Parenting our Parents

I hardly know where to begin as I think about the events that have unfolded these past two months. I know it began for me when Mom fainted in their retirement home apartment just a couple days before Christmas. She ended up in the hospital where they diagnosed her with heart problems - a valve that needed replacing. At 85 years old this was not a viable option. After a few days she returned to the place that she's never embraced as home even though she and Dad had been living there since the end of August. The home is nice - clean, new and spacious with lots of activities to participate in and two meals provided every day. They had the largest unit - a big two bed/bath that a fair amount of their favorite possessions still fit into. Still, it was not their home and Mom started isolating herself and withdrawing from social interaction almost from the first day. After she came home from the hospital it got worse until she wouldn't even go for meals (and our 91 year old father began bringing food up to her on a tray). I didn't see it but it caused the staff and other residents of the home great concern. The turning point (and possibly saving grace) came when Mom's heart shot a blood clot to her leg and she was sent back to the hospital for minor surgery to remove it. Something had to change in their situation and this forced it to happen.

My brothers and sisters all have their perspective on this unfolding of events and I don't claim to have the corner on truth - I can only tell it as I experienced it. I'm so very grateful that we have each other to lean on, cry with and, sometimes unexpectedly, laugh with. I don't know how we would've done all that needed to get done without each of us taking a part. That, for me, has been the silver lining in this rapid downward spiral of our parents' health.

After several trips to Wenatchee to visit mom and dad in December and January, I began to see that they needed more care than they were getting and that being centrally located would help that to happen. All of us were set to meet on February 5th to plan how to do this - our parents were having a hard time accepting the reality of their situation and every change was a battle. That is why the last hospitalization and move to a rehab facility turned out to be a gift. Suddenly they were forced apart and it caused them to be more open to new options.

The week that everything changed for me was when I went over to help get her set up in the rehab center. She was to stay there until she was strong enough to take care of herself again. The place she ended up in Wenatchee was the place I promised myself that our parents never would. The staff was kind, hardworking and possibly understaffed. The facility was old with a smell that seemed to cling to you as you left. Mom had a roommate who was there permanently and with no TV or phone, she would often chat and throw out riddles for us to solve. She was a delight but her situation was so depressing. Then there was the man down the hall who would begin hollering for help in the evening (sundowners, they call it)and wouldn't let up for a couple of hours..."help me, help me, help me...." Finally there was the food....so worried that Mom wasn't eating we began bringing in Subway (and later cheeseburgers from Mickey D's). All that Dad wanted to do was sit by her bedside and hold her hand. Then they would both fall asleep and it was so touching that it made me want to cry.

to be continued....