Stephanie's Visit

I finally called hospice and had a nurse come to evaluate our situation.  I knew that Mom isn't quite ready for it but I felt led to have someone come and give me advice.  Stephanie breezed in on Tuesday afternoon and was such a breath of life for me.  As we stood talking in the living room, Dad slept through her entrance (with the dogs barking) our talking and her introduction to Mom.  So when we went into the family room, her first concern was...Dad.  "What's his story?" is what she wanted to know.   As we talked and I filled her in, I told her that I think he is facing the reality of their situation and is choosing to let go of life rather than have to face the future without Mom.  She said that I was probably right and that Dad may very well go first.  Even though I've been watching him decline, this was a new thought for me.  Of course, neither of us knows for sure but it has helped prepare me for a possibly different scenario than the one I've been picturing.  After telling me repeatedly how great this living situation is for the folks - "as good as it gets"; she left me with the invitation to call her at any time.  What an amazing gift that time with her was and right when I needed it.  She affirmed my choices and instincts for Mom and Dad and left me with the assurance that all is well.

So I have a deeper sense of peace and trust that God will continue to provide what we need, just when we need it.  I can tell that I'm in a deeper place of acceptance for all of us.  Hard earned and so much easier to function in than when I was fighting reality.  As the folks get more childlike, I find myself functioning with them in many of the same ways that I did with our children.  For instance, when I brush Mom's teeth, I often say "big, wide open" which is exactly what I used to say when I brushed the kids' teeth!  I've now started to say to Mom, "do you know how much I love you?" and follow it up with "but who loves you more than even me?" To which she responds "God", just like the kids did.  I'm not quite there with Dad because he is still mentally much more alert but I won't be surprised when we get to this stage (and I'm thinking now that it may be sooner than later.)

I'm sure that I'll most likely have setbacks and days of denial but remembering how far I've come will help bring me back to acceptance (I trust.)  I'll finish by saying how grateful I am for the beautiful fall that we've had with day after day of sunshine.  I know the rain is coming but I will rejoice in the gift that each sunny day has been and will be.