2 Years Ago, Today

September 19, 2011 is the date that Mom and Dad moved in with us.  Two years ago, today, exactly.  I find myself reminiscing over all that has happened and wondering what is next.  And I have to admit that I'm tired, depressed and emotionally drained.  I wouldn't change these past two years and there has been so much good in the midst of the hard but I'm seriously considering how to change this situation for the better.  What does that mean?!  Do I look for a full or part-time job and hire someone to come in and take care of Dad?  Do I look for a facility that feels homey and I can encourage others to be a part of his emotional support?  Or do I do what I'm doing now - work very part-time and try to remove myself physically from Dad in order to have some space to breathe?  Or is there another solution?

I find that I've come to this juncture through a long slow road of slowly becoming nearly the only emotional support for Dad.  Sometimes he thinks I'm Mom but other times he's just as happy to have me sitting with him.  Or in the same room with him and he comes looking for me if I'm away too long.  On Monday, Hallack said he just stared at me when he wasn't sleeping and that wasn't something I was aware of.  Now that I am, I find it suffocating.  As I withdraw from him, he responds in a few different ways:  sometimes he's over-complimentary, or grumpy, or very withdrawn and depressed.  I've brought in some other caregivers, and like Mom, he's not thrilled with them.  He's all too content to find his meaning for existence in me. 

I'm wondering if I pulled the plug on the senior center too soon.  He was going two days a week and that was great.  They came and got him at 9 and returned him at 4 so I had time to run errands, get my haircut (or some other form of self care) and still have time at home.  Several weeks ago, the senior center called to say that he had declined so much that it would be better to go to one day a week.  He was spending most of the day sleeping and they thought two days was too much.  I cut it down to one but even that seemed to be wearing him out and he began complaining about the food, the "old people" and how tired he was.  Last week was his last Tuesday and this week I find myself suffocating - that didn't take long!

Thankfully, Hallack and I have plans to get away for two days and one night to celebrate our anniversary.  Will has agreed to come and stay with him and that feels like a big relief.  I know it is time to re-evaluate our situation but I don't feel that I have the emotional energy to do so.  A couple days away should help with that.

I know I'm not responsible for his happiness but it's amazing how easily I feel pulled into that lie.  I'm wondering if this might not be the last final stretching/growing lesson from having the folks here.  How not to define my life in terms of other people's wants.  I've come a long way in this area but this feels like a big hurdle.  How I love to be the hero and how that fractures my sense of self when I try to fix things for everyone else!  I spent a lot of years watching Mom doing all she could to make Dad happy and I fear I've taken that on as my identity at some very deep level.  So here at this point I'm asking God...."what is it that You want for me?"  "How do I sink deep into Your love and find the hope You have for me?"  "What is the gift that You have for me in this moment / season of life?"  I don't want to run from anything nor do I want to stubbornly cling to old habits/patterns because to let them go feels too scary.  Fear and faith, no it's more like fear or faith.  I choose faith.  God help me choose faith!

Approaching Death Again

It has been so long since I've written - nearly 4 months!  I was working in the garden this afternoon and felt an overwhelming need to process the latest experience.  This time it is my mother-in-law, Gisela, who is passing from this life to the next.  Hallack's mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2007 but she probably had it for several years before that.  She has been living at home with Hal who had lots of support from Heidi and Hailey Thomassen.  And now she's dying but it's the most delightful process.  She is not in pain, just letting go, but with so much joy!  Although she still can't get her words out clearly, she laughs freely and frequently.  She did manage to clearly say "this is so exciting!" and that's exactly how I want to feel when I go.  I've had the opportunity to sit with her and tell her how much she means to me.  I sat on her bed and reminisced the many wonderful times we've had:  from the first time I had dinner with the Greiders and she told me I couldn't be a good German girl if I didn't eat bread (no problem there!) to the trips to the Canadian San Juans on their boat.  She made me feel welcome and loved from the beginning.  I told her that Heidi and Hallack both have the best sense of humor and I credited her for that.  We laughed together and we all see more of the old Gisela than we've seen in a long time.  It hardly seems real that she's now leaving us and I'm sure that we'll have plenty of sadness when she's gone.  For now, I'm so grateful for this final gift of dying like she lived - full of joy and giving to others.     

Seeing Dad Decline

It's been a rough couple of weeks in transition.  Dad and I are trying to make the best of every day but some days we just stumble through.  Earlier this week, I asked him if he wanted to go shopping with me and he said "yes, I haven't bought Ruth a Christmas gift yet."  I didn't say anything but was praying grace for him while aching inside.  He thought for a while and then said, "but Ruth is dead."  The dementia that is setting in is both a blessing and painful.  He is not nearly as grief-stricken as he would've been a year ago but he has to keep remembering that she's gone.  He just seems lost without Mom to anchor him.

I'm feeling sad, numb, overwhelmed and, at times, perfectly at peace.  Dad is also cycling through many emotions and I'm trying to balance giving him space to grieve with activity.  I know he needs both so I just try to give him options.  Thursday was a very difficult day because we went to pick up Mom's ashes.  He said he wants to keep them here because it's all he has left of her.  I had picked out a nice urn and as we unpacked it from the box we were both struck with the finality of the label which reads "the cremated remains of Ruth Marie Stoll."  He fell apart and cried himself to sleep.  I sat with him, praying, reading Psalms, listening to music and rubbing his back before he told me to "go join the other mourners."  I have noticed that time has lost relevance to him and sometimes he thinks Mom just "died yesterday."  I heard him cry out to God in the middle of the night and I went to check on him.  He seemed to be sleeping but I couldn't get back to sleep for a couple of hours.  I try to use those awake times to pray.  We are in God's care - I know it deeply and prayer helps me stay in a place of trust.  I continue to ask for prayer as I know that is what is holding us up.  Blessing on you as you hold loved ones close this Christmas.  In the Name of the One who left the peace of Heaven to bring us peace!

Missing Mom and Feeling Sad

Now that life has settled down, Dad and I are missing Mom.  I just said goodnight to him and we talked about how we miss her.  He keeps waking up at night and feeling for her.  I keep thinking of all the good and hard times from this past year and now I just feel sad.  Little things like taking the "check for kleenex" note off the washer, or realizing how much more room there is in the garbage (without all her depends)or filling Dad's pill container and seeing Mom's empty ones or visiting the doctor's office with Dad and letting him off at the front door alone...all these things make me ache.  At first the relief of not having all the care made me think I wouldn't grieve.  And then I thought that I'd only grieve the Mom I used to know.  Now I'm just sad about it all.  I miss her funny comments and I even miss her grumpiness.  I just miss her and I hurt for how much Dad misses her.  I don't wish she was back because I know she's whole, complete, fulfilled.  I just miss her.

It probably doesn't help that I've been reading through my blogs of the past year.  What a year it has been and how grateful I am that I didn't know 12/2/12 was her date with destiny.  I went to a "longest night" worship service and spent some time writing her a note.  I wept as I wrote how I wished I could've been totally patient with her.  You'd think that I wouldn't have any regrets since I took her in my home and cared for her so personally but I guess there's always room for improvement.  I know that this time with her was her final gift to me.  I learned so much and I did grow in many ways.  I also got to say goodbye to her in degrees.  Katherine (my caregiver counselor) says that it's like a long journey holding hands and you slowly let go.  As she fades away, I'm trying to love Dad in a way that honors her and respects him. 

So I'm thinking more about how important it is for us to look death straight in the face and live fully each day.  I'm watching Dad decline and know that I have another death to walk toward - besides my own!  He is failing mentally as well as physically and spent most of Tuesday thinking I was Mom.  We're trying to figure out how to make the most of each day.  Today we volunteered at the high school - helping hand out the fundraiser cookie dough.  I know he feels lost and so do I.  I am confident that God is in this and will give us the grace we need each day.  I read a quote today that speaks to our need to face death and I'll finish with it:
For any culture which is primarily concerned with meaning, the study of death - the only certainty that life holds for us - must be central, for an understanding of death is the key to liberation in life.

Stanislav Grof

Thinking of Africa - A Memorial to Honor Mom

Four years ago, I had just returned from Africa right before my 50th birthday.  I asked friends and family to help the desperately poor people that I had just left and from that was born a fund to give a boost to impoverished women in Burundi.  25 women were helped to start new businesses with that money and I also learned how difficult it is to oversee any project from so far away.  The past four years I've been learning how to "help without hurting" and doing my best to understand micro-finance (and which organizations do it well.)

During that trip I also had the delight of getting to know Steven and his wife, Providence, who care for a group of widows and a community of orphans in Rwanda.  (See earlier posts for more information.)  When I returned to Rwanda in 2010, we spent a good deal of time finding out about Steven's work and the best way to help them.  From that fact finding mission was born the non-profit, African Road.  This organization has worked with Rotary in Rwanda and in the USA to buy a piece of property, dig a well and build a community center.  It is not an understatement to say that life for Steven and all he cares for has changed dramatically.  The next step for this amazing organization is to build a house on the property for Steven, Providence and all the youngest orphans they care for.  From now until the end of the year, any money donated from new donors will be matched 2 to 1 with the goal of raising 30,000.00.  To date they've raised 14,000 and I thought it would be a fitting memorial for Mom to let people know about African Road (www.africanroad.org).  Thank you to those of you who've already donated and I encourage others to check out this opportunity as well.  A home for little ones - so very appropriate as a way to remember a woman who loved the little children. 

Memorial

Friday was Mom's memorial and the day was just as I hoped it would be.  There are so many people to thank that I think I'll be busy for at least a week writing thank you's.  Many, many friends stepped up and brought food - both for the reception and for the house afterwards.  Gail was amazing in all that she did and the pictures were her hard work and love on display.  My friend, Kris, took over managing the food at the reception and even made many of the sandwiches as her tribute to my Mom - what a lovely tribute.  John O'Neal had a wonderful message at the service and the Nauss family shared a beautiful rendition of "Children of the Heavenly Father."  The people who spoke shared tender, funny and moving memories and it made me realize (again) how much I've missed that Mom.  I think one of things I'll remember most is Will's loving video presentation of his Grandma.  He spent all day Thursday putting it together and it is one of the best that I've ever seen.  The flowers were stunning (Gail's company sent 4! beautiful bouquets) and all the pink/purple flowers reflected her favorite colors back to us.  Dad looked handsome in the new suit that Mark purchased for him and he seemed a bit bewildered.  I was glad that Adrienne came to help get him ready and stayed by his side the whole time.  He took strength from her presence and held up pretty well during the service.

Afterwards, the family came back to our house and we spent the evening enjoying each other's company.  About 35 of us!  Dad was pretty exhausted and first took a nap and later still wanted to retire early.  We took turns, going in to say "good night."  All in all it was a satisfying day and one that fully embraced the good memories of Mom.
 

She's Gone

I was going to wait to write this but I'm already a bit fuzzy on the timeline so wanted to capture as much of the bitter-sweetness of this time as I can.  Mom quit breathing about 3am Sunday morning.  I say about because Gail and I had both drifted off to sleep so we're not exactly sure of the time.  We had been taking turns sitting beside her, listening to her rattling breaths but assured by her calm facial expression that she was not in pain. We woke up at 3:30, realized that we'd missed her passing and at first I was upset but then I realized that she had picked the timing that was just right. She spared us those last lingering breaths that seem to stretch out interminably.  Just like Mom to leave us sleeping peacefully.

The whole timing of her death has had grace all over it.  I wasn't sure, when I asked Gail to come, if we really were close but it turned out it was "just in the nick of time."  Gail got here on Thursday (Mark brought her from the airport) and the hospital bed arrived just a couple hours later.  We had some EMT's move her because she was in pain and afterward began a regimen of morphine.  She was no longer able to speak and yet we could usually figure out if she needed water, was too hot or cold and if she needed more morphine.  On Friday she had a nice visit from dear friends (Floyd and Doris) and their pastor came up from Des Moines (during rush hour!) to bring them communion and prayer.  Mom seemed to be aware and appreciative.  Will and Corinna joined us in the evening and witnessed the communion and prayer- praying with us. We later spent the evening gathered around her bed, visiting and enjoying each other's company.  On Saturday morning, Mom's cousin, Susan came to visit and with Dad by her side, holding her hand, we passed the time reminiscing.  Later that day my sister-in-law and brother-in-law came to visit and they too had a chance to tell her goodbye and share good memories.  She was so much more alert on Saturday and stayed awake the whole day - that was a big change from her usual pattern.  Saturday night we had a birthday party planned for Ben who turned 15 on Monday.  I called all the parents to let them know that Mom was failing and while I didn't think she would pass during the party, I couldn't be sure.  The party was in a different part of the house so the ruckus could barely be heard in the living room.  The party ended at nine and Dad headed off to bed about the same time (but not before he did his darnedest to convince us that she wanted to come back to bed with him.)  A short time later, Mom's breathing changed and we could tell that her time was getting short.  We kept her comfortable and took turns sitting next to her, holding her hand and telling her we loved her.  Until we could no longer keep our eyes open.  And that's when she left us.  Sleeping peacefully.  I imagine that she lingered over each of us, maybe even kissed us gently as she had undoubtedly done countless times when we were growing up.  Our loving Mom, whole again.  From our side she went to John where he awoke and knew she had passed on.  He felt very comforted, told her goodbye and then fell into a deep sleep.  That's how we know she died shortly after 3.  John was the first to know.

While I'm sad, I'm finding it hard to wish that she was still here.   I'm so convinced that she's now in complete joy and reunited with so many loved ones.  It was the most difficult to go wake Dad up and tell him she was gone.  We called Adie and waited until she came down so that all three of us could comfort him.  His grief has been piercing and sporadic and I don't know how he's coping.  We have surrounded him with love - especially the first night when we gathered around his bed and prayed for him. So I do know how he's coping.  He has the prayer support of many people and the love of the Father who knows (more than any of us) the depth of this pain.  Thank you for your love and prayers and I ask that you continue as the weeks unfold.  With the deepest sense of gratitude, Heidi

On Being Weary

My sister Gail is coming to be with me for this final leg of the journey and today I know how timely her presence will be.  She wants to be with me as we say goodbye to Mom and I've struggled to say when that should be.  I mean, how can I predict?  I can't, but on Saturday morning (while praying about what to tell her) I had a strong sense from God that the time was right.  I actually got the image of Aaron holding up the arms of Moses and so I asked her to come.  She's coming on Thursday.

Today reaffirmed that decision due to the exhaustion I feel.  After the big holiday week with doctor's appointments for both girls, family visitors and the usual holiday traditions, I thought I'd be wiped out on Monday but it was actually a pretty productive day.  Ben got his braces off, I got more Christmas boxes unpacked and both the hospice aid and nurse came to visit.  Mom got a nice bath, and I talked over her care with the nurse.  I also cooked another turkey since we gobbled up all of the Thanksgiving one (pun intended). 

Today was a different story.  Mom was very agitated and I had a hard time getting her calmed down.  The usual pills were not working and I'm really having a hard time understanding her.  She tries to talk but it either doesn't make sense or is too quiet for me to catch.  She no longer wants her depends on and that can be a sign of coming to the end.  I'm also having a hard time getting her to take her pills and I'm having to weigh the costs of not giving her the ones we've limited her to.  Water is also a challenge as she so easily chokes and the mouth sponges don't seem to satisfy her.  All the more reason that I'm glad we've ordered her a hospital bed.  That is scheduled to be delivered on Friday but I might ask them to bring it earlier.  I talked with her about dying and was trying to encourage her with what is ahead.  That only made her cry and she didn't stop until Dad came in and started begging her to stay.  I think that's what she wants from me - to tell her that I don't want her to go.  I can't, in good conscience, say that.  I want her to leave this suffering and be whole again.  I'm worn out from trying to keep her comfortable and having her moan when I change her and change her bedding.  It has been a long gradual decline and I've been saying goodbye to the Mom I knew for so many months.  I will grieve when she goes but I'll also be glad for her and relieved.  This evening it hit me like a ton of bricks, that this very situation would have been the kind of thing I'd have called her to talk over and get advice on.  I'd have shared, honestly, about how hard this is and how I really want to do the right thing.  And she'd know just what to say.  Well that Mom has been gone for over two years and yet I've not been able to grieve her because she's still here - in body and in snippets of her personality (just not the ones I've admired) but rather the fearful and anxious parts.  She's still dear and sweet and we've had wonderful moments of tenderness but she's often demanding and self-centered (a common characteristic of the terminally ill.)  So I see that I'm tired from the journey thus far and am grateful for the providential gift of my sweet, smart and very capable sister.  Just in the nick of time.

Thankful

The day after Thanksgiving and although I'm very weary there is so much to be thankful for.  We had a full house with John, Alex, Jacob and Markus as well as Will, Corinna, Sam, Nick, Adriana and Joe.  A second generation extravaganza and with all the activity, Mom decided she wanted to get up!  Corinna and Alex got her into the wheelchair and she even fed herself (with a little help from me and Will.)  When she was ready to go to bed, Will was my excellent assistant and was invaluable as she started shaking and collapsed.  It clearly had been a great night but also pushed the limits.  She's been sleeping much of today.

The day before Thanksgiving while I was walking in the woods with the dogs, Josh Groban's song came on my ipod.  The music and the words filled my soul with hope and so I wanted to share the lyrics.  There is so much to be thankful for - Happy Thanksgiving!

Somedays we forget
To look around us
Somedays we can't see
The joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give.

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Look beyond ourselves
There's so much sorrow
It's way too late to say
I'll cry tomorrow
Each of us must find our truth
It's so long overdue

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And every day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Even with our differences
There is a place we're all connected
Each of us can find each other's light

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more

There's so much to be thankful for

This Place of Waiting

One of my favorite Dr. Seuss book's is called "Oh the Places You'll Go."  And right now I'm in what he would call, "the waiting place."  I have to disagree with Theo Geisel in one thing - that the waiting place is not "useless" as he said but rather rich and full of opportunities for growth.  Like a seed in the ground that is surrounded by dirt and fertilizer and dark.  I know that I'm a product of my culture and just want to move on from this place.  I think that I can and should always be able to make things happen and I'm uncomfortable finding out that I really cannot.  And that is a gift all in and of itself.

Thankfully I've been in waiting places before and God has used the time to heal and speak to me.  He reminds me that this place is pregnant with possibilities if I'll only quit struggling with my insecurities and imperfections.  If I'll take the time to really listen and observe and surrender to His grace and quit trying to earn His approval.  If I'll take each moment as a gift and not try to control it.  I'll admit that this is not my first inclination but oh so healing when I do.

Mom, Dad and I are in this waiting place together (along with the rest of the family but we are especially impacted by it.)  I don't want to rush this but I do find it uncomfortable.  I sometimes think I just want to know how long this will go on and then I realize what a gift it is not to know.  It forces me to live in the present and not focus on a specific moment in time marching upon us.  It makes each moment a gift, for it is the only one we have.

Mom has been eating a bit more and seems to really enjoy it so this could go on for quite awhile.  Visitors have been good for her and she's more responsive than she was a week ago.  I have to keep discovering that this journey has many twists and turns and is not predictable.  Mom has many hours of peace and relaxation punctuated by times of extreme agitation and fear.  I never know when they'll happen but often it's at night.  I'm so grateful for lorazepam - the drug that hospice has given me to calm her.  Lately it's been a bit harder to calm her enough to let the pill dissolve under her tongue but a calm voice and prayer spoken aloud helps all of us.  Dad tends to look on with bewilderment and I'm so impressed with his ability to stay present with her when she is out of her mind.  Together we try to surround her with love.  This is taking a toll on him but it's where he wants to be.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and more family will be here to celebrate and spend time with her.  She seems to be looking forward to it as long as I remind her that she doesn't have to do anything - just let us know what she does or doesn't want.  She perks up so much for visitors - I'm grateful for that. I continue to be grateful for the prayer and support that is holding us up.  And I'm letting go in this place of waiting.  Trust, wait and let go.  Wait, let go and trust.  Let go, trust and wait.  It's all grace.

The Final Stage

How quickly things can change and oh, what a week it has been.  Mom turned 87 last Tuesday - election night and I had a few family members over.  Mark, Adie, Will and Corinna and with all the emotions about the election and all the commotion, Mom just checked out and refused to join everyone at the dinner table.  Will and I fed her in her chair on the other side of the house and she pretty much withdrew into herself.  The next day she was up for just a little while and only in her wheelchair.  She has not been out of bed since.  Each time that we've tried she begins shaking uncontrollably and needs to lie back down.  So we've entered into the final stage.

Even saying that I find myself slipping back into denial.  Even though she's not had much more than a few mouthfuls of food for the past week and she's losing weight rapidly - I find myself thinking that this will go on indefinitely.  And it may last for awhile but not indefinitely.  She sleeps almost all the time and is less and less responsive.  Dad and I are kind of at a loss at what to do.  He went to bed early last night so that he could snuggle up next to her and I encouraged it.  He either disappears into a book or sleep or withdraws into himself and I feel powerless to help him.  I'm trying to be comfortable with just being with him and not having to talk much but that is not my strength.  Words are my comfort zone, just as they always have been for Mom which is why her sudden lack of speech is so eery.  My comfort is in letting go and seeing that I really have no control over this.  I feel numb and pretty much paralyzed.  I'm so grateful that my caregiver counselor was scheduled to meet with me yesterday and she was so helpful.  She encouraged me to get out of my head and to be in touch with my body.  I tend to live in my head so this was a good reminder...not that I've done much about it just yet.

So now it is time to let the rest of those who love Mom know that she's in her final stage.  I asked her if there is anyone she wants to see and she said "no."  That is typical of the phase that she's in and so anyone who comes to say goodbye will not get much from her - she is processing her own death and is not so concerned about the rest of us.  This is how it should be.  I do ask for prayers for her to enter into her new life with peace, joy and a deep awareness of God's Presence and Love.  I ask that you remember Dad who will grieve her death with the deepest kind of pain.  I ask for prayers for wisdom and patience as we journey this last segment of her life together.  I am trying not to judge how I'm feeling or not feeling and my prayer this morning was to lay back in the current of God's love as we travel these uncharted waters.  Thanks be to God for His unending mercy and love.

This New Season of Cycles

Mom just opened her eyes while sitting in her reclimer with the sweetest smile on her face and said, "we're so glad you could stop in and see us.  I'm Ruth and this is Bob and who are you?"  That took me aback for a moment but I just told her I was Heidi and glad to see her.  She then drifted back off to sleep and then woke back up and said she needed to be leaving soon because she had to go grocery shopping.  Without constantly asking if she knows where she is or who she is (something I've been doing less of) I'm never quite sure what is going on with her.  However, I'll take the sweet Mom over the one who showed up yesterday.....

Daylight savings must of goofed them both up a bit because Mom woke up Dad at 3 in the morning and made him get her up.  At 4am, he came to our bedroom door, fully dressed and after having fixed himself a hamburger bun with butter on it.  I asked him why he'd done that and he said because he was up so it must be time to eat.  Yikes!  What if he'd tried to cook his eggs?!  Well, I finally got them to go back to bed (he'd helped her go to the bathroom and then get into her recliner) and I crashed on the couch near their room for a couple more hours.  I did hear her talking at him for quite awhile.  Dad got up around 7:30 and at that point Mom was an emotional wreck.  She was convinced that Dad hated her and couldn't wait to get away from her.  She was certain that he was leaving her and was almost unconsolable.  The angry/sad Mom.  When I told her she was loved and in a safe place, she got angry and said "I don't believe you!"  Thankfully, I've learned how to stay loving and peaceful when she's like this and often she needs a bit of food or to go back to bed with Dad lying beside her.  I also pray for her (both quietly and out loud) as she's emoting such strong feelings.  A hug and a kiss on her head also tend to take the venom out of her words and make her grateful once again.

The challenge is that she's cycling through her emotions, several times a day.  This is a symptom of Lewey body.  A grace in the midst of all of this is that she's sleeping more so the times I have to deal with her crazy cycles are not as prolonged.  I've been told to let her do what she wants and when she gets into bed with a big happy sigh of delight...well, how can I make her stay up?  (as long as they're not up in the middle of the night!)

Two hospice chaplains came to visit today and Mom drifted in and out of wakefulness.  Dad got to talk quite a bit and that was enlightening for me.  He's so quiet most of the time (while Mom talks almost all the time she's awake) that I don't often know what's going on in his head.  He repeated several stories right in a row.  When asked why he moved to Seattle, he pointed to me and said we came out to visit her.  Then he asked me, "were you married then?" So he must've had me confused with his sister, Gertie.  He also told Dennis (one of the chaplains) that the Thomas Kinkaid painting on the wall was Grandpa's church that Thomas had painted for him.  No wonder he's no longer combing his hair or shaving unless I remind him.  He's slowly losing out.

I'm actually doing pretty well for the time being.  I got to preach on October 28th and I'm helping with a parenting class on Friday nights.  I'm getting a massage once or twice a month and that's helped tremendously.  It gives me life to get out on a regular basis so Corinna has been an absolute gift from God.  I'm so thankful for her loving attention to her Grandparents.  I feel so blessed to be able to care for Mom and Dad with all the ups and downs.  I'm still completely convinced that this is God's call upon my life.  Life is always an adventure when you're "just doin what God wants!"

Stephanie's Visit

I finally called hospice and had a nurse come to evaluate our situation.  I knew that Mom isn't quite ready for it but I felt led to have someone come and give me advice.  Stephanie breezed in on Tuesday afternoon and was such a breath of life for me.  As we stood talking in the living room, Dad slept through her entrance (with the dogs barking) our talking and her introduction to Mom.  So when we went into the family room, her first concern was...Dad.  "What's his story?" is what she wanted to know.   As we talked and I filled her in, I told her that I think he is facing the reality of their situation and is choosing to let go of life rather than have to face the future without Mom.  She said that I was probably right and that Dad may very well go first.  Even though I've been watching him decline, this was a new thought for me.  Of course, neither of us knows for sure but it has helped prepare me for a possibly different scenario than the one I've been picturing.  After telling me repeatedly how great this living situation is for the folks - "as good as it gets"; she left me with the invitation to call her at any time.  What an amazing gift that time with her was and right when I needed it.  She affirmed my choices and instincts for Mom and Dad and left me with the assurance that all is well.

So I have a deeper sense of peace and trust that God will continue to provide what we need, just when we need it.  I can tell that I'm in a deeper place of acceptance for all of us.  Hard earned and so much easier to function in than when I was fighting reality.  As the folks get more childlike, I find myself functioning with them in many of the same ways that I did with our children.  For instance, when I brush Mom's teeth, I often say "big, wide open" which is exactly what I used to say when I brushed the kids' teeth!  I've now started to say to Mom, "do you know how much I love you?" and follow it up with "but who loves you more than even me?" To which she responds "God", just like the kids did.  I'm not quite there with Dad because he is still mentally much more alert but I won't be surprised when we get to this stage (and I'm thinking now that it may be sooner than later.)

I'm sure that I'll most likely have setbacks and days of denial but remembering how far I've come will help bring me back to acceptance (I trust.)  I'll finish by saying how grateful I am for the beautiful fall that we've had with day after day of sunshine.  I know the rain is coming but I will rejoice in the gift that each sunny day has been and will be.

 

Dad has a walker!

There is a new contraption in sitting in our living room - a beautiful blue walker.  Gail came for a visit last week and was able to convince Dad that a walker would really help him.  Then they picked out a really nice one with four wheels, brakes, basket and a seat.  He used it on his trip to the library this week and even made his arms tired (a good sign!)  I'm so grateful for Gail's ability to come in and make suggestions that help us all function better and then actually get it done.   I now find myself in the hilarious position of traffic controller since getting them in and out of the bathroom and bedroom takes a little maneuvering.

As grateful as I am that Dad has some relief for his left foot; I find myself struggling with the reality of how much he has failed this year.  This is where I run smack dab into my deepest desire to still play god.  As I see him mentally failing and bewildered over Mom's condition, I find myself wanting to fix things.  When I see them both sleeping more frequently and our house feels more like a nursing home, I have to ask myself, "what did you expect?"  Now with Dad succumbing to the need for a walker (one that he fought for so long), I cannot deny how much they are failing.  The evidence is parked right in front of me. 

I just started reading a new book from the library called "The Art of Dying and Living."  I can tell that it's going to be another timely read that will help me in this journey toward death (both my own and those of Mom and Dad).  I live with impending death (we all do but it has moved in with us in a more imminent manner) and yet I can still keep "death-denial" alive.  It is amazing to me how I can continue to expect Mom and Dad to get stronger and better.  Where does that come from?!  I have no doubt that this is changing me in powerful ways and I'm still very grateful for this opportunity.  I choose to embrace the quote from the first chapter of the book: "keep death and judgement always in your eye; none's fit to live but who is fit to die."  This is my challenge and one of the many gifts that have come with caring for Mom and Dad.

Conversation with Mom

I've been in to see Mom several times this morning...to give her pills, talk with her about getting up and each time she has sent me away. Nay, begged me to leave her and I have done so even though she is wet (and that is usually motivation for her to get up.) This last time she told me that she wants to get out of here. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Where do you want to go?
Mom: To my own house where I won't be bossed around every minute of every day.
Me: Are you ready to take care of yourself? Make your own meals?
Mom: Um hmmm
Me: What is it that you don't like about being here?
Mom: Well none of us are happy, doesn't that make you feel bad?
Me: I know it's hard for you to not be in control. Do you know that I love you?
Mom: Not really, it doesn't seem that way.
Me: Well I do love you and I hope you can trust that I'm taking care of you in the best way I know how. Do you know who you are?
Mom: I don't think so.
Me: Do you know who I am?
Mom: No.
Me: Well how about I come back in about 40 minutes and then we'll get you into something dry?
Mom: I suppose so.
Me: Are you warm enough?
Mom: Not really (at which point I covered her up and let her settle back into sleep.)

It always helps to remember that she's not really herself and doesn't really know where she is when she's angry and somewhat mean. How hard it must be for a woman who was always so in control of her life to be out of it! I go back and forth between wanting to let her have her way and then making decisions that I think are for her best. Should I just leave her in bed all day? Is that really what she wants? Do I quit getting her up to go to the bathroom and for meals and to go out for her doctor's appointments? Am I prolonging her life for selfish reasons? Really, I'd like some help with this! Perhaps it really is time for a hospice evaluation and for both Dad and me to let her go. I appreciate all prayers in regards to this. She really deserves to live out her last days in the ways that bring her the most peace. When I told the caregiver counselor that Mom said 'I only want to do what pleases me' she said to me "good for her!" I'm learning to look at it that way as well.

The Unbanked

Yesterday I heard a broadcast on NPR about the unbanked and read it again in the Seattle Times today.  In it the FDIC recommends to banks that "poorer Americans could be good customers, and their numbers are growing." 

This took me right back to a time nearly two years ago where I was walking in the woods and came across some papers.  I looked them over to see if they were important and was shocked at what I found.  First thing I noticed was a stack of expired lottery tickets and then a pawn ticket as well as a receipt from Aurora Loans.  What was so shocking was the terms of the loans.  Bear in mind that this is what is charged to people who have very limited income, no credit and dream that a lottery ticket will be their way out of poverty.

For the pawn shop (for which a set of golf clubs was left) the loan amounted to $60 with an upfront cost of $14.75.  That is a apr of 136.88% - not a mystery since it's listed right on the paperwork.  In order to retrieve the clubs, the owner would have to pay $77.50 in 30 days or $80.25 in 60.  If the clubs are not retrieved within 60 days they still have to pay the interest of $20.25 and lose the rights to reclaim the property.

As shocking as those terms are, they paled in comparison to Aurora Loans which financed $40 with a $19.75 finance charge (a %200.24 apr)!  This loan has been secured due to the "pledged goods" of a .22 rifle.  Since the maturity date is 90 days, if the loan is repaid within 30 days the finance charge drops to $15.25 but the kicker is that if it's not repaid within 90 days, the loan will need to be rewritten for another $19.75.  It doesn't take a financial wizard to figure out that a person desperate for money can get caught and drown in debt very quickly.

This underscored for me the importance of microfinance (which Muhammad Yunis first began with Grameen banks in India).  Microfinance has had success with the poorest of the poor around the world, some of whom pool together their resources and then make loans to each other.  It is very empowering for many reasons but one in part is the self respect that comes with handling moderate funds and paying them back with a reasonable interest rate.  I've wondered, in the past two years, whether or not this is something that communities of faith should be doing for one another.  When I was in Rwanda in 2010, I heard of a group of women who microfinanced themselves to a combined networth of $800,000.  Talk about being empowered!  Contrast that with overseas organizations that continually look to America to meet all their financial needs.  Contrast that also to the single mom trapped in the vicious cycle of poverty who's been told time and again that she'll never amount to anything.  I think the time is now for the people of God to come together and help people find their inherent giftedness by God.  We need to quit playing god to the people who come to us for help and lead them to the One who made them and sees them as the "unrepeatable miracles" that they are.  We need to ask them what their strengths are and what they think they need.  And this can only happen in the context of an equal relationship - one where both parties kneel before the gracious God who loves and has given each of us all that we have.  They need this and so do we.

Coming up on a year....

I'm asking for prayers since I'm facing the fall with a bit of depression. I
met with a caregiver counselor and she said that I probably need
anti-depressants. The way she described my situation - like a car that is
trying to run with a rundown battery made sense to me. I am low on serotonin
and it's hard to even get started to do the things that help give me joy. I made an appointment for both Dad and me to go see our doctor and get some medical help.

I've noticed a trend with me...when I'm feeling lonely or overwhelmed and sometimes in despair I often go to Facebook. First to see how the girls are doing but once there, I get hooked by the postings I see. And then I do a dangerous thing - I repost articles that lean toward the left. My thought is always that if I post a particularly compelling article that some of my really radical right leaning friends will rethink their positions and we can come more toward center. A wrong thought in this political climate. So then I go back to a place of faith and hope and trust. Will either political party determine the future of our country or is God really God? I shudder to think what our future will be like if greed and hatred really are the driving forces. Not convinced that a democrat agenda will be the answer but, for me, it really is the lesser of two evils. Finally I have to say that my trust does not rest in a political party or a country but in the God who created this amazing world we live in. A God who loves not only me (and those who look and think like me) but every single global citizen. I refuse to let any election, any crisis or my own personal situation drag me away from that Truth.

I had a good talk with Dad last night after a pretty rough evening with Mom. One where she was sobbing, confused and wanting to go home. It does no good to try and reason with her so I simply sat, held her hand and prayed for her. I ended up putting her to bed even though it was only 5pm because she simply was too distraught. Dad lay down with her for awhile and then got up to talk with me. He is sad and trying to face the reality of her situation - a very brave thing to do. We are going to see Mom's neurologist this week and perhaps Dad should sit in on that appointment just to get a better sense of what is happening with her.

Here are some of the latest developments with Mom:

-she's taken to avoiding the cracks in the floor unless I remind her that it will not "break her mother's back."

-she no longer seems to be able to tell whether or not she's really hungry and always says she is, even after finishing a substantial meal.

-she has begun calling me "mommy"

-I've had to increase her seroquel (anti psychotic medicine) to three times a day instead of two

-her words increasingly come out wrong although I can usually make sense of what she's saying (ie "I need to let the picks go to will" actually meant "pills go to work.")

-she's often agitated and either scared or angry - the movie "A Beautiful Mind" keeps surfacing in my thoughts even though I don't know if it actually fits. Perhaps I need to watch it.

So that's some of my ramblings for today. I'm starting to pray for God to take her home sooner rather than later for she seems so unhappy. I do believe that she will go in the "fullness of time," and my job is to care for myself, Dad and her as best I can each day. A lot more daunting of a task than this time a year ago but the same call nonetheless. Here's to a year almost come to a close - a year that I'm sure has impacted me in ways I can barely understand. And for that I am very, very grateful.

On Being Mom's Mom

It is my practice to start the day by checking in with Mom on where she is, who she is, who I am and I get a variety of responses.  Often she's in Wenatchee, once in a while Milwaukee or DeWitt and these days she's been saying "your house."  Which is right but then she has some wild ideas about who I am.  For awhile I was Alex or Hallack (interesting how she can come up with our spouses' names but not ours), but once I was Kira(with a long i) and Aga (which she spelled out for me -
A-G-A).  When I ask her what our relationship is, she usually knows that I'm her daughter but the day I was Kira, I was her professor (which I thought was flattering and told her so.)  She laughed at that. 

The one that she's said to me twice now is "you're my mom."  The first time she said it, I thought for a moment and then answered, "yes, yes I am."  And I think I embraced it completely for the first time.  Our roles have completely reversed and she is no longer my cheerleader, mentor, advice giver and biggest fan but rather my very dependent responsibility.  The mom I used to call when my life was crashing down around me now needs me to walk her through an incredibly scary time in her life.  Life is so unfamiliar and not much makes sense to her anymore.  The first time she called me Mom, I asked her how old she was and she said 20, another time she said 13 or 14.  My sister Gail says that maybe she is regressing and will be an infant soon.  I don't know, it could be (although this morning she said 1300!)  In the book, "Final Gifts", the authors (who are hospice nurses) say that a person who is failing is much more aware of where they're at and if we listen they will tell us.  I'm listening and am confident that however long this lasts, that God gives me grace to love and grow in the midst of  it all.

Dad has been failing as well - and I ask myself, "what do you expect from a man who is 93?"  It's still hard to see him sleeping more and more and struggling to walk.  He really should have a walker but he refuses.  Now when we go anywhere, he needs my arm to lean on and yesterday, when we went to the library, he used the scooter they provide.  I offer it to him each time we go but that was the first time he took me up on it.  I'm happy to say that he negotiated the aisles of books pretty well.  I didn't think about that until he got on it and started to head for the racks.  The humorous part was that he can't hear over the sound of the motor very well and I found myself trying to whisper loudly.  Have you ever tried to do that? 

It's hard for me not to take responsibility for his failing because I struggle to meet his needs and Mom's at the same time.  He really should get out more but she resists.  He's also showing signs of dementia - forgetting to brush his hair, putting shirts on backwards, forgetting where his hearing aids are (even when they're in his pocket) etc.  Last week I took him to a friend's neighborhood pool and he flashed the pool while showing me he didn't have pants on under his towel.  I don't think anyone got a show because he had a shirt on that covered everything.  At least I hope so.  I didn't look but made him cover up right away.  YIKES! Again, I have to trust in God's grace to navigate each of these new twistings and turnings.  I still think they're better off with me than in any facility full of well meaning but overworked attendants.  Today, I'm going to take them to a church rummage sale where they're serving lunch.  It happens to be a church where I'll be the guest preacher on Sunday.  I'm really looking forward to having this opportunity and I want to see where I'll be.  And it will be good for them to get out for awhile.  So off I go to start the process of getting Mom up.  A daily exercise in patience and persistent kindness - one we are managing with humor and grace.  Most of the time!

Winsome Holiness

Last night I went to a dinner and talk at Hallack's church.  My former SPU professor was the speaker and I was intrigued by his topic: winsome holiness.  He spoke on I Peter and I was struck by his urgent message to "live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day He visits us." 

And this brought me to the place of clarity about what bothers me in the whole Chick-Fil-A debate.  It is that speaking out and standing in lines and taking a stand against gay marriage does nothing to build the kingdom of God but rather further divides us as a nation.  I'd much rather we were putting all our efforts into loving our neighbor as ourselves and I don't know anyone who couldn't be challenged in this area.  I do believe that there is a place to talk about sexual purity - for heterosexuals and homosexuals but you have to earn the right to do so.  Our children desperately need to know what healthy, God given sexuality looks like - not what they see in the movies, on TV and hear about in the locker rooms but we have to be involved in their lives.  The old saying "people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care," comes to mind. 

I'm really tired of all the line drawing that we do in this country;  politically and religiously.  It seems as though you can't say anything without someone trying to peg where you stand and put you into one camp or another.  I have people that I love and care deeply about on both ends of the spectrum and I just want to be the donkey that Jesus rides in on, for all of them.  I don't know how we've gotten so unbalanced when it comes to Jesus' wonderful teaching in the sermon on the mount but I know that we have.  His words to us on prayer, fasting, loving our neighbors, not worrying, putting the kingdom first (and not storing up treasures) and also not judging (lest we be judged) are not the outstanding markers of His Church in America.  I grieve that our wonderful message of love and forgiveness gets lost in all our bickering, our greed, and our self righteousness. 

I guess I'll end by saying that being home with my parents and wrestling through my brokenness has led me to a deeper sense of my need for God.  And how hard it is to embrace humility.  And how gracious He is to take me day by day through my ups and downs and yet never gives up on me.  Love never fails - oh that this would be the mark of His Body in all the World.  His never ending love.

Mom's happy mood

I just have to stop for a moment and talk about how Mom is doing.  She is so much happier since our vacation (during which, Gail and Adie took care of  them.)  She is still quite confused but she finds it funny.  And her attitude is so much easier for me to deal with.  This morning as she was waking up, I was sitting on her bed and stroking her face.  As I often do, I asked if she knew where she was and who she is, I am, etc?  Today she told me she is Ruth Hinck and that she's 20 years old.  I told her she was actually 86 and she just laughed.  "Really?"  she said and I responded, "isn't it funny how you feel like a young person inside but you just keep getting older?"  "I can hardly believe how old I am!"  Later, as I was getting her ready to take her shower she said to me, "I like it when you call me Mom even though I know I can't be."

Hallack just asked me why I think things are better since our vacation and I told him I think it's a combination of things.  One, my attitude is so much better and I find that Mom responds to my mood as I do to hers.  So, if she wakes up cheerful, it's easier for me to be patient/gentle/kind and then she responds to that with gratitude.  I do remember that there have been times when I've been patient/gentle/kind and she was grumpy and miserable so it's more than just my attitude.  Secondly, I think she had a good time with my sisters but she really did miss me.  Finally, I think this is a new phase that she's in and I am just grateful for it.  And I know it might not last.  Probably won't.  Today, I'm going to enjoy her generally happy state of mind and make the most of it.  And I'm going to really clean their room because it needs it.