A Burden to Our Children

I've heard the saying, "I want to live long enough to be a burden to our children." Well I want to go on record saying that this is exactly what I don't want. When I tell our kids, one daughter's response is "I want you to put that in writing and renew it every year." And she's right, because once you get to that place you no longer have the capacity to make those decisions. And it sounds so easy to say when you're 50, 60 or even 70 something but if you're 80 something and still healthy it would be so easy to think, "I'm not going to be a burden." But the changes can come so fast and the health challenges so complex. On Friday night as I wandered the halls of the ICU I saw a lot of people being kept alive by machines and medicines that are costing hundreds of thousands of dollars. And I can't help but think of my friends in Africa and how this is not an option for them. When they are really, really sick...they die. No matter the age. I wonder what the best policy is for us who have the technology and resources to keep people alive should be. This is not a popular topic and sounds heartless but it does need to be discussed. As a nation, we cannot afford to keep paying for the extraordinary measures we now use to keep the elderly alive. Or the extremely sick. Just because we can doesn't mean we should.

The tough thing is to do this for someone else - to make these decisions for our parents. I will use our situation as an example. Mom had an emergency on Friday night due to her hemorrhoid procedure. Three weeks ago she had a banding procedure and after the band fell off she started to bleed. Had I any idea how serious it would get, I would have insisted that the proctologist's nurse find me someone to see immediately when she told me the doctor was not available and I'd have to wait until Monday. However, hindsight is 20/20 and I didn't have that kind of vision so I took her advice to see how things progressed and then panicked when I saw how much she was bleeding at 10:30 that night. Due to the blood thinners that she's on, she had bled nearly two cups when I went to get her ready for bed. I got her to the ER where she bled that much again three more times and then to ICU where she spent all night continuing to bleed as they gave her transfusions and medicines to reverse the effects of the blood thinners. All in all she had to have 4 blood transfusions, along with platelets and so many IV's of liquids that I lost count. Had she crashed they would have put her on life support and intubated her. All this for a woman whose heart, mind and body are all failing and who barely wants to get out of bed most days.

Am I glad that they saved her? Of course I am but I'm also aware that her death is coming whether I like it or not and are we utilizing our resources in the best way that we can? But, how could I stop this whole process without seeming cruel? Even though I know that where she is going is vastly better than the life she is living now! I can't, so I take it as a lesson for what I need to do for our children. Our generation (I'm talking Boomers here) needs to take the bold step and say that we will not take down Social Security and Medicare by our enormous numbers and growing medical needs. We need to do it now while we can and not force our children to make those decisions for us because we've bankrupted them. This is a complex issue and not one solved simply but I believe we have an amazing opportunity to be selfless here - not something our generation is good at being.

To finish the story, I'm happy to say that Mom is now home and the first night went well. She is eliminating the extra liquid they poured into her so she's had to be changed several times and I'll have a bit of laundry to do today. She and Dad are so sweet and we all know that we dodged a bullet this time. I believe that it was not her time to go and we are all cherishing the extra life she's been given. And I continue to be aware that each day is a gift for each of us and to live it as fully as I can. Without fear.

Getting Out!

The snow finally melted enough on Saturday that I had big plans to get Mom and Dad out for the evening to a Jazz Concert that Ben was playing in. He told me that he had an improv solo in it and I was so excited to hear him. We geared for it all day and I thought that I had made it clear to Mom what the plan was. In the afternoon I gave her a shower and got her dressed with plenty of time so that she could rest and be prepared to go out. After serving dinner, I started to outline the plan for leaving and that's when she came unglued. And I mean unglued. She absolutely put her foot down and said there was no way she could go out. It was too dangerous, it was too scary, it was too.....much. At this point I have to be honest and say that I was mad. After eight days of being cooped up in the house I could tell how badly Dad needed to get out. So I challenged her and tried to convince her that I'd made sure it was safe but she really dug in her heels. Hallack had already left to get Ben there early so I texted him to say that we wouldn't be coming. He knew how much I wanted to go so immediately offered to come home and stay with them. I was really torn - wanting to have a good outing for all of us, frustrated that Mom had derailed our plans, trying to hear her fears in the midst of the drama and also mad. I know myself well enough to know that it doesn't help me in dealing with her to speak in anger. I have to be the adult. So I called Gail for an outlet and quickly filled her in on the situation. Together we decided that the best plan was to leave her at home with Hallack so that Dad and I could still get out.

Dad and I enjoyed the concert and the ability to get out. The next day I was able to get them to church (although that was a challenge as well) and yesterday I finally got Dad to the pool. The joy on his face as he swam was worth every bit of energy it took to get them out of the house for a third day in a row. The pool was everything I had hoped it would be: warm, a gentle ramp entrance, clean with great family changing rooms where I could keep an eye on him. To see him getting exercise without pain was sheer delight. Mom and I sat near the pool and she agitated about him but had to agree with how much he was enjoying it. I tried to keep him from overdoing it but that is easier said than done. He wanted to stop at McDonalds on the way home so we got to use the two-fer-one coupon I'd cut out of the paper last week. They both were tired last night but it was a good tired and as I kissed Dad goodnight he thanked me for a really good day. The look on his face is the motivation I need to continue to get them out. Today we go to visit Northshore Senior Center and I'm hopeful that will be a place for them to enjoy life. Time to go get Mom up, once again.

A Week of Snow

What a week we've had - snow, ice, freezing rain and lots of cancelled appointments! I am not taking Mom and Dad out in this until the roads and sidewalks are all clear. Hopefully that will happen in the next day or two.

It has been an interesting week of being housebound and I see so clearly what lack of activity does to both of them. The commercial that says "a body in motion tends to stay in motion and a body in rest tends to stay in rest" comes to mind as I observe how hard it is to get them going. Even to walk around the house! One of the appointments we had to miss was with the social worker at Northshore Senior Center. We were going to check out their programs and specifically their Adult Day Care. Part of my commitment to health for all of us is finding a way for me to have a sabbath and this looks like one viable option. So as soon as possible we'll reschedule and try again.

We have had some really good conversations around ways to keep them engaged in life. Last week I looked up a pool in Lynnwood that has a warm therapy pool where Dad could get some exercise and relief for his feet. Since he hasn't gone swimming in years my first task was to get him a swimming suit which I found at Target last Saturday. When I brought it home to him, I handed it to him and said he'd need to make sure it fit. The next time I checked on them - he was lying on the couch in his new swim trunks (and a shirt). He looked so proud and excited and a bit like a little boy with his knobby knees. I can tell that he's excited so this will have to be a priority when this darn snow melts. It has been beautiful, restful and very constricting so we're all ready for it to be gone. Except for Mom - she prefers to be homebound and loves the excuse of the snow to stay at rest. That will have to change!

The Post I Don't Want to Write

I've been mulling over a version of this post for weeks, maybe months, and find that it's time for me to be honest: with myself, with our situation and with anyone who wants to take the time to read this. It has been a difficult month and so I'm facing my shortcomings, selfishness, and vulnerability.

First of all, I have to say that I'm coming to the end of myself (once again - I find that God takes me here because He loves me and wants me to grow and this is the latest in a series of "end of myself" episodes.) I'm grateful that He brings me here in loving, gracious ways and only periodically. I don't know how I could handle it if it happened all at once! Make no mistake, I knew this was part of the deal - this stretching and growing but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy it! I am grateful nonetheless.

The place of my stretching became obvious on my drive home from taking Bekah back to George Fox. We left Sunday at 2pm and less than 24 hours later I was on my way home. I connected my ipod to the car stereo and let it shuffle through songs randomly and just opened my heart up to God. As the songs played, I felt God's love and tenderness for me and I wept. For most of the drive. I wept because I'm emotionally exhausted (because I have NOT gotten the respite care that I need - a priority for the new year.) I wept because I heard God's love and tenderness for me. I wept because I knew He was calling me to love Him as I care for Mom and Dad.

That should be a no-brainer for me - something I've known since I first began to read the New Testament. Jesus told us that we best demonstrate our love for Him through loving others. It's what Mother Teresa lived out so well and what we all admired about her. I agree with that way of living life: in theory, in the abstract and as I look out over the brokenness of the world I often feel God's heart for the lost, the broken, the wounded, the widow, the orphan. I've often prayed to have the same kind of love relationship with Jesus that I've seen with Beth Moore, Billy Graham and a couple other Christian leaders who radiate a love for Jesus in their lives. On the drive home, I knew that God was calling me to live out that love for Him as I care for Mom and Dad. To love them just as if they were Jesus Himself. And that made me cry.

I do love my Mom and Dad. I have tenderness for their vulnerability and brokenness. I want them to live out however many days they have left with fullness and vitality. I want them to know how deeply loved they are by God and I regularly tell them so. At the same time, these two people have hurt me deeply (oh, all parents wound their children so I'm not telling tales!) Even though I know they loved me, they left scars on my soul when I was too little to defend myself. I don't even fully know how they scarred me but I know there is some pain there that even goes too deep for conscious memories. And that is why Jesus wants me to love Him by loving them. He wants me to be healed from all that as I love them. That is what love does...He heals (because God is love!) He forgives, He restores, He brings life and wholeness. That is why I so want that relationship with Jesus because "in Him there is life."

The part that I have to be honest with is that I was perfectly content loving them from a distance. When they were living in Wenatchee I thought they'd be there until they died and I was fine with that. I actually thought "John and Alex wanted them to live nearby so they can take care of them until the end." Selfish and distant... I'm embarassed to admit it but that is where I was at. When their health started unraveling, I found I couldn't stay so removed. When I tried going over more regularly, I realized how impractical it was to have them in eastern Washington. When I realized that God was calling me to obey the 5th commandment(honor your father and mother) I didn't hesitate but embraced His call willingly. As this call has evolved to the point where it is today - I see how God has been bringing me along one step at a time. I know that this will be a time of major transformation for me and I'm grateful for it. I realize now that had they stayed in Wenatchee and I'd stayed removed, I would've missed out on this amazing opportunity to grow, to love, to be healed. So sometimes I feel selfish that I have this experience and the rest of the family does not. My prayer for each of us is that we all take the time to love and be healed with our parents. I know that many times families wait until it's too late and I feel blessed to be in this place with them. And I know that I have a ways to go.

A New Routine

After the emotional roller coaster of the holidays, I've started to settle us all into a new routine. Mom is now getting up to have breakfast with Dad and then she takes a nap in her chair. Since Dad often naps in the couch in the morning, I realize that this is something they both need to do -even after sleeping close to 12 hours! It is good to have her up and eating the same time as Dad rather than having two totally different eating schedules. This morning she woke up with a positive attitude and even asked to have breakfast with Dad. I know that this can change in a heartbeat so I especially appreciate it when the "happy Mom" shows up.

On Sunday I took them both down to Grace for the evening service. It occurred to me that I've been trying to find a new place for them to worship and that is hard in the best of circumstances. So we loaded up and it only took about 35 minutes to drive there with unimpeded traffic. Mom still didn't enjoy it much but Dad sure did so this is my plan for at least awhile. I was reading through the Grace newsletter and discovered that Mom's circle is still meeting once a month so we may try to attend that as well.

The biggest change for me has been the realization that we all have to have life outside of this house and that I can't let Mom dictate what we do or don't do. She isn't capable, mentally, of making those decisions and so I need to be the adult here. It's not very fun to "make" her do anything but the long term result is better for us all. I'm letting her do more for herself and being her cheerleader when she accomplishes anything. I'm also helping Dad not come to her rescue every time she demands it. With where she is mentally, we were letting the equivalent of a toddler tell us what we should or shouldn't do. This is NOT good for her and definitely not good for Dad and me. So when the critical, demanding, and often unhappy Mom shows up, I'm learning to be loving but firm. Oh so much like when the kids were little! One thing I have to keep in mind is how much more demanding this is on me. The path of least resistance is so much easier to follow in the short run but drains me physically for the long. Since they need me to make it for the long run I have to take care of myself and that means making tough choices. And getting breaks. I know that I am now in the stage of their caregiving that is challenging and shaping me. Since this is the main reason that I've been called to care for them, I take consolation in the truth that God is in this and I can trust Him. I knew this wouldn't be easy so I find myself calling out to Him and am choosing to trust even when I don't feel like it. After all, feelings aren't everything...right?