Ben

The announcement just came - the one that I've dreaded for the past six weeks. Little Ben Towne has left his shell behind and hearts are breaking all around the world. I sit weeping for his family and can't imagine the searing pain they must be feeling. The sadness even strangers feel as we've been privileged to enter their story. Now we're privileged to carry some of their pain.

In light of this news the verses that God impressed upon me this morning seem even more alive. I was looking for my first passage to memorize as part of Beth's challenge and the following jumped out at me:
Romans 8:22-25
"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us, it's within us. the Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, anymore than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy."

This is my passage to memorize but Paul goes on to say:

"Meanwhile the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."
vs. 26-28 The Message Bible

For all those who've been touched by Ben, may we all come to know how he's enlarged our lives. Especially his family. Groaning for them, Heidi

Blogging about Beth

God has spoken to me during some really dark times through the messages of Beth Moore. I love how much she loves God and how it shines through in her life. I get a kick out of her southern style. I appreciate her delicate position as a female leader in a southern baptist environment. I believe that God is touching many lives through her ministry.

So I follow her blog and have now attached it to mine for a very special reason. She has a wonderful challenge for 2009 that I'd love to encourage anyone and everyone to take. When I read about it, my spirit leaped within me. I'm going to take it because I want to draw closer to God and I think she's right on in this challenge. So take a moment, go to her blog and read about it - she explains it much better than I could. You'll be glad that you did.

The Face of Christ in Charles

I got my Christmas gift in an unexpected way yesterday - I got to see Jesus. I didn't realize it at first, in fact, it took reflection today to help me see it. Let me see if I can explain....

The days leading up to Christmas were really difficult for me. Being snowbound and feeling the enormous pull to "do Christmas" just like normal had taken a real toll on me. I felt sick, I got sick and I so I did a 12 step e-meeting (people sharing their thoughts with each other on email). In my share I wrote the following:
"I'm also much more aware of the homeless in our own city. I've taken blankets and sleeping bags to Nickelsville and was hoping to join some friends in serving them breakfast on Christmas Day. I know this all sounds noble but what I'm really struggling with is a desire to go back to ignoring the needs of others. I don't want to see the faces of the poor people in Africa or the homeless in Seattle. Or I want to fix everything. I just don't want to live in the tension."

So you can see that I was really struggling. I wish I could say that I fought off the consumerism and only gave my kids homemade gifts and gave the money I saved to the homeless or the poor of Africa. But I didn't. In fact, despite all my big talk, I don't think our kids experienced a lesser Christmas at all. I did give some to the poor of Africa and some to Nickelsville but not as much as I could have. So it was in that frame of mind that I went to serve the people of tent city.

This is how it went....I got up really early and made several batches of cinnamon rolls - my Christmas Day tradition. Only this year, two batches were for tent city. The girls and I made it to the U District by the blessing of our friend Andrew's snow tires and skillful driving. When we walked in I was struck by two things - how many people from Vineyard Community Church were there and the smell of unwashed bodies. After handing off my cinnamon rolls I looked for someone to talk to. First I talked to Richard, the man from Nickelsville who takes in all the donations. I'd met him when I dropped off the blankets and sleeping bags so he was safe to talk to. We had a nice little visit but later I was drawn to a conversation with two women I really admire from VCC. It was easy to talk to them - much safer than trying to make conversation with a "homeless person," besides, we share common ideals and wounds. Finally we broke off our conversation and I was about to get my Christmas gift.

That's when I saw Charles. He was sitting all by himself and diving into a plate of ham and cinnamon rolls. I remembered what my sister-in-law said about their experiences with the homeless of Lake City..."they just want to tell their story," and so I sat down. After introducing ourselves I said, "so what's your story?" In retrospect, not the most gracious of conversation starters but Charles was gracious to me and began to tell it. I won't go into all the details but his is not an unfamiliar tale. Alcohol and prison play a big part in it as well as frustration with the system that professes to want to help but requires him to jump through some really strange hoops to get it. We talked about AA and al-anon - his disdain of people always telling what they used to do rather than offering solutions. He really wants to stay sober and so I encouraged him to keep looking for a meeting that is helpful and to get a sponsor. I talked about my need for a sponsor and how she keeps me from getting bitchy. Somewhere during this story, my girls sat down and got to hear much of his story. He told me about some amazing times when God intervened as he was ready to drink. He told me about his mom and her strong belief in God and we agreed that she is very likely praying for him. We talked about God's love for us and how He shows up in unexpected places. He said that I was his guardian angel and I told him that he'd been an angel to the young girl he'd tried to give $5 dollars to. (He also said that when I first sat down he'd thought "oh no, what does this woman want?")

This morning I realized that he was my gift - the face of Jesus in an unlikely place. The redemption of my Christmas as I realized I don't have all the answers, can't fix all the problems but can have a cup of coffee, make cinnamon rolls and spend some time hearing someone's story. I can wrestle with my greed, confess it, and take some steps toward being healed of this poverty of my soul. And I can choose to live in the tension - the "I can see all the problems but I can't fix them" tension. I can open my heart to Jesus and He can help me see that He's here. In our midst and especially with the poor. Even the poor in spirit like me. So thank you, Jesus, that You came and that You still come. And bless Charles today - get him through the ridiculous hoops to get the help he needs - bless him in ways only You can know that he needs. Thank you for sending Charles to me - only You knew how much I needed him.

Barbarians

God has called us all to be barbarians. I believed that when I was younger but somehow the responsibilities of marriage, family and serving churches buried that passion. In a word, I became civilized. I feel as if I'm waking up from a long seduction and am remembering my call: to follow Jesus no matter what the cost.


While flying home from Africa I sat next to a pastor of pastors. Benjamin and I had a nice long chat about his ministry to 13 different pastors in widely different parts of the world and how we see the church changing. He encouraged me to read The Barbarian Way by Erin McManus which I'm in the middle of it right now. He was right - it has awakened me; not to new ideas but rather to the call I first experienced. I've been praying for several years to fall more deeply in love with Jesus and this book is another step in the journey toward realizing my prayer. It is both exciting and terrifying to once again say "Lord my life is no longer mine - it belongs to You. Do with it as You see fit."


What does a barbarian life look like? Well, it's not safe, that's for sure. Just like Mrs. Beaver says about Aslan - He's good but He's not safe! And I think I've been playing it safe for quite a while now. As a mom, I really want to keep my kids safe - this is a dangerous world and it's all about keeping them safe. I read a thought provoking article about the impact that Adam Walsh's murder has had on our nation. The good and the bad. An article in the Times states the following: "for example, when Adam Walsh disappeared, there were databases on stolen cars, stolen guns and just about everything but abducted children. Efforts today include placing missing children's faces on milk cartons, every state participating in fingerprinting programs, and schools and stores have increased security. There is a national center, database and toll-free line devoted to missing children." I think we'd all agree that these changes are valuable and yet they've come with a high cost: terrified parents and children. We are all too aware of the dangers out there and have made safety a top priority. We've built bigger walls and have instilled "stranger danger" into our little ones. We've created an "us and them" mentality that leads to more fear and less community. I'm no longer satisfied with this mindset.

Being a barbarian means that I give up the expectation that God will keep my kids safe. He may not and I have to trust that He knows what's best for them ultimately & eternally. I'd rather not outlive my children but if their future means walking away from their Savior... well, that would be a fate worse than death. I'd rather my children experience life abundantly than safely. I'd rather they follow Jesus and trust in His loving guidance - even when doing so leads them through the "valley of the shadow of death". I'd rather they "fear no evil" than shield them from it. I'd rather have them be barbarians. Even if it terrifies me.

This Voice in My Heart...

is the title of a book I just finished reading about the genocide in Burundi. I knew so little about what happened there and it was only briefly talked about but is a major contributor to the troubles of the poor women there.

This Voice in My Heart is written by Gilbert Tuhabonye - a world class runner who escaped a massacre but not without debilitating injuries. He recounts how in the worst moments God spoke to him and assured him that he would survive. I encoureage you to read it for not only does it put a face to the suffering there but is also an inspiring story that gives hope - I got it from my local library. I really enjoyed the parts where he describes his life as a young boy; he made Burundi come alive for me again and I realized how much we can learn from the simplicity of his agrarian lifestyle and the vigorous discipline of their education. Even though their system is a far cry from perfect, his story highlights the emphasis they put on getting a good education - they know it's their one ticket out of poverty!

Gilbert now lives in Austin, TX and has no desire to go back to Burundi. This is despite the fact that there is much about life in Burundi that he still loves and even though much of his family is still there. The main reason he stays in America is that he fears for his life in Burundi. This only reinforced my sense of the instability of Burundian politics - how genocide is not only a part of their past but is still in their present and very likely part of their future. All the more reason to empower the women - they really are the key to positive change.

Turning 50 with No Hot Water

I had a delightful 5oth birthday - so many special moments and I felt totally celebrated. It was just my kind of day (actually a couple of days!) spent in small gatherings of good friends and, of course, my family. Thank you all so much for letting me know that you care about me. I think 50 is great!

The next night was a different kind of experience - an "oops, the hot water tank busted and the bathroom is a flood!" We just got a new heater installed today and are delighting in being able to run the dishwasher and washing machine. Although it was a bit inconvenient to heat water on the stove to bathe or wash dishes with, I really didn't mind it too much. I just kept thinking about what I have compared to what the people in Burundi have - I have it really good!

I've also been thinking about the homeless who are struggling in our freezing temperatures. My sister & brother-in-law are spending part of the night tonight in a temporary shelter so that some of their homeless friends have a warm place to sleep. I couldn't be more proud of them. They volunteer at a drop-in program called Stop, Drop and Roll where they've made many friends. Each Thursday night they spend time with the homeless of Lake City who come together to make meals and have a safe place to put their belongings for a few hours. It's a great program and I wish more churches would set up ones like it. I'm hopeful that this economic downturn will make us all care for each other more. The food drive at Ridgecrest (our elementary school) has been a huge success and it's a good thing: families with needs are up 40%. Seeing needs and responding to them - doing what we can with what we have. If we all do a little it adds up to a lot!

The Mud Puddle Revelation

I was in the woods again with our dog - we try to go every day and he really lets me know he's disappointed when I can't fit it in. He's my exercise barometer. Anyway, as we were walking, he stopped to take a drink out of a mud puddle. As I have done many times in our walks, I called him away from the water and told him I'd get him clean water when we got home. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks - how many men, women and children had I seen in Africa who drink water that is much worse than the puddle I didn't want my dog to drink? Ouch. What do I do with that? Guilt doesn't help the people of Africa - action does. So I remembered the website Adventconspiracy.com and went to it again. We have really cut down on Christmas and so I sent in a donation via their link: http://www.water.cc/living-water/get-involved/ways-to-give/ . In their words: "A child dies every 15 seconds because of the lack of clean water. It costs us an average of $0.98 to provide clean, safe water to one person for one year: every dollar makes a difference! Our goal is simple. Our vision is clear. Your help is crucial!" I'd rather do this than get a sweater from my husband - I have lots of sweaters. And lots of clean water.

Gloriose

Today I'd like to introduce you to Gloriose - I've been in email contact with Gloriose in order to find out more about her and get her story straight. And to wish her happy birthday - she turned 50 on November 21st! I now feel ready to tell you about her and am trusting that I can do her justice. We met Gloriose in Burundi and had no idea how her story would touch our hearts.

I wish you all could meet Gloriose, see her beautiful face and hear her sweet, gentle voice tell you of her passion for women. And she is passionate about women! She has an incredible heart that, first of all, loves God and secondly, breaks for the women of Burundi. She believes that God is calling her to minister to these desperately downtrodden but beloved women - I believe she is too!

Gloriose began a radio career 24 years ago and as her voice has gone out over the airways, so has her love and compassion. As Gloriose tells it, "I saw around me the life that other women led like my mother and I didn’t stop thinking that my Burundian society lived essentially off the efforts of women:
It is the woman who goes to the field to cultivate while the men go around pretending to work.
It is the women who look for food and who suffer when the children are ill.
Today it is the women who learn a small business to insure the family’s survival when the husband leaves home."

So she set out to do what she could to help. Having only become a Christian in 1991, by 1995 she began a ministry (with women from her church) to help the sick. These women share from their own meager salaries in order to bring food to the hospital and then to pray with the ill. (When you think hospital, don't think of our standard but rather ones where human rights are regularly abused. A Human Rights Watch news release quotes the following: "I had to come to hospital because I needed a caesarean delivery. When I got the bill, the doctor said to me, 'Since you have not paid, we will keep you here.' Life here is difficult. I don’t have permission to leave with my baby. We are often hungry here. I cannot stand this situation any longer.– Christine K., an 18-year-old woman detained with her baby at Louis Rwagasore Clinic, Bujumbura. )

As the years have gone by, Gloriose continued to reach out to and care for women. In her own words: "I think a lot about women. I pray for women. I encourage women a lot. Those who have heard me for a long time can testify that in my radio programs my interest is in women. I am convinced that God wants to transform our Burundian society, which suffers from so much evil during more than twelve years of war, using transformed women.

I suffer with the woman who lost her husband during the war and who does not know what to do with his orphans. I would like to do something for her.

I suffer when I see many girls and women give themselves to prostitution because of heartless men who, instead of helping them honestly, prefer to buy and abuse their bodies.

I suffer when I see women contaminated by HIV/AIDS because they were raped.

I suffer when I see the poor woman always tired for the survival of her children." As she learned more and grew in her relationship to Christ, she was led to a ministry of listening. With training, she has learned how to really listen and get to the core of a woman's needs.

So what is Gloriose's plan to help the women? She has developed a plan that is quite extensive in scope but also very practical. She has set up an association that will offer training and micro-finance to the women. Global Support has set up a fund to help get resources to Gloriose and I encourage you to pray about being a part of this support. If you are interested, please comment on this blog and I'll get you information on how to do so. I believe that Gloriose, with a little support from a lot of us, could transform the lives of thousands of Burundian women. I believe God has called her to do so and I'm obeying a calling to tell others about it. Please pray, please tell others about Gloriose and please consider giving of yourself to the women of Burundi.

A Night of Remembrance

A big thank you to all of you who came to the presentation last night. It was fun to tell the stories, show the pictures and hear your questions. A special thanks to Jesse for helping us with the computer challenges - we really needed you! What I'm a bit disappointed with is our lack of conversation about Gloriose. I'm really excited about coming alongside her and will be devoting an entire blog post to her life story. At the present, I'm looking for someone to translate her vision and story from French to English. I think it'd take me another lifetime to do it (hey, I brushed up on my French before going but I only had two years in Junior High and that was a long time ago!) Anyway, even though we didn't talk about her last night - you'll be hearing about her from me soon.

I was alerted to a special about genocide that will be airing several times on CNN. The link to find out about it and preview some of the special is: http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2008/scream.bloody.murder/ Not a pleasant title but it's not a pleasant topic yet one I believe we must face honestly and work for change.

Before I sign off on this entry I want to report that we got Ben's bike back. Most likely by the boys that stole it. I had Ben make a sign and post a $50 reward and so they brought it back on Friday morning with a story about finding it in the woods. Yeah, right. I'm very grateful to have it back and now it will be kept locked in the shed - all the time. And Ben is going to do some extra chores to help with the reward. Since he and I ride bikes together as part of our special time - it was really important to get it back. Even if by the rascals that took it.

A Lot to be Thankful For

Despite my return culture shock, I had a delightful Thanksgiving. Eighteen of us gathered at my sister-in-law's house and we enjoyed scrumptious food, thoughtful conversation and laughed ourselves silly during telephone pictionary (if you've never played this game with creative, warped minds...well you must at least once in your lifetime! Just google telephone pictionary to get the rules:) I had an opportunity to talk about Africa and share some stories and that always helps me to keep the experience alive for me. Sometimes, I almost wonder if I dreamed the whole experience...it's that wierd to come back into my family and be the only one who's had my life view radically altered. I really do feel like a square peg in a round hole. Any suggestions on how to do this gracefully and graciously?

Today I had a thought about reconciliation that I learned from Philbert (the man who heads up REACH which stands for Reconciliation, Evangelism And Christian Healing). He told us that when they talk with the victims of genocide he uses the analogy of being bitten by a snake. He tells the survivors that they have a poison inside them that is only hurting them. They need to get the poison out so that they can heal and be whole again. Reconciliation is getting the poison out. That reminded me of a 12 step saying: "resentment is the poison you drink, hoping someone else will die." We all have hurts from the past.... all of us. Unless we actively work on reconciliation and forgiveness we let the poison rule our lives. If the victims of genocide can do it (and they do) certainly I can find a way to work out the poison that is circulating in my marriage; with former colleagues; with anyone I've hurt or been hurt by. I pray the same for you - get the poison out. Go to God, admit you're powerless to do it on your own, and then let Him show you how. Here's to a reconciled tomorrow that begins with a surrendered today.

Return Culture Shock (from a note to a friend)

I remember how hard it was for me when I returned from Thailand, a group of us who'd been overseas met mornings to try and process it all. I remember putting laundry soap in the dishwasher - telling my roommates that we, Americans, have to have a different soap for everything. Then Annie (my roommate) called me into the sea of suds in our kitchen - that was a funny incident. Some of the rest was not so funny.

This time, I'm just overwhelmed by my kid's constant needs (and they're good kids). I'm a bit appalled at how I've spoiled them. Today Hannah told me that she needs a mom who's not grumpy (this was after she said her third "we need....") I'd like to steer them in a different direction but maybe without so much grumpiness. I went to Costco today and almost threw up at the sheer volume and variety. I'm frustrated at my own consumerism and how I'm tempted to just fit right back into life as before. Then I think about the women and children and their extreme need. The dirty water they drink, the huts they sleep in, the children running alongside our van, asking us to bring them clothes back.....

On the way home from Costco, I was listening to NPR and they were having a "phone in and tell us what you're thankful for." I called in and they put me on - I can only pray that what I said didn't sound condemning but rather challenging. He kind of cut me off when I told the story about the kids running alongside the van.

When we got home, we discovered that Ben's bike had been stolen out of our driveway. In the middle of the day, with the girls home and the dog barking like crazy. I can't believe how violated I feel and have been asking myself - "why am I so angry?" So you can see, I'm in a turmoil. I can only pray and trust that God is using this disequilibrium to grow me. I knew that Africa would change me - welcomed it even. So I stand on faith that God wants to use it for my good. Even in the midst of the holidays. Well, I think I'll go find a Thanksgiving Eve service to attend. I was going to join Hallack but the police report for the bike took too long...darn.

I trust your Thanksgiving will be filled with the people you love. Mine will be and for that I'm very grateful.

Church in Transition

I believe that the Church in America is at a crossroads and has been for quite some time. For those of you who've heard my husband's preaching and would like to hear him once again, I urge you to listen to his sermon "Jesus has Left the Building". It can be found at the following address: http://www.ckpc.org/Sermons/tabid/3452/Default.aspx In it he gives an overview of the cultural shift that we're in and how we as the body of Christ need to respond to it. He used, in part, the materials that my pastor (Rose Swetman) gave him from her class on Church history. If you listen, be patient through the video clip (hard to listen to a video clip!) because he unpacks it for you when it's done. I really miss hearing him preach.

The trip to Africa has solidified my understanding of just how important it is for Christians in America to transition well. In addition to seeing how incredibly linked we are to the rest of the world (and how they look to us to make good decisions); I'm also so much more aware of how little decisions we make every day can add up to big changes down the road. I'm reminded of another of Hallack's sermons that has stuck with me to this day - the one on the Good Samaritan. In it he pointed out that what the Samaritan did was not over the top for his day. He did what he could with what he had. I think it really impacted me because growing up I thought it was a story of heroic proportions. Or as Hallack preached in another sermon on Moses - "what do you have in your hand?" Moses had a staff and God used that simple tool to transform the lives of the Israelites. (I'm going to stop gushing about Hallack's sermons, but really, he does have a gift for unpacking God's word in language I can understand).

So I'm challenging myself today with what I have in my hand and asking God to show me how to use it to bless others. I think that's the main reason I write on this blog - to tell the story of what God has allowed me to see and hopefully we'll all make some small changes with what we have to help another. Be the Good Samaritan today - with what you have in your hand and a prayer in your heart. You may never know how your one little act may mean a big change in someone else's life but God will. And, honestly, He's the only One we need to please.

Steven

The first person to greet us in Rwanda was Steven. He gave me permission to tell his story (even wrote something up) and so, I would like to introduce you to him. Steven is soft spoken with warm gentle eyes and an air of compassion that immediately puts you at ease. His ear to ear grin breaks out when he makes a joke or is convinced that he has served you in some way. He made our transition to Rwanda relatively easy and guided us through all our experiences in Rwanda (and patiently waited for us while we grieved at the memorials).

Steven was born in Uganda, the fourth child of six, who by the age of five was the only one left. The rest of his family was killed in the war and Steven comments, "how I escaped the orgy that killed my family, I have no idea about." It wasn't until he was 12 and told his story to a man that he realized how devastating his circumstances were. The man told him that if he had experienced what Steven had he "would have drunk poison and died," and that it would be better for "someone like me to die and follow his mum and dad than live all his life in horrible Situation." This powerful suggestion actually led Steven to make several attempts on his life - all of which were thwarted by the unexpected appearance of others and the grace of God. Finally, in 1986, some "people who loved Jesus" took Steven to an orphanage where he met Dorothy Tenywa. She painted a new picture for Steven by telling him that even though he'd lost his parents that God loved him and that he could still have a bright and beautiful future. Over time and through the love of Dorothy, he believes that the Lord helped him to overcome "the pinch of worry and sadness." In the orphanage he learned to read and write and eventually another caring woman took him to Kampala where he learned tailoring skills. There he met a pastor named Paul who mentored Steven and lived together with him for four years.

In 1996 his life took a dramatic turn. Steven was invited to come to Rwanda to preach and since it was soon after the genocide, the stories were raw and reminded him of his own pain and suffering. He then chose to stay in Rwanda and help the many widows and orphans he came into contact with. As Steven told us, he was going door to door to tell people about the love of Jesus when he kept encountering nothing but widows and orphans. He decided that what he needed to do was form an association and work to help get them skills in order to support themselves. The women make baskets, crochet and dye cloth in order to feed and educate the members of their association. While in Rwanda, we had the privilege of seeing a sewing machine delivered to the women that some friends in our area had raised the money for. This is another step in helping them to help themselves and it was a joy to be a part of it.

In addition to the orphanage, Steven has helped to organize soccer teams to give focus and direction to orphaned youth who might otherwise be led into less desirable activities. On top of all this, he has 19 children and 3 widows living with him in a small house in Kigali. The house has been condemned by the government because part of the wall collapsed during the last heavy rains and injured several of the children. Steven's story reminds me of the early years of Greg Mortenson (Three Cups of Tea) because he has written nearly 500 letters trying to get support "to really help get this widows and orphans out of their difficulties." Global Support sends Steven a check every other month to help with his expenses but he has so much more need. Even so, he carries on his ministry to others with compassion and a joy that can only come from being in the center of God's will. I have been changed by the amazing gift it has been to get know Steven. My joy will be enlarged if his story touches you in some way as well and if you remember him and his ministries in your prayers.

Why Should I Care?

After flying for 20 hours and hanging out in airports for another 18 (well, except for the 4 hours we spent walking around Amsterdam - an unexpected treat!) we are finally home. It is beyond good to be here and I'm reveling in the usually taken-for-granted comforts of hot, clean water, clothes machines, clean sheets and the hugs and kisses of my family. We met amazing people on every leg of our journey and my hope is to introduce them to you as time and memory allow.

Today, as I walked our dog in the woods, I kept thinking about why I should care about Africa and all that I've seen. I mean, I'm home now and it's far away and life can just go on as before, right? I don't think so and I don't want it to be so. The faces, the pain, the joy of each and every one that I interacted with are indelibly printed on my heart and have changed me forever. Even those with whom I did not speak a common language have communicated with my spirit through the language of the eyes, the language of the heart. I can't pretend I haven't seen their pain, I don't want to forget that I am convinced that God cares deeply for their situations and wants us to care as well. I was reminded by Leigh that Brian McLaren has eloquently written about this very truth in his book Everything Must Change. Another book that is on my short list to read.

So, I do care. I want to care. I want to experience God's love for people - all people and that means being willing to feel the pain. There is a lot of heartache in this world and I don't have to go to Africa to experience it. The pain, the joy, the fullness of life are as close as my next door neighbor. Hallack told me that he had a run in with one of our neighbors over the toilet papering that the cross country boys did to our house while I was gone. It happened during a big rain storm and really made a mess (and some of it ended up in his trees.) He was furious and even threatening when he talked to Hallack and I've been wondering what really upset him? What is going on in his life that made this seemingly insignificant event so overwhelming? And I've been praying for him. And while I'm praying for him, I'm also praying for our new friends in Africa. And for the Towne family. And for anyone else that God brings to my heart.

So thank you, once again, for giving me this opportunity to have my heart broken and mended and expanded in ways I'm only beginning to suspect. And I owe it all to you. Thanks a lot.

Back to Rwanda

We are leaving Burundi today and heading back to Rwanda for our last two days. I've enjoyed Burundi more than Rwanda but it will be good to go back there and visit with our new friends for a couple days before we head home. We will go to church in Kigali, shop in the market, have meals with friends - no more heavy, sad, visits to memorials.

We have seen extreme poverty here in Burundi but the people have been so joyful that it's been more balanced. The students in the house we visited have really captured my heart. After visiting the villages that they've come from, it is even more amazing to see how they're adapting to life in the city. Last night we had our farewells with the students - but before that, we met with Evariste and Etienne to hear, once again, how grateful they are that we came to Burundi. I also helped Evariste to set up a blog - that was an unexpected delight since I'd never consider myself to be a computer whiz (just ask my kids!) but blogger makes it so easy. I look forward to reading his blog and keeping up with news of the students. Unless Evariste changes his address, it is www.youthbatwa.blogspot.com/

Afterwards we shared with the students a bit about our culture and then gave them a chance to ask us questions. I used my polar bear puppet to have some fun with them and they enjoyed it. After I had put him away, Etienne (the parliament member) asked me if he could have the puppet! Of course I said yes, so now they have a (mostly) white puppet to play with. It will be interesting to find out what they do with him :). When it came time for them to ask us questions, I was amazed by the depth of concern they have for the villages they've come from. They wanted to know what we thought and then came many pleas for help. We have heard and seen their extreme need before and what impressed me this time is that these students want what they have for more and more students. They know that this is just a start and that many more Batwa need to have opportunities for education. There is a great sense of community and commitment to their families that won't allow them to focus solely on themselves.

As they put their requests to us: more student houses, computers, higher education, even opportunities to study abroad (and this does not even touch the extreme poverty in the villages), I was tempted to get overwhelmed. Or to feel that we have to be the answer to their problems. Instead, I'm convinced that God has heard their cries and prayers and that He is at work bringing solutions. I want to help and that means listening and trusting God. I encouraged them to stand on their faith and to continue to pray. Evariste then quoted to me a verse that I'd shared with him on the van trip upcountry: "For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God." Galatians 3:14 (The Message) I stand on the truth that God must be the Engineer of any plan to help the Batwa. I invite you to pray for them as well. They are precious in His sight (and now in our sight as well.)

I think this will be my last posting until we return home on Tuesday. I have so much more to process and post and will do so in the days and weeks to come. I want to thank you again for your prayers, support and for following this journey to Africa. We are aware that there is an economic crisis gripping the world and that fear is a great temptation for us all. I ask you to go more deeply into love and to reject fear - the great enemy of love. Love is the answer and this is the time for believers to demonstrate it. In deep peace, amahoro, Heidi

youth batwa

I am here at the community house in Burundi and showing Evariste how to set up a blog.

The Close of our Time in Burundi

Today is our last full day in Burundi and it will be spent visiting the market and then preparing for our evening with the Batwa students. Every Friday night they gather for dance after their evening meal, in order to keep their culture alive. They welcomed us with dance last Saturday and after visiting several villages, we now see why dance is so important to them. As Evariste (our host) has explained to us, he dances when he is happy, when he is sad, when he is hungry, when he has had a good meal - all the time he dances. So tonight we are to come back and share in their dancing as well as give them a taste of American culture. Leigh has convinced me to do something with the puppets I brought - but what? I've been pondering that. I decided not to bring my polar bear puppet into the villages because the small children are afraid of him - the students will not be and I do think they'll enjoy him.

Yesterday morning, when we were still upcountry, I got up early and sat on a wall that overlooked the mountains across and the valley below. I was listening to one of the worship songs that Bekah put on the ipod - the words, "everywhere I go, I see You" reverberating in my head. It is true - I see God in the faces, in the joy, in the pain, in the hurt and I know that He has heard the prayers of these poor, marginalized, ostracized people. As I sat on that wall, I noticed a woman down the hillside a ways, peering up at me. I smiled and waved at her and she was shortly joined by another woman, then a child and then another child, all smiling and waving at me. I could only imagine that they were wondering what this crazy woman was doing on the wall and so I gestured to the beauty before me - the texture, hues and sculpture of lush green gardens. It appears that this land can't wait to give back produce when cultivated. I'm realizing that I now care deeply about Africa. God cares deeply about Africa.

Upcountry Burundi

We are back in Bujumbura after several days in the country. It was quite an experience to be in the mountains and to see the magnificent vistas. I'm going to paste Leigh's account of the dancing at the end of this post but wanted to first tell my experience in one of the hotels we stayed in. I use the term loosely since it was not like anything I'd experienced before. The room we were given had an intense mildew smell and we struggled to feel comfortable in it. The single flourescent bulb cast long shadows, but enough for us to see the flying ant carcasses littering the floor and the glow-in-the-dark peach colored mosquito netting with potato bugs. As we crawled into the damp sheets we teased each other about whining and said a prayer that we would sleep through the night. I did wake up at 1 am but had an entirely different attitude. By then the sheets had dried by the heat of our bodies and the netting was doing it's job keeping out the mosquitos. I began thinking of the Batwa, many of whom live in grass huts that don't even keep out the rain. Dirt floors to sleep on, no netting to protect them, showers a rarity and I could only imagine the insects that share their sleeping space. They are the poorest people I have ever seen - how could I complain about our situation? I lay there praying for them and for God to bless them in some way. I want to be a part of that blessing even if in some small way. And yet, they have blessed us with their joy. Unbelievable joy. Pouring out their joy with seemingly unlimited energy. I leave you now to read Leigh's wonderful account of their dancing:

Heidi and I have just returned from two days "up country" to visit some moreBatwa Villages and take a bit of a hike thru the Kibira Park, escorted by some of the villagers from the Batwa Village, Busekera. I wanted to give you a little vinette on the Batwa Dancing. You have to imagine the setting first of the poorest of people, clad in very ragged clothes. The youngest children wear torn t-shirts only that you would say has been rolling in the dirt for many, many days. The women are colorfully dressed, but not as bright, generally, as the rest of the population in Burundi. The men are wearing trousers and torn shirts, sometimes a ragged overcoat. All are mostly bare footed, but if not they will wear flip flops or plastic sandals. I think there was a recent run on bright yellow ones, however. ha ha ...many seem to have that one in particular. Quite cute...We are also up in the upper country, as they call it.. We gained elevation of maybe several thousand feet by car...So, it is all country side, rolling hills with terraced farming throughout. Banana plants, tea plants, potatoes and the like.When we come into the village, it doesn't take a minute before the dancing begins. First of all, they know we are part of the Community for Burundi, an organization that advocates for the Batwa people. So, we are friends...come with people that are steadfast and focused on helping the Batwa.The women and men both dance with incredible enthusiasm. Often it seems to begin with a group of ladies. The whistle (either regular whistle or a small pipe kindof whistle) goes into the mouth and then the feet begin to move in rhythm, the arms wave and the body follows. The sound of the bare feet hitting the dirt has a collective thump to it that propells forward the body and adds the rhythm necessary to frame the singing and dancing. They will shake their head in a circular fashion and follow with a twist of the feet and turn a 360 with their body. All the while chanting, singing a welcoming song to us with great gusto. The men jump in as soon as they hear the whistle blow and have an intensity and strength to their moves that add another competing yet compatible fit to the entire chorus. Even as we dashed into the shelter of the local pastor's home to avoid a downpour, much of the village remained outside still singing and dancing. After we toured the village and turned up the trail to our car, spontaneous songs broke out accompanied by the bare feet thumping the ground, hands clapping a great staccato beat. Throughout all of our visits to the villages we join them in dance, twirling,pounding our feet as best we can, of which they have a tickling delight. Scantily clad, many of them smelling as bodies that have infrequent washings(cannot afford soap), theirs is an infectious joy that they exude and which slips into your heart for the Batwa people of Burundi.

Prayers for the Towne Family

I've been following little Ben Towne's story and am heartbroken. Please continue to lift them up in your prayers. See previous posting for more information. Bless their final days together, Lord

Burundi Joy

Today is Sunday and we are in between an incredible worship service and our afternoon meeting. It is always a challenge to get time to update you since the internet cafes have rather slow connections - to put it mildly. I will never complain about our service again, I will never complain about our service again.....

As sorrowful as much of our time in Rwanda was is how joyful our welcome to Burundi has been. The Batwa people have welcomed us with amazing warmth and I feel as if I'm falling in love. Truly they have stolen our hearts with their stories, their hospitality and by inviting us into their lives. Last night we visited the home of Batwa students who live in Burundi in order to study, have electricity, get regular meals and all the support that comes from living in an intentional community. This home is a new endeavor since September and we are their first guests. We feel so privileged to see this incredible ministry in it's infancy. After being welcomed by each student, touring the home and feasting; the dancing began. I don't think I can give words to the experience and I'm not even sure the video will do it justice but I was so touched I had tears of joy. They even invited us into the dance and did so with some abandon. Sorry kids - I know you don't like to see me dance but it was sheer joy.

It's time to go so I'll have to write about the worship we experienced later. Glad to be here; glad to know that this week is going to be full of new people, sights and sounds. Much poverty but also much joy. Amahoro -peace, Heidi

Three Days in Rwanda

The past three days in Rwanda have been full. Steven has taken us to see his ministries and I have often wondered how he does it all? We have had some adventures and moments of hilarity. The first day as we were leaving the soccer game, the car that Steven hired got stuck in a ditch and the boys of the village had a great time helping to push it out. Then he coasted about a mile before he got it jumpstarted (he had to do that each time we started out!) We told Stephen that we thought public buses would suit us just fine (and they have!)

The past two days have been much more painful. Steven took us to the genocide memorial yesterday and today we went to a Catholic church where 10,000 people were killed and now the bones are kept. The clothes have been left on the pews and the bullet holes are still in the ceiling. Blood still stains the altar cloth. At the memorial, there were videos of survivors, pictures of the victims and the whole story was well documented. We have wept and prayed and asked God how this could be. I confess that I'm relieved that this part of our journey is over. I wish it could be so for the people of Rwanda for there is much healing still to be done.

Last night we enjoyed the company of Philbert, Fidel and EnFrancine who are part of an organization called REACH. They do reconciliation work with the people in the villages. Their hope and joy in the work that they're doing, was a balm for the sorrow of the day. We hope to see them again before we leave for home.

Tomorrow we leave for Burundi and wonder what God has in store for us there. Leigh and I seem to get along easily - I'm grateful for her experience and loving attitude with all whom she encounters. I'm enjoying this time together. Blessings on all of you - we continue to feel and appreciate your prayers. Murakowze (thank you)!

Obama in Rwanda

We woke up to the news this morning that Obama had won the election. Leigh heard the news from a Rwandan listening to the radio. It is amazing to be here in Africa and see how impacted the rest of the world is by our election. Our host, Steven, took us to buy a sewing machine for the village we were going to visit. As we walked into the shop, there was a big flat screen with Obama giving his acceptance speech - all of Africa has great hope that he will bring good change to the whole world. I pray that it will be so.

The village was almost beyond words. Steven found these women as he came to plant a church in this area. As he tells it, he was going door to door to tell them about the love of Jesus and found that all of them were either widows or orphans. He decided then that he had to do something for them and so formed an association. The sewing machine is the first step in helping them to better care for themselves. They already crochet, make baskets and tie dye cloth and the sewing machine should help them improve their productivity. They welcomed us with songs and dance and thanked us over and over again for coming and for the machine. Even though I can't speak their language, I did try to communicate love with my eyes and especially my spirit. Some of the women would light up and smile or connect with me but I'm sad to say that some are so wounded that they looked away.

We went into a house when the rain burst upon us and had fun doing puppets and listening to them sing. Steven also had them give testimonies and during one of them a baby started to verbalize. Her mom saw me smiling at the baby and handed her over to me. As I held that beautiful Rwandan baby with so much joy and life, I prayed that this would be a different world that she grows up in - a world where we take care to care and not to let genocide happen. It will take us being willing to share who we are and also what we have. Generously.

Later in the day, we were taken to another part of Kigali where Steven has organized a soccer team. This came about as he was visiting homes and discovered households of teenage boys who had lost their families to genocide. He was searching for a way to show them they're loved and to reach out to them. He decided that soccer would be a good tool and now they play with skill and enthusiasm. I loved watching them and couldn't help but think how soccer leagues in America could do so much for these boys and vice versa. Why not let our common love for the sport draw us together? I'd like to pursue that idea when I return.

So many other moments to tell but now is time to go have dinner and get another good night's sleep. I might have to have a beer as I'm not quite on Rwandan time. Thank you for your prayers - we feel them and know we're in God's Hands.

We're in Africa!

We arrived in Nairobi at 8:30 last night and got to our guest house by 10pm. The sights, sounds and smells of Africa are enticing. I woke from a somewhat fitfull sleep to the intermittent beep of our smoke alarm battery dying. After trying unsuccessfully to go back to sleep; I got up, dressed quietly and slipped outside to walk around the grounds. Even in the dark I could sense the incredible beauty and variety of the flora & fauna. Some sort of large bird started squawking and several others answered back. I sat on a rope swing, dangling from an enormous tree and watched the sun bring the colors to life (I was enjoying the worship music that Bekah downloaded onto Ben's ipod - thanks kids!)

Leigh and I felt that our 24 hours of travel went very smoothly and quickly (although the toddler and her mom on their way back to India was a handful.) She sat right next to me and threw screaming fits every hour or so. I tried to help entertain her since her mom hadn't brought any toys or distractions. It brought back memories of traveling with our kids when they were little and I was grateful, once again, for what good travelers they've always been.

We leave shortly for the airport and in 5 hours will be in Rwanda! How amazing is that? I don't know how often I'll be able to get to a computer but will update as often as I can. Your thoughts and prayers are felt and appreciated.

Prayers for Ben Towne

Just calling for a little extra prayer support as I finish up these last two days at home before Africa. I'm feeling really torn about leaving my family but know that God is calling me to do so. I also received notification that a little boy's family just got incomprehensible news. I've been praying for Ben for almost a year (he was in the nursery at UPC when I was supervising it.) His story is at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/towne if you have it in your heart to read it. His mom is an amazing writer and I've been frequently touched by their story. As I prayed for them this morning, my plea was for the faith of those around them to carry them and for them to be enveloped in the loving arms of the Holy Spirit. Thank you for taking the time to let the pain of another touch your life. Do let it touch your life.

An Outline of our Trip - From Leigh

Heidi and I are about to embark to new territory for Global Support. We’ll be traveling to Rwanda and Burundi, areas that Molly Kenzler and Kelly Bean and friends had traveled about a year ago today. There we’ll be visiting with Steven Turikunkiko, a Rwandan pastor who has taken in up to 20 children and three widows into his own household, then also has responsibility as pastor to a village of over 250 women, children (some men?) who are victims of Genocide, AIDs, and poverty. Global Support is already involved, along with a consortium of people in sending money to Steven to help him to some sustainability with his community of people.

We are expecting to visit memorial museums, church sites, graveyards that tell the story of the horrific genocide that took place under the world’s nose in 1994. No doubt we’ll experience the profundity of this time in their history with a great deal of empathy and pain for them. I’m not looking forward to this aspect, but I think one cannot travel to Rwanda/Burundi without feeling and being willing to walk with them in their pain.

Then we’ll be going to Burundi to visit the Batwa people (Pygmy) who are highly marginalized in that area. Not only are they at the bottom of the food chain, so to speak, they are the people group who are bonded servants. Very simply they are slaves. It’s indicated that as many as 8000 people are bonded servants in Burundi, but the number is likely much higher, for the obvious reason of difficulty verfying the numbers, reluctance of slave holder to identify them, etc. Only very, very recently has there even been a law outlawing this practice, but the enforcement is weak if not non-existent.

So, we will be hosted by a group of people in Burundi that are of the Batwa group. We will meet officials of this tribe, we’ll be hosted by a lady, among others, who is one of three representatives of the Batwa people in the Burundian Parliament. It is mandated that there should be at least three Twa representatives in Parliament. We’ll meet activists involved in advocating for this people group.

The Twa people almost never finish school. Yet one of their tickets out of poverty is thru education. The illiteracy rate is as high as 78%. We will be visiting a home where about 40 students have been supported and placed there, supplied clothing, books, room and board, in order to facilitate their finishing school. They are located in the capital, Bujumburu. Then we’ll be visiting the outlining villages where they are from.

We’ll be doing a bit of eco-tourism with a group of these people desiring to host environmentally friendly treks into the wild. We are really looking forward to this part.

Our objective is to determine if both these groups would be suitable and possible and meet Global Support criteria for bringing teams to the area. There are many details to work out…want to be sure that there’s enough infrastructure in their organizations that our help would be sustainable, reproducible, etc….not just throwing money at something. We want to be very careful in all aspects, sensitive to their needs, listening to them, etc. There’re needs everywhere. Where does Jesus want us to be….who does He have in mind for us to come along side. That is paramount.

So, please be in prayer for Heidi and myself, also for the people we will be visiting, also that Jesus would guide, and direct and lead us…..We have been experiencing a heightened level of spiritual warfare in preparation for the trip. Please pray for our spiritual protection in this process of planning – families tend to get attacked during this time, as well as finances and whatever else the enemy can find where we are vulnerable. Could you maybe covenant with yourself and Jesus to pray for us at least one time per day while gone? That would be awesome. Nov. 2nd – 18th.

The Storm Blew Over

I briefly want to report that Hannah is doing much better. The tentative diagnosis (after much prayer support) is that she was just extremely iron deficient. For those that understand doctor speak; her humancrit was only 25.8. I'm grateful to report that after doing all the right things nutritionally (lots of spinach, broccoli, red meat, and iron pills twice a day with a big glass of OJ- as well as cutting back on her milk) she has had a marked improvement in how she feels. At the end of the week I'll take her in for more blood tests. So thank you for all your prayers. And thank You, Great Healer and Loving Father.

Back to Africa

We have our tickets and the intinerary is coming together - at last I'm beginning to imagine what these two transformative weeks will look like. We leave November 2nd at 12:45pm and arrive in Nairobi at 8:25pm on the 3rd. After spending the night in a guest house, we'll fly out the next day at noon and arrive in Kigali at 1pm. We leave Kigali on the 17th at 1:45pm and land in Seattle on the 18th at 2:35pm.

I don't even know where to start with all the emotions that are clamoring for my attention. In addition to reviewing my french, I've been immersing myself in the history of Rwanda & Burundi and I find myself tearing up/feeling tender at unpredictable moments. In preparation, I've been reading We wish to inform you that tomorrow we will be killed with our families which takes the story of Hotel Rwanda and goes into much greater breadth and depth. I'm very grateful that I have time to absorb a portion of the pain before being dropped in the middle of a (still) very raw and fragile cultural setting. The women I've met with who've been there already assure me that there are stories of hope and regeneration - that's the part that I'm most looking forward to. Oh yeah, and that I might get to play soccer in a nearby village and teach women to sew! I know that we'll be spending one day at a genocide memorial in order to grapple with and grieve the horror of what this country has been through. This is important to me since I believe I need to repent my part of being unaware and indifferent - as was almost all of the international community. I want my heart to be broken like this horror broke the heart of God. I ask for prayers for the strength to embrace the pain and not put up walls - my first inclination. I'll be keeping my journal with me at all times and am grateful that I have this outlet for processing - sometimes I'm surprised at what comes out. I will strive to be honest with you. Honestly.

missions fest Seattle

I just came home from Seattle's mission conference and I'm so quietly excited. As I told Diane (the other wonderful leader of Global Support) "these are my people." I really felt like I was with kindred spirits as we listened to workshops and plenary speakers talk about what mission is like today. I completely resonate with the truth that God is at work all over the world and He is calling us to come join Him. I don't believe this means that I'll be going all over the world but that after Africa I'll continue with mission in my own neighborhood. After all, the world has come to us.

An example of this is our pick up soccer games on Saturday afternoons. A multi-ethnic group gathers in the late afternoon, rain or shine, to play soccer for an hour or two. Soccer is our common love and the differences of race, age, gender don't seem to matter much. I've come to really appreciate this spontaneous mixing of cultures - just for the fun of it. Next Saturday I'll think I'll bring cookies.

Immunizations

Immune - when I looked up this optomistic sounding word the first definition is "free" or "exempt." I can tell you that the 5 shots that I received today were anything but free (the total cost of my immunizations is 528.00 and I still have to purchase malaria pills!) As far as being exempt goes, I do think I have pretty good odds against getting any of the scary sounding diseases but I don't think I'm exempt. So what does this mean? It means that I have a way better chance of not getting sick (from yellow fever, typhoid, hepatitis A or B, meningitis, polio, malaria, measles, mumps or ruebella) than most of the Africans I'll be meeting. That alone makes me feel privileged beyond comprehension (and then add in running water, consistent electricity, comfortable bed, heat at the flick of a switch, abundant food....) you get the picture. Today I'm grateful and really want to keep that attitude. Thank you Father - make me truly grateful.

My Love/Hate Relationship with Fasting

I hate to fast. I guess at the bottom of that is my love for food which can be on the unhealthy side. That and a post-menopausal (what is that thing called? oh yeah, metabolism) are probably the reason I can't seem to shed these 20 (okay 30) extra pounds. Even with increased activity like walking the dog and biking to Costco. I keep reminding myself that turning to food instead of God is idolatry. So, back to fasting....

I also love to fast. I know of no better way to increase my awareness of God and of my dependence upon Him. In the past year, I've had amazing turn around answers to prayer immediately following a fast. I've read several books about fasting and have learned from others who make it a practice. And so when our pastor called us to fast and pray today for the national sense of fear and doom as well as the financial hardships of members of our community, I eagerly and reluctantly joined in. I'm finding today is a great day for me to fast as I wait to hear results of Hannah's tests and get reports about the purchasing of our tickets for Africa. I'm tempted to be emotionally torn about these two realities and prayer/fasting is a great place to turn when you're torn.

The Scriptures are full of times when people in turmoil turned to prayer & fasting. So I was surprised when I went to the concordance in my NIV study Bible and found that fast as verb was only noted once and "hold fast" was noted numerous times. It makes me wonder if we are having trouble "holding fast" to God, in part because we've forgotten to fast. So today I'm hating/ loving fasting and looking forward to worshipping with my community tonight.

The Problem with Politics

I had a nice long walk and talk with a friend yesterday - in beautiful sunshine surrounded by the serenity of Hamlin park. How I love those woods and the joy that I get from watching our dog, Bentley, bounding from one scent to another. We talked over Hannah's health, our families in general, my trip and eventually our talk turned to politics. We both have strong opinions and feelings about the candidates and, because we're in agreement, our emotions were spurred to ever increasing fervor. As we parted, I realized that there is so much unknown and so much potential for fear. Again fear. Always lurking around the corner, fear. I continue to stand on the promise of God that I do not need to fear. Perfect love casts out fear. I am not God and do not know the ultimate GOOD for myself or my family let alone the nation. So I continue today to "trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love."(ICor. 13:13b - The Message Bible) So I went home and prayed and let Love cast out fear.

Dark Dot on the Horizon

This weekend was absolutely glorious - perfect fall weather in Seattle; sunny, crisp in the am but pleasantly warm in the afternoon. I had an early morning bike ride with my traveling partner, Leigh, and I just got back from a 90 minute ride with Ben. So full of life and joy. So why do I feel like Elijah's servant (IKings 18:41ff) looking at the dot on the horizon and anticipating a storm?

Hannah has been feeling tired for a year and complaining that she can't run. I took her to the doctor when she first told me about it and after tests and a preliminary diagnosis of "exercise induced asthma" I thought we'd figured it out. Or that she just couldn't run because she psychs herself out. Fast forward to this season and her coaches tell me that they're really concerned about her. After running 300 miles this summer, they think she should be doing so much better than she is. So back to the doctor we go and this time we ask for blood tests (I'm kicking myself that we didn't have them done last year, but instead I just trusted the doctor to do what's best.) It turns out that she's severely anemic and her red blood cells are low. Since she's not a heavy bleeder, she's now being tested to see if she's bleeding internally. I'm choosing not to give into fear but I do feel that there's a speck I keep wanting to check on. Every time I run to the hill to see if it's getting bigger, I open my hands - trust her to God and remind myself that standing on faith is the only place I want to be found.

Leigh says this happens every time one of the teams gets ready to go overseas. Some sort of crisis pops up and puts the trip into jeopardy or makes the mom think she shouldn't be leaving.

I appreciate your prayers as we prepare and as we watch the dark dot. Elijah was praying for the storms to come. I'm praying that they don't.

Laugh Your Abs Off

In flipping through the news this am I came across a video of laughercise. Wow - what a trip! It lit up my morning just to watch it. If you'd like to see it for yourself just google youtube and search laugh your abs. I've always been intrigued by Norman Cousins claim that laughter heals (see Anatomy of an Illness) and this may be just what our country needs right now. A little laughter, to take ourselves and our obsession with money a lot less seriously. And get some exercise! I'm seriously going to try it (or maybe I should try it hilariously, or casually, anything but seriously.) Maybe laughter really is the best medicine.

The State of the World

The news is a black hole these days - how do you go in and not come out with at least some fear clinging to you? At the same time I do believe that to be a follower of Jesus means having no fear. The financial meltdown of our country looks to be the worst thing that could happen to us but is it really? Did we really think that being 20% of the world's population consuming 80% of the world's resources would go on forever? Yet I would be lying if I said I didn't want to have more, even after seeing images of extreme poverty around the world. I think the wake up call for me was when we started developing biofuels so that we could continue our independently convenient lifestyles. That led to further shortages of food around the world. In my mind I finally connected that my need to drive our van was causing people to starve to death. So I finally started riding my bike or walking to the grocery store. I can't buy as much since I can't carry as much so I'm learning to buy only what we really need. Let me tell you, Costco is a whole new experience when you have to limit yourself to what will fit in a backpack (once I took a duffle bag but it wasn't very comfortable to wear home.) Little changes but at least it's a start.
I think God is doing something very big in our world today and a financial reorganization may be the most gracious thing that happens to us Americans. We might learn to consume less and share more. But only if we don't give into the fear. Don't give into the fear.

Patience and Flexibility

The latest news is that we're going to Rwanda and Burundi but not Malawi. This is due to time constraints as well as the cost of tickets in Africa. Since plans are still fairly fluid I'm finding great joy in trusting God. I was reading today about the Batwa people that we'll be visiting in Burundi and if you'd like to watch a video please go to:
http://www.brianmclaren.net/archives/blog/project-batwa.html I'm amazed at how little these people have and yet how joyful they are. It reminds me of calendar quote I read two days ago: "If you don't enjoy what you have, how could you be happier with more?" Indeed.
So today I'm very grateful that my pot has roast in addition to potatoes and that my children will have plenty to eat.

Where in the world are we going?

I've been avoiding writing on this blog - even though I really want to. I guess I'm struggling with the potentially public aspect of it and that worries the performer part of me. What if I don't do it right?!! Oh brother. So pushing those fears aside, I need to start communicating about this journey to Africa.

Well..., I thought I was going to the Philippines to work in an orphanage and also with victims of sex trafficking. I started raising my support and it turns out that no one else was called to this particular mission. Just me (and Leigh who is one of a dynamic duo who lead Global Support). Since the trip to the Philippines needed at least 5 team members, Leigh asked me if I'd be willing to shift gears and go on a reconnaisance trip to Rwanda, Burundi and possibly Malawi. WHAT???? Africa? After I had prayed, I talked to Hallack and suddenly I remembered how something similar had happened to me when I went to Thailand in 1980. I went with Food for the Hungry to serve in a refugee camp for six months. After going through the training, the directors asked me if I'd be willing to serve in Bangkok instead of one of the camps. As "Visitor and Personnel Assistant." Not exactly what I'd signed up for but I finally realized that serving includes being willing to serve wherever I'm needed. And it was an incredible experience that I cherish. Even in Bangkok.

So now I'm going to Africa. Since this is another shift I'm pretty sure that God is continuing to grow me in the area of flexibility, servanthood and, oh yeah, letting go of control. I get it God. Maybe I really will get it this time.

Hearing God

I’m well into the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and I’m overwhelmed by it. She is telling my story, or rather, I’m hearing echoes of my story in hers. It makes me want to go live in an Ashram in India for a spell. I love the part where she is wrestling with her own mind while she’s trying to meditate (I really battle the voices in my head) and then when she hears a voice come roaring out of somewhere deep inside her that says “YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW STRONG MY LOVE IS!” and then the voices are finally quiet. I believe she heard God right there, right in her gut and she believed. I believe, oh help my unbelief.

The Beginning

Okay, so here I go. I’ve always journaled as a way to communicate with my deepest self and to God and to have the two connect. Why not continue to do so in a blog? If it helps someone else out, great! And if not, who cares?!

I was thinking today about the generations younger than me. I really like them and have great hope for our future because of them. Maybe this is because I’ve never really grown up or because I’ve always really enjoyed children and Gen Xers and Millenials are the children I’ve always loved, just older. I’d love to try and help them stay out of the messes I’ve gotten myself into but I realize that we all have our own story and no one else can write ours for us. When I am tempted to mess around with someone else’s story I sometimes hear Aslan growl.

That’s one of my biggest lessons/challenges – being a controller. I read the book Compelled to Control by Keith Miller around 4 years ago and couldn’t believe how he was telling me my story. I especially loved the part where he said that he told his family that he wasn’t controlling and they all fell out of their chairs laughing. That used to be me but now I know better. I’m learning to “let go and let God,” and “keep my own side of the street clean,” and take care of myself – the only person I can take care of and all sorts of other goodies that I’ve learned in my 12 step group. Another wonderful slogan that has literally saved my life is the 3 C’s: “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it.” For awhile that was literally my mantra.

For years I’ve lived with two sides of the same coin: pride and insecurity. I always knew that they were flip sides of each other but I never knew how to rid myself of them. Now I’m learning (progress not perfection here) that humility and deep trust in God is the antidote to this awful flipping disease: that and never going into my mind alone because it is a dangerous place. I am so glad to be where I am today and truly believe that my path is a good one.