Coming up on a year....

I'm asking for prayers since I'm facing the fall with a bit of depression. I
met with a caregiver counselor and she said that I probably need
anti-depressants. The way she described my situation - like a car that is
trying to run with a rundown battery made sense to me. I am low on serotonin
and it's hard to even get started to do the things that help give me joy. I made an appointment for both Dad and me to go see our doctor and get some medical help.

I've noticed a trend with me...when I'm feeling lonely or overwhelmed and sometimes in despair I often go to Facebook. First to see how the girls are doing but once there, I get hooked by the postings I see. And then I do a dangerous thing - I repost articles that lean toward the left. My thought is always that if I post a particularly compelling article that some of my really radical right leaning friends will rethink their positions and we can come more toward center. A wrong thought in this political climate. So then I go back to a place of faith and hope and trust. Will either political party determine the future of our country or is God really God? I shudder to think what our future will be like if greed and hatred really are the driving forces. Not convinced that a democrat agenda will be the answer but, for me, it really is the lesser of two evils. Finally I have to say that my trust does not rest in a political party or a country but in the God who created this amazing world we live in. A God who loves not only me (and those who look and think like me) but every single global citizen. I refuse to let any election, any crisis or my own personal situation drag me away from that Truth.

I had a good talk with Dad last night after a pretty rough evening with Mom. One where she was sobbing, confused and wanting to go home. It does no good to try and reason with her so I simply sat, held her hand and prayed for her. I ended up putting her to bed even though it was only 5pm because she simply was too distraught. Dad lay down with her for awhile and then got up to talk with me. He is sad and trying to face the reality of her situation - a very brave thing to do. We are going to see Mom's neurologist this week and perhaps Dad should sit in on that appointment just to get a better sense of what is happening with her.

Here are some of the latest developments with Mom:

-she's taken to avoiding the cracks in the floor unless I remind her that it will not "break her mother's back."

-she no longer seems to be able to tell whether or not she's really hungry and always says she is, even after finishing a substantial meal.

-she has begun calling me "mommy"

-I've had to increase her seroquel (anti psychotic medicine) to three times a day instead of two

-her words increasingly come out wrong although I can usually make sense of what she's saying (ie "I need to let the picks go to will" actually meant "pills go to work.")

-she's often agitated and either scared or angry - the movie "A Beautiful Mind" keeps surfacing in my thoughts even though I don't know if it actually fits. Perhaps I need to watch it.

So that's some of my ramblings for today. I'm starting to pray for God to take her home sooner rather than later for she seems so unhappy. I do believe that she will go in the "fullness of time," and my job is to care for myself, Dad and her as best I can each day. A lot more daunting of a task than this time a year ago but the same call nonetheless. Here's to a year almost come to a close - a year that I'm sure has impacted me in ways I can barely understand. And for that I am very, very grateful.

On Being Mom's Mom

It is my practice to start the day by checking in with Mom on where she is, who she is, who I am and I get a variety of responses.  Often she's in Wenatchee, once in a while Milwaukee or DeWitt and these days she's been saying "your house."  Which is right but then she has some wild ideas about who I am.  For awhile I was Alex or Hallack (interesting how she can come up with our spouses' names but not ours), but once I was Kira(with a long i) and Aga (which she spelled out for me -
A-G-A).  When I ask her what our relationship is, she usually knows that I'm her daughter but the day I was Kira, I was her professor (which I thought was flattering and told her so.)  She laughed at that. 

The one that she's said to me twice now is "you're my mom."  The first time she said it, I thought for a moment and then answered, "yes, yes I am."  And I think I embraced it completely for the first time.  Our roles have completely reversed and she is no longer my cheerleader, mentor, advice giver and biggest fan but rather my very dependent responsibility.  The mom I used to call when my life was crashing down around me now needs me to walk her through an incredibly scary time in her life.  Life is so unfamiliar and not much makes sense to her anymore.  The first time she called me Mom, I asked her how old she was and she said 20, another time she said 13 or 14.  My sister Gail says that maybe she is regressing and will be an infant soon.  I don't know, it could be (although this morning she said 1300!)  In the book, "Final Gifts", the authors (who are hospice nurses) say that a person who is failing is much more aware of where they're at and if we listen they will tell us.  I'm listening and am confident that however long this lasts, that God gives me grace to love and grow in the midst of  it all.

Dad has been failing as well - and I ask myself, "what do you expect from a man who is 93?"  It's still hard to see him sleeping more and more and struggling to walk.  He really should have a walker but he refuses.  Now when we go anywhere, he needs my arm to lean on and yesterday, when we went to the library, he used the scooter they provide.  I offer it to him each time we go but that was the first time he took me up on it.  I'm happy to say that he negotiated the aisles of books pretty well.  I didn't think about that until he got on it and started to head for the racks.  The humorous part was that he can't hear over the sound of the motor very well and I found myself trying to whisper loudly.  Have you ever tried to do that? 

It's hard for me not to take responsibility for his failing because I struggle to meet his needs and Mom's at the same time.  He really should get out more but she resists.  He's also showing signs of dementia - forgetting to brush his hair, putting shirts on backwards, forgetting where his hearing aids are (even when they're in his pocket) etc.  Last week I took him to a friend's neighborhood pool and he flashed the pool while showing me he didn't have pants on under his towel.  I don't think anyone got a show because he had a shirt on that covered everything.  At least I hope so.  I didn't look but made him cover up right away.  YIKES! Again, I have to trust in God's grace to navigate each of these new twistings and turnings.  I still think they're better off with me than in any facility full of well meaning but overworked attendants.  Today, I'm going to take them to a church rummage sale where they're serving lunch.  It happens to be a church where I'll be the guest preacher on Sunday.  I'm really looking forward to having this opportunity and I want to see where I'll be.  And it will be good for them to get out for awhile.  So off I go to start the process of getting Mom up.  A daily exercise in patience and persistent kindness - one we are managing with humor and grace.  Most of the time!

Winsome Holiness

Last night I went to a dinner and talk at Hallack's church.  My former SPU professor was the speaker and I was intrigued by his topic: winsome holiness.  He spoke on I Peter and I was struck by his urgent message to "live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day He visits us." 

And this brought me to the place of clarity about what bothers me in the whole Chick-Fil-A debate.  It is that speaking out and standing in lines and taking a stand against gay marriage does nothing to build the kingdom of God but rather further divides us as a nation.  I'd much rather we were putting all our efforts into loving our neighbor as ourselves and I don't know anyone who couldn't be challenged in this area.  I do believe that there is a place to talk about sexual purity - for heterosexuals and homosexuals but you have to earn the right to do so.  Our children desperately need to know what healthy, God given sexuality looks like - not what they see in the movies, on TV and hear about in the locker rooms but we have to be involved in their lives.  The old saying "people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care," comes to mind. 

I'm really tired of all the line drawing that we do in this country;  politically and religiously.  It seems as though you can't say anything without someone trying to peg where you stand and put you into one camp or another.  I have people that I love and care deeply about on both ends of the spectrum and I just want to be the donkey that Jesus rides in on, for all of them.  I don't know how we've gotten so unbalanced when it comes to Jesus' wonderful teaching in the sermon on the mount but I know that we have.  His words to us on prayer, fasting, loving our neighbors, not worrying, putting the kingdom first (and not storing up treasures) and also not judging (lest we be judged) are not the outstanding markers of His Church in America.  I grieve that our wonderful message of love and forgiveness gets lost in all our bickering, our greed, and our self righteousness. 

I guess I'll end by saying that being home with my parents and wrestling through my brokenness has led me to a deeper sense of my need for God.  And how hard it is to embrace humility.  And how gracious He is to take me day by day through my ups and downs and yet never gives up on me.  Love never fails - oh that this would be the mark of His Body in all the World.  His never ending love.