Cullen

There is now a Caringbridge site for Cullen :) Hooray! Here is the latest from Shelley:

Hey Everyone.

Just wanted to give an update on how Cullen is doing.Cullen has been doing better the last week or so. He had a pretty bigarthritis flair the day before Thanksgiving. He hasn't been in that muchpain since his arthritis was first diagnosed in 2007. We got him through the weekend wearing ice packs around his knees and ankles to help reducethe swelling. Sent an email to his rheumatology doctor, Jen, and told her that we really need to restart Remicade. They had stopped him taking this medication when he had the big lung infection in May/June. Given that Remicade is an immune suppressant, they didn't want him on it anymore asthey were concerned that the lung infection would get out of control. She agreed and he started up again on 11/30. What a huge difference that has made. Not only are we have been able to get arthritis more in control, butit has also helped with some improvement in his lung function. He is no longer needed supplement oxygen throughout the day. We also saw the pain management team last week, and they prescribed a new plan that has allowed his back pain to be more under control.

So overall, Cullen is doing much better. He has been busy trying to catch up with school. As always lots of doctor appointments at Children's, there is still alot going on. With the hospital stay in November and the time that it took to recover, hehad gotten far behind. This always stresses him out, even though we tellhim everyone understands and we will get as many extensions as you need.For the most part the teachers and the director of the learning programhave been very supportive. They have been working with us with whatever weneed. With that said, Cullen was not sleeping great as he was worried aboutschool, deadlines and doing well.Our neighbor's son, who is a teacher came over last weekend to help Cullenwith Social Studies which was a big help. Thank you Adam!I also remembered a tutor that had helped Cullen in seventh grade when hewas part of the home/hospital program. On a lark, I thought I would callher to see if she would be willing to help Cullen in a freelance capacity.Since it has been a couple of years since we had talked, I wasn't sure ifshe would remember us. She not only did, but was more than willing to helpget started with Cullen this week! She has also agreed to help him over thewinter break so that when school "starts' back up in January that he willbe caught up. Cullen met with her today and was feeling really good aboutthe new plan.Another blessing has been Katie. Katie is the Coordinator of Children andYouth Ministries at our church. She is in the process of organizingtutoring for those that either want to help or need help with school. Icalled her yesterday to see where she was in the process and if there wassomeone that could help Cullen with Spanish. They are still organizingeverything, but with out any hesitation she shares with me that she isfluent in Spanish and she would love to help Cullen. This is such ablessing. Cullen's Spanish teacher has been less than engaged and learningthis by himself has been difficult. Cullen finally feels like he has a planand although there is alot to do in the next few weeks, that he has lots ofsupport to help get him there.

Many of you have been wonderful about sharing Cullen's story in a variety of prayer groups. They have asked that I start a caringbridge website where they can get updates. So this weekend, Cullen and I put this website together. It will have the same information that I sent out in these notes,but that way you can provide the following link to friends/family thatwould like to keep updated on Cullen.You can Visit Cullen’s website in two easy ways:
1. Visit the CaringBridge website by clicking the URL.http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/cullenrogers/createorsignin

2. Enter the website name, cullenrogers, at http://www.caringbridge.org/When you visit you’ll be asked to log in. We took Cullen to see Blindside over the weekend... Great Movie.. Have a new favorite verse. "Because with men some things are possible. But with God all things are possible."Thank you for your prayers, love and support.

We have much to be thankful for.
Shelley

Gloriose Giving

It has now been a year since I started the fund for Gloriose - how can that be?!! In less than 8 months, a team will be going to Burundi to come alongside the programs there and to connect with Gloriose. Recently I've been feeling the tug to go with that team. How good it would be to see the women that the fund has helped and to hear their stories. I've pasted in this blog, an email from Gloriose that talks about how she's used the money. My hope is to continue to send her money and then when the team goes, the stories will be rich and rewarding. Here is her email:

"Dear sisters,
Greeting in the name of Jesus,I am happy to share with you this storie of a christian group of women who are annointed to pray for healing of different deases, they belong to a very poor church and live in a quarter which has been destroyed during the long war in our country, The lord has put them in my heart and last month I gave them money to start together smalls busness, I went to visit them, I told them that I have sisters in America who are praying for them, they thank you and thank the Lord for the help , hope God will give them opportunity to see you one day. They ten and have decided to start an association, you can see them in this different pictures with an other woman and one man who live for the moment in that small church because theiy are praying for their healing. An other group of 6 women are selling some food you will see some pictures in their quater, they told me that that work give them clothes and food for their families, most of them have small children who need sometime to have milk.May God bless each of you and what you are doing for burundian poor women, the way is very long but God knows how He will provide through his poeple."

I've left the email just as it came to me because it shows that even though English is the 3rd language for Gloriose, she communicates very well. Heaven help us if I had to try to write to her in French! A big thanks to all of you who've been helping Gloriose to help others. It is a privilege for me to share in the process of blessing the poor women in this country. May you be blessed as well.

Puppets in the Classroom

I can't believe that it's been almost two months since I last wrote anything - that's coincides almost perfectly with the start of my new profession in the Seattle school district: PUPPET LADY. That's not what they hired me to do but it's what I'm doing anyway:0). I'm actually a paraprofessional who works with special needs kids but I've found that Miss Pearl and Pirate Pete can connect with autistic kids much better than I can. I love doing this! I don't know where this will lead but for now it's a great fit for me. I love the adventure of going to different schools, meeting new people and having to think on my feet.

My last job was in a spanish immersion program with 1st graders during which I was not allowed to speak any english! That is, until the last 10 minutes of the class when the teacher told the students (in spanish) that she had a special treat for them. At that point, Miss Pearl and I got to tell the kids how fun it had been to watch them learning spanish and trying to figure out what the teacher was saying. If you think it's challenging to jump into a classroom and work with kids you've never met before, try adding that you can't speak to them! It was actually quite funny. The teacher loved Miss Pearl and asked if I ever do birthday parties :)....so I gave her my card. Like I said, this is a great fit for me for now and I can't wait to see where it will lead. I'm sure that all this practice and exposure will lead to something and I'm trusting that God is in the midst of all of it. Joy upon joy.

Penny - Boundless Energy

We have a new puppy - she's been with us for a month and she's actually 7 months old, so more like a teenager, but she's still a puppy. I've been taking her for walks in the woods with Bentley and it has quickly become her favorite part of the day. Since Bentley is almost 7, it has been striking to see the difference between the two of them - especially when they're romping in the woods. Don't get me wrong, Bentley still loves the woods and can tell even by the clothes I put on that I'm getting ready to take them walking (that's probably because I tend to wear the same clothes every time we walk:) and begins whining immediately. The difference is most noticeable when they're running on ahead of me. Penny is boundless energy - a characteristic of the Vizsla breed which we didn't know before we got her; or at least, I didn't know. Bentley as the middle ager of the two tends to be more conservative in his explorations - trotting rather than galloping, stopping versus bounding, sticking close to me instead of making wide loops around me.

Penny, on the other hand, is a marvel to watch. She actually bounds - kind of a combination of bouncing and running, and it just makes me smile. Her joy in her freedom is contagious and something deep within me responds to that joy. I feel as if a long buried voice within me is being called out and it delights me.

At the same time, I'm very aware that my body is more like Bentley's - aging on the downhill side. I must know my limitations and treat my physical self with gentleness and care. This is a new attitude for me since I grew up believing in "no pain, no gain" (whoever came up with that slogan and why do we still believe it?) That attitude led me to several injuries which limit what I can do - from my torn hamstring, to my expensively reworked foot, to a tender shoulder as well as the notorious Stoll lower back - I'm not the athlete that I once was. I now know that exercise is good but it must respect the way my body feels. Rather than see these as limitations, I accept them as guides into more respectful ways of being a body (and not just having one.) I've discovered that walking is just as worthwhile as running and so much less punishing on my body. I'm also learning yoga and have a whole new respect for those who practice it (much harder than it looks - and I'm still on level 1!) Since I know that this aging process is continual, I'm anticipating needing to make more changes as the years go by and I know that loving my body now will make those adjustments less severe. If only I'd known this in my twenties when I was running 50 - 60 miles a week -think of all the miles I put on my body then! Then again, this is the wisdom to be gained in middle age which is right smack dab where I'm at.

So, as I walk the dogs in the woods, I feel as if the story of my life is being played out right in front of me. I'm finding ways to embrace the joy of the child within me without having to beat my body to do it. I can accept the place that I'm at in life and still listen to the joy that sings deep within my soul. I'm so very grateful for this new awareness and the opportunity to live it out each day. I'm learning to trust that this shift in my life can be a witness to those around me and perhaps I can spare my children from some of the mistakes I made. Probably not, but at least they'll be able to see what midlife adjustment looks like:). In the meantime I'm going to keep walking my dogs and loving the joy that comes from being with them in the woods.

My Life After Africa

It's been a year since I began preparing in earnest to go to Africa. At this time last year I was reading everything I could about Rwanda, getting shots, meeting with Leigh, reviewing my french and preparing mentally for a trip that would change the direction of my life. I wanted to be changed and was eager to get out of my comfort zone (because I'd done that in my 20's when I went to live in Bangkok for 6 months and I knew what a great experience it could be!)

Looking back, I now see that my life has been rearranged in unexpected ways. The trip itself was awesome but it's the new trajectory that I'm on that has made the biggest difference. For example; I started reading the book "Hot, Flat and Crowded", on the return plane trip. It was so engrossing that I put my name on the long waiting list at the library and then devoured it when my name finally came up. That has caused me to look at our energy consumption in new ways (and to cheer when I see some of Friedman's suggestions being implemented by our new Secretary of Energy, Chu).

I also decided to read more about Burundi after I came home and got the book "This Voice in My Heart" (also from the library - oh, yeah, I use the library a lot more now, too!) This book not only helped me understand the genocide of Burundi but challenged my ways of thinking about food. (That led me to read the book "Food Matters" by Mark Bittman and a whole new way of cooking and eating was born.) As I was reading about life in Burundi, I realized that I thought food had to come out of boxes and slick packaging (mainly) and I've discovered that I can do away with a lot of the processing and make good, healthful, nourishing meals that my family loves, that honor the needs of our world and costs less to boot. I now use the "Moosewood" and "More with Less" cookbooks on a regular basis. Occasionally, I slip back into convenience foods but those forays are less and less frequent.

I listen to NPR, try to read the NY Times online and desire to think globally while living locally. I frequently feel compelled to make a difference in our world and am open, willing and questioning just how that could happen. I've been raising support for a woman I met in Burundi who is working with the poorest women and has been trying to get them started in small businesses. It's a small start but it's a start.

I really wish I could say that I'm always grateful for all that I have and never want what I don't have. I have many more moments of gratitude and am frequently reminded of the children in the villages we visited who only had the clothes they were wearing and asked us to bring more clothes the next time we came; and soap to wash them. Even so, I must confess that I can still get caught up in the "I want...." mentality that our culture thrives on. (Oh, and that the "I wants" can so quickly become the "I needs.")

There have been other, deeper, subtle changes - more serenity, more confidence, an increased awareness of my need for more patience and a realization that my life can/does make a difference. I also laugh and cry more. Would I go again knowing all the ways I've been changed? In a heartbeat, for Africa has ignited my imagination and awakened some long buried passions. I am and will be forever grateful for this life shaping adventure and the path that I'm now on. May all your adventures awaken your passion, sharpen your focus and embolden your compassion.

Ted Kennedy, Madonna and Rob Bell

What the heck do these three have in common? Well, I was inspired by all three this morning. Really.

I was shocked to find out that the Lion in the Senate had passed away when I turned on my computer yesterday. I then spent time talking over his life with Hannah and realized that the first thing I thought of was Chappaquiddick. All these years later (I was only 10 when it happened) so I know it made a deep impression. I did some poking around on the computer and did find some references to the scandal that I remember: that he didn't talk to the police until 10 hours after it happened (and then only after they contacted him), that there were rumours that she was pregnant (unconfirmed because no autopsy was done). So much potential for wrong, for cover-up, for preferential treatment. It led to an interesting discussion with my daughter. So why am I inspired, you wonder? Because despite whatever happened (or maybe because of it) and the way it tainted his life, Ted went on to do amazing things for the underdog in our country. Redemption, a second chance, an ability to do good after doing incredible wrong. Isn't that what God offers us? Isn't that what Jesus' death and resurrection is all about?

Rob Bell is pastor and writer in Grand Rapids, Michigan and I've had the privilege of hearing him speak at my church - Vineyard Community Church in Shoreline. Just this morning I finished his book "Jesus Wants to Save Christians" and I wanted to do a cartwheel and shout "whoo - hoo" to what he had to say. I really loved the chapter entitled, "Swollen-Bellied Black Babies, Soccer Moms on Prozac, And The Mark of the Beast." If that doesn't pique your curiosity then don't read it because you probably won't have ears to hear (or, more accurately, eyes to read/comprehend). I do hope it does pique your interest enough to check it out and get an overview of the Bible in a whole new way. I gobbled it up. It gave me hope that the Church might actually be a force for good in our broken world.

So far so good. But Madonna? I'll admit that even I was surprised by this one (and reminded not to put up any walls that divide and create an Us vs Them). Madonna spoke out to an audience of 60,000 and told them that their treatment of the Roma or Gypsies was wrong. And thousands of them booed her. She spoke of equality and freedom for all and then went on with her concert. Just like that. Oh, and she included Roma dancers in her performance. I'm impressed that she took that stand, that she challenged the audience that supports her. I'm also inspired that she didn't defend or get angry but simply stated her view, took the criticism and then went back to doing what she does best. I think that took incredible courage and I'm hopeful that others will be inspired by her as well. Perhaps even some of those that booed her. Small acts of courage (as well as the big ones) do make a difference.

Thank you Madonna, Rob Bell and Ted Kennedy.

Hope

I was just finishing up my walk with Bentley this morning and found myself following a 30 something man. He'd just left the local 7-11 and was busy scratching his monthly (weekly, daily)??? lottery tickets. Since he didn't jump up and down, whoop and holler, I assumed he probably didn't win much, if anything. It made me ponder why so many people buy lottery tickets when the odds are stacked against them? And then it hit me - hope. There's always hope that some day they may hit the big one (even though all those $2-5 purchases add up and they'd really be better off putting them in a savings account.) Still, week after week, month after month, year after year, millions of people put their hope in someday hitting the big one. And lottery officials, casino managers, race track owners etc. all know just how much to pay out to keep the hope alive.

Heck, we have investments in stocks, so I guess we're also playing the odds. The white collar lottery. When I find myself paying too much attention to how much our investments are worth, I remind myself that they could all go down the tube in an instant. That reminder nearly became a reality this year as we all watched our economy tank. Hallack and I just told our financial manager not to worry about us because our security does not rest in our portfolio. A very good thing to remind myself from time to time,



Our hope, our security, our confidence all rest on something much more solid and satisfying - on Jesus Christ. I know that this isn't a popular claim these days. Faith in Christ is seen as too exclusive, limiting and not in keeping with a global world view. When I look at how the religious right beats people up with their morality (the so-called "moral majority"), I cringe. When I think of how Christianity has come to be associated with the republican party (when did Jesus ever take sides in politics?), I want to protest! When my next door neighbor tells me that Christianity doesn't "pass the sniff test," I have to agree. At least not the Christianity that gets flung in other peoples' faces. But that representation of the Son of God is not the Jesus I'm falling in love with. That's not the One who stood silently while the deeply religious people of His day had Him beaten and mocked, tortured and scorned and finally led to the cruelest form of death ever invented by humanity. That Jesus knew that only love can bring healing. The only human who could've brought all the powers of heaven down on humanity knew that what we really needed was a different way. He knew that in giving up His life for us was the only way to heal us. How could we have gotten so far from that Jesus? How did we get to where we are today? For me, the Jesus of the Bible is the only hope I'm counting on. The Jesus who calls to me in my dreams, who comforts me in my sorrow, who loves me regardless of what I do or say - that is the Jesus I put my hope in. He's real hope in a way that our stocks, our morality, our religious rules never will be. His love sustains me, calls out to me, and heals me when everything and everyone around me has let me down. That's true hope. That's worth living and dying for.

Biking

Lately I've been doing a lot of biking - and finding cool trails/paths all over the place. I fill up my aluminum canteen with water, slather on the sunscreen, grab my ipod, jam on my helmet and off I go. I love the interurban trail and can make it to Lynnwood from my house in less than 40 minutes. And it's a blast. Now I'm trying to find a way on trails to get to my Al-Anon meeting in Ballard (and I've almost got it figured out!)

A couple of weeks ago I was struck by an analogy while riding and wanted to write it down. This is it: while I love coasting down the hills going scarily fast, it's only when I'm pumping the wheels and climbing hills that I actually get stronger. Hills may not be my favorite part of the ride but they sure burn the calories and, more importantly, help build my muscles (well technically the muscles are torn but then they rebuild bigger and stronger.) So I actually relish it when I see a hill coming and I have to gear down and face it head on. I feel so strong and full of life in the midst of a hill (here I must confess that I haven't tried to tackle Queen Anne so that may be a bit too much for me at this point.)

In case the analogy isn't completely obvious to anyone but me it's this: that it's in the times of challenge when we grow. It's in the painful times of life that I lean more deeply into Christ and uncover where my heart is really resting and trusting. I learned this 9 years ago when my brother died from pancreatic cancer. In my grief, I felt as if a curtain between this world and the next was ripped in two and I experienced the love of God in new and shockingly real ways. I discovered clarity in what was important and a new ability to marginalize what was not. I wish I could say that I've hung onto that clarity but I'm afraid that the pull to status quo was just too strong. I went back to my old habit of looking for approval from almost everyone around me.

Lately, by God's grace and mercy, I've discovered a new awareness of His love for me. It's come gradually over the past 2 1/2 years - ever since March 31, 2007 when I surrendered to His will. I did so in response to a sermon by Bryan Burton where he said "we struggle because we do not want to surrender." At that point in my life I was really tired of the struggle and so I surrendered. With this surrender has come new revelations, new opportunities for growth, and the removal of several layers of denial. It's been an amazing journey and I know I'm not through with it yet. Not by a long shot. The delightful part of this path has been a deepening experience of God's love. Every day He speaks a new message of love and is helping me to let go of all the defenses I've built up. It's been exhilerating and I know that the best is yet to come. It's like seeing a hill coming and knowing that the good it will do me is worth the stress and strain. All this talk of bike riding has me longing for a nice ride before the sun sets. And I won't be avoiding the hills.

Widening the Circle

My Grandpa was a Lutheran minister - more specifically a Missouri Synod Lutheran minister and he thought that they had a corner on the Truth. I had to leave the M.S. Lutherans when I felt a call on my life because they didn't have room for women in the ministry. In my lifetime, I've seen the rigid boundaries around the denominations loosen and an openness to other faith traditions (even, gasp, Catholics). That's been happening for quite some time and I embraced it quite easily. So my Lutheran roots made the transplant to Free Methodist, Presbyterian and now Vineyard soils without much trauma at all. I've embraced the spirituality and contemplativity of Catholicism with a deep sense of wonder and joy. So far so good - I love being ecumenical.

More recently I've discovered spirituality outside of Western Christianity and that has felt less comfortable. I attend an Al Anon group where God is defined as my "Higher Power" and can sometimes be described as the chair I'm sitting on. Wow. That's a far cry from seeing Jesus as the "Way, the Truth and the Life" with no one getting to the Father except through Him. As I wrestle with my faith boundaries I've had to admit that I've experienced God in powerful, healing ways in my 12 step meeting. I've been healed there, I see others get healing and I know that God is very present as we share our pain and brokenness with each other. What makes me really sad is that many of these dear people that I've come to love had to get over what they learned about God in the Church. Many have experienced abuse rather than love at the hands of those who claim Christ as their ultimate authority. No wonder the mainline Church is hemorrhaging and new expressions of faith communities are springing up everywhere. In Jesus' words, we just can't put new wine into old wineskins - and new wine is being produced everywhere!

Most recently I've discovered that deep truth and spirituality can be found in the most amazing places. I love the encounter that Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) had with God in an Ashram in India. I love reading about Eastern Christianity. I believe that truth seekers can find God in unlikely places. I'm much more open and less judgemental about others' experiences. I hear God through my ipod for crying out loud!

I still believe that Jesus is The Way. I believe that the love He showed the world through his life, death and resurrection is significantly different than all the hoops that man made religions put out for us to jump through (and I include the Christian hoops as well!) He does not ask us to do anything other than trust His love enough to put our weight down on it. That means, for me, that I can't hedge my faith with a big bank account, or a Christian marriage, or a ministry to the homeless. None of those things will save me - only faith in Jesus. Only trust in His love. I have to take the and out of Jesus and...(service, family, church, money, relationships, looks etc..) It's just Jesus - even and maybe especially when He meets us in unlikely places.

So I'm widening the circle. Or rather God has been widening it for me as I've sought Him and His Truth the past 5 years. I've come a long way from my Missouri Synod Lutheran roots and my Grandpa's perspective of the Church. Since Grandpa is now alive with ultimate Truth and Love (and no longer walking in the limits of earthly life) I'm sure he is celebrating my ever widening circle. So embrace Love, wherever you find Him.

The Ipod - A Tool of Spirituality?

God speaks to me in song. Really. Perhaps He uses songs to get past the voices in my head which can be so loud and so contrary to what He is saying; that would be my guess but I KNOW that He's used a number of songs to speak to me.

For example: a couple of years ago I was in a tough situation where I was being manipulated and used. I went to see the movie, "Music and Lyrics" with my daughter, Hannah and one of the songs just jumped out at me. After that, I would hear "Way Back Into Love" in my head at all different times. I knew that I was no longer living from a place of love and that I had to get out. I had to find a "way back into love" because that's where God is. I had to get the abuser out of my head and let God back in. The song spoke to me and I know it was a message from God. So I obeyed, got out and found my way back to hearing God again.

Just recently I went to see the Muppets exhibit at EMP(Experience Music Project) with my friend Melissa. While there I heard the song "Rainbow Connection" as we played with some really fun puppets. I didn't think much of it at the time, but later felt compelled to look up the song. I even made my kids crazy as I played it on my laptop over and over. The whole song didn't speak to me but the following lines did:
"Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name!"
as well as:
"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me."

I HAVE heard His Voice and that week I really needed to be reminded of it. And that He calls out to me. And that I'm one of the lovers and dreamers. And God likes that about me.

Most recently I received a special gift of song from my friend, Cari. It was the song "Hallelujah" by Bethany Dillon. That whole song spoke to me but especially the line "and only You can see the good in broken things." It spoke to my brokenness. And the brokenness I've seen in Africa. And the brokenness I see in the severely disabled, thrown away kids at Fircrest. And the brokenness I feel more than see in high school kids. The brokenness that is crying out all around us if we'd just stop and listen. It makes me weep. It makes me want to do something.
It reminds me that God sees all the brokenness and He's looking for willing servants who are surrendered to Him. I have surrendered...I'm waiting and trusting on His leading. Only He can see and do something about all this brokenness.

So my advice is this; if you have trouble hearing God because the voices in your head are too loud, put your ipod on shuffle and be open to what God might be saying to you. Not every song speaks to me but it's amazing how many do. Especially the love songs - when heard as songs of love from God...well they are incredibly healing. One song that keeps coming up and I think there might be a message for me in it is "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds." I don't get that song and I really don't know what it means - any ideas? Please let me know. Maybe I'll go listen to it again.

Bear comes to Seattle

Sometimes, oftentimes, I'm amazed at the creativity of God. His unending capacity to meet us and minister to us in unexpected ways. That was brought home to me in a truly unique way last week.

Before I tell the story, I have to give some background information. When I was about 6 or 7 we were on a trip back from the Midwest and stopped to have lunch in a Montana state park. It was way off the beaten path and totally deserted except for us....and, apparently, bears. The evidence of bears was everywhere - bear scat, scratch marks, hair; it was a little unnerving to say the least! In this setting my brother Neal decided to tell me a "true story" about two little girls who surprised a mother grizzly when they ran out of a bathroom in Yellowstone. I remember his telling of the story vividly - right down to the gory detail of the rescue party finding the ear of one of the little girls as they chased after the bear. Remember, I was only 7 when I heard this story and to this day I can picture that park and the park I envisioned as my brother wove his captivating tale. I have been deathly afraid of bears ever since. I spent a summer hiking in the North Cascades and every night I'd wake up in terror, listening to the sounds of nature and repeat over and over, "it's not a bear, it's just little critters or deer licking the salt off my pack. It's not a bear, it's not a bear." My biggest fear, while living in Alaska, was that I'd encounter a bear and my fear would overcome my motherly instincts and I run off and leave my kids. So it really has been a deep seated fear (and let's not forget, bears are scary!)

So back to my story. It was Tuesday morning and I came across an email from the high school alerting us to sighting of a bear in Hamlin woods - the very place I walk my dog every day. A bear. In my woods. Then I got a text from Bekah who'd heard the announcement at school and wanted to warn me to be careful. I sat with this information for a few moments and then felt compelled to go for our usual walk. Not just desirous but compelled. I had papers to drop off at the high school and the easiest way to get there is through the woods - so I decided to face my fears and go through the woods. I wasn't really scared which, for me, is a minor miracle right there. I just had this sense that I was doing what I was supposed to do - no matter the consequences. I was not going to live in fear.

I got to the woods and they were fairly deserted - a couple of other dog owners were there and I gave them a heads up before I turned into the woods. I stuck to main trails and felt pretty safe. After dropping off the papers, I headed back into the woods and this time I threw all caution to the wind. I took some "off the beaten path" trails where I could be fairly certain to be alone and enjoy the incredible beauty of this wonderful park. I was so unafraid that it amazed me. I was thoroughly enjoying my walk when I came up a steep hill, turned the corner and noticed a TV cameraman had his camera trained on us. I quickly leashed up Bentley (I always do this when around others) and then continued walking down the path. As soon as I could see I was no longer being filmed, I begged him to not show me with my dog offleash (which is a big ticket if you get caught.) He told me that he'd been filming us when we were skirting the bottom of the hill but promised not to show that part if I'd let them interview me. He asked if I knew about the bear and why I was walking even with that knowledge. When I told him I didn't want to live in fear (and boy was that ever true in this case) he wanted to get that on tape.

So I was interviewed by KIRO and most of it made it on the noon news. I thought he said KING so I was watching the wrong station when it came on. The ones who did see it were my parents in Wenatchee - were they ever surprised! A little bit was shown at 5 and little clips of me were shown even the next morning. Weird.

Here were my take aways from this experience:
1. God is in every experience and whatever happens is in His Hands - I do not need to fear.

2. It feels good to face your fears and you never know what adventure may come out of it.

3. I do not like how I look on TV - those extra pounds the camera adds on are not flattering!

4. I like the limelight too much - somehow my ego is still wrapped up in what others think of me. I continue to trust God to change me in this area and believe that He is taking me to a place of belovedness in Him alone (but I'm not there yet.)

5. Maybe I'll write a children's book about "bear in the city." Now if I could just find a good illustrator....

Face your fears. It feels really wonderful.

A Weekend with Family

Our Dad just turned 90 and most of the family made it to Wenatchee this past weekend to celebrate him. It was a wonderful gathering spent getting caught up, reminiscing and eating wonderful meals made by my sister Gail and brother John.


At one point in the sharing, talk turned to my trip to Africa and what I experienced there. After reassuring my family that I really wasn't in much danger, most of the time, I found myself trying to talk about the wierdness of being with people who have nothing but a little food, the barest of shelter and the clothes on their backs - and then returning to the wealth that we experience here in America. I try to talk in ways that engage rather than repell; invite rather than reject; inspire rather than condemn but I'm not sure I've found the stories or the language to do so. Inevitably, at some point, I start to notice some of the eyes glaze over and minds move on to another topic. And I get it - it is so hard to stay engaged with the problems of inequity that seem so far away from us. It is much easier to think/dream about the latest technology or toy or focus on the complexity of our lives than to imagine what it would look like to embrace a global lifestyle. I just can't go back to ignoring the problems that we're facing as a global community - I don't want to. At the same time, I struggle with the message we're bombarded with every day: all I need is just a little bit more to make me happy. Think about it - isn't that the lie that leads us on like the proverbial "carrot on the stick?" Can you not think of at least half a dozen things that you'd like to have and that you think would better your life? I can and then I think back to the children running alongside our van, asking us to bring them clothes the next time we return.....


So I think the answer to the pervasive message that "all I need is a little bit more" - is to remember and be grateful for all that I do have. Gratitude fills up my heart and helps me to realize that a little bit more would just cause a raise in my lifestyle and a new level of "just a little bit more" would take the place of the other list of desires. I'm challenging myself to see if I can go the other way - "just a little bit less." If I make choices with my food, my energy usage, my clothing choices, my cleaning products that use "just a little bit less" I can stand against the deception in our culture. If enough of us do this, we can change the trajectory our planet is on. If we look into what we buy, where it comes from, who it impacts and make choices that are good for the whole of humanity (and not just because it's convenient, or cheaper, or touted as the latest "must have") well, I think we all would be better off. Not only would our choices benefit the poorest in the world but we would be actively disengaging from the carrot. And that would be better for us all.

Hot, Flat and Crowded

One of my favorite quotes is by Winston Churchill: “I’m an optimist, it doesn’t make much sense to be anything else.” Imagine all that he went through in his lifetime and that’s what he had to say (I don’t actually know when he said it, so perhaps it was after the war. I tend to think he said it in the midst of war!)

With that in mind, I want to shamelessly plug the latest book by Thomas Friedman:"Hot, Flat and Crowded." I just finished reading it and think everyone in America should be required to read it. In it, he lays out just how desperately our world needs a green revolution but also a really practical, optimistic vision of how it could come about (and help our country to be the best kind of global leader - for the good of all!) If you’re like me and you’ve bounced back and forth between “this is too much to take on” and “how bad can it be?” well….Friedman helps you to get out of that ping pong game with an honest look at just what we need to do to save our planet. And it does need saving. And it’s going to take all of us. And we have to do it now.

Before you write this off as the lunatic ranting of the girl voted “class crusader” in high school, please read the following speech written by a 12 year old Canadian girl to a rapt audience at the 1992 earth summit:

Hello, I’m Severn Suzuki, speaking for ECO – the Environment Children’s Organization. We are a group of twelve- and thirteen-year-olds trying to make a difference: Vanessa Suttie, Morgan Geisler, Michelle Quigg and me. We raised all the money to come here five thousand miles to tell you adults you must change your ways. Coming up here today, I have no hidden agenda. I am fighting for my future. Losing my future is not like losing an election or a few points on the stock market. I am here to speak for all generations to come. I am here to speak on behalf of the starving children around the world whose cries go unheard. I am here to speak for the countless animals dying across the planet because they have nowhere left to go. I am afraid to go out in the sun now because of the holes in the ozone. I am afraid to breathe the air because I don’t know what chemicals are in it. I used to go fishing in Vancouver, my home, with my dad until just a few years ago we found the fish full of cancers. And now we hear of animals and plants going extinct every day – vanishing forever. In my life, I have dreamt of seeing the great herds of wild animals, jungles and rain forests full of birds and butterflies, but now I wonder if they will even exist for my children to see. Did you have to worry about these things when you were my age? All this is happening before our eyes and yet we act as if we have all the time we want and all the solutions. I’m only a child and I don’t have all the solutions, but I want you to realize, neither do you….You don’t know how to bring the salmon back up a dead stream. You don’t know how to bring back an animal now extinct. And you can’t bring back the forests that once grew where there is now desert. If you don’t know how to fix it, please stop breaking it!...
At school, even in kindergarten, you teach us how to behave in the world. You teach us: not to fight with others, to work things out, to respect others, to clean up our mess, not to hurt other creatures, to share – not be greedy. Then why do you go out and do the things you tell us not to do? Do not forget why you’re attending these conferences, who you’re doing this for – we are your own children. You are deciding what kind of world we are growing up in. Parents should be able to comfort their children by saying “everything’s going to be all right,” “it’s not the end of the world,” and “we’re doing the best we can.” But I don’t think you can say that to us anymore. Are we even on your list of priorities?
My dad always says, “You are what you do, not what you say.” Well, what you do makes me cry at night. You grown-ups say you love us, but I challenge you. Please make your actions reflect your words. Thank you. " ("Hot, Flat and Crowded" pg 724)

Please, let’s do it for our kids. We can no longer afford to put it off.

Gloriose

I've been hearing more from Gloriose these past couple of days and it caused me to read back through all our communications. It encourages me so much to hear her words of faith and I know that she is truly living out the call to help the poor. One thing that really strikes me is that her whole ministry/calling has come about through listening. She got training in how to really listen. That is the first thing she does and then she can really discern what the need is. Sometimes it is the only thing she can do but even in the listening there is healing. Oh that we would all learn to listen better!

One part of her story that I did not tell in my earlier blog about her is that she has a son who has a brain tumor. He has been living with her sister in Sweden in order to get better medical care (I think he's been there for close to a year). He's finally scheduled for surgery on May 19th and she'd really like to be there with him. She wrote to ask for prayers for him and for her visa and then, when I probed a little further she admitted that she doesn't have the funds for the plane ticket. These are her words:

"This time I am waiting to the visa and I am asking financely some help to my brothers and sisters in Christ because I do not have the money for the ticket to go and to come back from Sweden, I have only money to pay for my visa, you can pray also for my ticket, I trust in my God , He knows my needs and he will provide, In my nature, I do not know to ask money for myself, but there are some situations I am not able to solve alone,so, if possible, some contribution would be useful for me."

I asked and now I'm wondering if there are some who'd like to join me in sending her some money for her ticket. I don't know how much she needs but God does and I think it would be a faith strengthener for all of us to see what comes in and then match it to her need. I've heard amazing stories about God answering prayer exactly without the people involved knowing the details. I think that'd be cool.

Flurry

The past week has been a flurry. What a funny word, "flurry"- kind of a cross between funny and blurry which is what a flurry is when you step back and examine it. So I'm looking back at my attempts to "be productive" and "get things done" and "make others happy" and it is kind of funny. And then I see that it's all been a bit blurry - unintentional, reactive, hectic. Not contemplative which is really my goal. And then I got sick - that slowed me down. Usually I get sick following a flurry which I believe is God's way of saying to me - take care of yourself. So yesterday I spent some time emailing a friend and she gave me some really good, counter- cultural advice. She said, "trust with patience, trust with prayer and trust. You have time." What wonderful, gracious words to a driven, people pleaser. I do have time; time to grow, time to process, time to listen. Time to be me.

Becomng Contemplative

Life has become much busier for me as my commitments have piled up. I'm reminded of my biggest temptation - to find my worth outside of myself (especially in the eyes of others.) I've been taking stock of my life the past couple years and have been moving toward becoming more contemplative. The past couple of months have felt like backward steps as I've said yes to some really worthwhile causes as well as increased my work load. The result is more stress with less time to process it - not a good combination. When I say that I'm becoming more contemplative, I mean that I'm learning to find my worth in my true self. My true self is my essence, my spirit, the self that existed before time and will continue even after my body decays. It is the self that was created by God and finds wholeness in God's will alone. It is the self that I enjoy, that brings life and is secure in God's love - even when significant others find me wanting. My true self is loving, gracious, wants the best for others and takes all setbacks in stride. My true self is emerging but only as I choose to live from authenticity and resist the cries from my false self. This is very hard to do since my false self has been calling the shots for a long time. Not impossible to do, but it does take time and intentionality to live in God's will and tune out the clamoring of my false self.

One way that the false self has gained power is through the "pulling myself up by my bootstraps" mentality that I adopted at a very early age. I know how to gut it out - what I'm less experienced at is surrendering, trusting and believing that God is in control. That's what faith is all about and that's what my true self is teaching me.

A quote that helps me to understand this is one by Frederick Buechner:

"but from her German forebears... the strongest faith she inherited was faith in hard work, in being careful with your money, in families staying together through thick and thin..., in the strength that comes from facing even what is vastly stronger than yourself. But when it comes to putting broken lives back together; when it comes, in religious terms, to the saving of souls- the human best tends to be at odds with the holy best. To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do - to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at it's harshest and worst - is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still." "Sacred Journey" pg. 46

So I'm letting go once again, trusting and believing that God is vastly stronger than me and anything that comes across my path. I can listen to His Voice of Love above all the others and know that I please Him. As I live in this place of faith, I do please Him and I feel His pleasure. May you feel His pleasure today.

Kauai on a Budget

One of the reasons I've been so quiet on my blog is due to our vacation. We packed up everyone but the dog and headed to Kauai for six days. I questioned my sanity while planning this last August since I was not working and doors I was knocking on kept closing. But I went ahead and spent a whole day on the internet finding flights that could accommodate our miles (during mid-winter break!) Anyone who's tried to cash in miles during peak travel times will appreciate the blessing I felt when I actually accomplished it. Then I put the whole trip on a back burner in order to get ready for Africa.

About two weeks into January I started to get anxious about the trip - where were we going to stay? could we afford it? what was I thinking?!!!! I started asking around for suggestions and one of the people I asked was Matt Hayashi. I was consulting with Matt and his wife and they used to live on Kauai. Matt did some looking around and found VRBO (vacation rental by owner). He suggested the part of the island that he thought would work and recommended a place that was $85/night. Wow - that was so much better than anything I'd found up to that point (not to mention that almost everything was already booked for that week!) So I went to VRBO and started looking around myself. I went to the rental that he suggested and then started to get nervous. There were no guest comments - not a good sign. There were no bookings on the calendar - another bad sign. So I started exploring all kinds of rentals on the sunny West side. And then I started emailing the owners and offering them even less than they had posted. After several days of searching, emailing and wondering, I hit on the place we eventually rented. She took my offer and we ended up in a two bedroom apartment, right on the beach in the quiet town of Waimea. After taxes and fees it cost us 516.00. Really. I was tickled but a bit apprehensive about what this place would be like (after all, it didn't have any guest comments or bookings either). I consoled myself with the thought that we're a camping family - it doesn't have to be fancy for us. I was just hoping that it didn't smell - I don't do well with smells.

The apartment was advertised as having a full kitchen so Hallack and I set out to plan some meals that we could bring with us. Using our Costco rebate, we picked up cereal, rice mixes, dried tortallini noodles, bagels, nuts, raisins, peanut butter as well as another bag to help us carry all these items. Our rebate was so very timely! We packed up all the food and added coffee, tuna, smoked salmon and a little cream cheese from our own stock. We made sure none of our bags weighed over 50 lbs and we were set. Off to Kauai! What would we find once we got there?!!

Our flight got into Lihue at 7pm and after getting our rental car (the most expensive part of our trip at $539 but boy was it great to have a car big enough to fit all of us and our stuff comfortably) we headed off to our little unit on the beach. We got there about 9:30, fumblied around in the dark to find our key (the porch light was not on) and I was beginning to have serious misgivings about this place. When we finally got the door unlocked and piled inside, I was delighted. It was clean, simple and there was no smell! So far so good. Since it was 11:30 Seattle time, we brought in our bags, assigned rooms, unpacked the food and fell into bed to the sound of waves crashing on the beach (they were so loud that Hallack and I had to trade rooms the next night with the girls - who sleep like rocks - in order to get some sleep). After dreaming about waves rather fitfully, I woke up before daybreak to a very cheerful husband who had been up and walking around the town since 5am. His words to me were "this place reminds me of Mexico." And so it did for all of us. I borrowed an ipod and took a long walk on the beach marveling as the sky got lighter, then pink, then gloriously sunny. I met several locals who walk on the beach for their exercise and I had the great sense that this was going to be a fabulous vacation.

It really was. From the simplicity of our little two bedroom in the midst of the locals to the joy of visiting the "sunshine" market (a local farmers market) and picking up fresh pineapple, apple bananas, cucumber etc. While waiting for the whistle to blow (that signals the opening of the market) we had a chance to get to know some pineapple farmers. They told us so much about their life on Kauai, their children, even their losses. I love meeting people and hearing their stories and having my children hear them as well. We lazed on beaches, fell in love with snorkeling (now I know what it's like to be in a big fish tank), drank in the beauty of Waimea Canyon and Wailua Falls, toured our neighbor's garden, and learned a whole bunch about horses. Since it was Bekah's 16th birthday and her special joy is horseback riding, she got to take a ride with Laura - the most knowledgeable horsewoman I've ever met. She took all of us through horse psychology 101 and then took the girls for a 90 minute ride during which they got to walk, trot and canter. Even in the rain they had a great time. While they were doing that, the Greider guys took a train ride around a plantation and found out why there are chickens everywhere. I spent 40 minutes in a fabric shop, rubbing elbows with local quilters and trying to choose from more Hawaiian fabrics than I ever thought existed. We also discovered that the town of Waimea has the best shaved ice on the entire island and I can't deny that the Greiders got there just before closing more than a couple times. We even rushed dinner in order to top it off with JoJo's and then walk on the beach as the sun was setting.

It was amazing and even as I write this I feel gratitude welling up. Gratitude to God for the impetus to go ahead with this trip when it seemed foolish. Gratitude to Hallack for working so hard providing us the resources to take a vacation like this. Gratitude to God Who is the source of all goods things - especially this family that means so much to me and with whom every day is a new adventure. May all your days be filled with joy - even when you're not in Kauai. Aloha

Getting Caught Up

Wow, it's been a long time since I last wrote - so much has happened and I'm trying to distill what has taken several weeks to transpire!

I've discovered a new joy - talking with young parents (or rather, parents of young children). I was asked to meet with a Christian community called the Ohana Project to talk about parenting. I sat down and reviewed all my parenting books, wrote down all the things I wished I'd known before I had kids and asked several people what their advice would be. The end result was a lot of wisdom from several sources and the discussion that happened after we ate together was precious. When I think about what made it so fruitful was that I started the evening with a cute video of Hannah and Bekah when they were two and three. They really were so very darling and when I look at the videos I wonder how I could ever have gotten mad at them? But as I confessed to the group that night, I did get mad at them - one time I even kicked a hole in the wall.

Ahhhhh, the hole in the wall story. Now I can think about it without overwhelming shame but that wasn't always the case. When it first happened it was like a wound in our home that I couldn't hide - I just had to face it. First I had to face the girls and admit how ridiculous I looked (they laughed). Next I had to tell Hallack what I'd done - he was gracious, as usual. When my brother came to visit, I had to tell him the story; when friends came to visit, I had to admit what I'd done. It was several months before we finally got it fixed and I remember it so clearly. Now I see it as a way to open up discussion and to let vulnerability make it safe to talk about how very difficult parenting can be. None of us do it perfectly - no matter how badly we want to. That isn't the only time I've lost it while parenting - just one of my more memorable ones.

So I got to use that formerly shameful experience in a way that I trust will bring grace to tired parents. Isn't that just like God? To take our brokenness and use it to show us grace and then allow us to use it to heal others! I don't like to be broken but I am and standing in the ever flowing grace of God allows me to be present with my brokenness and immediately healed. If I don't feel His forgiveness as I admit and confess my sin, it's not because He's not offering it. It's because I'm not accepting it. I've spent too many years judging myself and trying to measure up to an impossible standard. Now I just want to live in humility and allow God's Spirit to gently point out my sin so I can turn back to my Loving Father and accept His forgiveness through the sacrificial death of Jesus. Not cheap, but not complicated. Grace, ever present and near as my next breath, Grace.

Cullen

I'd like to introduce you to and request prayers for Cullen. This 14 year old boy is the son of a friend and his lungs are failing. He was holding his own for quite some time and had been put on the waiting list at Stanford for a lung transplant. They were waiting for his lungs to get much worse before they took this next step; a very difficult operation to save his life. That time appears to be coming and he will be going to Stanford next month. Life expectancy for a patient with a lung transplant is around 10 years. In addition, the quality of life of a lung transplant recipient is very compromised.

I'm asking you to fill up his prayer bowl with requests for healing. I continue to believe that God wants to heal him and that our prayers do make a difference. I'll keep you updated as to his status as the days go by. Standing on faith, Heidi

Standing Outside the Fire

We call them cool...those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
and risk the tables being turned

We call them fools ...who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
that always comes with getting burned

But you've got to be tough
when consumed by desire
cause it's not enough just to stand outside the bier

We call them strong...those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak....who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving
walking a wire
convinced it's not living
if you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire, standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning ....deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly...higher and higher
I can't abide, standing outside.......the fire

Standing outside the fire, standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire, standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire, standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Garth Brooks

Chap Clark

Last night Hallack and I attended a gathering of adults who care about teenagers and listened to Chap Clark give us a heads up on the adolescents of today. My head is swimming and I'm trying to process all that I learned. Chap is on the faculty at Fuller Seminary in Pasadena and wrote his doctoral dissertation on youth in todays culture. To do so, he spent a year at a high school and immersed himself in their lives. Much of what he discovered and also information from other sources has been included in a book called Hurt. I would have to say that accurately describes my heart as I listened to the culture that our teens are trying to survive. It's not like when we were teenagers, it's much, much more difficult. I am very involved in the lives of our kids and their friends and Ive seen some of what he articulated for us, but not all of it. Not nearly all of it. I realized that I have been viewing their experiences through the lens of my high school days - 32 years ago!

So how was my high school experience? I have to admit that I tend to think of those being my glory years but if I'm really honest they were some of the most driven days of my life. I was doing everything in my power to be recognized. And I was - but it was short lived. After I graduated I ended up at a community college while most of my friends went off to prestigious universities. I was so lonely and felt so lost - where was my identity now? God graciously intervened in my life and I encountered Him in new and unexpected ways...but that's another story. I'm grateful now for the lessons I learned during those two years but it was a long way to fall for a big fish from a small pond. Like I said, that was 32 years ago.

Todays teenagers have even more pressure to succeed and less support than we did. They struggle to find their place through "performance, conformity and image." They are growing up in a world that is changing rapidly (what used to take 100 years to develop was compacted to 10 years, then to 1 and now it's even faster than that.) The economic crises, environmental catastrophes, population explosion, wars and genocides are overwhelming for mature adults - how does the future look for teenagers? Not so good. And all the time we're telling them to make their mark. No wonder my oldest, achievement-oriented daughter says that she doesn't want to grow up. Who can blame her?

After spending some time this morning, grieving and repenting of the ways I've contributed to my kids pressure to perform, conform and have a pleasing image, I came to a place of grace. I came to a place of gratitude. I surrendered them, once again, to my Heavenly Father who knows and loves them better than I can even begin to fathom. I reviewed all the ways that He has been with them, called out to them, loved them and intervened in their lives. I have failed them many times but He has not. I also know that my choice to invest in their lives has not been in vain. They know how important they are to me - how deeply they are loved by both their parents. I came back to my favorite proverb -10:12b "love covers over all wrongs."

Saying Goodbye to Ben

How heartwrenchingly touching was the memorial service for Ben Towne today. University Presbyterian Church was packed, overflowing with those who've been touched by his story (mostly through the honest expressions of hope and pain by his mom - Carin.) The music was moving; the message by Pastor David Rohr was personal, encouraging and had room for both hope and pain. The tributes given by his aunt, uncle and then by his mom made us all weep. It was amazing and I'm so glad that the little boy who lived with such fierce determination and touched so many lives was honored in this way. The part that gave me the most hope was the benediction by Dave Rohr - several Scriptures spoken together from memory. Love messages from God to a crowded sanctuary of people who really needed to hear them. Glorious.



As I left the church and made my way home I couldn't help but think how sad it is for parents to lose their children. It's not the natural order of things and yet it happens all the time. Then I started thinking of all the parents around the world who are losing their children to war, famine, dirty water, and preventable diseases such as malaria. I also thought of the children who've lost their parents to AIDS, genocide and war. And what about the children who have to be sold into slavery in order to provide food for the rest of the family? Who weeps for these children? I used to be able to turn away from all this injustice by saying I have enough to deal with in raising my own children and serving in THE CHURCH. I can't do that anymore. The deaths of Palestinian children in UN schools are a tragedy. They don't deserve being used as pawns in the battles for power anymore than my children do. The images of parents wailing over their little bloody bodies tear at my heart. I want it to tear at my heart. I want it to tear at yours. The senseless deaths of children are a travesty to love - no matter where they are in the world. No matter who they worship or what culture they were born into. God is on the side of the poor, the widow, the orphan, the prisoner - the powerless. And that includes the grieving. And He's with us as we come alongside those in need. Their faces are His face, asking us to care, to reach out, to make a difference. Just as thousands have reached out to the Towne family, to help carry their pain, we need thousands upon thousands to reach out to the poverty stricken, the war-torn, the disease carrying. That's the call of Love, the call that heals us.

The Women of Burundi

The vision for the poor women of Burundi is beginning to come into focus. Thank you to all of you who have let your hearts be touched and have given support. Gloriose has just sent me another document of her plans to help the women and I have to say that it overwhelms me.....until I remember that this is God's work and not mine. He's been preparing Gloriose for this for a long time and so He has the timetable and the support worked out. I'm simply a messenger and a voice calling out for change. Here is what Gloriose wrote to me earlier:

Sister Heidi,
Thank you so much for what you are doing for your burundian sisters you do not know yet, yes I am praying for that and I am sure that if my vision comes from God, He must provides because it is his will.
Psalm 68:4-7.
Much blessing, Gloriose from Burundi.

I looked up Psalm 68:4-7 in The Message, it says this:
Sing hymns to God, all heaven, sing out, clear the way for the coming of Cloud Rider. Enjoy God, cheer when you see Him! Father of orphans, champion of widows, is God in His holy house. God makes homes for the homeless, leads prisoners to freedom, but leaves rebels to rot in hell."

I think the psalmist is talking about the kind of rebels who only have their own interest at heart; like the rebels who're causing so much trouble in the Congo so that they can control the wealth of that country. "Rebels for Jesus" fight against the status quo and have the interest of widows, orphans, homeless and prisoners in mind. You are a rebel when you give yourself (time and money) to those who need you. And they need you! So keep Gloriose in your prayers - God is up to something big with her and I can't wait to see what it is!

Love Letters From God

A New Year, a new opportunity to trust more deeply in God and discover His love for us. I've been praying for several years now to fall more deeply in love with Jesus. I know He's answering that prayer and that it brings Him delight. I've been praying it because I've seen a few people who have such a sweet relationship with Him that it permeates everything they do. And I want to have that same sweet relationship.

One way that I do this is to listen to love songs - any kind, and interpret them as love songs from God. Almost every song works (some need a little modification) and I think this is true because our longing for love comes from, and can only be finally fulfilled in, Jesus. So I put on my headphones, grab the dog and head into the woods. If no one else is around, I even sing out loud (occasionally I've been caught by another dog owner but I just grin and keep going). I usually put the ipod on shuffle and just trust God to order the songs I need to hear for that day. Some really delightful times of worship have come from this practice. And some humorous ones as well - I find that God has a really funny sense of humor.

Lately, my loving Savior has reminded me that the Bible is full of His love letters to us. I've known this for a long time but somehow the "duty" of reading my Bible, the preparing of lessons, or the academic study of Scripture took most of the joy out of it. I'm so grateful that I've rediscovered His Voice of love in His Word. I know that it really helps me to read The Message translation because it slips behind my familiarity with Scripture and enables me to hear the Word afresh. This morning I was feeling encouraged to read Ephesians and a verse popped out at me that has struck me before:
"God can do anything, you know-far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, His Spirit deeply and gently within us." 3:20

In my prayers, in His love letters, in the worship at Vineyard, in our walks in the woods, I know that His Spirit is deeply and gently at work within me and I am ever so grateful.