Seeing Dad Decline

It's been a rough couple of weeks in transition.  Dad and I are trying to make the best of every day but some days we just stumble through.  Earlier this week, I asked him if he wanted to go shopping with me and he said "yes, I haven't bought Ruth a Christmas gift yet."  I didn't say anything but was praying grace for him while aching inside.  He thought for a while and then said, "but Ruth is dead."  The dementia that is setting in is both a blessing and painful.  He is not nearly as grief-stricken as he would've been a year ago but he has to keep remembering that she's gone.  He just seems lost without Mom to anchor him.

I'm feeling sad, numb, overwhelmed and, at times, perfectly at peace.  Dad is also cycling through many emotions and I'm trying to balance giving him space to grieve with activity.  I know he needs both so I just try to give him options.  Thursday was a very difficult day because we went to pick up Mom's ashes.  He said he wants to keep them here because it's all he has left of her.  I had picked out a nice urn and as we unpacked it from the box we were both struck with the finality of the label which reads "the cremated remains of Ruth Marie Stoll."  He fell apart and cried himself to sleep.  I sat with him, praying, reading Psalms, listening to music and rubbing his back before he told me to "go join the other mourners."  I have noticed that time has lost relevance to him and sometimes he thinks Mom just "died yesterday."  I heard him cry out to God in the middle of the night and I went to check on him.  He seemed to be sleeping but I couldn't get back to sleep for a couple of hours.  I try to use those awake times to pray.  We are in God's care - I know it deeply and prayer helps me stay in a place of trust.  I continue to ask for prayer as I know that is what is holding us up.  Blessing on you as you hold loved ones close this Christmas.  In the Name of the One who left the peace of Heaven to bring us peace!

Missing Mom and Feeling Sad

Now that life has settled down, Dad and I are missing Mom.  I just said goodnight to him and we talked about how we miss her.  He keeps waking up at night and feeling for her.  I keep thinking of all the good and hard times from this past year and now I just feel sad.  Little things like taking the "check for kleenex" note off the washer, or realizing how much more room there is in the garbage (without all her depends)or filling Dad's pill container and seeing Mom's empty ones or visiting the doctor's office with Dad and letting him off at the front door alone...all these things make me ache.  At first the relief of not having all the care made me think I wouldn't grieve.  And then I thought that I'd only grieve the Mom I used to know.  Now I'm just sad about it all.  I miss her funny comments and I even miss her grumpiness.  I just miss her and I hurt for how much Dad misses her.  I don't wish she was back because I know she's whole, complete, fulfilled.  I just miss her.

It probably doesn't help that I've been reading through my blogs of the past year.  What a year it has been and how grateful I am that I didn't know 12/2/12 was her date with destiny.  I went to a "longest night" worship service and spent some time writing her a note.  I wept as I wrote how I wished I could've been totally patient with her.  You'd think that I wouldn't have any regrets since I took her in my home and cared for her so personally but I guess there's always room for improvement.  I know that this time with her was her final gift to me.  I learned so much and I did grow in many ways.  I also got to say goodbye to her in degrees.  Katherine (my caregiver counselor) says that it's like a long journey holding hands and you slowly let go.  As she fades away, I'm trying to love Dad in a way that honors her and respects him. 

So I'm thinking more about how important it is for us to look death straight in the face and live fully each day.  I'm watching Dad decline and know that I have another death to walk toward - besides my own!  He is failing mentally as well as physically and spent most of Tuesday thinking I was Mom.  We're trying to figure out how to make the most of each day.  Today we volunteered at the high school - helping hand out the fundraiser cookie dough.  I know he feels lost and so do I.  I am confident that God is in this and will give us the grace we need each day.  I read a quote today that speaks to our need to face death and I'll finish with it:
For any culture which is primarily concerned with meaning, the study of death - the only certainty that life holds for us - must be central, for an understanding of death is the key to liberation in life.

Stanislav Grof

Thinking of Africa - A Memorial to Honor Mom

Four years ago, I had just returned from Africa right before my 50th birthday.  I asked friends and family to help the desperately poor people that I had just left and from that was born a fund to give a boost to impoverished women in Burundi.  25 women were helped to start new businesses with that money and I also learned how difficult it is to oversee any project from so far away.  The past four years I've been learning how to "help without hurting" and doing my best to understand micro-finance (and which organizations do it well.)

During that trip I also had the delight of getting to know Steven and his wife, Providence, who care for a group of widows and a community of orphans in Rwanda.  (See earlier posts for more information.)  When I returned to Rwanda in 2010, we spent a good deal of time finding out about Steven's work and the best way to help them.  From that fact finding mission was born the non-profit, African Road.  This organization has worked with Rotary in Rwanda and in the USA to buy a piece of property, dig a well and build a community center.  It is not an understatement to say that life for Steven and all he cares for has changed dramatically.  The next step for this amazing organization is to build a house on the property for Steven, Providence and all the youngest orphans they care for.  From now until the end of the year, any money donated from new donors will be matched 2 to 1 with the goal of raising 30,000.00.  To date they've raised 14,000 and I thought it would be a fitting memorial for Mom to let people know about African Road (www.africanroad.org).  Thank you to those of you who've already donated and I encourage others to check out this opportunity as well.  A home for little ones - so very appropriate as a way to remember a woman who loved the little children. 

Memorial

Friday was Mom's memorial and the day was just as I hoped it would be.  There are so many people to thank that I think I'll be busy for at least a week writing thank you's.  Many, many friends stepped up and brought food - both for the reception and for the house afterwards.  Gail was amazing in all that she did and the pictures were her hard work and love on display.  My friend, Kris, took over managing the food at the reception and even made many of the sandwiches as her tribute to my Mom - what a lovely tribute.  John O'Neal had a wonderful message at the service and the Nauss family shared a beautiful rendition of "Children of the Heavenly Father."  The people who spoke shared tender, funny and moving memories and it made me realize (again) how much I've missed that Mom.  I think one of things I'll remember most is Will's loving video presentation of his Grandma.  He spent all day Thursday putting it together and it is one of the best that I've ever seen.  The flowers were stunning (Gail's company sent 4! beautiful bouquets) and all the pink/purple flowers reflected her favorite colors back to us.  Dad looked handsome in the new suit that Mark purchased for him and he seemed a bit bewildered.  I was glad that Adrienne came to help get him ready and stayed by his side the whole time.  He took strength from her presence and held up pretty well during the service.

Afterwards, the family came back to our house and we spent the evening enjoying each other's company.  About 35 of us!  Dad was pretty exhausted and first took a nap and later still wanted to retire early.  We took turns, going in to say "good night."  All in all it was a satisfying day and one that fully embraced the good memories of Mom.
 

She's Gone

I was going to wait to write this but I'm already a bit fuzzy on the timeline so wanted to capture as much of the bitter-sweetness of this time as I can.  Mom quit breathing about 3am Sunday morning.  I say about because Gail and I had both drifted off to sleep so we're not exactly sure of the time.  We had been taking turns sitting beside her, listening to her rattling breaths but assured by her calm facial expression that she was not in pain. We woke up at 3:30, realized that we'd missed her passing and at first I was upset but then I realized that she had picked the timing that was just right. She spared us those last lingering breaths that seem to stretch out interminably.  Just like Mom to leave us sleeping peacefully.

The whole timing of her death has had grace all over it.  I wasn't sure, when I asked Gail to come, if we really were close but it turned out it was "just in the nick of time."  Gail got here on Thursday (Mark brought her from the airport) and the hospital bed arrived just a couple hours later.  We had some EMT's move her because she was in pain and afterward began a regimen of morphine.  She was no longer able to speak and yet we could usually figure out if she needed water, was too hot or cold and if she needed more morphine.  On Friday she had a nice visit from dear friends (Floyd and Doris) and their pastor came up from Des Moines (during rush hour!) to bring them communion and prayer.  Mom seemed to be aware and appreciative.  Will and Corinna joined us in the evening and witnessed the communion and prayer- praying with us. We later spent the evening gathered around her bed, visiting and enjoying each other's company.  On Saturday morning, Mom's cousin, Susan came to visit and with Dad by her side, holding her hand, we passed the time reminiscing.  Later that day my sister-in-law and brother-in-law came to visit and they too had a chance to tell her goodbye and share good memories.  She was so much more alert on Saturday and stayed awake the whole day - that was a big change from her usual pattern.  Saturday night we had a birthday party planned for Ben who turned 15 on Monday.  I called all the parents to let them know that Mom was failing and while I didn't think she would pass during the party, I couldn't be sure.  The party was in a different part of the house so the ruckus could barely be heard in the living room.  The party ended at nine and Dad headed off to bed about the same time (but not before he did his darnedest to convince us that she wanted to come back to bed with him.)  A short time later, Mom's breathing changed and we could tell that her time was getting short.  We kept her comfortable and took turns sitting next to her, holding her hand and telling her we loved her.  Until we could no longer keep our eyes open.  And that's when she left us.  Sleeping peacefully.  I imagine that she lingered over each of us, maybe even kissed us gently as she had undoubtedly done countless times when we were growing up.  Our loving Mom, whole again.  From our side she went to John where he awoke and knew she had passed on.  He felt very comforted, told her goodbye and then fell into a deep sleep.  That's how we know she died shortly after 3.  John was the first to know.

While I'm sad, I'm finding it hard to wish that she was still here.   I'm so convinced that she's now in complete joy and reunited with so many loved ones.  It was the most difficult to go wake Dad up and tell him she was gone.  We called Adie and waited until she came down so that all three of us could comfort him.  His grief has been piercing and sporadic and I don't know how he's coping.  We have surrounded him with love - especially the first night when we gathered around his bed and prayed for him. So I do know how he's coping.  He has the prayer support of many people and the love of the Father who knows (more than any of us) the depth of this pain.  Thank you for your love and prayers and I ask that you continue as the weeks unfold.  With the deepest sense of gratitude, Heidi

On Being Weary

My sister Gail is coming to be with me for this final leg of the journey and today I know how timely her presence will be.  She wants to be with me as we say goodbye to Mom and I've struggled to say when that should be.  I mean, how can I predict?  I can't, but on Saturday morning (while praying about what to tell her) I had a strong sense from God that the time was right.  I actually got the image of Aaron holding up the arms of Moses and so I asked her to come.  She's coming on Thursday.

Today reaffirmed that decision due to the exhaustion I feel.  After the big holiday week with doctor's appointments for both girls, family visitors and the usual holiday traditions, I thought I'd be wiped out on Monday but it was actually a pretty productive day.  Ben got his braces off, I got more Christmas boxes unpacked and both the hospice aid and nurse came to visit.  Mom got a nice bath, and I talked over her care with the nurse.  I also cooked another turkey since we gobbled up all of the Thanksgiving one (pun intended). 

Today was a different story.  Mom was very agitated and I had a hard time getting her calmed down.  The usual pills were not working and I'm really having a hard time understanding her.  She tries to talk but it either doesn't make sense or is too quiet for me to catch.  She no longer wants her depends on and that can be a sign of coming to the end.  I'm also having a hard time getting her to take her pills and I'm having to weigh the costs of not giving her the ones we've limited her to.  Water is also a challenge as she so easily chokes and the mouth sponges don't seem to satisfy her.  All the more reason that I'm glad we've ordered her a hospital bed.  That is scheduled to be delivered on Friday but I might ask them to bring it earlier.  I talked with her about dying and was trying to encourage her with what is ahead.  That only made her cry and she didn't stop until Dad came in and started begging her to stay.  I think that's what she wants from me - to tell her that I don't want her to go.  I can't, in good conscience, say that.  I want her to leave this suffering and be whole again.  I'm worn out from trying to keep her comfortable and having her moan when I change her and change her bedding.  It has been a long gradual decline and I've been saying goodbye to the Mom I knew for so many months.  I will grieve when she goes but I'll also be glad for her and relieved.  This evening it hit me like a ton of bricks, that this very situation would have been the kind of thing I'd have called her to talk over and get advice on.  I'd have shared, honestly, about how hard this is and how I really want to do the right thing.  And she'd know just what to say.  Well that Mom has been gone for over two years and yet I've not been able to grieve her because she's still here - in body and in snippets of her personality (just not the ones I've admired) but rather the fearful and anxious parts.  She's still dear and sweet and we've had wonderful moments of tenderness but she's often demanding and self-centered (a common characteristic of the terminally ill.)  So I see that I'm tired from the journey thus far and am grateful for the providential gift of my sweet, smart and very capable sister.  Just in the nick of time.

Thankful

The day after Thanksgiving and although I'm very weary there is so much to be thankful for.  We had a full house with John, Alex, Jacob and Markus as well as Will, Corinna, Sam, Nick, Adriana and Joe.  A second generation extravaganza and with all the activity, Mom decided she wanted to get up!  Corinna and Alex got her into the wheelchair and she even fed herself (with a little help from me and Will.)  When she was ready to go to bed, Will was my excellent assistant and was invaluable as she started shaking and collapsed.  It clearly had been a great night but also pushed the limits.  She's been sleeping much of today.

The day before Thanksgiving while I was walking in the woods with the dogs, Josh Groban's song came on my ipod.  The music and the words filled my soul with hope and so I wanted to share the lyrics.  There is so much to be thankful for - Happy Thanksgiving!

Somedays we forget
To look around us
Somedays we can't see
The joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give.

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Look beyond ourselves
There's so much sorrow
It's way too late to say
I'll cry tomorrow
Each of us must find our truth
It's so long overdue

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And every day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Even with our differences
There is a place we're all connected
Each of us can find each other's light

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more

There's so much to be thankful for

This Place of Waiting

One of my favorite Dr. Seuss book's is called "Oh the Places You'll Go."  And right now I'm in what he would call, "the waiting place."  I have to disagree with Theo Geisel in one thing - that the waiting place is not "useless" as he said but rather rich and full of opportunities for growth.  Like a seed in the ground that is surrounded by dirt and fertilizer and dark.  I know that I'm a product of my culture and just want to move on from this place.  I think that I can and should always be able to make things happen and I'm uncomfortable finding out that I really cannot.  And that is a gift all in and of itself.

Thankfully I've been in waiting places before and God has used the time to heal and speak to me.  He reminds me that this place is pregnant with possibilities if I'll only quit struggling with my insecurities and imperfections.  If I'll take the time to really listen and observe and surrender to His grace and quit trying to earn His approval.  If I'll take each moment as a gift and not try to control it.  I'll admit that this is not my first inclination but oh so healing when I do.

Mom, Dad and I are in this waiting place together (along with the rest of the family but we are especially impacted by it.)  I don't want to rush this but I do find it uncomfortable.  I sometimes think I just want to know how long this will go on and then I realize what a gift it is not to know.  It forces me to live in the present and not focus on a specific moment in time marching upon us.  It makes each moment a gift, for it is the only one we have.

Mom has been eating a bit more and seems to really enjoy it so this could go on for quite awhile.  Visitors have been good for her and she's more responsive than she was a week ago.  I have to keep discovering that this journey has many twists and turns and is not predictable.  Mom has many hours of peace and relaxation punctuated by times of extreme agitation and fear.  I never know when they'll happen but often it's at night.  I'm so grateful for lorazepam - the drug that hospice has given me to calm her.  Lately it's been a bit harder to calm her enough to let the pill dissolve under her tongue but a calm voice and prayer spoken aloud helps all of us.  Dad tends to look on with bewilderment and I'm so impressed with his ability to stay present with her when she is out of her mind.  Together we try to surround her with love.  This is taking a toll on him but it's where he wants to be.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and more family will be here to celebrate and spend time with her.  She seems to be looking forward to it as long as I remind her that she doesn't have to do anything - just let us know what she does or doesn't want.  She perks up so much for visitors - I'm grateful for that. I continue to be grateful for the prayer and support that is holding us up.  And I'm letting go in this place of waiting.  Trust, wait and let go.  Wait, let go and trust.  Let go, trust and wait.  It's all grace.

The Final Stage

How quickly things can change and oh, what a week it has been.  Mom turned 87 last Tuesday - election night and I had a few family members over.  Mark, Adie, Will and Corinna and with all the emotions about the election and all the commotion, Mom just checked out and refused to join everyone at the dinner table.  Will and I fed her in her chair on the other side of the house and she pretty much withdrew into herself.  The next day she was up for just a little while and only in her wheelchair.  She has not been out of bed since.  Each time that we've tried she begins shaking uncontrollably and needs to lie back down.  So we've entered into the final stage.

Even saying that I find myself slipping back into denial.  Even though she's not had much more than a few mouthfuls of food for the past week and she's losing weight rapidly - I find myself thinking that this will go on indefinitely.  And it may last for awhile but not indefinitely.  She sleeps almost all the time and is less and less responsive.  Dad and I are kind of at a loss at what to do.  He went to bed early last night so that he could snuggle up next to her and I encouraged it.  He either disappears into a book or sleep or withdraws into himself and I feel powerless to help him.  I'm trying to be comfortable with just being with him and not having to talk much but that is not my strength.  Words are my comfort zone, just as they always have been for Mom which is why her sudden lack of speech is so eery.  My comfort is in letting go and seeing that I really have no control over this.  I feel numb and pretty much paralyzed.  I'm so grateful that my caregiver counselor was scheduled to meet with me yesterday and she was so helpful.  She encouraged me to get out of my head and to be in touch with my body.  I tend to live in my head so this was a good reminder...not that I've done much about it just yet.

So now it is time to let the rest of those who love Mom know that she's in her final stage.  I asked her if there is anyone she wants to see and she said "no."  That is typical of the phase that she's in and so anyone who comes to say goodbye will not get much from her - she is processing her own death and is not so concerned about the rest of us.  This is how it should be.  I do ask for prayers for her to enter into her new life with peace, joy and a deep awareness of God's Presence and Love.  I ask that you remember Dad who will grieve her death with the deepest kind of pain.  I ask for prayers for wisdom and patience as we journey this last segment of her life together.  I am trying not to judge how I'm feeling or not feeling and my prayer this morning was to lay back in the current of God's love as we travel these uncharted waters.  Thanks be to God for His unending mercy and love.

This New Season of Cycles

Mom just opened her eyes while sitting in her reclimer with the sweetest smile on her face and said, "we're so glad you could stop in and see us.  I'm Ruth and this is Bob and who are you?"  That took me aback for a moment but I just told her I was Heidi and glad to see her.  She then drifted back off to sleep and then woke back up and said she needed to be leaving soon because she had to go grocery shopping.  Without constantly asking if she knows where she is or who she is (something I've been doing less of) I'm never quite sure what is going on with her.  However, I'll take the sweet Mom over the one who showed up yesterday.....

Daylight savings must of goofed them both up a bit because Mom woke up Dad at 3 in the morning and made him get her up.  At 4am, he came to our bedroom door, fully dressed and after having fixed himself a hamburger bun with butter on it.  I asked him why he'd done that and he said because he was up so it must be time to eat.  Yikes!  What if he'd tried to cook his eggs?!  Well, I finally got them to go back to bed (he'd helped her go to the bathroom and then get into her recliner) and I crashed on the couch near their room for a couple more hours.  I did hear her talking at him for quite awhile.  Dad got up around 7:30 and at that point Mom was an emotional wreck.  She was convinced that Dad hated her and couldn't wait to get away from her.  She was certain that he was leaving her and was almost unconsolable.  The angry/sad Mom.  When I told her she was loved and in a safe place, she got angry and said "I don't believe you!"  Thankfully, I've learned how to stay loving and peaceful when she's like this and often she needs a bit of food or to go back to bed with Dad lying beside her.  I also pray for her (both quietly and out loud) as she's emoting such strong feelings.  A hug and a kiss on her head also tend to take the venom out of her words and make her grateful once again.

The challenge is that she's cycling through her emotions, several times a day.  This is a symptom of Lewey body.  A grace in the midst of all of this is that she's sleeping more so the times I have to deal with her crazy cycles are not as prolonged.  I've been told to let her do what she wants and when she gets into bed with a big happy sigh of delight...well, how can I make her stay up?  (as long as they're not up in the middle of the night!)

Two hospice chaplains came to visit today and Mom drifted in and out of wakefulness.  Dad got to talk quite a bit and that was enlightening for me.  He's so quiet most of the time (while Mom talks almost all the time she's awake) that I don't often know what's going on in his head.  He repeated several stories right in a row.  When asked why he moved to Seattle, he pointed to me and said we came out to visit her.  Then he asked me, "were you married then?" So he must've had me confused with his sister, Gertie.  He also told Dennis (one of the chaplains) that the Thomas Kinkaid painting on the wall was Grandpa's church that Thomas had painted for him.  No wonder he's no longer combing his hair or shaving unless I remind him.  He's slowly losing out.

I'm actually doing pretty well for the time being.  I got to preach on October 28th and I'm helping with a parenting class on Friday nights.  I'm getting a massage once or twice a month and that's helped tremendously.  It gives me life to get out on a regular basis so Corinna has been an absolute gift from God.  I'm so thankful for her loving attention to her Grandparents.  I feel so blessed to be able to care for Mom and Dad with all the ups and downs.  I'm still completely convinced that this is God's call upon my life.  Life is always an adventure when you're "just doin what God wants!"

Stephanie's Visit

I finally called hospice and had a nurse come to evaluate our situation.  I knew that Mom isn't quite ready for it but I felt led to have someone come and give me advice.  Stephanie breezed in on Tuesday afternoon and was such a breath of life for me.  As we stood talking in the living room, Dad slept through her entrance (with the dogs barking) our talking and her introduction to Mom.  So when we went into the family room, her first concern was...Dad.  "What's his story?" is what she wanted to know.   As we talked and I filled her in, I told her that I think he is facing the reality of their situation and is choosing to let go of life rather than have to face the future without Mom.  She said that I was probably right and that Dad may very well go first.  Even though I've been watching him decline, this was a new thought for me.  Of course, neither of us knows for sure but it has helped prepare me for a possibly different scenario than the one I've been picturing.  After telling me repeatedly how great this living situation is for the folks - "as good as it gets"; she left me with the invitation to call her at any time.  What an amazing gift that time with her was and right when I needed it.  She affirmed my choices and instincts for Mom and Dad and left me with the assurance that all is well.

So I have a deeper sense of peace and trust that God will continue to provide what we need, just when we need it.  I can tell that I'm in a deeper place of acceptance for all of us.  Hard earned and so much easier to function in than when I was fighting reality.  As the folks get more childlike, I find myself functioning with them in many of the same ways that I did with our children.  For instance, when I brush Mom's teeth, I often say "big, wide open" which is exactly what I used to say when I brushed the kids' teeth!  I've now started to say to Mom, "do you know how much I love you?" and follow it up with "but who loves you more than even me?" To which she responds "God", just like the kids did.  I'm not quite there with Dad because he is still mentally much more alert but I won't be surprised when we get to this stage (and I'm thinking now that it may be sooner than later.)

I'm sure that I'll most likely have setbacks and days of denial but remembering how far I've come will help bring me back to acceptance (I trust.)  I'll finish by saying how grateful I am for the beautiful fall that we've had with day after day of sunshine.  I know the rain is coming but I will rejoice in the gift that each sunny day has been and will be.

 

Dad has a walker!

There is a new contraption in sitting in our living room - a beautiful blue walker.  Gail came for a visit last week and was able to convince Dad that a walker would really help him.  Then they picked out a really nice one with four wheels, brakes, basket and a seat.  He used it on his trip to the library this week and even made his arms tired (a good sign!)  I'm so grateful for Gail's ability to come in and make suggestions that help us all function better and then actually get it done.   I now find myself in the hilarious position of traffic controller since getting them in and out of the bathroom and bedroom takes a little maneuvering.

As grateful as I am that Dad has some relief for his left foot; I find myself struggling with the reality of how much he has failed this year.  This is where I run smack dab into my deepest desire to still play god.  As I see him mentally failing and bewildered over Mom's condition, I find myself wanting to fix things.  When I see them both sleeping more frequently and our house feels more like a nursing home, I have to ask myself, "what did you expect?"  Now with Dad succumbing to the need for a walker (one that he fought for so long), I cannot deny how much they are failing.  The evidence is parked right in front of me. 

I just started reading a new book from the library called "The Art of Dying and Living."  I can tell that it's going to be another timely read that will help me in this journey toward death (both my own and those of Mom and Dad).  I live with impending death (we all do but it has moved in with us in a more imminent manner) and yet I can still keep "death-denial" alive.  It is amazing to me how I can continue to expect Mom and Dad to get stronger and better.  Where does that come from?!  I have no doubt that this is changing me in powerful ways and I'm still very grateful for this opportunity.  I choose to embrace the quote from the first chapter of the book: "keep death and judgement always in your eye; none's fit to live but who is fit to die."  This is my challenge and one of the many gifts that have come with caring for Mom and Dad.

Conversation with Mom

I've been in to see Mom several times this morning...to give her pills, talk with her about getting up and each time she has sent me away. Nay, begged me to leave her and I have done so even though she is wet (and that is usually motivation for her to get up.) This last time she told me that she wants to get out of here. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Where do you want to go?
Mom: To my own house where I won't be bossed around every minute of every day.
Me: Are you ready to take care of yourself? Make your own meals?
Mom: Um hmmm
Me: What is it that you don't like about being here?
Mom: Well none of us are happy, doesn't that make you feel bad?
Me: I know it's hard for you to not be in control. Do you know that I love you?
Mom: Not really, it doesn't seem that way.
Me: Well I do love you and I hope you can trust that I'm taking care of you in the best way I know how. Do you know who you are?
Mom: I don't think so.
Me: Do you know who I am?
Mom: No.
Me: Well how about I come back in about 40 minutes and then we'll get you into something dry?
Mom: I suppose so.
Me: Are you warm enough?
Mom: Not really (at which point I covered her up and let her settle back into sleep.)

It always helps to remember that she's not really herself and doesn't really know where she is when she's angry and somewhat mean. How hard it must be for a woman who was always so in control of her life to be out of it! I go back and forth between wanting to let her have her way and then making decisions that I think are for her best. Should I just leave her in bed all day? Is that really what she wants? Do I quit getting her up to go to the bathroom and for meals and to go out for her doctor's appointments? Am I prolonging her life for selfish reasons? Really, I'd like some help with this! Perhaps it really is time for a hospice evaluation and for both Dad and me to let her go. I appreciate all prayers in regards to this. She really deserves to live out her last days in the ways that bring her the most peace. When I told the caregiver counselor that Mom said 'I only want to do what pleases me' she said to me "good for her!" I'm learning to look at it that way as well.

The Unbanked

Yesterday I heard a broadcast on NPR about the unbanked and read it again in the Seattle Times today.  In it the FDIC recommends to banks that "poorer Americans could be good customers, and their numbers are growing." 

This took me right back to a time nearly two years ago where I was walking in the woods and came across some papers.  I looked them over to see if they were important and was shocked at what I found.  First thing I noticed was a stack of expired lottery tickets and then a pawn ticket as well as a receipt from Aurora Loans.  What was so shocking was the terms of the loans.  Bear in mind that this is what is charged to people who have very limited income, no credit and dream that a lottery ticket will be their way out of poverty.

For the pawn shop (for which a set of golf clubs was left) the loan amounted to $60 with an upfront cost of $14.75.  That is a apr of 136.88% - not a mystery since it's listed right on the paperwork.  In order to retrieve the clubs, the owner would have to pay $77.50 in 30 days or $80.25 in 60.  If the clubs are not retrieved within 60 days they still have to pay the interest of $20.25 and lose the rights to reclaim the property.

As shocking as those terms are, they paled in comparison to Aurora Loans which financed $40 with a $19.75 finance charge (a %200.24 apr)!  This loan has been secured due to the "pledged goods" of a .22 rifle.  Since the maturity date is 90 days, if the loan is repaid within 30 days the finance charge drops to $15.25 but the kicker is that if it's not repaid within 90 days, the loan will need to be rewritten for another $19.75.  It doesn't take a financial wizard to figure out that a person desperate for money can get caught and drown in debt very quickly.

This underscored for me the importance of microfinance (which Muhammad Yunis first began with Grameen banks in India).  Microfinance has had success with the poorest of the poor around the world, some of whom pool together their resources and then make loans to each other.  It is very empowering for many reasons but one in part is the self respect that comes with handling moderate funds and paying them back with a reasonable interest rate.  I've wondered, in the past two years, whether or not this is something that communities of faith should be doing for one another.  When I was in Rwanda in 2010, I heard of a group of women who microfinanced themselves to a combined networth of $800,000.  Talk about being empowered!  Contrast that with overseas organizations that continually look to America to meet all their financial needs.  Contrast that also to the single mom trapped in the vicious cycle of poverty who's been told time and again that she'll never amount to anything.  I think the time is now for the people of God to come together and help people find their inherent giftedness by God.  We need to quit playing god to the people who come to us for help and lead them to the One who made them and sees them as the "unrepeatable miracles" that they are.  We need to ask them what their strengths are and what they think they need.  And this can only happen in the context of an equal relationship - one where both parties kneel before the gracious God who loves and has given each of us all that we have.  They need this and so do we.

Coming up on a year....

I'm asking for prayers since I'm facing the fall with a bit of depression. I
met with a caregiver counselor and she said that I probably need
anti-depressants. The way she described my situation - like a car that is
trying to run with a rundown battery made sense to me. I am low on serotonin
and it's hard to even get started to do the things that help give me joy. I made an appointment for both Dad and me to go see our doctor and get some medical help.

I've noticed a trend with me...when I'm feeling lonely or overwhelmed and sometimes in despair I often go to Facebook. First to see how the girls are doing but once there, I get hooked by the postings I see. And then I do a dangerous thing - I repost articles that lean toward the left. My thought is always that if I post a particularly compelling article that some of my really radical right leaning friends will rethink their positions and we can come more toward center. A wrong thought in this political climate. So then I go back to a place of faith and hope and trust. Will either political party determine the future of our country or is God really God? I shudder to think what our future will be like if greed and hatred really are the driving forces. Not convinced that a democrat agenda will be the answer but, for me, it really is the lesser of two evils. Finally I have to say that my trust does not rest in a political party or a country but in the God who created this amazing world we live in. A God who loves not only me (and those who look and think like me) but every single global citizen. I refuse to let any election, any crisis or my own personal situation drag me away from that Truth.

I had a good talk with Dad last night after a pretty rough evening with Mom. One where she was sobbing, confused and wanting to go home. It does no good to try and reason with her so I simply sat, held her hand and prayed for her. I ended up putting her to bed even though it was only 5pm because she simply was too distraught. Dad lay down with her for awhile and then got up to talk with me. He is sad and trying to face the reality of her situation - a very brave thing to do. We are going to see Mom's neurologist this week and perhaps Dad should sit in on that appointment just to get a better sense of what is happening with her.

Here are some of the latest developments with Mom:

-she's taken to avoiding the cracks in the floor unless I remind her that it will not "break her mother's back."

-she no longer seems to be able to tell whether or not she's really hungry and always says she is, even after finishing a substantial meal.

-she has begun calling me "mommy"

-I've had to increase her seroquel (anti psychotic medicine) to three times a day instead of two

-her words increasingly come out wrong although I can usually make sense of what she's saying (ie "I need to let the picks go to will" actually meant "pills go to work.")

-she's often agitated and either scared or angry - the movie "A Beautiful Mind" keeps surfacing in my thoughts even though I don't know if it actually fits. Perhaps I need to watch it.

So that's some of my ramblings for today. I'm starting to pray for God to take her home sooner rather than later for she seems so unhappy. I do believe that she will go in the "fullness of time," and my job is to care for myself, Dad and her as best I can each day. A lot more daunting of a task than this time a year ago but the same call nonetheless. Here's to a year almost come to a close - a year that I'm sure has impacted me in ways I can barely understand. And for that I am very, very grateful.

On Being Mom's Mom

It is my practice to start the day by checking in with Mom on where she is, who she is, who I am and I get a variety of responses.  Often she's in Wenatchee, once in a while Milwaukee or DeWitt and these days she's been saying "your house."  Which is right but then she has some wild ideas about who I am.  For awhile I was Alex or Hallack (interesting how she can come up with our spouses' names but not ours), but once I was Kira(with a long i) and Aga (which she spelled out for me -
A-G-A).  When I ask her what our relationship is, she usually knows that I'm her daughter but the day I was Kira, I was her professor (which I thought was flattering and told her so.)  She laughed at that. 

The one that she's said to me twice now is "you're my mom."  The first time she said it, I thought for a moment and then answered, "yes, yes I am."  And I think I embraced it completely for the first time.  Our roles have completely reversed and she is no longer my cheerleader, mentor, advice giver and biggest fan but rather my very dependent responsibility.  The mom I used to call when my life was crashing down around me now needs me to walk her through an incredibly scary time in her life.  Life is so unfamiliar and not much makes sense to her anymore.  The first time she called me Mom, I asked her how old she was and she said 20, another time she said 13 or 14.  My sister Gail says that maybe she is regressing and will be an infant soon.  I don't know, it could be (although this morning she said 1300!)  In the book, "Final Gifts", the authors (who are hospice nurses) say that a person who is failing is much more aware of where they're at and if we listen they will tell us.  I'm listening and am confident that however long this lasts, that God gives me grace to love and grow in the midst of  it all.

Dad has been failing as well - and I ask myself, "what do you expect from a man who is 93?"  It's still hard to see him sleeping more and more and struggling to walk.  He really should have a walker but he refuses.  Now when we go anywhere, he needs my arm to lean on and yesterday, when we went to the library, he used the scooter they provide.  I offer it to him each time we go but that was the first time he took me up on it.  I'm happy to say that he negotiated the aisles of books pretty well.  I didn't think about that until he got on it and started to head for the racks.  The humorous part was that he can't hear over the sound of the motor very well and I found myself trying to whisper loudly.  Have you ever tried to do that? 

It's hard for me not to take responsibility for his failing because I struggle to meet his needs and Mom's at the same time.  He really should get out more but she resists.  He's also showing signs of dementia - forgetting to brush his hair, putting shirts on backwards, forgetting where his hearing aids are (even when they're in his pocket) etc.  Last week I took him to a friend's neighborhood pool and he flashed the pool while showing me he didn't have pants on under his towel.  I don't think anyone got a show because he had a shirt on that covered everything.  At least I hope so.  I didn't look but made him cover up right away.  YIKES! Again, I have to trust in God's grace to navigate each of these new twistings and turnings.  I still think they're better off with me than in any facility full of well meaning but overworked attendants.  Today, I'm going to take them to a church rummage sale where they're serving lunch.  It happens to be a church where I'll be the guest preacher on Sunday.  I'm really looking forward to having this opportunity and I want to see where I'll be.  And it will be good for them to get out for awhile.  So off I go to start the process of getting Mom up.  A daily exercise in patience and persistent kindness - one we are managing with humor and grace.  Most of the time!

Winsome Holiness

Last night I went to a dinner and talk at Hallack's church.  My former SPU professor was the speaker and I was intrigued by his topic: winsome holiness.  He spoke on I Peter and I was struck by his urgent message to "live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day He visits us." 

And this brought me to the place of clarity about what bothers me in the whole Chick-Fil-A debate.  It is that speaking out and standing in lines and taking a stand against gay marriage does nothing to build the kingdom of God but rather further divides us as a nation.  I'd much rather we were putting all our efforts into loving our neighbor as ourselves and I don't know anyone who couldn't be challenged in this area.  I do believe that there is a place to talk about sexual purity - for heterosexuals and homosexuals but you have to earn the right to do so.  Our children desperately need to know what healthy, God given sexuality looks like - not what they see in the movies, on TV and hear about in the locker rooms but we have to be involved in their lives.  The old saying "people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care," comes to mind. 

I'm really tired of all the line drawing that we do in this country;  politically and religiously.  It seems as though you can't say anything without someone trying to peg where you stand and put you into one camp or another.  I have people that I love and care deeply about on both ends of the spectrum and I just want to be the donkey that Jesus rides in on, for all of them.  I don't know how we've gotten so unbalanced when it comes to Jesus' wonderful teaching in the sermon on the mount but I know that we have.  His words to us on prayer, fasting, loving our neighbors, not worrying, putting the kingdom first (and not storing up treasures) and also not judging (lest we be judged) are not the outstanding markers of His Church in America.  I grieve that our wonderful message of love and forgiveness gets lost in all our bickering, our greed, and our self righteousness. 

I guess I'll end by saying that being home with my parents and wrestling through my brokenness has led me to a deeper sense of my need for God.  And how hard it is to embrace humility.  And how gracious He is to take me day by day through my ups and downs and yet never gives up on me.  Love never fails - oh that this would be the mark of His Body in all the World.  His never ending love.

Mom's happy mood

I just have to stop for a moment and talk about how Mom is doing.  She is so much happier since our vacation (during which, Gail and Adie took care of  them.)  She is still quite confused but she finds it funny.  And her attitude is so much easier for me to deal with.  This morning as she was waking up, I was sitting on her bed and stroking her face.  As I often do, I asked if she knew where she was and who she is, I am, etc?  Today she told me she is Ruth Hinck and that she's 20 years old.  I told her she was actually 86 and she just laughed.  "Really?"  she said and I responded, "isn't it funny how you feel like a young person inside but you just keep getting older?"  "I can hardly believe how old I am!"  Later, as I was getting her ready to take her shower she said to me, "I like it when you call me Mom even though I know I can't be."

Hallack just asked me why I think things are better since our vacation and I told him I think it's a combination of things.  One, my attitude is so much better and I find that Mom responds to my mood as I do to hers.  So, if she wakes up cheerful, it's easier for me to be patient/gentle/kind and then she responds to that with gratitude.  I do remember that there have been times when I've been patient/gentle/kind and she was grumpy and miserable so it's more than just my attitude.  Secondly, I think she had a good time with my sisters but she really did miss me.  Finally, I think this is a new phase that she's in and I am just grateful for it.  And I know it might not last.  Probably won't.  Today, I'm going to enjoy her generally happy state of mind and make the most of it.  And I'm going to really clean their room because it needs it.

A quick trip to Oregon - Hannah is home!

I'm back from a last minute trip to Oregon.  Hallack thought I needed to get away for a couple of days and it turns out he was right.  It's been a "hellava" week.  First I need to say how grateful I am for a husband who really sees me, wants the best for me and sometimes even knows what that is before I do!

It started last week when Joelle Thomassen was given about a week to live.  Joelle was my sister-in-law's mother-in-law and a lively member of our holiday gatherings.  She had been fighting lung cancer and was getting ready to have chemo when they discovered that the cancer had spread all over her body.  What a shock to go from thinking about treatment to preparing for death in a matter of moments.  She spent an amazing 8 days on the 12th floor of Swedish surrounded by family and friends who loved her and she took her final breath on Friday morning.  I took Bekah to say goodbye on Thursday and told her that I'd be back with Hannah on the following day (who was returning from Ecuador that night.)  We were on our way down to Linfield so that Hannah could see all her running buddies that she'd been missing for the past 4 months.  When I found out that she wanted to be in Oregon by one o'clock, I almost cancelled our visit to Joelle.  After all, that meant we'd have to be there by 8:30 or 9!  I had Hannah call to see what my sister-in-law thought but she said to go ahead.  That is why we had the extreme privilege of being two of the last people to see Joelle alive.  Scott and Cheryl (her son and daughter) had been awake with her all night and her breathing had slowed to the point that we almost thought she had gone while we were standing around her bed.  We got to hold her hand, tell her we loved her and I prayed with her.  It was so peaceful and beautiful and went a long way toward alleviating my concerns about doing this with Mom and Dad.  We left after about 30 minutes and before the hour was up we got the text saying she was gone.  I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that truth so I can only imagine how difficult this has been for her sweet husband, Norm, her children, grandchildren, sisters and the rest of her big extended family.

On the Wednesday before, I got an email telling me that my cousin had passed away and a memorial service is scheduled for this Thursday.  I plan on going and taking Dad with me because Sandi was his sister's child and I think it will be really good for him.  Mom will not want to go because she barely wants to get out of bed.  The next day after finding out about Sandi, I heard that the son of my pastors at Vineyard Community Church had passed away.  Ben was in his mid thirties with a wife and two small children.  He also had been battling cancer and in his case it had gone on quite a while with all the ugly side effects that treatment brings.  Finally, I have been getting reports about a 17 year old named Josh who is one of my nephew's best friends.  Josh has been fighting cancer for over two years and is now nearing the end of his battle.  He took 5 radiation treatments in order to shrink the tumors in his head enough so that he can make one last trip to Hawaii with his parents and friends.  The last I heard they left yesterday so I'm praying for a memorable and enjoyable trip for all.  Death has been all around me the last week and it has been weighing me down.

The final straw didn't actually land on my pile until the drive home yesterday.  That is when I took a moment to call my spiritual director, Julie Anderton.  Julie has been in my life for the past seven years and has taught me how to really hear from God.  She sat with me through some of my darkest days and brought the light of Jesus to places of despair.  I'd heard she was having memory troubles so I called to check in with her.  What she said knocked the wind out of my sails.  She told me that she has Alzheimer's and that it's progressing rapidly.  In fact, she had friends who'd come to help her pack and get her on an airplane to join her sisters on a final trip to England.  She said that she was glad I'd called because she wanted to say goodbye to people who'd been important to her before she no longer remembered them.  I'm weeping now just as I did when I hung up with her and when I called her later to say how important she has been to me.  The sadness of Julie's situation brings home to me the despair I fight daily of living with someone who's no longer the same person.  Julie's attitude underscored why she has been such a powerful influence on my life.  She was rejoicing in all the people surrounding her and was looking at the future with a light heart and gentle acceptance.  I feel the pain of this loss (even though she's not been a regular part of my life for a couple of years) partially because Mom's attitude is so opposite.  She can be very difficult to work with and is often demanding, frustrated, or complaining.  I don't know how Julie will be as the disease progresses but I'm hopeful that her sweet spirit will prevail.  Either way, dementia is a cruel way to lose someone and I'm just a little envious of how neatly Joelle's life has ended (as if death is ever neat!)  At the same time I recognize that though she got to say goodbye to everyone and had very little discomfort there is no such thing as a good death.  It's all hard and wrong on this side of eternity.

On this side of eternity we have to look beyond the pain to the bright hope of new life.  On this side of eternity I weep for all the losses and the people drowning in their grief but I choose to have faith that this will all day make sense when we are birthed into a new life.  I reread the book "Final Gifts" a couple weeks ago and passed it on to Joelle's family last week.  The timing was undoubtably providential as it helped all of us understand this passing as we read the stories of many who'd already made the journey.  If you have eyes to see and hearts open you know that a new life is beckoning and loved ones are waiting.  None of us make this final journey alone and that gives me great hope.

So I enter back into my routine here with Mom and Dad;  saddened by the losses and  recognizing my battle with depression.  I choose to lift my eyes up and see from "whence cometh my help."  I'm very grateful that I have Bekah home and (after taking care of her grandparents while I was gone) she really gets it.  She told me that she understands my feelings of depression and being isolated.  She did a wonderful job and I couldn't be more proud.  She handled it all - messes, meals and motivation (all with Hallack nearby) and I can't believe that she was willing to take it on for my sake.  I also know that this was a defining moment for her and will continue to shape her into the woman of God she is becoming.   God is GOOD.  I'll close with something Julie has said that has been a lifeline to me these past 7 years - "God is terribly efficient, He uses absolutely everything for your good."  I've experienced this in the past so I cling to it now.  His grace IS sufficient.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today is Dad's 93rd birthday so he got up, took a shower and put on his dress slacks and tie.  I thought it was in honor of his special day but he said he thought it was Sunday!  Another sign that he's slipping (that and the fact that he took Mom's pills this morning - yikes!)  It has been a really good day full of cards, calls and flowers/chocolates from Gail.  I took him this morning for a pedicure and in a couple hours we'll head up to Marysville to meet up with Adie for dinner.  All in all a great day.

Mom had a visit from the memory tester that works with the UW.  18 years ago, Mom signed up to have her memory monitored and since it hadn't been done for two years, she was due.  Sheila asked her a bunch of questions which Mom completely failed.  For instance, she asked her to name as many 4 legged animals as she could and her answer was "1948."  Actually her answer for everything was either 1948 or 1958 no matter what Sheila asked.  Even I didn't know how much her memory retreival had slipped.  After 5 minutes or so, Sheila talked with me privately and said "what has happened in the past two years?"  She said she'd not seen anyone slip so rapidly and thought this was more than Parkinsons.  I'll have a chat with her case manager and then they'll send me a neurologist.  I'm looking forward to hearing what he has to say about her, and he will be someone vested in really understanding what is going on with her.  Not like her current neurologist who is almost always 30-60 minutes behind schedule and who talks with us for 15 minutes and then gets up to walk us out the door.  I'm not sure he has any real idea of what's going on with Mom.  He means well and he is the one who wrote the prescription for hospice evaluation but he certainly doesn't have the motivation to really evaluate what is going on with her.  So I look forward to the experts from the Group Health/UW memory study and I'm very grateful that I have this gift of additional help.

Having a Baby? Sarai revisited :0)

An email to my brother, Greg:
Thanks for checking in with me...life has been pretty tough these days and I'm realizing how much I need to have regular breaks. Thankfully, Bekah is home for the next four months and she'll be a great help to me in so many ways. I don't have her clean up Mom's messes or handle the bathroom at all but it's really good to be able to walk the dogs, go for a bike ride or run to the grocery store. I've gotten pretty depressed the past month or so with Mom's decline and my isolation so I really need to build myself up and not get to this place again. The respite care has been harder to arrange than I thought but I now have a really nice woman from Nepal who comes for 6 hours on Thursdays. She's been for the last 3 weeks and that has been a huge relief. She seems to handle Mom really well - even her psychotic episodes.

 Mom is less and less connected with reality. I took Dad to church this morning and afterwards we went in to check on Mom (she was still in bed.) She told me she was really exhausted from taking a shower (yeah, right) and then she asked Dad if he was overwhelmed with the thought of a new baby at their age. She often has a baby in bed with her....ah well. Dad handles it really well but it's taking it's toll on him too. At least we haven't had the really crazy episodes where she tries to rip her clothes or grinds her teeth or even tries to bite me! Sad to see her so not like herself...I don't want to be like this for my kids. When I'm well rested and taking care of myself, it's all good but I've let myself get run down. I have plans to pull myself together this summer. Gotta plan a vacation sometime soon!

Bekah comes home!

Bekah is on her way home from college and will be here for the next 4 months!  I can't begin to say how much I look forward to her being here and to having another caregiver in the home.  My plan is to work out a schedule so that I can get back into regular exercise and outings away from the home.  I still feel really fragile and need to be proactive in my own care.  I have also been thinking this would be a good time to get Dad out more and I will try to do that.  At the same time, I realize I may be projecting my needs onto him.  I asked him this morning what he'd like to do and he said "just exist."  He's said that to me before and I thought he was depressed but today he said he's content to just be here with Mom.  And read his books.  She's content to spend most of her day either in bed or napping in her chair.  And I'll be much more content when I have some structure in my life.

Expectations are...

resentments waiting to happen.  With that little piece of wisdom in mind I try not to have expectations that involve Mom doing something she doesn't want to!  So Easter and yesterday, I asked Mark to come and stay with her so Dad and I could make it to church.  That worked beautifully and we had two wonderful worship services together.  Then in the evening, Mark stayed with both of them while Hallack and I went to a gathering of the new church plant we're a part of.  What a gift he is to me in this "parenting our parents" adventure.

While at the gathering, I had a nice chat with a couple who had spent their weekend having a garage sale.  They said that they did really well and were busy the whole time (which has not been my experience with garage sales!)  As they reflected on why, they noted that "people are really hurting," and that this was a way for them to socialize, shop, share their stories and pick up a trinket or two.  This morning I was reading in the paper about a woman who's putting together a big garden in her yard so that she can give back to the community.  She was helped by Home Depot and some Catholic youth in the process and said that it "countered the stinginess of the era." 

Both of these stories reminded me of what I think is the golden opportunity for followers of Christ during this age of need.  I believe that the cutbacks in government aid give us another chance to do what Jesus commanded us to do:  "to love others as ourselves."  The problem is that many established churches are so busy running the club, maintaining the facilities and paying the salaries of the professionals that there is little left to give to hurting people.  In fact, churches themselves are feeling the pinch as people feel that they have less to give and so the push is on to get "more givers in the pews."   As someone who's been one of those professionals and married to another, I realize that this can be a frightening time.  At the same time, I can't help but get excited at the possibility of shedding the old way of doing things and embracing something new.  What if we focused on the needs around us and trusted that God will take care of our needs?  This might mean Pastors who are tentmakers and either sharing our facilities with others or abandoning them altogether.  I prefer making proactive choices now rather than waiting until congregation after congregation dies a slow death.  Do we have the faith to do so or will we continue to put more and more effort into propping up church as we've always known it?  I no longer have the energy or desire to keep the club going.  I do have a lot of passion for seeing God's people meet the needs of their hungry neighbors in all ways:  physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Not so that they'll join my club but just because that's what Jesus asks us to do.  Exciting times are ahead and I, for one, refuse to give in to fear but choose to have hope in what God is doing in our midst.  Fear Not!

The Third Step in Medications

Several months ago, Mom's neurologist and I talked about three steps in medication to address her mental challenges.  The first step was to increase Aricept which is a drug used for Alzheimer's patients and that worked for a while.  She really did connect with reality on more of a regular basis.  The next step was to change her anti-depressant and that had relatively little impact so last week we enacted phase three - seroquel.  This is an anti-psychotic drug that can have powerful side effects which is why the pharmacist called it the "last ditch drug."  We're to that stage although she's on a very low dose.  On Monday we have an appointment to meet with Dr. Kirschner and I hope to have a better understanding of what I can expect with this drug (along with how to use it.)

This is so necessary as I've watched Mom deteriorate and lose touch with reality.  She often starts with a saying such as "I know that you know that I know that God knows that I know..." and I think, "uh oh, here we go again."  From there she may try to tear her clothes, break her glasses, spit out her food or throw whatever is in her hands.  She's even tried to bite me and the behaviors remind me so much of the times that I worked with the severely developmentally disabled at Fircrest.  I've been so glad that I had that experience since it's helped me to deal with Mom.This is all very confusing for Dad and he usually tells her that he loves her and will sit and hold her hand.  One time he was kissing her and she started clearing her throat and spit at him.  Watching her mind unravel is hard on him so I'm grateful that he seems to be able to disappear into a book and shut out reality for awhile.

Gail came last weekend and it was such a gift to me to be able to take off for one night (I went to Renton to hang out with my friends Juli and Ed).  I went to church with Juli in the morning and then came home and took Ben to North Creek.  That night we had our new church development team at our house so I had a full day of worshipping and reflecting on God's goodness.  In order to give us quiet with our group, Gail took Mom and Dad to Marysville where she met up with Adie.  Right before it was time to leave, Mom started with "I know that..." so we gave her some seroquel and got her settled in the car.  Gail asked us to pray for her and you better believe that we did!  I don't think I would've attempted to take her like that but Gail is amazing in that way.  She handles Mom so well and I never have a moment's concern when she's caring for them.  They ended up having a very nice dinner and were glad that they'd gone.

This week has been fairly stable but we've stayed really close to home.  I did take my day off and trusted that their caregiver (Sita) from Visiting Angels would be able to handle them.  She did and it was such a relief to come home and have everything calm.  I started with Visiting Angels the week before and came home to Mom having an episode.  I wasn't completely confident when I left this week but I decided I had to go.  I've been fighting depression and when I visited the dentist this week discovered my gums were bleeding - a sign of stress and a compromised immune system.  That was a big wake up call so I'm determined to take better care of myself.  It will do no one any good if I get cancer or have a nervous breakdown!  I'm also trying to figure out how to get a vacation in - we'll probably have to string together a variety of caregivers so that we can be gone for at least a week.  It has now been more than 7 months and the most I've been able to get away has been two nights.  This is where I start to get panicky and wonder how much longer I can do this?  Then I remember that this is a calling and I lean into God.  He always provides just what I need at the right moment (like Gail last weekend.)  With the longer days, Bekah coming home for the summer and the possibility of a week vacation, I think I'm going to be fine.  Now we'll just see what Dr. Kirschner has to say.     

A Better Way of Dying...

....is the title of the latest book that jumped out at me while taking Dad to the library. I'm reading it and thinking, "man, I wish we'd had this ten years ago." A recent book, it talks about how to have more say over the kind of care you receive as you age. What the medical establishment is set up to do is curative care...almost always, even with someone at the end of a long battle with a nasty disease like cancer. The two women who published this book in 2010 are sisters; one a lawyer and the other an ER doctor. They talk about how there are "exit events" in our lives that used to take us but no longer do because of all our medical advances. While this is really good news for those of us who are healthy and enjoying life; for the terminally ill they can drag out our lives much longer than we want them to. For instance, pneumonia used to be called "'the old man's friend' because it offered the very elderly a relatively quick and painless death."(pg 53) The same is true with urinary tract infections, but today we send the elderly to the ER for treatment (sound familiar?) What I've discovered is that doctors do this because that's how they get funding for the hospital. That is a whole 'nother topic...

Okay, so what does all this have to do with our situation? Besides being enlightening and a help for me in my preparations for death...very little. While mom will say that she wants to die (usually to get out of doing something she doesn't want to) she really doesn't. She isn't ready to and my job is to help her have the most quality of life possible and help her to be ready for death. She has quite a bit of fear and I think she needs a pastoral presence in her life which cannot be me. I am already wearing several hats that make this caregiving challenging. I think what she'd like is to spend as much time in bed as is possible and slowly drift away. Dad, on the other hand, does not want to spend so much time in bed and is fighting aging with all his strength. He needs to get out and experience life and feel strong even though he is slipping as well. They have different needs. and I'm struggling to find a balance that works for both of them. The adult day care is not working since Dad doesn't want to go without Mom and she refuses to get up to go. Two weeks ago I tried all my tricks and was trying to pull her to a sitting position when she started hollering "ow, ow, ow." That felt like elder abuse so I let her lay back down and she spent most of the day in bed. I can't make her get up and now I know how the caregivers at Aegis felt. I used to be able to persuasively talk her into getting up but now she just says "no." Her words to me this week were "no, I'm only going to do what pleases me." Alrighty then....

She's also increasingly disconnected from reality. Yesterday I heard her talking in the bedroom -"are you getting a book for Grandma?" is what I heard. When I asked her about it she said that Bekah was beside her bed and she kept asking me what she was doing. Sometimes I play along with her; sometimes I ask her questions and sometimes I try to reconnect her with reality. In this case, I tried all three and was still unable to get her mind off "that poor little thing under my bed." I finally got her to the bathroom and assured her I would look after Bekah.

Yesterday was also a new adventure in caring for Dad. While he likes to do pretty much everything for himself, he's having a harder time doing that. The adventure yesterday revolved around him being constipated and I will spare you from the details. Suffice it to say that I went a long way into the reality of "how much worse this could get." A fear that I've had to say "no" to since they moved in and I discovered that God gives me the strength and grace I need in very challenging situations. He has also given me a sister-in-law (nurse Heidi) who gets this in every conceivable way and who walked me through the necessary steps. What a gift. I choose to trust that He knows what I can handle and will provide in each moment. Just as He always has.

Mom's Confusion

A new wrinkle in Mom's state of mind...she doesn't think she had children and was worried about telling Dad. In telling it to me, she caught herself calling him "Dad" to me and changed it to "Bob." Funny how the mind works...she knew that was somehow wrong. He's in with her now reminding her of all our names and telling her how much he loves her. Weeping all the time and it's breaking my heart. He also is showing signs of confusion, sometimes wearing Mom's clothes and she sometimes wears his. This morning when I asked him what he wanted to do today, he said, "I'll just exist." And this is also breaking my heart.

So I'm smack dab in the middle of realizing that I can't make things right for them. I'm not God and having them here is the right place but it's also not going to take away from the fact that they're slowly losing touch with this world in preparation for the next. I have to let go of my delusion that I can heal their minds, their bodies and their sorrow at aging, simply by loving them and having them live with me. This is hard and sad and necessary and all I can do is live in the grace that God gives me daily.

The past two days, Adie was here and it was so good to have her companionship. We talked and laughed and reminisced together. And she cut both Mom and Dad's hair - they look so much better! I found that having her here made Mom and Dad's confusion more of a reality. Usually it's just me listening to their ramblings and I can be a bit detached emotionally, directing them toward practical tasks and not taking it too seriously. With her here I found myself getting a bit hysterical and laughing at some of the wild things she was saying. Then I felt bad that I couldn't control my hysteria...I don't usually laugh at them. This sort of reminds me of grief and I suppose this is a part of grief. You can't control when and how it shows up and it doesn't always seem appropriate. Actually all of this feels out of control and I take great comfort in the truth that God is in control. And I will give myself permission to grieve the daily losses I am witnessing and in a way also experiencing. Sometimes I feel like my body is decaying right along with theirs (well, of course it is, just not at the same pace) and then I remember how Hallack felt the same way as he ministered to so many elderly people at Lake City Presbyterian Church. He would come home and tell me he felt some of the aches and pains they spent most of their time complaining about. And he was a lot younger than I am now so I'll chalk this up to that.

It helps so much to actually put this down in writing and i'm actually feeling much better. Dad was able to motivate Mom to get up and together we got her dressed and eating her breakfast. She now remembers that I'm her daughter! And from here we'll find something adventurous (adventuresome?) to do. Even if it's going to the grocery store and having lunch. And I will look for the many signs of life springing up all around us and I will rejoice.

Taking A Moment

I'm finding that nothing happens without me being intentional - especially writing. Too many days I've not made it to this blog so today I'm taking the time to reflect on where we've been the past couple of weeks. We've been:

-to Oregon to visit Bekah and catch Aaron in a Linfield game (just me, not the folks!)

-to see Dr. Lee and get a great report on both Mom and Dad's blood counts (and then to get assignments for six more medical procedures..."1 appointment always leads to 3 more!")

-to Safeway's pharmacy for tetanus and shingles shots (where Dad picked up two candy bars because "the sign said they were free" - but the fine print said buy 2 get 2 FREE)

-to the ER because Mom was started to see writing in her food and became extremely agitated and I suspected a bladder infection...I was right

-to the dermatologist where Dad got the growth on his face taken care of..along with several other pre-cancerous skin lesions

-to radiology for Dad to have a bone density scan (although we first went to the place where Mom had hers - in the breast center and they politely told me they don't take men!)

And tomorrow, I'm happy to say, we'll be going to North Shore Adult Care so that Mom and Dad can spend the day in their wonderful facility and I can have a day off. Everyone has been telling me to take care of myself and this is a big step in the right direction. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some guilt about taking them there but I'm not going to make it for the long run if I don't do this. I have a mammogram scheduled for the afternoon...for which I am overdue. In filling out the paperwork for North Shore, I had to count all the dr's appointments I've taken them to in the past year....34! (and that doesn't include the ER visits or the ones that Mark took Dad to :0). So I thought I'd better get a mammogram and physical for myself. And a day off once a week to remember that I am not God and they will survive without me. I know that it may be a battle to get Mom up, dressed and fed by 9:30 so I'm asking for prayers that it will go as smoothly as possible. She is not very reasonable when she has a bladder infection so this could be tricky.

So that is the news from our household as we finish up week 25...but who's counting?

A Book That Jumped Out At Me

I took Dad to the library last week - he is a voracious reader and had run out of books. When we walked in the door I "just happened" to see a book on the uppermost shelf intitled "Passages in Caregiving" by Gail Sheehy. I have been reading it ever since and feeling encouraged, understood and overwhelmed at different times. Some of the phrases are ones I've used myself and it helps to see it in print by someone else. For instance, I sometimes think of our parents as "my little mommy and daddy", because they can be so childlike but to read that someone else says it makes me realize that my emotions are valid and not demeaning. Rather tender and touching.

We (meaning the 3 Greiders left in the house) went away last weekend. Actually Hallack left on Wednesday, Ben and I joined him Friday night. We went to a friend's place in Port Townsend and it was really nice to have some time away. We had to be back for the group that meets at our house on Sunday so left right after lunch. It ended up not feeling like enough time and I struggled with re-entry. Thank goodness Gail is coming this weekend and I have plans to go to Oregon with my friend Juli. Another reason it's been hard this week is that Mom got off her schedule while Will and Corinna were taking care of her. I now realize that we're all better off if she stays on her regular routine so anyone taking care of her will need to follow that from here on out. I was trying to make it easier for my niece and nephew but it takes away from my respite if I have to battle Mom to get back on schedule. I always say that this is a huge learning curve for me and last weekend was a new lesson for me.

I'm finding myself to be rather emotional today and think it's because Mom's struggling to make sense. She's getting better at taking care of herself but I find that she is really confused on what to do and needs lots of direction. Just now she was trying to decide whether to put on her socks or her shoes first. My little mommy. Maria the physical therapist and MaryAnn the occupational therapist have been amazing support. They help me to see what she can do and tell me often how much better off she is, here with me. Both of them worked with her at Aegis so I know they have a good understanding of her situation. They give me strokes and that helps a lot because this is a lonely calling with plenty of room for self-doubt. Hallack encourages me as well and this week he was home sick; after which he told me he had a new appreciation for what I do during the day. So I'm going to give myself grace and take them for a drive instead of cleaning or paying bills or doing our taxes or any of the myriad of household tasks I could be doing. I'm going to enjoy them, enjoy a drive and maybe we'll stop and get the van washed. It needs it.

Valentines Day

Mom: "you're always so chipper in the morning"

Me: "would you rather that I was grumpy?"

Mom: "no, but I just wish I could be so chipper."

Me: "well, Mom, I choose to be chipper every day, my attitude is my choice - you can choose."

We've actually been having some really good days and the difference has been the visits from Maria the physical therapist. We are now in a routine where Mom needs to be up and ready to go by 10 and it makes such a difference. Maria reminded me how crucial routines are and so I push through the initial resistance to getting up. I try to do so in creatively cheerful and positive ways. I've found that if I give her medication between 8 and 9 (depending on when Dad gets up) and then let her lay there for awhile it works really well (most of the time!)

Yesterday, Valentines Day, was a good example. I start reminding her what day it is and we start reminiscing about Greg and his birth (he just turned 60! shhhhh :0). From there we start the process of getting up, chatting all the while. That's where the chipper conversation came in. What was really sweet was when she was headed to the breakfast table she stopped at Dad's loveseat to ask him for a kiss. He stood up and they wished each other Happy Valentine's Day and kissed - their love for each other still so real and sweet that it makes me so glad I'm able to help them stay together as long as possible.

During the evening news there was a story about a couple that had been married for 71 years and it was such a touching story that we all couldn't help but smile. And I told Mom and Dad that they reminded me of that couple. And they do. Their love is not perfect but it's evident and they show it to each other in hundred different ways. And I'm privileged to be able to witness it daily.

Happy Valentines Day, Mom and Dad, and thanks for showing us how to stick together through thick and thin!

To Sleep or Not to Sleep

Once again I'm struck by how much I need to stand firm and make good decisions for all of us. At the same time, I'm trying to be sensitive to how hard this is for Mom. She doesn't feel good and I cannot ever fully understand that because I'm not in her shoes. Yet when I go to a place of sympathy I can't always make the overall choice that is best for everyone. I'm tempted to become co-dependent and enmeshed - a place I've lived before and am too easily drawn back into.

The past two days are a good example. Last night we had a small group over to begin praying for and planning a new church plant. There were 7 adults and 3 children (including us) so not a very big group but it set Mom off so she refused to leave their bedroom. She had been watching the Super Bowl with Dad and decided she was too tired and lay down for a nap at 4:30. When the group came at 6, she would not get up even though we were all on the other side of the house. She lay there napping until I made her get up and change/get ready for bed. I had told her repeatedly that I was concerned about her sleeping most of the afternoon because it didn't bode well for sleep that night. And I was right - she was awake and talking and upset several times during the night. Poor Dad is exhausted and is doing his reading/napping routine on the couch.

She woke up this morning, angry, frustrated and complaining of hurting all over. That is until Mike the visiting nurse came to check her blood and then she was all smiles and cheer. He asked her how she was feeling and if she had any pain and she said ......."no!" So what is the truth? Is she in pain and miserable or not? That's when I realize that I have to do what's best for her in the most creative and cheerful way that I can and not let her complaining dissuade me. How tricky to be the adult with childlike and yet astute (some of the time) parents. And how much sleep does she really need? To sleep or not to let her sleep, that is the question.

A Burden to Our Children

I've heard the saying, "I want to live long enough to be a burden to our children." Well I want to go on record saying that this is exactly what I don't want. When I tell our kids, one daughter's response is "I want you to put that in writing and renew it every year." And she's right, because once you get to that place you no longer have the capacity to make those decisions. And it sounds so easy to say when you're 50, 60 or even 70 something but if you're 80 something and still healthy it would be so easy to think, "I'm not going to be a burden." But the changes can come so fast and the health challenges so complex. On Friday night as I wandered the halls of the ICU I saw a lot of people being kept alive by machines and medicines that are costing hundreds of thousands of dollars. And I can't help but think of my friends in Africa and how this is not an option for them. When they are really, really sick...they die. No matter the age. I wonder what the best policy is for us who have the technology and resources to keep people alive should be. This is not a popular topic and sounds heartless but it does need to be discussed. As a nation, we cannot afford to keep paying for the extraordinary measures we now use to keep the elderly alive. Or the extremely sick. Just because we can doesn't mean we should.

The tough thing is to do this for someone else - to make these decisions for our parents. I will use our situation as an example. Mom had an emergency on Friday night due to her hemorrhoid procedure. Three weeks ago she had a banding procedure and after the band fell off she started to bleed. Had I any idea how serious it would get, I would have insisted that the proctologist's nurse find me someone to see immediately when she told me the doctor was not available and I'd have to wait until Monday. However, hindsight is 20/20 and I didn't have that kind of vision so I took her advice to see how things progressed and then panicked when I saw how much she was bleeding at 10:30 that night. Due to the blood thinners that she's on, she had bled nearly two cups when I went to get her ready for bed. I got her to the ER where she bled that much again three more times and then to ICU where she spent all night continuing to bleed as they gave her transfusions and medicines to reverse the effects of the blood thinners. All in all she had to have 4 blood transfusions, along with platelets and so many IV's of liquids that I lost count. Had she crashed they would have put her on life support and intubated her. All this for a woman whose heart, mind and body are all failing and who barely wants to get out of bed most days.

Am I glad that they saved her? Of course I am but I'm also aware that her death is coming whether I like it or not and are we utilizing our resources in the best way that we can? But, how could I stop this whole process without seeming cruel? Even though I know that where she is going is vastly better than the life she is living now! I can't, so I take it as a lesson for what I need to do for our children. Our generation (I'm talking Boomers here) needs to take the bold step and say that we will not take down Social Security and Medicare by our enormous numbers and growing medical needs. We need to do it now while we can and not force our children to make those decisions for us because we've bankrupted them. This is a complex issue and not one solved simply but I believe we have an amazing opportunity to be selfless here - not something our generation is good at being.

To finish the story, I'm happy to say that Mom is now home and the first night went well. She is eliminating the extra liquid they poured into her so she's had to be changed several times and I'll have a bit of laundry to do today. She and Dad are so sweet and we all know that we dodged a bullet this time. I believe that it was not her time to go and we are all cherishing the extra life she's been given. And I continue to be aware that each day is a gift for each of us and to live it as fully as I can. Without fear.

Getting Out!

The snow finally melted enough on Saturday that I had big plans to get Mom and Dad out for the evening to a Jazz Concert that Ben was playing in. He told me that he had an improv solo in it and I was so excited to hear him. We geared for it all day and I thought that I had made it clear to Mom what the plan was. In the afternoon I gave her a shower and got her dressed with plenty of time so that she could rest and be prepared to go out. After serving dinner, I started to outline the plan for leaving and that's when she came unglued. And I mean unglued. She absolutely put her foot down and said there was no way she could go out. It was too dangerous, it was too scary, it was too.....much. At this point I have to be honest and say that I was mad. After eight days of being cooped up in the house I could tell how badly Dad needed to get out. So I challenged her and tried to convince her that I'd made sure it was safe but she really dug in her heels. Hallack had already left to get Ben there early so I texted him to say that we wouldn't be coming. He knew how much I wanted to go so immediately offered to come home and stay with them. I was really torn - wanting to have a good outing for all of us, frustrated that Mom had derailed our plans, trying to hear her fears in the midst of the drama and also mad. I know myself well enough to know that it doesn't help me in dealing with her to speak in anger. I have to be the adult. So I called Gail for an outlet and quickly filled her in on the situation. Together we decided that the best plan was to leave her at home with Hallack so that Dad and I could still get out.

Dad and I enjoyed the concert and the ability to get out. The next day I was able to get them to church (although that was a challenge as well) and yesterday I finally got Dad to the pool. The joy on his face as he swam was worth every bit of energy it took to get them out of the house for a third day in a row. The pool was everything I had hoped it would be: warm, a gentle ramp entrance, clean with great family changing rooms where I could keep an eye on him. To see him getting exercise without pain was sheer delight. Mom and I sat near the pool and she agitated about him but had to agree with how much he was enjoying it. I tried to keep him from overdoing it but that is easier said than done. He wanted to stop at McDonalds on the way home so we got to use the two-fer-one coupon I'd cut out of the paper last week. They both were tired last night but it was a good tired and as I kissed Dad goodnight he thanked me for a really good day. The look on his face is the motivation I need to continue to get them out. Today we go to visit Northshore Senior Center and I'm hopeful that will be a place for them to enjoy life. Time to go get Mom up, once again.

A Week of Snow

What a week we've had - snow, ice, freezing rain and lots of cancelled appointments! I am not taking Mom and Dad out in this until the roads and sidewalks are all clear. Hopefully that will happen in the next day or two.

It has been an interesting week of being housebound and I see so clearly what lack of activity does to both of them. The commercial that says "a body in motion tends to stay in motion and a body in rest tends to stay in rest" comes to mind as I observe how hard it is to get them going. Even to walk around the house! One of the appointments we had to miss was with the social worker at Northshore Senior Center. We were going to check out their programs and specifically their Adult Day Care. Part of my commitment to health for all of us is finding a way for me to have a sabbath and this looks like one viable option. So as soon as possible we'll reschedule and try again.

We have had some really good conversations around ways to keep them engaged in life. Last week I looked up a pool in Lynnwood that has a warm therapy pool where Dad could get some exercise and relief for his feet. Since he hasn't gone swimming in years my first task was to get him a swimming suit which I found at Target last Saturday. When I brought it home to him, I handed it to him and said he'd need to make sure it fit. The next time I checked on them - he was lying on the couch in his new swim trunks (and a shirt). He looked so proud and excited and a bit like a little boy with his knobby knees. I can tell that he's excited so this will have to be a priority when this darn snow melts. It has been beautiful, restful and very constricting so we're all ready for it to be gone. Except for Mom - she prefers to be homebound and loves the excuse of the snow to stay at rest. That will have to change!

The Post I Don't Want to Write

I've been mulling over a version of this post for weeks, maybe months, and find that it's time for me to be honest: with myself, with our situation and with anyone who wants to take the time to read this. It has been a difficult month and so I'm facing my shortcomings, selfishness, and vulnerability.

First of all, I have to say that I'm coming to the end of myself (once again - I find that God takes me here because He loves me and wants me to grow and this is the latest in a series of "end of myself" episodes.) I'm grateful that He brings me here in loving, gracious ways and only periodically. I don't know how I could handle it if it happened all at once! Make no mistake, I knew this was part of the deal - this stretching and growing but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy it! I am grateful nonetheless.

The place of my stretching became obvious on my drive home from taking Bekah back to George Fox. We left Sunday at 2pm and less than 24 hours later I was on my way home. I connected my ipod to the car stereo and let it shuffle through songs randomly and just opened my heart up to God. As the songs played, I felt God's love and tenderness for me and I wept. For most of the drive. I wept because I'm emotionally exhausted (because I have NOT gotten the respite care that I need - a priority for the new year.) I wept because I heard God's love and tenderness for me. I wept because I knew He was calling me to love Him as I care for Mom and Dad.

That should be a no-brainer for me - something I've known since I first began to read the New Testament. Jesus told us that we best demonstrate our love for Him through loving others. It's what Mother Teresa lived out so well and what we all admired about her. I agree with that way of living life: in theory, in the abstract and as I look out over the brokenness of the world I often feel God's heart for the lost, the broken, the wounded, the widow, the orphan. I've often prayed to have the same kind of love relationship with Jesus that I've seen with Beth Moore, Billy Graham and a couple other Christian leaders who radiate a love for Jesus in their lives. On the drive home, I knew that God was calling me to live out that love for Him as I care for Mom and Dad. To love them just as if they were Jesus Himself. And that made me cry.

I do love my Mom and Dad. I have tenderness for their vulnerability and brokenness. I want them to live out however many days they have left with fullness and vitality. I want them to know how deeply loved they are by God and I regularly tell them so. At the same time, these two people have hurt me deeply (oh, all parents wound their children so I'm not telling tales!) Even though I know they loved me, they left scars on my soul when I was too little to defend myself. I don't even fully know how they scarred me but I know there is some pain there that even goes too deep for conscious memories. And that is why Jesus wants me to love Him by loving them. He wants me to be healed from all that as I love them. That is what love does...He heals (because God is love!) He forgives, He restores, He brings life and wholeness. That is why I so want that relationship with Jesus because "in Him there is life."

The part that I have to be honest with is that I was perfectly content loving them from a distance. When they were living in Wenatchee I thought they'd be there until they died and I was fine with that. I actually thought "John and Alex wanted them to live nearby so they can take care of them until the end." Selfish and distant... I'm embarassed to admit it but that is where I was at. When their health started unraveling, I found I couldn't stay so removed. When I tried going over more regularly, I realized how impractical it was to have them in eastern Washington. When I realized that God was calling me to obey the 5th commandment(honor your father and mother) I didn't hesitate but embraced His call willingly. As this call has evolved to the point where it is today - I see how God has been bringing me along one step at a time. I know that this will be a time of major transformation for me and I'm grateful for it. I realize now that had they stayed in Wenatchee and I'd stayed removed, I would've missed out on this amazing opportunity to grow, to love, to be healed. So sometimes I feel selfish that I have this experience and the rest of the family does not. My prayer for each of us is that we all take the time to love and be healed with our parents. I know that many times families wait until it's too late and I feel blessed to be in this place with them. And I know that I have a ways to go.