Christmas - Come and Gone

Wow was Christmas Day tough - for so many reasons. The emotions of the season spilled over on a day that has too many expectations piled onto it. I feel a version of this almost every year as I strive to make it unreasonably memorable for our kids. I try to balance the gift giving with a sense of what Christmas is really about but it is the time of year when I get a little carried away. (Or a lot when you think about what the third world countries have in comparison.) This year the

typical anxiety was tripled by trying to make it memorable for Mom and Dad as well. So it's no wonder that I came a bit unhinged yesterday.

Perhaps the unhinging was necessary because one result is that I realized I've been being played by Mom. When we sat in the neurologist office and she said that she really wants to live and get better, I started questioning her choices. Yesterday it hit me how much she has become dependent on me to do almost everything for her. When I filled out the paperwork for respite care I realized how much more I have to do for her now than when she first moved in. If she were losing the will to live and was shutting down in life, that would make sense. However, she doesn't want to let go yet and so her dependence on me is strangling me. And for awhile I allowed it but today I have a different perspective. A person who wants to get better, gets up and engages with life and does not spend all day lying in bed. I know she doesn't feel great but the less she does, the less she'll be able to do. I want her to live the days she has left with as much gusto as she can muster - for her sake, for Dad's sake and definitely for my sake.

With that in mind, I'm thinking that she might actually make it for another birthday, another Thanksgiving or another Christmas. Or she might not but I don't think it helps any of us to live this depressing, bedridden existence unless she really is ready to let go. And I don't think she is.

Having Hope

Once again I'm back on the hopeful side, the "sunny side" of life and determined to not let myself get pushed to that overwhelmed place again. Today I took in the papers to have Dr. Lee sign them and they're finally finished and in the mail so I should soon be able to get some respite care assistance. The big turn actually came with a visit to Dr. Kirschner - Mom's neurologist. We have a series of steps to take with her medications to help deal with her hallucinations. He was so helpful, thoughtful and understands how challenging this can be. It will probably take several weeks to see some results but at least I feel we are moving in a helpful direction.

I also had a nice talk with Dr. Lee (while signing the papers) and I think he understands better what we are dealing with. I ran into a friend who's been through something similar with her parents and she told me that since Mom can rally herself and get out for things; she probably isn't ready for hospice. Someone else had told me that hospice likes to come in early to get to know the person and have a more normal relationship and that if it goes longer than six months then they will extend (so many people giving me so much advice.) I have to discern what is helpful and what is not. Then there is the fundamental difference between what hospice does and what their primary care physician is aiming toward. I really appreciate Dr. Lee and his sweet manner toward Mom and Dad (and me) yet his whole goal is prolonging life while hospice is geared toward ending well. I want both of them to end well with peace and joy - not clinging to this life but eagerly anticipating the next. I want that for my life and yet so much of the medical community is focused toward hanging onto life at all costs. And what a cost it is. I would rather live my life like the apostle Paul who said "For to me, living is Christ and dying is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which I prefer. I am hard pressed between the two; my desire is to depart and be with Christ for that is far better; (Phil. 1:21-23) He goes on to say that since he believes it will be for the good of others that he will stay "in this life." Our problem with death today is that we've lost that longing to be "with Christ." We no longer desire Heaven like so many believers before us. We are so focused on this life that we fear death and the next life. After our brother Neal died, I realized that I didn't know much about heaven. I figured that since that was where he now is, I wanted to know more about it. So I started reading and studying and found a wonderful book called "Things Unseen." It helped me so much that I'm now re-reading it to Mom (and Dad sometimes listens). I don't know how much she understands but she's enjoying it and it's helping me immensely.

I've had so many sweet and precious talks with Mom about how hard this is. She wants to know why it's so difficult and during one of those talks I had a flash of insight. I asked her to remember how hard the end of pregnancy is and that even though childbirth is scary, you are willing to go through anything to be done with pregnancy. I told her that is what happens for some people as they die. We often fear death and so we need to get to that place of desperation before we're ready to let go of this life. And I don't think we can even begin to imagine how amazing the next life will be. The closer I draw in my relationship to Jesus the more I long for this new life. Oh, I'm no more eager to die than the next person but as I learn to love and trust Jesus more I also long to know Him without limitations and that will only happen in Heaven. So I continue to speak well of what is coming and I trust that this will make it easier for Mom to let go when it's her time. Whenever that is.

A Weepy Week

This has been the week of great sadness. It started earlier this week with tears from Mom and Dad over their circumstances and ended with the expected but still difficult news today that Mom's sister died. Interwoven have been teary phone calls from Hannah over relationship challenges. Tonight I feel tapped out but also grateful for moments of provision and grace. I'm especially grateful that I can call Adie, Gail and Mark at any time to get encouragement, love, support and very often a reason to laugh.

Last night as I was getting Mom ready for bed she said that she needed to get some sleep because they have that little child to take care of. I looked at her quizzically and asked "Ben?" And she said no, she couldn't remember the name but she thought Hib's son (my cousin Art who is now 56!) She looked so normal sitting there, smiling and talking nonsense - those moments still catch me by surprise. When she's lying in bed and has hallucinations (like the one on Wednesday where she thought she was in a hospital being abused...) I'm more prepared than when they just come out of the blue.

That helps me to understand why their primary care physician doesn't see the reason for looking into hospice. He doesn't see her lying in bed, refusing to get up to even use the restroom. He only sees her after I've coaxed, cajoled, bribed and threatened her to get up, get dressed and get in the car. When she's sitting there smiling and pleasant - she looks pretty "with it." That is why he sends her for a mammogram and bone density test (which I now wish I had refused). He really doesn't know how little she holds onto of herself. How fragile she is and how the most loving thing is to help her let go. A large part of her is so ready and then there's the part that doesn't want to leave Dad. I've come to believe that he really needs to give her permission to go - for both of their sakes.

I set up a visit to Grace Lutheran on Monday so that David Head (a dear friend and leader of their former small group) can talk with Dad. He's the spiritual leader that loves them both and can give Dad the comfort he needs and making that appointment saved the day for me. After giving Mom the ice cream she requested (I offered tea, she wanted ice cream) and then fixing Nachos for dinner; we ended the evening by watching "Black Beauty." By the time she went to bed she was all smiles and sunk into bed with a deeply contented sigh. I'm not sure where the news of Cordy's death went but I don't think it was in her conscious thoughts. My prayer is that she sleeps well and dreams of reuniting with people she loves.

With everything else going on, I was extremely frustrated to discover that our mischieveous dog had chewed up the papers I had finally finished up to send in to the long term care insurance. I'm trying to get some help with paying for respite care. This has been hanging over my head for several months and it was finally all ready to go - and now I have to start all over. This means I have to have new papers sent to me and have to have the doctor fill them out again. The only good thing that could come out of this is that this forces me to really explain to him what is going on. The tricky part is that either I need to have conversation with him over the phone or I'd have to do it with Mom there. Either way I can't do anything about it until Monday so I guess I'll just enjoy having the girls home.

Once again our house is full with life and stuff and love and I'm so glad to have the extra help. I'm sure I'll be able to get Dad out more with the girls home. Just in the nick of time. Thank You dear Heavenly Daddy!

How Writing Helps

One thing I've come to accept about myself is that I need to write. Usually I need to write in my journal to get all my thoughts and emotions out (where I can literally look at them). Today I feel that I need to be honest with my depression. I am fighting depression and I know it doesn't help to suppress it - I've tried that before! Facing and pondering it is the best cure I've found.

I've come to believe that depression is anger turned inward and it's usually a sign that I'm not being honest with myself. Nice girls don't get angry - they get depressed. So I've been asking myself, "what might you be angry about?" I might be angry at God as I see how hard it is to age...how can this be a good thing? This aging? I'm very likely angry at the seemingly unending nature of this kind of care giving. I'm quite possibly angry at Mom and Dad for not being more prepared for aging...they seem so surprised by it. I'm probably a bit angry at God for what sometimes feels like a stall pattern in my life. I'm sure that I'm angry that Mom and Dad didn't deal with the dysfunction in their relationship and how they still war with each other (even while still needing and deeply loving the other).

Now that I put all the reasons I might be angry (oh there are probably a few more) I now want to deal with it constructively. The best way I know how to do that is to list all the things I'm grateful for. And then to spend time being grateful. This isn't Pollyanna thinking - it is a choice available to me to change my perspective. I have so much to be grateful for and that is the place I want to shift my focus to. Here are a few things I am thankful for:
1. This opportunity to grow and learn more about myself through the two people who were most influential in my life during formative years.
2. A wonderfully comfortable bathtub that allows me to sit back and soak in.
3. Lots of time to think. reflect, pray and, yes, write.
4. Sweet moments of tenderness that I get to witness between Mom and Dad and that we all get to give to each other.
5. The truth that this caring for them is a privilege and that it won't last forever.
6. The uncomfortable stretching that happens as I face my own selfishness and choose to put their needs first (in a healthy and not co-dependent way!)
7. Two dogs that force me to get out for regular walks in the beautiful woods so close to our home.
8. Friends and family that tell me I'm important to them and check in on me.
9. A husband who has weathered many storms with me and is truly my best friend.
10. Children who bring me deep joy as they grow and challenge my perspective and love me just the same.
Finally, I'm so very grateful for Jesus, Who loves me too much to let me wallow in anger and self-pity but draws me into His arms of love and gives me the courage to face all my circumstances. Oh, and I'm really glad for music that enlarges my soul and gives voice to my emotions - I better go put some on right now.

Another Week Gone

I can't believe it's Friday again and I wonder where the days go? I'm beginning to believe Mom and Dad when they say that time seems to go faster. The days seem to melt away and melt into one another. This aspect of caring threatened to overwhelm me this week...well that and the never ending nature of their needs.

Thank goodness for my dear friend and her early morning visit on Tuesday. Just being with her and listening to her life is like the sun breaking through on a cloudy day. I know that God brought her into my life last year and that He continues to bless each of us as we share and pray together. This week she was telling me about her life and we didn't even talk much about what was going on with me but God spoke to me through her none-the-less! I realized that I've been trying to do it all and it's wearing me down and the obvious place to get help is with the housecleaning. If I had someone come in twice a month to do a whole house scrubbing, that would be such a relief! I spoke with Hallack and he agreed so I'm looking forward to setting that up. It really is a matter of stewardship and that spending time with Mom and Dad, enjoying Hallack and Ben, cooking good meals and taking time to read and reflect is a much better use of my time than dusting (I really hate dusting :0). It really is a matter of recognizing that my energy and resources are limited and so I need to be thoughtful about what I do - I really cannot do it all (as much as I hate to admit it.)

We did have a very helpful appointment with Dr. Lee where I got lots of questions answered. I asked him about Mom's oxygen level and he doubted that was the source of her confusion. He brought in a nifty little device that clipped onto her finger which measured her oxygen level at 99% - can't get much better than that. That deflated me a bit because I was hoping that was the cause of her increasing level of dementia. I have an appointment with her cardiologist today and I'm looking forward to having an honest discussion about her prognosis. I am coming to grips with the fact that her mind is slipping away and the Mom that I loved to share my thoughts, joys and concerns with is no longer there. For instance, she thought she was getting a message from her hot chocolate yesterday - telling her what to do. It was both humorous and sad at the same time and I just try to love her in those moments. My little Mommy who needs my tenderness as she slowly slips away.

Back to the appointment...I als0 asked about their blood pressure and what I should be worried about when I take it. Dr. Lee told me that I could stop for the time being since it had been good for both of them when taken at the office. I'm so relieved since we all hate doing it - Mom especially as it seems to cause her pain and I hate to cause her pain. I also got a referral to take her to a gynecologist to check on her prolapse (not sure if it's vaginal or bladder but I sure want to have someone who knows take a look at it!) Finally I had him take a look at the blemish on Dad's face that was causing him pain (even though this was Mom's appointment - Dr. Lee called it a two-fer). After poking and picking at it (and making me squirm while I watched the pain on Dad's face) he gave the medical name for it and said it needed to be frozen - just like you would a wart. He treated it and although it hasn't fallen off yet, Dad says it no longer hurts him. I'm so glad. Dr. Lee told me that Dad probably has these skin blemishes (wax plugs?) all over his body and between that and the moles all over Mom's...well let's just say that I'm not looking forward to my skin care as I age.

It's my 53rd birthday on Sunday and I'm looking forward to a weekend of activities. Mark is coming this afternoon so that I can see the cardiologist and then Hallack and I will be going to a special worship service at Vineyard tonight. Our special date and I'm so looking forward to it! Adie offered to come on Sunday and I think we'll take that opportunity to get away and do our Christmas shopping. I am finding it increasingly hard to leave them as they seem fragile and ever more dependent on me. I do know that I have to take care of myself in order to do this for the long haul. How I want to do this for the long haul.

Our Baby is 14!

Ben turned 14 yesterday and we managed our first overnight birthday party with Mom and Dad in the house. He had 5 friends join him for pizza, pop, ice cream pie and lots of XBox :0). They were a nice group of boys and so it went really well. I took them to Safeway to gather food items to donate to Northwest Harvest and made a little competition out of it. They did a great job and had fun while doing it so I think it was a success (and Ben liked the idea). When we tried to donate the food at the nearest drop-off, things started to get a little funny. The store on Lake City Way was closed but I was able to call inside to ask if they'd still take our donation. The young man who opened the gate looked a bit spacey and there was a strange scent in the air which the boys seemed to figure out right away (it took me a little longer). The funny part was that they'd never heard of Northwest Harvest and had no idea they were listed as a drop-off location. The owner's son called his dad who was also clueless about NW Harvest so we took our goods and headed out. On the way home, I said to the boys "those guys looked a bit high." To which the boys all chimed in with comments about what they saw and heard. We all laughed it off and I decided that's probably enough of that store.

The next morning I left Hallack with the six boys, Mom & Dad and a freshly baked batch of cinnamon rolls (can you say "peace offering"?) while I headed out to speak at a women's Christmas brunch. They all seemed to survive my absence even though I didn't make it home until 1pm. It was stressful enough to prepare for and then be gone that I'll think long and hard before I do that again. However, I'm so encouraged that we could have a party like that in our new arrangement and everyone seemed to do well. And I can't believe that Ben is now 14! I am so proud of the young man he is and how well he's adjusted to having his grandparents living with us. Happy Birthday, Baby

A New Level of Healing

Yesterday was a really hard day for me (well and for Mom, too). On Wednesday she had a good day which I tried to replicate - it didn't work. The combination that was successful began with a good breakfast with Dad at 10:30 and then enough activity to keep her alert and awake until they went to bed at 9pm. They both slept really well and that only served to confirm my suspicion that she tends to get her days and nights mixed up. After breakfast on Wednesday, we did some reading and then Gisela came so I could watch her while my father-in-law had lunch with former colleagues from the bank. I think Mom enjoyed having her there and getting to be a help. After Gisela left, we hurried out the door to Dad's appointment with a urologist and then the audiologist (we have so many "ologists"....cardiologist, neurologist, proctologist, dermatologist....). The news from the urologist is potentially not so good - there is a possibility of bladder cancer from his radiation treatment of 12 years ago. We have a follow up appointment to check further in a couple of weeks and on Tuesday we'll have his PSA checked again. The audiologist was a much better appointment: we got his good hearing aid back and the levels on both were turned up so I'm happy to say that Dad is hearing much better!

So back to Mom...after all that excitement, we came back home and they had a nice evening together before they went to bed at 9pm. I got them both to floss their teeth and helped Mom to brush hers (my new assignment after being to the dentist on Monday). So yesterday when she decided to have breakfast with Dad at 10:30, I thought "great...we're into a new pattern!" That turned out to be wrong although I did try to keep her stimulated with reading and sharing with them the talk I'm working on for Saturday. After spending some time together, I went to organize all our bathroom items and she went to sit in her chair. I tried to find something interesting for her to watch but instead she started dozing off and on. At some point in the morning I got a call from her sister Vicki with bad news - their other sister, Cordy, is in the hospital with pnuemonia. I decided to tell her about it and that may be what was really underneath the challenges of the rest of the day. She is now waiting for the other shoe to drop - expecting each phone call to bring the news she's dreading to hear (at least that what she said to me at one point.) The rest of the day she didn't verbalize her concern but she was irritable and miserable to be around. I made the mistake of taking us all to the salon for pedicures because they were way overdue. I say mistake because, while Dad and I enjoyed it, Mom complained the whole time and said to Dad "I hate this place." She claims that the girl who worked on her, tortured her and "you cannot even believe how bad it hurts." I'm sure there must have been some pain but I do know that she said "ouch" even before the girl started trimming her toenails. I've experienced this with her as I've trimmed her fingernails or put on socks or even when I've accidentally bumped her toe while she's in bed. If she thinks she's going to have pain, she reacts very strongly - way out of proportion to the actual event. Of course, I'm not in her body and don't know how she's really feeling so I try to give her lots of grace in those moments. I do know that it makes her not very much fun to care for and it helps me to have compassion for all the caregivers she's maligned over the past year. And it also makes me glad that I'm the one caring for her with all the opportunities to grow in patience and kindness. I'm learning to find my worth, not in her perception of me (and my care) but in the joy that comes from obeying my Heavenly Father.

My deeper level of healing has been to realize that much of my life I've looked to my parents to give me worth and for a number of reasons, it wasn't forthcoming. So I turned to achieving and performing to get their attention and got addicted to that -what a rat trap that hamster wheel became! The past seven years or so, have been about learning to let that all go and discover my worth as a beloved daughter of my Heavenly Father. He is never surprised at my failures, never disappointed with how I turned out and always looks at me through the eyes of love. I don't have to reach some sort of unrealistic standard in order to have His love. And that is why I am a Christian. That is what the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ has done for me and what sets Christianity apart from all other faiths - it is the only one that says "you can't earn love, it is a gift that was bought by the painful suffering and death of an innocent man (Who was mysteriously also God but put aside his "Godness") and who knew you couldn't do this on your own." All other faiths make you work for it and you will always come up short. The problem with Christians today (and really throughout history) is when we forget our hopelessness and try to emulate the effort of other religions. That is why the following poem is so meaningful to me. My prayer is that it touches you as much as it did me the first time I read it (in the bathroom of my dear friend, Martha).

Here it is:
When I say, "I am a Christian,"I'm not shouting, "I am saved."
"I'm whispering, "I was lost"That is why I chose this way.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble -needing God to be my guide.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"I don't think I know it all.
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are all too visible but God believes I'm worth it.

When I say, “I am a Christian,” I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches which is why I seek His name.

When I say, “I am a Christian,” I do not wish to judge
I have no authority, I only know I’m loved.

(By Carol S. Wimmer Copyright 1988)

He knows me exactly as I am and loves me just the same. That is why I'm a Christian.

Who Am I?

The past week has been full of activity and life with a house full of children (both ours and their friends). It was wonderful to have Hannah come home the Friday before Thanksgiving and she was very helpful. We tackled painting Mom and Dad's bathroom because it had only been primered before we needed to use it. Now it's finally ready to have the medicine cabinet installed and then it will be complete. We have all been enjoying both bathrooms and just in time (I can't imagine what Thanksgiving would have been like with only one :0). I picked Bekah up in Tacoma on Tuesday night and it was so good to have time to get caught up with her
(and Hannah.) Thanksgiving we spent with John and his family who braved the snowy pass to join us. It was so good to have them here - Mom and Dad especially appreciated seeing them. The girls both went back to school on Sunday and life has quieted down considerably.

Maybe too much...yesterday was a tough one for all of us. I was fighting depression and put a plea out for prayer as I took the dogs out for a walk. Mom had a dental appointment and was doing so well that I took them to the senior center to check it out. Afterward we went for a drive to enjoy the sunshine and a change of scenery. Mom was so upbeat that it caught me by surprise when she woke from a nap in her chair and insisted that she had to go to bed. Right then. At 4pm. She couldn't make it to stay up for Gisela (my mother-in-law)'s birthday dinner. Dad joined us for dinner and then went in to be with Mom and it was a pretty emotional evening for them from then on. Lots of tears and sadness over Mom's state of health.

The reality is that she's really slipping and I'm never quite sure which Mom I'm going to encounter when I go in to take care of her. I like it when the cheerful Mom shows up but more often than not, the confused, irritable Mom is the face that I see. I'm learning to distance myself from her emotionally and to not let her moods drag me in. Poor Dad can't do that as well and I see now why he chooses not to hear her sometimes. I'm never quite sure if he hears even half of what she says while they're in bed because he doesn't have his hearing aids in. The other morning he made the "crazy" sign and that was the first time he'd indicated to me that he knew she was talking nonsense. For instance, one morning as I was giving her medication I asked how she had slept and here's what she said:
Mom: "pretty good until the little girls came" Me: "you mean our girls?"
"no, the little girls we were supposed to take care of before they're adopted." To which I replied:
"here's the good news, Mom, that was a dream and you don't have any little girls to take care of." She then turned to Dad and said, "did you hear that, Bob? We don't have to get up and take care of those little girls!" He just smiled and nodded and I doubt he had any idea what we were talking about.

This morning was a bit more concerning...she couldn't come up with my name. I'm used to her not knowing where she's living so I asked her if she remembered where she was. Dad told me that she thought she was in a hospital and was asking for the nurse. I told her she was living with me and that's when I found out she didn't know my name. She kept telling me..."now don't tell me; Hannah, Bekah, ....I just can't remember!" Finally with a few hints and reminding her my name started with an H and was her favorite childhood story she finally came up with it. Just a little disconcerting.

So I made an appointment to talk with her cardiologist next week. I need to know what to expect and how to help her as she continues to fail. I've come to believe that her memory loss is more from lack of oxygen than a symptom of Parkinsons so one option I'm going to explore is getting her a tank to use at night. We'll see what the doctor has to say. In the meantime, I just try to find the humor and continue to remind her that she's safe and loved with me. And she is.

Gratitude

I've come to believe that our perspective/ attitude/outlook is what makes all the difference in our lives. I do believe we have a choice and that we are given countless opportunities every day. Some days I find it hard to be positive but I've discovered a couple practices that enable me to get back on track. First and foremost is time with God as I read His love letters to us - the Bible and then spend time in reflection and prayer. I used to read the Bible out of duty and without joy but now I experience the love of God being poured over me. A close second is the walks I take with the dogs in the woods where I get to marvel at the beauty of trees and watch Penny frolic with abandon. Everything falls back into place as I let random songs on my Ipod take me through all kinds of emotions: joy, sadness, grief, anger (even sheer delight as I rock out to Kool and the Gang :0).

So this season of Thanksgiving I want to acknowledge a few things I'm thankful for:
1. For the healing that takes place in my life and our marriage as I give control over to God.
2. For the opportunity to be stretched and grown as I care for Mom and Dad (and all the other blessings that come from having them in our home).
3. For happy, healthy, well balanced (but definitely not perfect) children.
4. For two new, clean and functioning bathrooms:0)
5. For good friends that I can share both joys and sorrows with (and that can share their's as well)
6. For the opportunity, every day, to give thanks for the abundance that I enjoy simply because I'm a US citizen.

May you find many things, both large and small, to give thanks for every day. Today, I'm especially grateful for hot coffee after a chilly walk in the woods.

Withdrawing

Mom's withdrawing from life. She wants to do less and less. She hardly got dressed at all last week and yesterday I gave up on trying to get her to church. I don't think she wants to go anymore and I doubt it would be meaningful to her at this point. So I'm going to need to find someone to stay with her so that Dad and I can still go. Her solution is for us to leave her at home, alone. I told her that was not going to happen and she said "don't you trust God to take care of me?" I do and I still want someone with her!

I wonder what is best for her at this point? I'd like to make an appointment with her cardiologist and just talk openly about what to expect for her. She doesn't want to exercise, move around, get out of the house and mostly she just wants to sleep. When she does move around she breathes so heavy that I'm afraid she's going to have a heart attack. And that's a very real possibility.

I was talking with a friend last night who had just sat with her mother-in-law while she passed from this life to the next. She said the end was not pretty and that singing and praying is what got her through (and this from a nurse who's seen close to a hundred deaths). This is another part of the journey that I have to surrender to God. I believe He will give me the grace to be what they need in the moment of death. It will be a privilege and I'm grateful for what I'm learning as we continue down this path together. I cannot worry about what that will look like - those kinds of speculations are futile and take away from the present. Fear and worry are two companions I'm learning to part ways with: gratitude and joy are so much more pleasant and since I do have a choice - I choose the latter! With gratitude and with joy I head into another day of unknowns but full of the knowledge that I have a Saviour who journeys with me and gives me strength!

Gail's Visit

The weekend of November 6th was Mom's 86th birthday and so Gail came to be with us to celebrate. And to give me a break. I took off with Ben on Friday afternoon to go and visit the girls in Oregon. We made it to George Fox in time to join Bekah at a jazz concert. Her "special friend" Leif, was playing drums during it and we ended up sitting right in front of his parents. Their relationship is sweet and I'm glad they're taking it slow. Bekah is doing so well at George Fox and seems to just glow with happiness every time I see her: such a confirmation that this is the right place for her. The next day we took Bekah to Linfield and picked up both Hannah and cousin Aaron for lunch and a trip to the Air / Space Museum. I just reveled in being with all the kids and enjoying their company. Bekah, Aaron and I watched the Imax film "The Dream is Alive" which is all about the space shuttle program. I have seen pictures of earth from space before but this was really something. Watching countries pass under the shuttle (they could circle the globe in 90 minutes) was spectacular and I found myself worshipping God throughout most of the 40 minute movie. I was moved to tears a couple of times thinking about all 7 billion people on our planet and how much God loves each one of us. Even though my limited mind cannot comprehend how He knows and cares intimately about all of us, I believe that He does.

Returning to Seattle on Sunday morning, we made it in time to join Hallack in worship and then it was home for Mom's birthday dinner with 13 of us. I know she really enjoyed it all and it was so special that all of her children (except Greg who was at work) were with her. The next day, Gail didn't have to leave until 4:30 so we had time to hang out and get caught up a bit. It was a wonderful extended weekend and I enjoyed it all. At the same time, I was ready to get back into our routine.

However, on Tuesday, the guys from Home Expressions came to start work on our bathroom and that has consumed much of my spare time and threw the routine right out the window! It was hard for Mom to have Jeff and Travis in and out all of the time - especially since we were down to one bathroom and all of us had to share it. I'm delighted to be able to say that the second bathroom is done (with a few trim things for me to catch up on) and just in time for the girls to be home.

I planted a whole bunch of bulbs on Wednesday and all the while I kept thinking - will Mom be around or aware enough to see them when they shoot forth next Spring? Will Dad? I have their angel sitting on a rock right outside the window and I planted the bulbs all around her. It should be a glorious sight come March and April and I'm hopeful that they'll be able to enjoy it. Once again I'm struck by the gift that this time is - the "living one day at a time" aspect of it. I have no choice but to rest in today.

Mom's Fetish

Mom has a Kleenex fetish. I know I have to have a box within reach everywhere we go so I have one in the car, by her bed, in the bathroom and their living room. It's the first thing she reaches for when she gets up and heaven help us if she doesn't have a pocket to put them in. So you'd think that I'd remember to take them out of her pockets when I do the laundry! Nope. I even posted a note on the washing machine that says "check for Kleenex!" but I still forget. Then when I take out a load to put in the dryer - what a mess. I usually have to shake out the clothes and run the vacuum to clean up the floor as well as the machine. Last night I thought I'd remembered it all but then found 5 or 6 napkins that must have been in Dad's pockets :0). Someday I'll probably long for the surprise of tiny bits of shredded paper spilling all over the floor. Right now it makes me laugh, sigh or groan but the lack of it will someday make me cry. So I'm cherishing this funny quirk and letting it be part of my stretching experience - most days that is!

Visitors, Adventures and a Week of Appointments

Last week my husband gave me a wonderful idea - to look up some old friends from their beloved church, Grace. I had heard them talk about David and Valley Head for years and had been meaning to call them and finally did so when Dad seemed like he could really use a friend. Am I ever glad that I did! They came last Friday and it was such a delightful visit. I loved hearing them reminisce and seeing Mom perk up (as well as Dad). It was fun to play hostess and Hallack made some really tasty blueberry scones. Since they now know where Mom and Dad are (it turns out they'd been trying to locate them for over a year) I'm sure that we'll have more visits from them and other members of their small group.

Then on Saturday, Greg and John came to visit. I know how much it means to them to have their children visit - so they perked up that day as well. This is what I really hoped would happen when they moved in with us - life. Regular visits from friends and family and the sense that they belong in the middle of things - not parked away in a gilded cage.

On Sunday we were able to make it to church and left from their to head up to Adie's house. We stopped to pick up Subway's $5 footlongs so that we could all make the drive and it was so pleasant (albeit rainy!) The folks hung out with Adie while I worked in her garden (a long overdue birthday promise) and it was nice for me to have that change of pace and for them to see Adie's sweet cottage and be able to visit with her. The drive home was uneventful and we were all ready for a good night's sleep.

This week has been less visits and fun adventures and full of tasks and appointments. We went in for Mom to have a banding procedure on her hemorrhoids - not her idea of Halloween fun but it was fairly frightening! I discovered that she needs to have more fiber in her diet so off to the store I went for Benefiber and Tucks medicated pads. Yesterday we had a follow up appointment to check on her coumadin as well as give a urine specimen for both Mom and Dad to make sure their bladder infections are gone. Having to urinate on demand is very stressful for Mom and yet I battled her to drink enough water because she's always afraid that she'll have to go unexpectedly. I can't seem to convince her that the Depends are dependable! While sitting in the doctor's office she said to me "I'm so tired of all this," and I know how hard this is for her. Today we have a mammogram and bone density appointment and I'm not thrilled about having to put her through these latest torturous tests. I know that I need to take care of her health and it had been a long time since she'd had a mammogram but...well NOBODY enjoys that test and really...is it absolutely necessary? I find myself weighing how important all these procedures are and the benefit of doing them. It was so freeing to tell the eye doctor that I wasn't going to bring her back after her near panic attack. I wonder about all the tests that their primary care physician orders so blithely (and the toll it takes on our medicare system as well as my parents mental state). This is where I wish I had a glimpse into the future and could see how much longer she has and then I come back to reality and know that I don't want to know that! I want to take each day as a gift and celebrate the life we have today. So...I guess we'll go to the appointment and then we'll find a way to enjoy life as well. I think we'll stop at the coffee shop housed in a church that we pass every time we go to an appointment. That will give us all something to look forward to!

Bathrooms

We have a new bathroom with a 5'6" roll in tile shower and new fixtures. Yesterday I ordered the final piece - a classy medicine cabinet. It's a beautiful room and one we've needed to remodel for 14 years! As I think back on the old room, I can hardly believe the difference and am grateful that we didn't remodel until now for we would never have thought to make it ADA accessible. Hannah says she's going to live in it when she comes home for Thanksgiving and I smile to think how much the girls will enjoy it. Ben and Hallack both use it but I have to confess that for me it is not exactly a sanctuary but rather a place of work(or maybe place of ministry is a better way to look at it.) I clean it quite frequently and now realize why their bathroom at Aegis never looked or smelled very clean. I used to think that they weren't cleaning it but now I know that it needs to be done daily or at least every other day. I'm so grateful for this spacious, easy to clean facility that works so nicely for Mom and Dad (or it really will when I get the mounted shower bar - Dad apparently pulled the curtain down again last night!) It's just not the place that I want to escape to.

So I'm delighted to say that next Monday the guys are coming back to get started on our other bathroom (which has also needed remodeling for 14 years!) Travis doesn't think this will take more than a week and I'm so excited about it. I'm not looking forward to all the work this will add to my schedule (emptying the bathroom, painting/trim work, finding places for all our stuff) or the challenge it will be to share the one bathroom (I told Mom yesterday that we're going to bring in the second commode in case there's a line up and she can't wait :0). When it is done, though, it really will be a sanctuary for me (and whomever else wants to use it.) Now if we can just make it through the week or so of remodeling, it really will be done in time for the girls' Thanksgiving homecoming. I'm grateful for a holiday dedicated to giving thanks as well as anticipating a house full of joy...and another new bathroom.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

It's already Sunday morning and I can't believe another week has flown by. I got a phone call yesterday from a friend who took care of her Mom until she died and it was so good to hear from her. She said she just wanted to check in with me to see how we're all doing and we had a talk about this very issue of time. Her Mom (and Dad) were with her every winter for four years (they snowbird in Texas) and during the Alaskan summers they lived close enough that she could check in on them every day. Her words were that it did seem long at the time but looking back she knows that it flew by: just like the years with infants, preschoolers, gradeschoolers and teenagers.... I'm very aware of how similar this is to the years with my children and I have the same sense now as I did when the kids were little - that I only get one chance to do this right.

The big difference here is that with children you know they're going to grow and get more independent and then you have the joy of adult children who've become friends. And the progression is steady, predictable and (mostly) delightful. With Mom and Dad....well, we're going the opposite direction and I have no idea how the timing will work out. And the end result will break my heart (even as I rejoice for them in the new life they'll be born into.)

I hung up their name plate from Bonaventure on their bedroom door yesterday and had a brief flash of how painful it might be to take it down when this is all over. I know I'm setting myself up for more grief when they die because of all the memories we're making right now. The good, the bad and the ugly. Even as I write this I wrestle with my desire to shape the things to come and the truth that I have no control over this unfolding story. None. And it drives me back to my knees and to the God that gives grace to every situation and Who holds all things in His Loving Hands. Even the tough stuff - especially the tough stuff. Again I'm amazed at what a gift this time is and how it is shaping me, healing me and stretching me. This is what gives me the strength to take each day as it comes...the good, the bad and the ugly.

It's Not About Safe

Mom had a fall in the bathroom early Monday morning. I was sound asleep and so was Dad but thankfully Hallack heard it. She decided to rush off without her walker in order to make it on time and then fell while heading to the sink. The concern for making it on time is very much in the forefront of her thoughts even though she's usually already urinated (thank God for Depends!) I can't seem to ease her mind that she's well protected. We had a doctor's appointment that day so, after checking her out, I put her back in bed. There were no broken bones or even much soreness - thank You Father!

Since Dad has fallen out of bed a couple of times (including just this morning) I've been tempted to think that they're not safe enough with me. On Tuesday morning God gave me the great gift of Staci showing up on her way to work. Coffee in hand and prayer on her mind she joined me (in my pjs) and we had 20 wonderful minutes of sharing and praying together. When I told her my concerns about this not being safe enough, her words from the Lord to me were this "it's not about safe." She went on to say that of course they'd be more safe in nursing home but they wouldn't have life. They are more safe with me than they were at Aegis so the only other alternative is skilled nursing. Where they couldn't sleep in their own bed and would be at the mercy of caregivers that are strangers - not their daughter who loves them and wants them to end well. What a helpful reminder that even though they are "under my thumb ":0), at least it's my thumb and not a poorly paid hourly worker who probably wouldn't understand why Mom can be so self-absorbed. Someone who probably isn't interested in learning patience and sweetness of spirit and getting lots of practice with her! Someone who doesn't know her love of God and could pray with her when she gets scared or angry or depressed. I have the privilege of attempting to be that person for her and to smooth the rough edges so that Dad can still be with her. And so they can still snuggle in bed together. Which they like to do in the mornings and I encourage. And I get time to reflect and write and pray before we're off and running with another day. I hear Dad so it's time for breakfast. I'm off and running (well more like walking :0)

Dad's turn in ER

With trying to finish the background story, I've gotten a bit behind on the latest happenings. Last Monday we had a nice trip to Enumclaw to see Mark and have a birthday lunch with him. Mom had a tough time the last 1/2 hour of the drive because she had to go to the bathroom (although she didn't tell me that, she just said she was uncomfortable.) Dad, however, said he enjoyed every minute of the trip. We had a nice lunch in Auburn and a quiet, peaceful drive home.

On Wednesday we had another adventure in the ER. This time it was because Dad had blood in his urine and was in pain. When we got there he told the admitting nurse that he'd noticed it in the morning but didn't tell me until 6pm. I don't know how to convince him that telling me things sooner rather than later is better for ALL of us. He's now on his 5th day of antibiotics for his bladder infection. I told them this wouldn't look good on my resume and that I was going to become a water nazi. I've been at them to drink more water every hour or so and it seems to be helping.

We invited Heidi and Gisela to join us on a trip to a craft bazaar at Hallack's new church (on Friday) and I thought they were enjoying it. Besides looking at all the beautiful displays, they got to sit together and eat cookies while drinking hot apple cider. The next day, however, Mom was really agitated and upset and didn't know what she didn't know. She was feeling very sorry for herself and talked about having a hard time following what Heidi and Gisela were saying. Since Heidi and I were the ones doing most of the talking, what she was really saying is that she couldn't follow our conversation but I don't think she's comfortable criticizing me. Or she just didn't remember who had been talking! I acknowledged how hard it must be to not keep up like she used to. In essence she was just feeling sorry for herself. Saturday was mostly spent sleeping and in fact, she never even got dressed for the day. At 6:30 she toddled off to bed and Dad joined her not too much later. They seemed to have a good night's sleep but she woke up really out of it. I wasn't sure we'd make it to church but at 9am was able to get both parents up and while Dad showered I made them breakfast. I left them sipping smoothies while I picked up Ben from a sleepover. When we got back, Mom was really upset because Dad had knocked over his smoothie. He told me how sorry he was and I was able to tell both of them that it didn't matter one little bit. And it didn't. But Mom couldn't let go of her anger so I said to her, "I'm the one who's going to clean it up so why do you care? I've learned to not cry over things that can't cry over me." She was still agitated so I told her the story of that little piece of wisdom: when our good friends the Campbells came back from a vacation and found their whole house had flooded from broken pipes - that is what Sharon said. I've never forgotten how that crisis was handled without blaming, without self-pity, without anger but with a deep peace that this too was in God's Hands and something they could accept.

After getting Mom showered and dressed for church, she had an "accident" and I was able to treat it in the same way that I treated the smoothie incident. After getting her cleaned up and headed out to the car (we were already going to be late) she had another "accident." Dad and Ben were already in the van so I told them to come back in the house since we weren't going to make it. I was disappointed to not get to go to church and was honest with Mom about that but reiterated that this was not her fault and not something to cry over.

I know this is hard for our parents to do because I remember how these kinds of situations were treated in our family. I fought hard against not treating my kids like they'd committed a crime when an "accident" happened. I wish I could say that I succeeded every time but I confess that sometimes I reacted like my parents did. When I did I usually apologized to the kids and told them that it wasn't their "fault." I can't even begin to say how healing it is to treat my parents differently than they treated me. It somehow feels like coming full circle - first attempting to parent in a healthy way and then to parent my parents in a new healthy way. Another gift from this time of caring for them. As I think about this, I wonder if that is how we are blessed as we "honor our father and mother?"

Lest you think that I'm always gracious, always completely loving, always giving...well it's simply not true. I have times when it all threatens to overwhelm me and Mom's attitude appalls me. I get frustrated with Dad when he tells Mom that she cannot leave him - that he has to die first. I'm sometimes grossed out by the personal care and tempted to go down the path of "and it could get so much worse..." I have days when little things can set me off (yesterday I dropped Mom's pill container and pills went all over the floor and I sheepishly admit that the "s" word that rhymes with admit came flying out...and then I found the humor.) Sometimes I hope that this time will not last forever and the end will come sooner rather than later (and then I worry that I'll have guilt when they do die because I've actually wanted them to.) Yet the gift of this time, is time. Time to reflect, time to see the grace in little moments, time to love unselfishly when I don't feel like it, and time to trust that God is in control and I only have this day to live in His grace. And time to give myself grace when I have a crappy and self-centered attitude. So many gifts, so much unknown and so much peace when I give it all over to the Author of Time.

And now it's time to end this post, get dressed for the day and finish painting their bathroom door!

Where Does Her Mind Go?

I just finished checking on Mom this morning and she was really out of it. I think she knew who I was but everything else was up for grabs. Sometimes her delusions are funny or sweet like the time a couple of days ago when she was so worried for Dad. I asked her how her night had gone and she said it was "really shocking." When I asked her what was shocking she turned to Dad and said, "do you want to tell her or should I?" Since Dad was asleep I asked her to just tell me and with really big eyes she said "he was supposed to marry her and she broke off with him and married someone else." I thought it was kind of sweet that she was so worried about Dad's broken heart and wondered if that had really happened to him. Later on, when she was back in reality, I asked her if that had happened with Dad and she thought maybe it had - a long, long time ago. On another occasion she asked me if I'd seen what she'd been doing - cleaning the house (wouldn't that be nice? :0) After I gave her pills to her I said she better go back to sleep after all that work!

This morning, however, she was really frightened and nothing seemed right to her. She asked why did she have to be in this little place that was so hot? There were concerns about not getting enough to eat "they only feed me little sticks, I'm not kidding." Which I think might be a reference to the snack of pretzels I gave her the night before. You see, she'd had a rough day yesterday and just wanted to stay in bed all day. There were lots of tears and feeling sorry for herself so I spent time praying with her and encouraging her to count her blessings. Right now the glass is less than half empty and, while I don't want her to dwell in her misery, I do get that life is so out of control for her. She sometimes says " I just want to die" and I walk a fine line of encouraging her to live each day to the fullest and also let go and know that death is not this terrible thing but only birth to her next life. Does she believe that? This also taps into my fears (nothing like seeing your once all-knowing Mother shaking with fear) and I find myself going back to my faith, time and time again.

I did finally get her up for awhile and she usually rallies then and has a pretty good evening. Yesterday was a different story and after giving her a really late lunch I was trying to give her a snack so that we could have dinner together - that's the reason for the pretzels. She couldn't make it and went back to bed before we had dinner. Now I know that I should've gotten her up and fed her dinner anyway. Dad joined her about 7:30 because he knows how much she likes to have him with her (at one point this morning she said, "I just want Dad with me, holding my hand.") And I think he was also really tired. I checked on them before I went to bed, gave them all their nighttime meds and they seemed to be in good spirits. I sometimes wonder if that much time in bed is what gives her the really vivid delusions. She had really wet her depends and even the bed and that makes her really disturbed (who could blame her?) So after getting her up, changing her, putting down a towel and feeding her a banana she snuggled back into bed. I just went back and checked on her and she was much better. She said to me - "this place is so much better than that other place!" And so I wonder, "where did her mind go?" and why is it so scary?!

Parenting our Parents cont'd

I realized that I never finished my account of February 22nd - how we got to the place that we're at. I'm going to attempt to finish that account of this ongoing story. If for no other reason than to remind myself how God has led me through this process.

Be forewarned that this one is REALLY long!

The weekend I went to see Mom settled into rehab was traumatic for me. Seeing them sitting together and the fear in Mom's eyes when we had to leave her at night was excruciating. She claimed that she was being abused and shoved onto her bed and while I only saw kindness and caring from the staff....well, we weren't with her 24/7 so I couldn't be sure. Then there was the issue of Dad being left in the apartment alone - that was not working so we needed to move him into assisted living at Bonaventure (my brother calls it Bon Voyage). I became convinced that if we left Mom at that rehab facility she was going to die there; and my brother John agreed with me. What to do next was the big question?

On Monday I had it all arranged to get Dad moved into a one bedroom assisted living unit at Bonaventure. My big, strong nephews had the day off and they were planning to come help me move a couple pieces of big furniture - just enough for Dad to get by on. I spent the morning moving his clothes, toiletries and a few kitchen essentials. I was on my way to rehab so that Dad could sit with Mom while the boys were helping me and something very unexpected happened - my van just stopped working. I pulled over to the side of the road all the while watching my neat little plan unraveling. I called John and he came to get Dad to take him to Mom and I found a towing company that could get someone to me in 30 minutes. When I got to the Honda dealership it turned out the part was not too difficult, they had time and they could get it done by 5pm. So John met me at the dealership and graciously let me take his big diesel truck so I could get Dad and go back to moving him (all the while trying to get his work done - once again I want to thank John and especially his wife Alex for all the ways they cared for our parents in the midst of very busy schedules and demanding jobs.!)

After getting my van back, Dad and I headed to Bonaventure and began tackling moving his TV so that he'd have something to watch. One of the caregivers there, Tammy, just "happened" to be there during the morning and she'd already helped me to move his bed. A side note about Tammy is that we'd made connections on earlier visits and found out we have a mutual love for Jesus and "healing rooms." In case you don't know about them, they are wonderful places to go for prayer and healing of all sorts and they're springing up all over. Tammy had become a friend and advocate for our parents and prayed for them regularly so I wasn't surprised (too much) when she "happened" to be there just when I needed her.

So that evening we got a cart and started to move a few of the bigger items. Since Dad was having trouble walking, I convinced him to sit on the dolly and hold his big flat screen TV while I rolled him down the hall. I have to admit that it looked ridiculous so when one of the caregivers saw us and started cracking up - we just had to join in. Then, like an answer to prayer, all of the sudden John showed up and we were able to move the love seat and dining room table and Dad was set. But by now it was too late for me to head back to Seattle so off to John's house I went to spend the night - exhausted and wondering "why I was still in Wenatchee?" I don't believe anything happens by accident so I began praying and asking for wisdom on what to do next. I hardly slept that night and at 4:30 called my sister Gail who was in Chicago (or one of the many other places she frequents for work) and talked over all my concerns with her. A major concern was that Dad was not doing well with Mom gone and would go looking for her in the night. They are so used to each other always being there .... it's almost like losing your limbs - half of you. I got up and went back to Bonaventure to their old two bedroom unit to shower and get ready for the day. At 5:30 am I called my two dear friends/prayer buddies (who were meeting at our regular Tuesday morning Starbucks prayer time in Lake Forest Park). I needed their prayer/wisdom/support and the minute I heard their sweet voices I began to cry. Immediately they began to speak the word of the Lord to me - I knew it was because it ministered deep into my soul and provided a light in what seemed a dark tunnel. They told me that I was looking for a short term solution when I needed a long term one. They also said that I needed to tell my parents that I love them and want them with me. This was true (as a family we had already decided that we needed to move them to Seattle to be centrally located but were trying to find the right time and way to break the news). After listening to them and being prayed for, I was in a whole new space. Now with a light heart and easier steps I made my plans for the day - to get Dad back with Mom and talk things over with them. I did so with the confidence that this is what God wanted me to do. Mom was so relieved and even Dad accepted this (although you should've seen his eyes when we told him what we were thinking. Change can be difficult at any age but especially hard when you're 91!) I think he realized how Mom was giving up and he was willing to do anything to get her back to a place of hope and interest in life.

So I headed back that day to Seattle and dove into finding just the right rehab for Mom. After asking around and visiting several places I settled on Manor Care in Lynnwood which was a pendulum swing in the right direction from where she was in Wenatchee. We started the process of getting her transferred (thanks to lots of help from John) and here's where the details start to get fuzzy. At some point I headed back to Wenatchee to help get the final pieces of their lives at Bonaventure moved out. Before I got there, the big two bedroom had been emptied and cleared out and a storage unit had been rented (by brother Greg). I think that I didn't get there until Sunday afternoon but prior to that, Mark, Gail, Greg, John and his family and Adrienne had been working all weekend on cleaning the house out, the apartment and taking things to storage. Really...I don't know how we would've done it without everyone doing their part.

Here is where I need to interject one of the biggest blessings during this year of upheaval and that is how it has brought all of us siblings together. Even more than when our brother Neal died (and that bonded us as well) but this time we have all seen that our love for our parents and each other has been a life saver and a deep joy. I KNOW this is not always (or possibly even usually) the case. Many families fall apart in times of crisis and take out their stress, grief and pain on each other. We are not that close (in proximity or emotionally) and have differing views on politics and religion but our love for each other and our parents supersedes all that. Hmmmm, perhaps there is a wider application to our experience. Could it be that love, or lack thereof, is truly the crisis our nation is facing? Or even our world? But I digress....whatever the lesson to be learned, I am extremely grateful for the ways that each of us has been able to rise above our woundedness and differences and let love motivate our actions. Here's to you, dear brothers and sisters....you are truly the best part of my childhood and I can't imagine life without any one of you.

The next phase of this journey was to actually get Mom and Dad to Seattle. Gail drove them in our van and has her own story to tell of stopping to go to the bathroom. I went ahead of her in our little car (oh, yeah which Greg had to fix up for us since it was missing a brake light and Gail got pulled over in it. I almost forgot that piece!) Somehow I missed her call that they needed to stop so she had to do it without me (and Mom was using a wheelchair at that point:0) John followed us with his truck full of bed, TV and other essentials so that we could set Dad up in our house. We got Mom to rehab and settled her in and then took Dad back to our house where John had already set up his room.

After John and Gail went back to their homes, we settled into a routine where Dad would spend days with Mom at Manor Care and I would work and then go get him in the evening. It was a wonderful godsend that Adie could come down some days and her son, Will, also pitched in with the transportation and visiting. Sometime during the three weeks that Mom was at Manor Care, our daughter Hannah had a week off from college. She'd asked, much earlier, if her friend Claire could stay with us that week since home for her was Hawaii and too far to go. We, of course, said yes not having any idea what that her bedroom would be Grandpa's and they'd have to bunk in the basement :0). They were great sports and ended up helping quite a bit with cooking and transportation of Dad.

During this time I was really wrestling with wanting to move them in with me when Mom was finished with rehab. The rest of the family thought I was crazy (and I did too, sometimes) but the main thing that stopped me was lack of restroom facilities to accommodate Mom. That and the craziness of my job. So I resigned myself to the choice that Gail and I had found when she came to help with the move. We had decided on Aegis - an upscale retirement home with assisted living that was 1.7 miles from my house. The weeks in rehab were filled with physical therapy and visits from family and while she was making some progress, there were always scenes of Dad not wanting to leave her and her desire to spend most of her time in bed. She also claimed that they were abusing her but begged me not to say anything because then they would take it out on her. The one she was most afraid of was Lisa her physical therapist. I knew this to be delusional because I observed Lisa with her and she was the one who diagnosed Mom's Parkinsons. She pushed Mom but always with love and cheerfulness. On the last day she told Mom that she'd been influenced by her to pray and even go back to church. That goodbye scene made me cry as I thought about how afraid Mom had been in that place and yet God was still able to draw others to Himself through her.

After 3 weeks at Manor Care, Mom seemed to stop progressing and was withdrawing again. Being separated from Dad was taking a toll and she still believed she was being abused. One Sunday afternoon we found her sitting in her wheelchair, parked next to the nurses station. Her eyes were as big as saucers and she looked terrified. We took her back to her room and she started to cry. She didn't want to make waves and she was miserable sitting there but too afraid to say anything. I realized then that they didn't know what was best for her and it was time to get Mom and Dad back together. I found out that rehab could be done at home so we started the process to get them moved into Aegis. Once again, it took a group effort from Greg, John, Gail and me to get them settled in. Good times have been had around packing and unpacking boxes and suitcases - getting smaller and more condensed with each successive move. Little did we know then, that in eight months we'd need to do it all over again.

So I now settled into a routine of checking in on them daily or at least several times a week. When they first moved in, Mom was in a wheelchair and needed help with almost everything but being back with Dad was great medicine (as well as the home health care) so it wasn't too long before she was walking again and needing help mainly to shower. The Evergreen Home Health program was wonderful and gave us many suggestions for ways to help both parents succeed. Mark became a vital part of their care as he partnered with me in finding supplies they needed, building platforms to lift up their chairs, taking them to appointments and coming once a week to spend time with them. Mark has become my co-parent and really don't know if I could do this without him. I'm quite sure I couldn't.

The past eight months have been a blur of visits and appointments. I joke that one appointment always leads to three more and this has been true with visits to the dentist, optometrist, neurologists (they each have their own), cardiologist, dermatologist and primary care physician. We've discovered a backlog of health issues and have been working through them as they come up. One major issue for Mom was a recurrence of skin cancer on her nose which had to be removed. Their primary care physician, Dr. Lee, noticed it and had us go to a dermatologist who then referred us to a specialist which resulted in minor surgery. I say minor but when they called me in to go over the post surgery care (and before they bandaged her up) I almost gasped. The stitches ran from between her eyes, down her nose and then followed the line in her face to the corner of her mouth. It's healed up really nicely but it sure shocked me when I first saw it. None of us expected it to be that extensive so it really threw her for a loop. I spent the first night with them at Aegis to make sure she didn't get behind on her pain medication and that was when I discovered how goofed up she was on her sleeping patterns. At 3:30 in the morning she was wide awake, looking for a snack and talking a mile a minute. Poor Dad was following her around and trying to find candy bars (she has a terrible sugar jones but so do I so I must come by it honestly:0) so I sent him back to bed and got her a healthy snack. Finally I understand his exhaustion and why she wants to sleep during the day.

(As I'm typing this, I'm listening to the monitor and hearing her talking to him - she's awake and has been for the past 3 hours. It started with a fall in the bathroom and I've been monitoring her since. I'm not sure if this is typical - Dad wouldn't complain, but once again I get why he's been so tired of late.)

The sleepover helped me to see that they were coming to the end of their time at Aegis. Mom had begun withdrawing again and Dad had told Mark that he "hated it there." For my part, I hated the sense that they were "parked" there. One day while passing through the lobby, they saw someone being taken away in an ambulance. Dad remarked, out loud, "that's how we're all going to leave here." At first Adrienne was appalled but we laughed about it later.

The final realization that I was called to care for them in our home came through a series of circumstances outside of what was going on with them. First of all, there was the sense that I was finished with my call at Lake Forest Park Presbyterian. I knew that it was time to move on from there but wasn't sure what was next. I was actively seeking what God had for me next but didn't know what, where or when. Secondly, I was realizing that with Hallack's new position as interim pastor at North Creek Presbyterian, he was going to be much less able to pick up the slack at home. He would have longer hours, more responsibility and be further from home. I knew that it would be important for me to be around more for Ben (especially since Bekah would be headed off to college in the fall.) The final piece of the call fell into place the week that Bekah was trying to make her decision on which school to attend. Her first and best choice had been George Fox but the financial aid there was quite a bit less than the other schools so we'd ruled it out. She really agonized over the rest of her choices and I finally said to her, "Bekah, if money weren't the issue, where would you go?" and without a moment's hesitation she said, "George Fox." All along we'd felt that it was the right place for her but the lesser aid was an issue. I have been working hard at not letting money be the final determining factor on anything and putting my trust in God instead but paying for college is a big challenge. A faith stretcher. In the moment that she said "George Fox" it all came together for me. In my mind I saw all the tumblers from a combination fall into place (just like what happens when unlockng a big safe) and I knew what I was being called to do - move our parents into our home. That revelation came the last week in April and now, five months later, it's a reality. Oh, it took a lot to get here: untangling myself from my position at Lake Forest Park, remodeling a bathroom, cleaning out space to incorporate their household into ours, shuttling two girls off to college as well as transforming Hannah's room into one for Mom and Dad . I'm still finishing up trim work and have more painting to do but every week we get a little more settled in. Who knows how long this will be? Only God does and wisely has not given me roadmap but just enough light to take it "one day at a time."

I've marveled at all that has gone on these past 10 months and am truly grateful for this opportunity to be stretched in uncomfortable ways. I try to remind myself, when it seems a bit too much, that diamonds are formed under great pressure and nothing worth doing is ever easy. That helps a bit but what helps the most is knowing that I'm learning to "honor thy father and mother, that it may go well with thee and thou mayest live long on the earth." I learned that commandment so many years ago in catechism but am now learning how to live it each day.

A Trip Out and Going to Church

It has been a good couple of days (with a few setbacks) beginning with a visit to a big nursery in Woodinville. I ordered the newspaper for Dad and in it was a coupon for 40% off on one item at Molbacks (a really nice nursery). So on Thursday, I called my sister-in-law and she brought her mom (who has alzheimers) over, so that we could go together. It was a nice fall day and perfect for a little drive and adventure. I purchased a plant for our yard to commemorate their move in and we had fun walking around and looking at all the incredible plants and holiday displays - both Halloween and Christmas. Mom complained quite a bit and kept wanting to sit down so we found the cafe that sits in the middle of a beautiful garden. It was lovely and peaceful so we just enjoyed a tasty treat and sat and visited. That night Dad was so appreciative and thanked me for a really fun day. I know how much he needs to get out and that has become my motivator to push through mom's objections. In the end, she enjoyed it as well.

Yesterday we actually made it to church and even though it took quite a bit of pushing and cajoling and motivational speaking - we got there. Again, they both enjoyed it and were so glad that they went. At one point I said to mom, "look, I really need this and so do you so we're going to go." She couldn't argue with that!

In between those two great outings we had a couple of challenges. Dad fell down on Friday night right before he went to bed. And he didn't tell me about it until the next morning. He was stepping back from helping mom and lost his balance, landed hard on his butt and then hit his shoulder and head quite hard. I can't believe I didn't hear it and that he didn't let me know! I tried to emphasize how important it is for him to fill me in on these kinds of happenings when they actually happen. He told me that he did tell me, that I was right there and in fact, I was in bed with him. I told him, "no, I was not and not to tell other people that!" Another sign that he's not quite as sharp as I sometimes assume he is. He did not want me to take him to the ER and only wanted to take it easy for a couple of days. So I did and yet, in the middle of the night, I lie and worry if that was the best thing to do. I walk a fine line between caring for him and yet still letting him have some authority over his own life. What if he had bleeding in the brain? I watched him pretty carefully over the past 48 hours and he seems to be fine. He is a stubborn old coot. The other challenge came Saturday night while he was showering and he pulled down the shower curtain. Mom was standing in the doorway stressing out and the only thing to do was to go and help him - while he stood there stick stark naked. I just did my best to give him privacy by not looking and keeping the curtain between the two of us. The day of seeing him naked was bound to come and I think we both handled it pretty well. I never did find out why the shower curtain fell - he said he didn't fall, but I'm assuming he grabbed it or stepped on it and down it came. I plan to have a mounted rod put in (that has always been the plan) but now it seems that I need to do this sooner rather than later. Time to finish the work in their bathroom!

Each day is a gift and an opportunity for grace and growth - I'm so aware of that. I'm still grateful for this time in my life and the much slower pace that I'm living. As I keep my eyes on God and look to Him for strength and perspective I find many reasons to be grateful. As long as I don't try to figure out what's coming down around the river bend. I'm just enjoying it as it comes.

The Visit

Yesterday, mom's cousin came for lunch and a visit.  It was great to have their first visitor and it was so good for mom (almost three hours flew by and she wasn't wanting to go and lay back down....)  It reminds me how important stimulation is for both of them - even when she claims she doesn't want it. 

A few things were said, however, that made me cringe and I can't help but want to process them.  One of the first things she said was "how is it living under the thumb of your daughter?"  Yikes.  A little later, after finding out they'd only been here three weeks, she said "oh, you're still in the honeymoon stage - wait until they've been here two months!"  And as she was leaving and I was thanking her for coming, she said "I think I've done some good here."  Wow.

In between these gems were some good times of reminiscing and encouragement and open sharing about our lives.  What I have to remember is that when someone says things like this it's usually coming out of their own story (guilt, remorse, denial...) and since she put her mom in a nursing home she may be reacting to our situation from that place.  That's what I've found so amazing since I answered this call to care for mom and dad - how many people have tried to talk me out of it.  Complete strangers, good friends, caregivers at Aegis and distant relatives all seem to think that I don't really know what I'm getting into.  Of course I don't really know (even after 3 weeks) because things can change so rapidly but that's why I have to take it "one day at a time."  When I try to peer into the future and imagine what next year or even next week will look like I'm only asking for trouble.  Worry and fear often accompany forecasting and all of it is useless.  Today is all I have and it is enough.  This discipline (of living one day at a time) is hard work but may be the very best gift I'm being given.  Time to get them up and see what mischief we can get into.

The ER

Thursday brought about a new experience - spending time in the ER. I know my brother John had quite a few of these adventures and I'm appreciating his care of them these past few years with a deeper understanding! It started while taking Dad to the Sports Medicine clinic to try and get him some relief for his feet. He has extreme athritis in his left foot and says he can "hear the bones crunching." We came away with several options for topical pain relief and I'm delighted to say that the lidocain patch is effective (although we can't use it all the time). While at the clinic I noticed how desperately he needed a pedicure and so we went for that next. Mom was increasingly agitated during these appointments so after I fed them dinner I finally called the "on call" doctor who sent me to the ER. I was suspecting and it was confirmed that she had a urinary tract infection. UTI's can cause much confusion in the elderly and that's what clued me in. After a couple of painful procedures and an IV drip of antibiotic, they wrote us up a prescription and sent us all home. I filled her oral prescription the next morning and she seemed to be doing much better on Friday. Mark came to hang out with Mom and Dad while I took the evening off to go to dinner and a conference with a friend. So far so good.

Saturday she was pretty worn out so spent more time sleeping but nothing was too unusual. I had purchased an intercom system that day so Dad could page me when he needs me. That way I could be out in the yard working and know he wouldn't have to walk to get my attention. I also want him to be able to page me in the night. It was a good thing because he ended up using it on Sunday morning when Mom got delusional. She went to bed early (6:30!) and I worried that she might not sleep through the night. When she feels woozy there is nothing she wants to do other than lie down flat on her bed. So off to bed she went (although I did tell her she couldn't bother Dad if she woke up in the middle of the night :0).

She woke up convinced that two men were in the other room, talking about her. I tried to tell her that she must've been dreaming but she got really agitated at that and, with heavy disgust, told me to "just go back to bed and to sleep!" She looked at her water bottle and thought that someone was trying to poison her. She asked me to go talk to Mark in the next room (although he wasn't!). I did finally manage to calm her down and get her back to sleep but it made me wonder if the infection was not clearing up. After talking to another "on call" doctor I took her back to the ER. This time we spent over 5 hours while they ran almost every test imaginable. The final evaluation was by a mental health professional who offered inpatient psychiatric treatment as one of her options. I declined that one.

She was completely worn out again yesterday but when she finally did get up at 1:30, she was so much more like her old self. We had a nice evening together and they didn't go to bed until 10pm. I think that perhaps now she's getting over the effects of the infection (she seemed to be doing much better when I gave her meds this morning.)

The concern for me is that there always seems to be a crisis on Sunday morning that keeps me from taking them to church. Last week I got to go because Bekah was home but this week we all had to miss. I know how crucial it is for my overall health to be able to worship so I'm convinced that this is a spiritual attack. The first week when I made Mom go, she was so glad afterwards and in such good spirits. My prayer is going to be focused on Saturday night and Sunday morning so that we can all go to church. I want them to keep their focus on God and His loving care for them. That is the reason that I'm available to them and in order to keep us all in balance we need to keep our eyes on Him. I welcome all the prayers I can get for this challenge. "Our fight isn't against flesh and blood but against the principalities and powers of darkness." Eph 6:12 Thank you for your prayers.

Today

Today Dad is sleeping in and I think he's depressed. He looked at the stack of receipts for all the meds he's taking and then told me "it's so much money" (remind me to put that kind of stuff away!) and "I'm not worth it." No matter how much I say that he's "worth it", I can't make him believe it. He has spent his whole life being productive and just sitting around is not cutting it.

He wants to do something and I'm trying to figure out what that can be.

Our first foray into projects was a bit of a disaster. He was helping me put shelves together for the bathroom but instead of reading the directions he just started putting the screws in - without the locking washers. I would have let it go but they were wobbly and he even realized it so we had to go back and do them all over again. He's too "with it" to not realize that this made the project twice as long and it was a bit frustrating for me. I tried not to show it but I'm afraid he intuited it - or maybe he didn't and I'm just worrying about it. Then came the fiasco of putting the door handle on. I hadn't asked for his help but he stepped in anyway. He's no longer strong enough to put in screws by hand and when I got him the electric drill, he ended up stripping one of the screws and scratching the new handle.

So what I really need to do is find projects that he can succeed at without being patronizing. And not worry if something is not perfect (damn my perfectionism rearing it's ugly head). I was able to tell Dad that the scratches didn't matter - and say it with sincerity. I'm afraid, however, that this was not my first reaction and he knew it.
So I go back to remembering how important love is to this whole situation - it really is the foundation from which I must operate. Love covers over a multitude of sins (including perfectionism) and not only has this been my parenting mantra - it is now my parenting parents mantra.

A follow up to the morning's reason for sleeping in. He was just snuggling with mom and they were saying how much they love one another. When I found that out, I told them to not let me interrupt them and left them alone. Love, it really is the reason to live and does heal all wounds. And it is in such short supply simply because we do not turn to the Giver of Love and ask. Well, I'm learning to ask (and have been for some time) in each and every situation. This is the joy and challenge I've been given for this season. And every season.

Bewildered

...that's how Dad looked when I came out from helping Mom and found him with his breakfast upchucked all over the nice clothes he'd put on for church. The look was sort of "what just happened?" and "what do I do now?" I got him cleaned up and back in his pajamas as quickly as possible and then tackled the floor. He's not sick very often so it took us both by surprise and I'm still wondering if it was the combination of his meds and orange juice on an empty stomach? He slept most of the day but today seems to be much better so I've made a mental note to get food in him before giving the fistful of drugs that he takes at each meal.

The bigger reminder for me is that these kinds of episodes will some day be more of the rule rather than the exception. The day when both of them need more intensive care and what if that happens simultaneously? Those are the kinds of questions / concerns that I can't solve now so am choosing to trust them to God, the One who holds the future.

This afternoon I dropped a smoothie on the floor and it splashed from one end of the kitchen to the other. This time I found the humor in being back on the floor, washing it on my hands and knees and it reminded me of my favorite book "The Christian's Secret of a Happy Life." In this 1880's classic by Hannah Whitall Smith, she talks about how our daily circumstances can be used to grow us into the likeness of Christ IF (and it's a big if) we allow them to. How do I let the little and sometimes not so little challenges affect me? This is truly my challenge and I choose to let God stretch me in uncomfortable ways. As I was mopping up the smoothie I thought of Romans 5:3-5 "And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us." And while a spilled smoothie is hardly suffering, it is a circumstance that I can choose to endure and allow character to be built by my response to it. That and all the little challenges I face in caring for mom as she despairs over her illness. My choice is to keep looking to Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit and pointing her to that hope as well. This is my calling and my daily choice - thanks be to God for the gift of His Spirit!

Living With Mom and Dad

This is so much like life when the kids were little that I have to remind myself - they're your parents! So often I want to write down what they say but, at the end of the day, I'm usually too tired to do so. Sound familiar? Here are a few snapshots from the first 9 days of living together:

Mom (hollering to Dad in the bathroom) "Bob, I need you to give me your ears!"

Dad (this morning at 7:30) "Are we going anywhere?" "No Dad, where did you think we were going?" "I thought I needed to go to school, but I graduated didn't I?"

Me (when I came into the bedroom and found mom hogging most of the bed and snuggled up to Dad) "Dad, you need to tell Mom to move over so you don't fall out of the bed again." Dad - "but I like it when she's close to me."

Mom had a rough day today and was upset about how confused she gets. When she's upset she tends to blame Dad for everything and anything. I'm so glad I can run interference and redirect her. He's so sweet and doting on her but she often misses it. It's almost as if she's gotten stuck in a few bad experiences from the first couple of years from their marriage. She brings up things that happened when Mark or Adie were babies. When I get impatient with either of them I ask God to help me learn what I'm supposed to learn from this whole experience. Today I kept going back to how hard it must be to lose your sense of control and the ability to order your life. Often when Mom is going to do something (like get dressed) she just gets stuck and doesn't know the next step to take. I just keep reminding her that I'm here to help - she doesn't have to remember. Still, she's been in control her whole life. That's a whole lot like me and so I'm learning to let go of control now and then maybe it won't be so hard later!

So why am I doing this? I love hearing how happy our daughters are in college and so glad that this enables that. I am deeply satisfied to know that Dad has an advocate when Mom gets unreasonable and that I can calm her down when she gets panicky. I really love being able to tackle projects around the house that I've had to put off for so long as well as make nourishing meals for everyone and be here when Ben gets home from school. All of this is just icing on the cake for the real reason that I'm caring for my parents. I know that I'm called to do this and that God is using this for my growth. I made a commitment to "just do what God wants" several years ago and I'm certain that this is what He wants. Obedience, in this case, has many blessings attached to it and that's what keeps me going when I start to think about the challenges ahead. God will give me the grace to do this, one day at a time. We made it through another day.

Parenting our Parents

I hardly know where to begin as I think about the events that have unfolded these past two months. I know it began for me when Mom fainted in their retirement home apartment just a couple days before Christmas. She ended up in the hospital where they diagnosed her with heart problems - a valve that needed replacing. At 85 years old this was not a viable option. After a few days she returned to the place that she's never embraced as home even though she and Dad had been living there since the end of August. The home is nice - clean, new and spacious with lots of activities to participate in and two meals provided every day. They had the largest unit - a big two bed/bath that a fair amount of their favorite possessions still fit into. Still, it was not their home and Mom started isolating herself and withdrawing from social interaction almost from the first day. After she came home from the hospital it got worse until she wouldn't even go for meals (and our 91 year old father began bringing food up to her on a tray). I didn't see it but it caused the staff and other residents of the home great concern. The turning point (and possibly saving grace) came when Mom's heart shot a blood clot to her leg and she was sent back to the hospital for minor surgery to remove it. Something had to change in their situation and this forced it to happen.

My brothers and sisters all have their perspective on this unfolding of events and I don't claim to have the corner on truth - I can only tell it as I experienced it. I'm so very grateful that we have each other to lean on, cry with and, sometimes unexpectedly, laugh with. I don't know how we would've done all that needed to get done without each of us taking a part. That, for me, has been the silver lining in this rapid downward spiral of our parents' health.

After several trips to Wenatchee to visit mom and dad in December and January, I began to see that they needed more care than they were getting and that being centrally located would help that to happen. All of us were set to meet on February 5th to plan how to do this - our parents were having a hard time accepting the reality of their situation and every change was a battle. That is why the last hospitalization and move to a rehab facility turned out to be a gift. Suddenly they were forced apart and it caused them to be more open to new options.

The week that everything changed for me was when I went over to help get her set up in the rehab center. She was to stay there until she was strong enough to take care of herself again. The place she ended up in Wenatchee was the place I promised myself that our parents never would. The staff was kind, hardworking and possibly understaffed. The facility was old with a smell that seemed to cling to you as you left. Mom had a roommate who was there permanently and with no TV or phone, she would often chat and throw out riddles for us to solve. She was a delight but her situation was so depressing. Then there was the man down the hall who would begin hollering for help in the evening (sundowners, they call it)and wouldn't let up for a couple of hours..."help me, help me, help me...." Finally there was the food....so worried that Mom wasn't eating we began bringing in Subway (and later cheeseburgers from Mickey D's). All that Dad wanted to do was sit by her bedside and hold her hand. Then they would both fall asleep and it was so touching that it made me want to cry.

to be continued....