2 Years Ago, Today

September 19, 2011 is the date that Mom and Dad moved in with us.  Two years ago, today, exactly.  I find myself reminiscing over all that has happened and wondering what is next.  And I have to admit that I'm tired, depressed and emotionally drained.  I wouldn't change these past two years and there has been so much good in the midst of the hard but I'm seriously considering how to change this situation for the better.  What does that mean?!  Do I look for a full or part-time job and hire someone to come in and take care of Dad?  Do I look for a facility that feels homey and I can encourage others to be a part of his emotional support?  Or do I do what I'm doing now - work very part-time and try to remove myself physically from Dad in order to have some space to breathe?  Or is there another solution?

I find that I've come to this juncture through a long slow road of slowly becoming nearly the only emotional support for Dad.  Sometimes he thinks I'm Mom but other times he's just as happy to have me sitting with him.  Or in the same room with him and he comes looking for me if I'm away too long.  On Monday, Hallack said he just stared at me when he wasn't sleeping and that wasn't something I was aware of.  Now that I am, I find it suffocating.  As I withdraw from him, he responds in a few different ways:  sometimes he's over-complimentary, or grumpy, or very withdrawn and depressed.  I've brought in some other caregivers, and like Mom, he's not thrilled with them.  He's all too content to find his meaning for existence in me. 

I'm wondering if I pulled the plug on the senior center too soon.  He was going two days a week and that was great.  They came and got him at 9 and returned him at 4 so I had time to run errands, get my haircut (or some other form of self care) and still have time at home.  Several weeks ago, the senior center called to say that he had declined so much that it would be better to go to one day a week.  He was spending most of the day sleeping and they thought two days was too much.  I cut it down to one but even that seemed to be wearing him out and he began complaining about the food, the "old people" and how tired he was.  Last week was his last Tuesday and this week I find myself suffocating - that didn't take long!

Thankfully, Hallack and I have plans to get away for two days and one night to celebrate our anniversary.  Will has agreed to come and stay with him and that feels like a big relief.  I know it is time to re-evaluate our situation but I don't feel that I have the emotional energy to do so.  A couple days away should help with that.

I know I'm not responsible for his happiness but it's amazing how easily I feel pulled into that lie.  I'm wondering if this might not be the last final stretching/growing lesson from having the folks here.  How not to define my life in terms of other people's wants.  I've come a long way in this area but this feels like a big hurdle.  How I love to be the hero and how that fractures my sense of self when I try to fix things for everyone else!  I spent a lot of years watching Mom doing all she could to make Dad happy and I fear I've taken that on as my identity at some very deep level.  So here at this point I'm asking God...."what is it that You want for me?"  "How do I sink deep into Your love and find the hope You have for me?"  "What is the gift that You have for me in this moment / season of life?"  I don't want to run from anything nor do I want to stubbornly cling to old habits/patterns because to let them go feels too scary.  Fear and faith, no it's more like fear or faith.  I choose faith.  God help me choose faith!

Approaching Death Again

It has been so long since I've written - nearly 4 months!  I was working in the garden this afternoon and felt an overwhelming need to process the latest experience.  This time it is my mother-in-law, Gisela, who is passing from this life to the next.  Hallack's mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2007 but she probably had it for several years before that.  She has been living at home with Hal who had lots of support from Heidi and Hailey Thomassen.  And now she's dying but it's the most delightful process.  She is not in pain, just letting go, but with so much joy!  Although she still can't get her words out clearly, she laughs freely and frequently.  She did manage to clearly say "this is so exciting!" and that's exactly how I want to feel when I go.  I've had the opportunity to sit with her and tell her how much she means to me.  I sat on her bed and reminisced the many wonderful times we've had:  from the first time I had dinner with the Greiders and she told me I couldn't be a good German girl if I didn't eat bread (no problem there!) to the trips to the Canadian San Juans on their boat.  She made me feel welcome and loved from the beginning.  I told her that Heidi and Hallack both have the best sense of humor and I credited her for that.  We laughed together and we all see more of the old Gisela than we've seen in a long time.  It hardly seems real that she's now leaving us and I'm sure that we'll have plenty of sadness when she's gone.  For now, I'm so grateful for this final gift of dying like she lived - full of joy and giving to others.     

Seeing Dad Decline

It's been a rough couple of weeks in transition.  Dad and I are trying to make the best of every day but some days we just stumble through.  Earlier this week, I asked him if he wanted to go shopping with me and he said "yes, I haven't bought Ruth a Christmas gift yet."  I didn't say anything but was praying grace for him while aching inside.  He thought for a while and then said, "but Ruth is dead."  The dementia that is setting in is both a blessing and painful.  He is not nearly as grief-stricken as he would've been a year ago but he has to keep remembering that she's gone.  He just seems lost without Mom to anchor him.

I'm feeling sad, numb, overwhelmed and, at times, perfectly at peace.  Dad is also cycling through many emotions and I'm trying to balance giving him space to grieve with activity.  I know he needs both so I just try to give him options.  Thursday was a very difficult day because we went to pick up Mom's ashes.  He said he wants to keep them here because it's all he has left of her.  I had picked out a nice urn and as we unpacked it from the box we were both struck with the finality of the label which reads "the cremated remains of Ruth Marie Stoll."  He fell apart and cried himself to sleep.  I sat with him, praying, reading Psalms, listening to music and rubbing his back before he told me to "go join the other mourners."  I have noticed that time has lost relevance to him and sometimes he thinks Mom just "died yesterday."  I heard him cry out to God in the middle of the night and I went to check on him.  He seemed to be sleeping but I couldn't get back to sleep for a couple of hours.  I try to use those awake times to pray.  We are in God's care - I know it deeply and prayer helps me stay in a place of trust.  I continue to ask for prayer as I know that is what is holding us up.  Blessing on you as you hold loved ones close this Christmas.  In the Name of the One who left the peace of Heaven to bring us peace!

Missing Mom and Feeling Sad

Now that life has settled down, Dad and I are missing Mom.  I just said goodnight to him and we talked about how we miss her.  He keeps waking up at night and feeling for her.  I keep thinking of all the good and hard times from this past year and now I just feel sad.  Little things like taking the "check for kleenex" note off the washer, or realizing how much more room there is in the garbage (without all her depends)or filling Dad's pill container and seeing Mom's empty ones or visiting the doctor's office with Dad and letting him off at the front door alone...all these things make me ache.  At first the relief of not having all the care made me think I wouldn't grieve.  And then I thought that I'd only grieve the Mom I used to know.  Now I'm just sad about it all.  I miss her funny comments and I even miss her grumpiness.  I just miss her and I hurt for how much Dad misses her.  I don't wish she was back because I know she's whole, complete, fulfilled.  I just miss her.

It probably doesn't help that I've been reading through my blogs of the past year.  What a year it has been and how grateful I am that I didn't know 12/2/12 was her date with destiny.  I went to a "longest night" worship service and spent some time writing her a note.  I wept as I wrote how I wished I could've been totally patient with her.  You'd think that I wouldn't have any regrets since I took her in my home and cared for her so personally but I guess there's always room for improvement.  I know that this time with her was her final gift to me.  I learned so much and I did grow in many ways.  I also got to say goodbye to her in degrees.  Katherine (my caregiver counselor) says that it's like a long journey holding hands and you slowly let go.  As she fades away, I'm trying to love Dad in a way that honors her and respects him. 

So I'm thinking more about how important it is for us to look death straight in the face and live fully each day.  I'm watching Dad decline and know that I have another death to walk toward - besides my own!  He is failing mentally as well as physically and spent most of Tuesday thinking I was Mom.  We're trying to figure out how to make the most of each day.  Today we volunteered at the high school - helping hand out the fundraiser cookie dough.  I know he feels lost and so do I.  I am confident that God is in this and will give us the grace we need each day.  I read a quote today that speaks to our need to face death and I'll finish with it:
For any culture which is primarily concerned with meaning, the study of death - the only certainty that life holds for us - must be central, for an understanding of death is the key to liberation in life.

Stanislav Grof

Thinking of Africa - A Memorial to Honor Mom

Four years ago, I had just returned from Africa right before my 50th birthday.  I asked friends and family to help the desperately poor people that I had just left and from that was born a fund to give a boost to impoverished women in Burundi.  25 women were helped to start new businesses with that money and I also learned how difficult it is to oversee any project from so far away.  The past four years I've been learning how to "help without hurting" and doing my best to understand micro-finance (and which organizations do it well.)

During that trip I also had the delight of getting to know Steven and his wife, Providence, who care for a group of widows and a community of orphans in Rwanda.  (See earlier posts for more information.)  When I returned to Rwanda in 2010, we spent a good deal of time finding out about Steven's work and the best way to help them.  From that fact finding mission was born the non-profit, African Road.  This organization has worked with Rotary in Rwanda and in the USA to buy a piece of property, dig a well and build a community center.  It is not an understatement to say that life for Steven and all he cares for has changed dramatically.  The next step for this amazing organization is to build a house on the property for Steven, Providence and all the youngest orphans they care for.  From now until the end of the year, any money donated from new donors will be matched 2 to 1 with the goal of raising 30,000.00.  To date they've raised 14,000 and I thought it would be a fitting memorial for Mom to let people know about African Road (www.africanroad.org).  Thank you to those of you who've already donated and I encourage others to check out this opportunity as well.  A home for little ones - so very appropriate as a way to remember a woman who loved the little children. 

Memorial

Friday was Mom's memorial and the day was just as I hoped it would be.  There are so many people to thank that I think I'll be busy for at least a week writing thank you's.  Many, many friends stepped up and brought food - both for the reception and for the house afterwards.  Gail was amazing in all that she did and the pictures were her hard work and love on display.  My friend, Kris, took over managing the food at the reception and even made many of the sandwiches as her tribute to my Mom - what a lovely tribute.  John O'Neal had a wonderful message at the service and the Nauss family shared a beautiful rendition of "Children of the Heavenly Father."  The people who spoke shared tender, funny and moving memories and it made me realize (again) how much I've missed that Mom.  I think one of things I'll remember most is Will's loving video presentation of his Grandma.  He spent all day Thursday putting it together and it is one of the best that I've ever seen.  The flowers were stunning (Gail's company sent 4! beautiful bouquets) and all the pink/purple flowers reflected her favorite colors back to us.  Dad looked handsome in the new suit that Mark purchased for him and he seemed a bit bewildered.  I was glad that Adrienne came to help get him ready and stayed by his side the whole time.  He took strength from her presence and held up pretty well during the service.

Afterwards, the family came back to our house and we spent the evening enjoying each other's company.  About 35 of us!  Dad was pretty exhausted and first took a nap and later still wanted to retire early.  We took turns, going in to say "good night."  All in all it was a satisfying day and one that fully embraced the good memories of Mom.
 

She's Gone

I was going to wait to write this but I'm already a bit fuzzy on the timeline so wanted to capture as much of the bitter-sweetness of this time as I can.  Mom quit breathing about 3am Sunday morning.  I say about because Gail and I had both drifted off to sleep so we're not exactly sure of the time.  We had been taking turns sitting beside her, listening to her rattling breaths but assured by her calm facial expression that she was not in pain. We woke up at 3:30, realized that we'd missed her passing and at first I was upset but then I realized that she had picked the timing that was just right. She spared us those last lingering breaths that seem to stretch out interminably.  Just like Mom to leave us sleeping peacefully.

The whole timing of her death has had grace all over it.  I wasn't sure, when I asked Gail to come, if we really were close but it turned out it was "just in the nick of time."  Gail got here on Thursday (Mark brought her from the airport) and the hospital bed arrived just a couple hours later.  We had some EMT's move her because she was in pain and afterward began a regimen of morphine.  She was no longer able to speak and yet we could usually figure out if she needed water, was too hot or cold and if she needed more morphine.  On Friday she had a nice visit from dear friends (Floyd and Doris) and their pastor came up from Des Moines (during rush hour!) to bring them communion and prayer.  Mom seemed to be aware and appreciative.  Will and Corinna joined us in the evening and witnessed the communion and prayer- praying with us. We later spent the evening gathered around her bed, visiting and enjoying each other's company.  On Saturday morning, Mom's cousin, Susan came to visit and with Dad by her side, holding her hand, we passed the time reminiscing.  Later that day my sister-in-law and brother-in-law came to visit and they too had a chance to tell her goodbye and share good memories.  She was so much more alert on Saturday and stayed awake the whole day - that was a big change from her usual pattern.  Saturday night we had a birthday party planned for Ben who turned 15 on Monday.  I called all the parents to let them know that Mom was failing and while I didn't think she would pass during the party, I couldn't be sure.  The party was in a different part of the house so the ruckus could barely be heard in the living room.  The party ended at nine and Dad headed off to bed about the same time (but not before he did his darnedest to convince us that she wanted to come back to bed with him.)  A short time later, Mom's breathing changed and we could tell that her time was getting short.  We kept her comfortable and took turns sitting next to her, holding her hand and telling her we loved her.  Until we could no longer keep our eyes open.  And that's when she left us.  Sleeping peacefully.  I imagine that she lingered over each of us, maybe even kissed us gently as she had undoubtedly done countless times when we were growing up.  Our loving Mom, whole again.  From our side she went to John where he awoke and knew she had passed on.  He felt very comforted, told her goodbye and then fell into a deep sleep.  That's how we know she died shortly after 3.  John was the first to know.

While I'm sad, I'm finding it hard to wish that she was still here.   I'm so convinced that she's now in complete joy and reunited with so many loved ones.  It was the most difficult to go wake Dad up and tell him she was gone.  We called Adie and waited until she came down so that all three of us could comfort him.  His grief has been piercing and sporadic and I don't know how he's coping.  We have surrounded him with love - especially the first night when we gathered around his bed and prayed for him. So I do know how he's coping.  He has the prayer support of many people and the love of the Father who knows (more than any of us) the depth of this pain.  Thank you for your love and prayers and I ask that you continue as the weeks unfold.  With the deepest sense of gratitude, Heidi