A Book That Jumped Out At Me

I took Dad to the library last week - he is a voracious reader and had run out of books. When we walked in the door I "just happened" to see a book on the uppermost shelf intitled "Passages in Caregiving" by Gail Sheehy. I have been reading it ever since and feeling encouraged, understood and overwhelmed at different times. Some of the phrases are ones I've used myself and it helps to see it in print by someone else. For instance, I sometimes think of our parents as "my little mommy and daddy", because they can be so childlike but to read that someone else says it makes me realize that my emotions are valid and not demeaning. Rather tender and touching.

We (meaning the 3 Greiders left in the house) went away last weekend. Actually Hallack left on Wednesday, Ben and I joined him Friday night. We went to a friend's place in Port Townsend and it was really nice to have some time away. We had to be back for the group that meets at our house on Sunday so left right after lunch. It ended up not feeling like enough time and I struggled with re-entry. Thank goodness Gail is coming this weekend and I have plans to go to Oregon with my friend Juli. Another reason it's been hard this week is that Mom got off her schedule while Will and Corinna were taking care of her. I now realize that we're all better off if she stays on her regular routine so anyone taking care of her will need to follow that from here on out. I was trying to make it easier for my niece and nephew but it takes away from my respite if I have to battle Mom to get back on schedule. I always say that this is a huge learning curve for me and last weekend was a new lesson for me.

I'm finding myself to be rather emotional today and think it's because Mom's struggling to make sense. She's getting better at taking care of herself but I find that she is really confused on what to do and needs lots of direction. Just now she was trying to decide whether to put on her socks or her shoes first. My little mommy. Maria the physical therapist and MaryAnn the occupational therapist have been amazing support. They help me to see what she can do and tell me often how much better off she is, here with me. Both of them worked with her at Aegis so I know they have a good understanding of her situation. They give me strokes and that helps a lot because this is a lonely calling with plenty of room for self-doubt. Hallack encourages me as well and this week he was home sick; after which he told me he had a new appreciation for what I do during the day. So I'm going to give myself grace and take them for a drive instead of cleaning or paying bills or doing our taxes or any of the myriad of household tasks I could be doing. I'm going to enjoy them, enjoy a drive and maybe we'll stop and get the van washed. It needs it.

Valentines Day

Mom: "you're always so chipper in the morning"

Me: "would you rather that I was grumpy?"

Mom: "no, but I just wish I could be so chipper."

Me: "well, Mom, I choose to be chipper every day, my attitude is my choice - you can choose."

We've actually been having some really good days and the difference has been the visits from Maria the physical therapist. We are now in a routine where Mom needs to be up and ready to go by 10 and it makes such a difference. Maria reminded me how crucial routines are and so I push through the initial resistance to getting up. I try to do so in creatively cheerful and positive ways. I've found that if I give her medication between 8 and 9 (depending on when Dad gets up) and then let her lay there for awhile it works really well (most of the time!)

Yesterday, Valentines Day, was a good example. I start reminding her what day it is and we start reminiscing about Greg and his birth (he just turned 60! shhhhh :0). From there we start the process of getting up, chatting all the while. That's where the chipper conversation came in. What was really sweet was when she was headed to the breakfast table she stopped at Dad's loveseat to ask him for a kiss. He stood up and they wished each other Happy Valentine's Day and kissed - their love for each other still so real and sweet that it makes me so glad I'm able to help them stay together as long as possible.

During the evening news there was a story about a couple that had been married for 71 years and it was such a touching story that we all couldn't help but smile. And I told Mom and Dad that they reminded me of that couple. And they do. Their love is not perfect but it's evident and they show it to each other in hundred different ways. And I'm privileged to be able to witness it daily.

Happy Valentines Day, Mom and Dad, and thanks for showing us how to stick together through thick and thin!

To Sleep or Not to Sleep

Once again I'm struck by how much I need to stand firm and make good decisions for all of us. At the same time, I'm trying to be sensitive to how hard this is for Mom. She doesn't feel good and I cannot ever fully understand that because I'm not in her shoes. Yet when I go to a place of sympathy I can't always make the overall choice that is best for everyone. I'm tempted to become co-dependent and enmeshed - a place I've lived before and am too easily drawn back into.

The past two days are a good example. Last night we had a small group over to begin praying for and planning a new church plant. There were 7 adults and 3 children (including us) so not a very big group but it set Mom off so she refused to leave their bedroom. She had been watching the Super Bowl with Dad and decided she was too tired and lay down for a nap at 4:30. When the group came at 6, she would not get up even though we were all on the other side of the house. She lay there napping until I made her get up and change/get ready for bed. I had told her repeatedly that I was concerned about her sleeping most of the afternoon because it didn't bode well for sleep that night. And I was right - she was awake and talking and upset several times during the night. Poor Dad is exhausted and is doing his reading/napping routine on the couch.

She woke up this morning, angry, frustrated and complaining of hurting all over. That is until Mike the visiting nurse came to check her blood and then she was all smiles and cheer. He asked her how she was feeling and if she had any pain and she said ......."no!" So what is the truth? Is she in pain and miserable or not? That's when I realize that I have to do what's best for her in the most creative and cheerful way that I can and not let her complaining dissuade me. How tricky to be the adult with childlike and yet astute (some of the time) parents. And how much sleep does she really need? To sleep or not to let her sleep, that is the question.