A Trip Out and Going to Church

It has been a good couple of days (with a few setbacks) beginning with a visit to a big nursery in Woodinville. I ordered the newspaper for Dad and in it was a coupon for 40% off on one item at Molbacks (a really nice nursery). So on Thursday, I called my sister-in-law and she brought her mom (who has alzheimers) over, so that we could go together. It was a nice fall day and perfect for a little drive and adventure. I purchased a plant for our yard to commemorate their move in and we had fun walking around and looking at all the incredible plants and holiday displays - both Halloween and Christmas. Mom complained quite a bit and kept wanting to sit down so we found the cafe that sits in the middle of a beautiful garden. It was lovely and peaceful so we just enjoyed a tasty treat and sat and visited. That night Dad was so appreciative and thanked me for a really fun day. I know how much he needs to get out and that has become my motivator to push through mom's objections. In the end, she enjoyed it as well.

Yesterday we actually made it to church and even though it took quite a bit of pushing and cajoling and motivational speaking - we got there. Again, they both enjoyed it and were so glad that they went. At one point I said to mom, "look, I really need this and so do you so we're going to go." She couldn't argue with that!

In between those two great outings we had a couple of challenges. Dad fell down on Friday night right before he went to bed. And he didn't tell me about it until the next morning. He was stepping back from helping mom and lost his balance, landed hard on his butt and then hit his shoulder and head quite hard. I can't believe I didn't hear it and that he didn't let me know! I tried to emphasize how important it is for him to fill me in on these kinds of happenings when they actually happen. He told me that he did tell me, that I was right there and in fact, I was in bed with him. I told him, "no, I was not and not to tell other people that!" Another sign that he's not quite as sharp as I sometimes assume he is. He did not want me to take him to the ER and only wanted to take it easy for a couple of days. So I did and yet, in the middle of the night, I lie and worry if that was the best thing to do. I walk a fine line between caring for him and yet still letting him have some authority over his own life. What if he had bleeding in the brain? I watched him pretty carefully over the past 48 hours and he seems to be fine. He is a stubborn old coot. The other challenge came Saturday night while he was showering and he pulled down the shower curtain. Mom was standing in the doorway stressing out and the only thing to do was to go and help him - while he stood there stick stark naked. I just did my best to give him privacy by not looking and keeping the curtain between the two of us. The day of seeing him naked was bound to come and I think we both handled it pretty well. I never did find out why the shower curtain fell - he said he didn't fall, but I'm assuming he grabbed it or stepped on it and down it came. I plan to have a mounted rod put in (that has always been the plan) but now it seems that I need to do this sooner rather than later. Time to finish the work in their bathroom!

Each day is a gift and an opportunity for grace and growth - I'm so aware of that. I'm still grateful for this time in my life and the much slower pace that I'm living. As I keep my eyes on God and look to Him for strength and perspective I find many reasons to be grateful. As long as I don't try to figure out what's coming down around the river bend. I'm just enjoying it as it comes.

The Visit

Yesterday, mom's cousin came for lunch and a visit.  It was great to have their first visitor and it was so good for mom (almost three hours flew by and she wasn't wanting to go and lay back down....)  It reminds me how important stimulation is for both of them - even when she claims she doesn't want it. 

A few things were said, however, that made me cringe and I can't help but want to process them.  One of the first things she said was "how is it living under the thumb of your daughter?"  Yikes.  A little later, after finding out they'd only been here three weeks, she said "oh, you're still in the honeymoon stage - wait until they've been here two months!"  And as she was leaving and I was thanking her for coming, she said "I think I've done some good here."  Wow.

In between these gems were some good times of reminiscing and encouragement and open sharing about our lives.  What I have to remember is that when someone says things like this it's usually coming out of their own story (guilt, remorse, denial...) and since she put her mom in a nursing home she may be reacting to our situation from that place.  That's what I've found so amazing since I answered this call to care for mom and dad - how many people have tried to talk me out of it.  Complete strangers, good friends, caregivers at Aegis and distant relatives all seem to think that I don't really know what I'm getting into.  Of course I don't really know (even after 3 weeks) because things can change so rapidly but that's why I have to take it "one day at a time."  When I try to peer into the future and imagine what next year or even next week will look like I'm only asking for trouble.  Worry and fear often accompany forecasting and all of it is useless.  Today is all I have and it is enough.  This discipline (of living one day at a time) is hard work but may be the very best gift I'm being given.  Time to get them up and see what mischief we can get into.

The ER

Thursday brought about a new experience - spending time in the ER. I know my brother John had quite a few of these adventures and I'm appreciating his care of them these past few years with a deeper understanding! It started while taking Dad to the Sports Medicine clinic to try and get him some relief for his feet. He has extreme athritis in his left foot and says he can "hear the bones crunching." We came away with several options for topical pain relief and I'm delighted to say that the lidocain patch is effective (although we can't use it all the time). While at the clinic I noticed how desperately he needed a pedicure and so we went for that next. Mom was increasingly agitated during these appointments so after I fed them dinner I finally called the "on call" doctor who sent me to the ER. I was suspecting and it was confirmed that she had a urinary tract infection. UTI's can cause much confusion in the elderly and that's what clued me in. After a couple of painful procedures and an IV drip of antibiotic, they wrote us up a prescription and sent us all home. I filled her oral prescription the next morning and she seemed to be doing much better on Friday. Mark came to hang out with Mom and Dad while I took the evening off to go to dinner and a conference with a friend. So far so good.

Saturday she was pretty worn out so spent more time sleeping but nothing was too unusual. I had purchased an intercom system that day so Dad could page me when he needs me. That way I could be out in the yard working and know he wouldn't have to walk to get my attention. I also want him to be able to page me in the night. It was a good thing because he ended up using it on Sunday morning when Mom got delusional. She went to bed early (6:30!) and I worried that she might not sleep through the night. When she feels woozy there is nothing she wants to do other than lie down flat on her bed. So off to bed she went (although I did tell her she couldn't bother Dad if she woke up in the middle of the night :0).

She woke up convinced that two men were in the other room, talking about her. I tried to tell her that she must've been dreaming but she got really agitated at that and, with heavy disgust, told me to "just go back to bed and to sleep!" She looked at her water bottle and thought that someone was trying to poison her. She asked me to go talk to Mark in the next room (although he wasn't!). I did finally manage to calm her down and get her back to sleep but it made me wonder if the infection was not clearing up. After talking to another "on call" doctor I took her back to the ER. This time we spent over 5 hours while they ran almost every test imaginable. The final evaluation was by a mental health professional who offered inpatient psychiatric treatment as one of her options. I declined that one.

She was completely worn out again yesterday but when she finally did get up at 1:30, she was so much more like her old self. We had a nice evening together and they didn't go to bed until 10pm. I think that perhaps now she's getting over the effects of the infection (she seemed to be doing much better when I gave her meds this morning.)

The concern for me is that there always seems to be a crisis on Sunday morning that keeps me from taking them to church. Last week I got to go because Bekah was home but this week we all had to miss. I know how crucial it is for my overall health to be able to worship so I'm convinced that this is a spiritual attack. The first week when I made Mom go, she was so glad afterwards and in such good spirits. My prayer is going to be focused on Saturday night and Sunday morning so that we can all go to church. I want them to keep their focus on God and His loving care for them. That is the reason that I'm available to them and in order to keep us all in balance we need to keep our eyes on Him. I welcome all the prayers I can get for this challenge. "Our fight isn't against flesh and blood but against the principalities and powers of darkness." Eph 6:12 Thank you for your prayers.

Today

Today Dad is sleeping in and I think he's depressed. He looked at the stack of receipts for all the meds he's taking and then told me "it's so much money" (remind me to put that kind of stuff away!) and "I'm not worth it." No matter how much I say that he's "worth it", I can't make him believe it. He has spent his whole life being productive and just sitting around is not cutting it.

He wants to do something and I'm trying to figure out what that can be.

Our first foray into projects was a bit of a disaster. He was helping me put shelves together for the bathroom but instead of reading the directions he just started putting the screws in - without the locking washers. I would have let it go but they were wobbly and he even realized it so we had to go back and do them all over again. He's too "with it" to not realize that this made the project twice as long and it was a bit frustrating for me. I tried not to show it but I'm afraid he intuited it - or maybe he didn't and I'm just worrying about it. Then came the fiasco of putting the door handle on. I hadn't asked for his help but he stepped in anyway. He's no longer strong enough to put in screws by hand and when I got him the electric drill, he ended up stripping one of the screws and scratching the new handle.

So what I really need to do is find projects that he can succeed at without being patronizing. And not worry if something is not perfect (damn my perfectionism rearing it's ugly head). I was able to tell Dad that the scratches didn't matter - and say it with sincerity. I'm afraid, however, that this was not my first reaction and he knew it.
So I go back to remembering how important love is to this whole situation - it really is the foundation from which I must operate. Love covers over a multitude of sins (including perfectionism) and not only has this been my parenting mantra - it is now my parenting parents mantra.

A follow up to the morning's reason for sleeping in. He was just snuggling with mom and they were saying how much they love one another. When I found that out, I told them to not let me interrupt them and left them alone. Love, it really is the reason to live and does heal all wounds. And it is in such short supply simply because we do not turn to the Giver of Love and ask. Well, I'm learning to ask (and have been for some time) in each and every situation. This is the joy and challenge I've been given for this season. And every season.

Bewildered

...that's how Dad looked when I came out from helping Mom and found him with his breakfast upchucked all over the nice clothes he'd put on for church. The look was sort of "what just happened?" and "what do I do now?" I got him cleaned up and back in his pajamas as quickly as possible and then tackled the floor. He's not sick very often so it took us both by surprise and I'm still wondering if it was the combination of his meds and orange juice on an empty stomach? He slept most of the day but today seems to be much better so I've made a mental note to get food in him before giving the fistful of drugs that he takes at each meal.

The bigger reminder for me is that these kinds of episodes will some day be more of the rule rather than the exception. The day when both of them need more intensive care and what if that happens simultaneously? Those are the kinds of questions / concerns that I can't solve now so am choosing to trust them to God, the One who holds the future.

This afternoon I dropped a smoothie on the floor and it splashed from one end of the kitchen to the other. This time I found the humor in being back on the floor, washing it on my hands and knees and it reminded me of my favorite book "The Christian's Secret of a Happy Life." In this 1880's classic by Hannah Whitall Smith, she talks about how our daily circumstances can be used to grow us into the likeness of Christ IF (and it's a big if) we allow them to. How do I let the little and sometimes not so little challenges affect me? This is truly my challenge and I choose to let God stretch me in uncomfortable ways. As I was mopping up the smoothie I thought of Romans 5:3-5 "And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us." And while a spilled smoothie is hardly suffering, it is a circumstance that I can choose to endure and allow character to be built by my response to it. That and all the little challenges I face in caring for mom as she despairs over her illness. My choice is to keep looking to Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit and pointing her to that hope as well. This is my calling and my daily choice - thanks be to God for the gift of His Spirit!

Living With Mom and Dad

This is so much like life when the kids were little that I have to remind myself - they're your parents! So often I want to write down what they say but, at the end of the day, I'm usually too tired to do so. Sound familiar? Here are a few snapshots from the first 9 days of living together:

Mom (hollering to Dad in the bathroom) "Bob, I need you to give me your ears!"

Dad (this morning at 7:30) "Are we going anywhere?" "No Dad, where did you think we were going?" "I thought I needed to go to school, but I graduated didn't I?"

Me (when I came into the bedroom and found mom hogging most of the bed and snuggled up to Dad) "Dad, you need to tell Mom to move over so you don't fall out of the bed again." Dad - "but I like it when she's close to me."

Mom had a rough day today and was upset about how confused she gets. When she's upset she tends to blame Dad for everything and anything. I'm so glad I can run interference and redirect her. He's so sweet and doting on her but she often misses it. It's almost as if she's gotten stuck in a few bad experiences from the first couple of years from their marriage. She brings up things that happened when Mark or Adie were babies. When I get impatient with either of them I ask God to help me learn what I'm supposed to learn from this whole experience. Today I kept going back to how hard it must be to lose your sense of control and the ability to order your life. Often when Mom is going to do something (like get dressed) she just gets stuck and doesn't know the next step to take. I just keep reminding her that I'm here to help - she doesn't have to remember. Still, she's been in control her whole life. That's a whole lot like me and so I'm learning to let go of control now and then maybe it won't be so hard later!

So why am I doing this? I love hearing how happy our daughters are in college and so glad that this enables that. I am deeply satisfied to know that Dad has an advocate when Mom gets unreasonable and that I can calm her down when she gets panicky. I really love being able to tackle projects around the house that I've had to put off for so long as well as make nourishing meals for everyone and be here when Ben gets home from school. All of this is just icing on the cake for the real reason that I'm caring for my parents. I know that I'm called to do this and that God is using this for my growth. I made a commitment to "just do what God wants" several years ago and I'm certain that this is what He wants. Obedience, in this case, has many blessings attached to it and that's what keeps me going when I start to think about the challenges ahead. God will give me the grace to do this, one day at a time. We made it through another day.

Parenting our Parents

I hardly know where to begin as I think about the events that have unfolded these past two months. I know it began for me when Mom fainted in their retirement home apartment just a couple days before Christmas. She ended up in the hospital where they diagnosed her with heart problems - a valve that needed replacing. At 85 years old this was not a viable option. After a few days she returned to the place that she's never embraced as home even though she and Dad had been living there since the end of August. The home is nice - clean, new and spacious with lots of activities to participate in and two meals provided every day. They had the largest unit - a big two bed/bath that a fair amount of their favorite possessions still fit into. Still, it was not their home and Mom started isolating herself and withdrawing from social interaction almost from the first day. After she came home from the hospital it got worse until she wouldn't even go for meals (and our 91 year old father began bringing food up to her on a tray). I didn't see it but it caused the staff and other residents of the home great concern. The turning point (and possibly saving grace) came when Mom's heart shot a blood clot to her leg and she was sent back to the hospital for minor surgery to remove it. Something had to change in their situation and this forced it to happen.

My brothers and sisters all have their perspective on this unfolding of events and I don't claim to have the corner on truth - I can only tell it as I experienced it. I'm so very grateful that we have each other to lean on, cry with and, sometimes unexpectedly, laugh with. I don't know how we would've done all that needed to get done without each of us taking a part. That, for me, has been the silver lining in this rapid downward spiral of our parents' health.

After several trips to Wenatchee to visit mom and dad in December and January, I began to see that they needed more care than they were getting and that being centrally located would help that to happen. All of us were set to meet on February 5th to plan how to do this - our parents were having a hard time accepting the reality of their situation and every change was a battle. That is why the last hospitalization and move to a rehab facility turned out to be a gift. Suddenly they were forced apart and it caused them to be more open to new options.

The week that everything changed for me was when I went over to help get her set up in the rehab center. She was to stay there until she was strong enough to take care of herself again. The place she ended up in Wenatchee was the place I promised myself that our parents never would. The staff was kind, hardworking and possibly understaffed. The facility was old with a smell that seemed to cling to you as you left. Mom had a roommate who was there permanently and with no TV or phone, she would often chat and throw out riddles for us to solve. She was a delight but her situation was so depressing. Then there was the man down the hall who would begin hollering for help in the evening (sundowners, they call it)and wouldn't let up for a couple of hours..."help me, help me, help me...." Finally there was the food....so worried that Mom wasn't eating we began bringing in Subway (and later cheeseburgers from Mickey D's). All that Dad wanted to do was sit by her bedside and hold her hand. Then they would both fall asleep and it was so touching that it made me want to cry.

to be continued....