2 Years Ago, Today

September 19, 2011 is the date that Mom and Dad moved in with us.  Two years ago, today, exactly.  I find myself reminiscing over all that has happened and wondering what is next.  And I have to admit that I'm tired, depressed and emotionally drained.  I wouldn't change these past two years and there has been so much good in the midst of the hard but I'm seriously considering how to change this situation for the better.  What does that mean?!  Do I look for a full or part-time job and hire someone to come in and take care of Dad?  Do I look for a facility that feels homey and I can encourage others to be a part of his emotional support?  Or do I do what I'm doing now - work very part-time and try to remove myself physically from Dad in order to have some space to breathe?  Or is there another solution?

I find that I've come to this juncture through a long slow road of slowly becoming nearly the only emotional support for Dad.  Sometimes he thinks I'm Mom but other times he's just as happy to have me sitting with him.  Or in the same room with him and he comes looking for me if I'm away too long.  On Monday, Hallack said he just stared at me when he wasn't sleeping and that wasn't something I was aware of.  Now that I am, I find it suffocating.  As I withdraw from him, he responds in a few different ways:  sometimes he's over-complimentary, or grumpy, or very withdrawn and depressed.  I've brought in some other caregivers, and like Mom, he's not thrilled with them.  He's all too content to find his meaning for existence in me. 

I'm wondering if I pulled the plug on the senior center too soon.  He was going two days a week and that was great.  They came and got him at 9 and returned him at 4 so I had time to run errands, get my haircut (or some other form of self care) and still have time at home.  Several weeks ago, the senior center called to say that he had declined so much that it would be better to go to one day a week.  He was spending most of the day sleeping and they thought two days was too much.  I cut it down to one but even that seemed to be wearing him out and he began complaining about the food, the "old people" and how tired he was.  Last week was his last Tuesday and this week I find myself suffocating - that didn't take long!

Thankfully, Hallack and I have plans to get away for two days and one night to celebrate our anniversary.  Will has agreed to come and stay with him and that feels like a big relief.  I know it is time to re-evaluate our situation but I don't feel that I have the emotional energy to do so.  A couple days away should help with that.

I know I'm not responsible for his happiness but it's amazing how easily I feel pulled into that lie.  I'm wondering if this might not be the last final stretching/growing lesson from having the folks here.  How not to define my life in terms of other people's wants.  I've come a long way in this area but this feels like a big hurdle.  How I love to be the hero and how that fractures my sense of self when I try to fix things for everyone else!  I spent a lot of years watching Mom doing all she could to make Dad happy and I fear I've taken that on as my identity at some very deep level.  So here at this point I'm asking God...."what is it that You want for me?"  "How do I sink deep into Your love and find the hope You have for me?"  "What is the gift that You have for me in this moment / season of life?"  I don't want to run from anything nor do I want to stubbornly cling to old habits/patterns because to let them go feels too scary.  Fear and faith, no it's more like fear or faith.  I choose faith.  God help me choose faith!

Approaching Death Again

It has been so long since I've written - nearly 4 months!  I was working in the garden this afternoon and felt an overwhelming need to process the latest experience.  This time it is my mother-in-law, Gisela, who is passing from this life to the next.  Hallack's mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2007 but she probably had it for several years before that.  She has been living at home with Hal who had lots of support from Heidi and Hailey Thomassen.  And now she's dying but it's the most delightful process.  She is not in pain, just letting go, but with so much joy!  Although she still can't get her words out clearly, she laughs freely and frequently.  She did manage to clearly say "this is so exciting!" and that's exactly how I want to feel when I go.  I've had the opportunity to sit with her and tell her how much she means to me.  I sat on her bed and reminisced the many wonderful times we've had:  from the first time I had dinner with the Greiders and she told me I couldn't be a good German girl if I didn't eat bread (no problem there!) to the trips to the Canadian San Juans on their boat.  She made me feel welcome and loved from the beginning.  I told her that Heidi and Hallack both have the best sense of humor and I credited her for that.  We laughed together and we all see more of the old Gisela than we've seen in a long time.  It hardly seems real that she's now leaving us and I'm sure that we'll have plenty of sadness when she's gone.  For now, I'm so grateful for this final gift of dying like she lived - full of joy and giving to others.