Christmas - Come and Gone

Wow was Christmas Day tough - for so many reasons. The emotions of the season spilled over on a day that has too many expectations piled onto it. I feel a version of this almost every year as I strive to make it unreasonably memorable for our kids. I try to balance the gift giving with a sense of what Christmas is really about but it is the time of year when I get a little carried away. (Or a lot when you think about what the third world countries have in comparison.) This year the

typical anxiety was tripled by trying to make it memorable for Mom and Dad as well. So it's no wonder that I came a bit unhinged yesterday.

Perhaps the unhinging was necessary because one result is that I realized I've been being played by Mom. When we sat in the neurologist office and she said that she really wants to live and get better, I started questioning her choices. Yesterday it hit me how much she has become dependent on me to do almost everything for her. When I filled out the paperwork for respite care I realized how much more I have to do for her now than when she first moved in. If she were losing the will to live and was shutting down in life, that would make sense. However, she doesn't want to let go yet and so her dependence on me is strangling me. And for awhile I allowed it but today I have a different perspective. A person who wants to get better, gets up and engages with life and does not spend all day lying in bed. I know she doesn't feel great but the less she does, the less she'll be able to do. I want her to live the days she has left with as much gusto as she can muster - for her sake, for Dad's sake and definitely for my sake.

With that in mind, I'm thinking that she might actually make it for another birthday, another Thanksgiving or another Christmas. Or she might not but I don't think it helps any of us to live this depressing, bedridden existence unless she really is ready to let go. And I don't think she is.

Having Hope

Once again I'm back on the hopeful side, the "sunny side" of life and determined to not let myself get pushed to that overwhelmed place again. Today I took in the papers to have Dr. Lee sign them and they're finally finished and in the mail so I should soon be able to get some respite care assistance. The big turn actually came with a visit to Dr. Kirschner - Mom's neurologist. We have a series of steps to take with her medications to help deal with her hallucinations. He was so helpful, thoughtful and understands how challenging this can be. It will probably take several weeks to see some results but at least I feel we are moving in a helpful direction.

I also had a nice talk with Dr. Lee (while signing the papers) and I think he understands better what we are dealing with. I ran into a friend who's been through something similar with her parents and she told me that since Mom can rally herself and get out for things; she probably isn't ready for hospice. Someone else had told me that hospice likes to come in early to get to know the person and have a more normal relationship and that if it goes longer than six months then they will extend (so many people giving me so much advice.) I have to discern what is helpful and what is not. Then there is the fundamental difference between what hospice does and what their primary care physician is aiming toward. I really appreciate Dr. Lee and his sweet manner toward Mom and Dad (and me) yet his whole goal is prolonging life while hospice is geared toward ending well. I want both of them to end well with peace and joy - not clinging to this life but eagerly anticipating the next. I want that for my life and yet so much of the medical community is focused toward hanging onto life at all costs. And what a cost it is. I would rather live my life like the apostle Paul who said "For to me, living is Christ and dying is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which I prefer. I am hard pressed between the two; my desire is to depart and be with Christ for that is far better; (Phil. 1:21-23) He goes on to say that since he believes it will be for the good of others that he will stay "in this life." Our problem with death today is that we've lost that longing to be "with Christ." We no longer desire Heaven like so many believers before us. We are so focused on this life that we fear death and the next life. After our brother Neal died, I realized that I didn't know much about heaven. I figured that since that was where he now is, I wanted to know more about it. So I started reading and studying and found a wonderful book called "Things Unseen." It helped me so much that I'm now re-reading it to Mom (and Dad sometimes listens). I don't know how much she understands but she's enjoying it and it's helping me immensely.

I've had so many sweet and precious talks with Mom about how hard this is. She wants to know why it's so difficult and during one of those talks I had a flash of insight. I asked her to remember how hard the end of pregnancy is and that even though childbirth is scary, you are willing to go through anything to be done with pregnancy. I told her that is what happens for some people as they die. We often fear death and so we need to get to that place of desperation before we're ready to let go of this life. And I don't think we can even begin to imagine how amazing the next life will be. The closer I draw in my relationship to Jesus the more I long for this new life. Oh, I'm no more eager to die than the next person but as I learn to love and trust Jesus more I also long to know Him without limitations and that will only happen in Heaven. So I continue to speak well of what is coming and I trust that this will make it easier for Mom to let go when it's her time. Whenever that is.

A Weepy Week

This has been the week of great sadness. It started earlier this week with tears from Mom and Dad over their circumstances and ended with the expected but still difficult news today that Mom's sister died. Interwoven have been teary phone calls from Hannah over relationship challenges. Tonight I feel tapped out but also grateful for moments of provision and grace. I'm especially grateful that I can call Adie, Gail and Mark at any time to get encouragement, love, support and very often a reason to laugh.

Last night as I was getting Mom ready for bed she said that she needed to get some sleep because they have that little child to take care of. I looked at her quizzically and asked "Ben?" And she said no, she couldn't remember the name but she thought Hib's son (my cousin Art who is now 56!) She looked so normal sitting there, smiling and talking nonsense - those moments still catch me by surprise. When she's lying in bed and has hallucinations (like the one on Wednesday where she thought she was in a hospital being abused...) I'm more prepared than when they just come out of the blue.

That helps me to understand why their primary care physician doesn't see the reason for looking into hospice. He doesn't see her lying in bed, refusing to get up to even use the restroom. He only sees her after I've coaxed, cajoled, bribed and threatened her to get up, get dressed and get in the car. When she's sitting there smiling and pleasant - she looks pretty "with it." That is why he sends her for a mammogram and bone density test (which I now wish I had refused). He really doesn't know how little she holds onto of herself. How fragile she is and how the most loving thing is to help her let go. A large part of her is so ready and then there's the part that doesn't want to leave Dad. I've come to believe that he really needs to give her permission to go - for both of their sakes.

I set up a visit to Grace Lutheran on Monday so that David Head (a dear friend and leader of their former small group) can talk with Dad. He's the spiritual leader that loves them both and can give Dad the comfort he needs and making that appointment saved the day for me. After giving Mom the ice cream she requested (I offered tea, she wanted ice cream) and then fixing Nachos for dinner; we ended the evening by watching "Black Beauty." By the time she went to bed she was all smiles and sunk into bed with a deeply contented sigh. I'm not sure where the news of Cordy's death went but I don't think it was in her conscious thoughts. My prayer is that she sleeps well and dreams of reuniting with people she loves.

With everything else going on, I was extremely frustrated to discover that our mischieveous dog had chewed up the papers I had finally finished up to send in to the long term care insurance. I'm trying to get some help with paying for respite care. This has been hanging over my head for several months and it was finally all ready to go - and now I have to start all over. This means I have to have new papers sent to me and have to have the doctor fill them out again. The only good thing that could come out of this is that this forces me to really explain to him what is going on. The tricky part is that either I need to have conversation with him over the phone or I'd have to do it with Mom there. Either way I can't do anything about it until Monday so I guess I'll just enjoy having the girls home.

Once again our house is full with life and stuff and love and I'm so glad to have the extra help. I'm sure I'll be able to get Dad out more with the girls home. Just in the nick of time. Thank You dear Heavenly Daddy!

How Writing Helps

One thing I've come to accept about myself is that I need to write. Usually I need to write in my journal to get all my thoughts and emotions out (where I can literally look at them). Today I feel that I need to be honest with my depression. I am fighting depression and I know it doesn't help to suppress it - I've tried that before! Facing and pondering it is the best cure I've found.

I've come to believe that depression is anger turned inward and it's usually a sign that I'm not being honest with myself. Nice girls don't get angry - they get depressed. So I've been asking myself, "what might you be angry about?" I might be angry at God as I see how hard it is to age...how can this be a good thing? This aging? I'm very likely angry at the seemingly unending nature of this kind of care giving. I'm quite possibly angry at Mom and Dad for not being more prepared for aging...they seem so surprised by it. I'm probably a bit angry at God for what sometimes feels like a stall pattern in my life. I'm sure that I'm angry that Mom and Dad didn't deal with the dysfunction in their relationship and how they still war with each other (even while still needing and deeply loving the other).

Now that I put all the reasons I might be angry (oh there are probably a few more) I now want to deal with it constructively. The best way I know how to do that is to list all the things I'm grateful for. And then to spend time being grateful. This isn't Pollyanna thinking - it is a choice available to me to change my perspective. I have so much to be grateful for and that is the place I want to shift my focus to. Here are a few things I am thankful for:
1. This opportunity to grow and learn more about myself through the two people who were most influential in my life during formative years.
2. A wonderfully comfortable bathtub that allows me to sit back and soak in.
3. Lots of time to think. reflect, pray and, yes, write.
4. Sweet moments of tenderness that I get to witness between Mom and Dad and that we all get to give to each other.
5. The truth that this caring for them is a privilege and that it won't last forever.
6. The uncomfortable stretching that happens as I face my own selfishness and choose to put their needs first (in a healthy and not co-dependent way!)
7. Two dogs that force me to get out for regular walks in the beautiful woods so close to our home.
8. Friends and family that tell me I'm important to them and check in on me.
9. A husband who has weathered many storms with me and is truly my best friend.
10. Children who bring me deep joy as they grow and challenge my perspective and love me just the same.
Finally, I'm so very grateful for Jesus, Who loves me too much to let me wallow in anger and self-pity but draws me into His arms of love and gives me the courage to face all my circumstances. Oh, and I'm really glad for music that enlarges my soul and gives voice to my emotions - I better go put some on right now.

Another Week Gone

I can't believe it's Friday again and I wonder where the days go? I'm beginning to believe Mom and Dad when they say that time seems to go faster. The days seem to melt away and melt into one another. This aspect of caring threatened to overwhelm me this week...well that and the never ending nature of their needs.

Thank goodness for my dear friend and her early morning visit on Tuesday. Just being with her and listening to her life is like the sun breaking through on a cloudy day. I know that God brought her into my life last year and that He continues to bless each of us as we share and pray together. This week she was telling me about her life and we didn't even talk much about what was going on with me but God spoke to me through her none-the-less! I realized that I've been trying to do it all and it's wearing me down and the obvious place to get help is with the housecleaning. If I had someone come in twice a month to do a whole house scrubbing, that would be such a relief! I spoke with Hallack and he agreed so I'm looking forward to setting that up. It really is a matter of stewardship and that spending time with Mom and Dad, enjoying Hallack and Ben, cooking good meals and taking time to read and reflect is a much better use of my time than dusting (I really hate dusting :0). It really is a matter of recognizing that my energy and resources are limited and so I need to be thoughtful about what I do - I really cannot do it all (as much as I hate to admit it.)

We did have a very helpful appointment with Dr. Lee where I got lots of questions answered. I asked him about Mom's oxygen level and he doubted that was the source of her confusion. He brought in a nifty little device that clipped onto her finger which measured her oxygen level at 99% - can't get much better than that. That deflated me a bit because I was hoping that was the cause of her increasing level of dementia. I have an appointment with her cardiologist today and I'm looking forward to having an honest discussion about her prognosis. I am coming to grips with the fact that her mind is slipping away and the Mom that I loved to share my thoughts, joys and concerns with is no longer there. For instance, she thought she was getting a message from her hot chocolate yesterday - telling her what to do. It was both humorous and sad at the same time and I just try to love her in those moments. My little Mommy who needs my tenderness as she slowly slips away.

Back to the appointment...I als0 asked about their blood pressure and what I should be worried about when I take it. Dr. Lee told me that I could stop for the time being since it had been good for both of them when taken at the office. I'm so relieved since we all hate doing it - Mom especially as it seems to cause her pain and I hate to cause her pain. I also got a referral to take her to a gynecologist to check on her prolapse (not sure if it's vaginal or bladder but I sure want to have someone who knows take a look at it!) Finally I had him take a look at the blemish on Dad's face that was causing him pain (even though this was Mom's appointment - Dr. Lee called it a two-fer). After poking and picking at it (and making me squirm while I watched the pain on Dad's face) he gave the medical name for it and said it needed to be frozen - just like you would a wart. He treated it and although it hasn't fallen off yet, Dad says it no longer hurts him. I'm so glad. Dr. Lee told me that Dad probably has these skin blemishes (wax plugs?) all over his body and between that and the moles all over Mom's...well let's just say that I'm not looking forward to my skin care as I age.

It's my 53rd birthday on Sunday and I'm looking forward to a weekend of activities. Mark is coming this afternoon so that I can see the cardiologist and then Hallack and I will be going to a special worship service at Vineyard tonight. Our special date and I'm so looking forward to it! Adie offered to come on Sunday and I think we'll take that opportunity to get away and do our Christmas shopping. I am finding it increasingly hard to leave them as they seem fragile and ever more dependent on me. I do know that I have to take care of myself in order to do this for the long haul. How I want to do this for the long haul.

Our Baby is 14!

Ben turned 14 yesterday and we managed our first overnight birthday party with Mom and Dad in the house. He had 5 friends join him for pizza, pop, ice cream pie and lots of XBox :0). They were a nice group of boys and so it went really well. I took them to Safeway to gather food items to donate to Northwest Harvest and made a little competition out of it. They did a great job and had fun while doing it so I think it was a success (and Ben liked the idea). When we tried to donate the food at the nearest drop-off, things started to get a little funny. The store on Lake City Way was closed but I was able to call inside to ask if they'd still take our donation. The young man who opened the gate looked a bit spacey and there was a strange scent in the air which the boys seemed to figure out right away (it took me a little longer). The funny part was that they'd never heard of Northwest Harvest and had no idea they were listed as a drop-off location. The owner's son called his dad who was also clueless about NW Harvest so we took our goods and headed out. On the way home, I said to the boys "those guys looked a bit high." To which the boys all chimed in with comments about what they saw and heard. We all laughed it off and I decided that's probably enough of that store.

The next morning I left Hallack with the six boys, Mom & Dad and a freshly baked batch of cinnamon rolls (can you say "peace offering"?) while I headed out to speak at a women's Christmas brunch. They all seemed to survive my absence even though I didn't make it home until 1pm. It was stressful enough to prepare for and then be gone that I'll think long and hard before I do that again. However, I'm so encouraged that we could have a party like that in our new arrangement and everyone seemed to do well. And I can't believe that Ben is now 14! I am so proud of the young man he is and how well he's adjusted to having his grandparents living with us. Happy Birthday, Baby

A New Level of Healing

Yesterday was a really hard day for me (well and for Mom, too). On Wednesday she had a good day which I tried to replicate - it didn't work. The combination that was successful began with a good breakfast with Dad at 10:30 and then enough activity to keep her alert and awake until they went to bed at 9pm. They both slept really well and that only served to confirm my suspicion that she tends to get her days and nights mixed up. After breakfast on Wednesday, we did some reading and then Gisela came so I could watch her while my father-in-law had lunch with former colleagues from the bank. I think Mom enjoyed having her there and getting to be a help. After Gisela left, we hurried out the door to Dad's appointment with a urologist and then the audiologist (we have so many "ologists"....cardiologist, neurologist, proctologist, dermatologist....). The news from the urologist is potentially not so good - there is a possibility of bladder cancer from his radiation treatment of 12 years ago. We have a follow up appointment to check further in a couple of weeks and on Tuesday we'll have his PSA checked again. The audiologist was a much better appointment: we got his good hearing aid back and the levels on both were turned up so I'm happy to say that Dad is hearing much better!

So back to Mom...after all that excitement, we came back home and they had a nice evening together before they went to bed at 9pm. I got them both to floss their teeth and helped Mom to brush hers (my new assignment after being to the dentist on Monday). So yesterday when she decided to have breakfast with Dad at 10:30, I thought "great...we're into a new pattern!" That turned out to be wrong although I did try to keep her stimulated with reading and sharing with them the talk I'm working on for Saturday. After spending some time together, I went to organize all our bathroom items and she went to sit in her chair. I tried to find something interesting for her to watch but instead she started dozing off and on. At some point in the morning I got a call from her sister Vicki with bad news - their other sister, Cordy, is in the hospital with pnuemonia. I decided to tell her about it and that may be what was really underneath the challenges of the rest of the day. She is now waiting for the other shoe to drop - expecting each phone call to bring the news she's dreading to hear (at least that what she said to me at one point.) The rest of the day she didn't verbalize her concern but she was irritable and miserable to be around. I made the mistake of taking us all to the salon for pedicures because they were way overdue. I say mistake because, while Dad and I enjoyed it, Mom complained the whole time and said to Dad "I hate this place." She claims that the girl who worked on her, tortured her and "you cannot even believe how bad it hurts." I'm sure there must have been some pain but I do know that she said "ouch" even before the girl started trimming her toenails. I've experienced this with her as I've trimmed her fingernails or put on socks or even when I've accidentally bumped her toe while she's in bed. If she thinks she's going to have pain, she reacts very strongly - way out of proportion to the actual event. Of course, I'm not in her body and don't know how she's really feeling so I try to give her lots of grace in those moments. I do know that it makes her not very much fun to care for and it helps me to have compassion for all the caregivers she's maligned over the past year. And it also makes me glad that I'm the one caring for her with all the opportunities to grow in patience and kindness. I'm learning to find my worth, not in her perception of me (and my care) but in the joy that comes from obeying my Heavenly Father.

My deeper level of healing has been to realize that much of my life I've looked to my parents to give me worth and for a number of reasons, it wasn't forthcoming. So I turned to achieving and performing to get their attention and got addicted to that -what a rat trap that hamster wheel became! The past seven years or so, have been about learning to let that all go and discover my worth as a beloved daughter of my Heavenly Father. He is never surprised at my failures, never disappointed with how I turned out and always looks at me through the eyes of love. I don't have to reach some sort of unrealistic standard in order to have His love. And that is why I am a Christian. That is what the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ has done for me and what sets Christianity apart from all other faiths - it is the only one that says "you can't earn love, it is a gift that was bought by the painful suffering and death of an innocent man (Who was mysteriously also God but put aside his "Godness") and who knew you couldn't do this on your own." All other faiths make you work for it and you will always come up short. The problem with Christians today (and really throughout history) is when we forget our hopelessness and try to emulate the effort of other religions. That is why the following poem is so meaningful to me. My prayer is that it touches you as much as it did me the first time I read it (in the bathroom of my dear friend, Martha).

Here it is:
When I say, "I am a Christian,"I'm not shouting, "I am saved."
"I'm whispering, "I was lost"That is why I chose this way.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble -needing God to be my guide.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"I don't think I know it all.
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are all too visible but God believes I'm worth it.

When I say, “I am a Christian,” I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches which is why I seek His name.

When I say, “I am a Christian,” I do not wish to judge
I have no authority, I only know I’m loved.

(By Carol S. Wimmer Copyright 1988)

He knows me exactly as I am and loves me just the same. That is why I'm a Christian.