Who Am I?

The past week has been full of activity and life with a house full of children (both ours and their friends). It was wonderful to have Hannah come home the Friday before Thanksgiving and she was very helpful. We tackled painting Mom and Dad's bathroom because it had only been primered before we needed to use it. Now it's finally ready to have the medicine cabinet installed and then it will be complete. We have all been enjoying both bathrooms and just in time (I can't imagine what Thanksgiving would have been like with only one :0). I picked Bekah up in Tacoma on Tuesday night and it was so good to have time to get caught up with her
(and Hannah.) Thanksgiving we spent with John and his family who braved the snowy pass to join us. It was so good to have them here - Mom and Dad especially appreciated seeing them. The girls both went back to school on Sunday and life has quieted down considerably.

Maybe too much...yesterday was a tough one for all of us. I was fighting depression and put a plea out for prayer as I took the dogs out for a walk. Mom had a dental appointment and was doing so well that I took them to the senior center to check it out. Afterward we went for a drive to enjoy the sunshine and a change of scenery. Mom was so upbeat that it caught me by surprise when she woke from a nap in her chair and insisted that she had to go to bed. Right then. At 4pm. She couldn't make it to stay up for Gisela (my mother-in-law)'s birthday dinner. Dad joined us for dinner and then went in to be with Mom and it was a pretty emotional evening for them from then on. Lots of tears and sadness over Mom's state of health.

The reality is that she's really slipping and I'm never quite sure which Mom I'm going to encounter when I go in to take care of her. I like it when the cheerful Mom shows up but more often than not, the confused, irritable Mom is the face that I see. I'm learning to distance myself from her emotionally and to not let her moods drag me in. Poor Dad can't do that as well and I see now why he chooses not to hear her sometimes. I'm never quite sure if he hears even half of what she says while they're in bed because he doesn't have his hearing aids in. The other morning he made the "crazy" sign and that was the first time he'd indicated to me that he knew she was talking nonsense. For instance, one morning as I was giving her medication I asked how she had slept and here's what she said:
Mom: "pretty good until the little girls came" Me: "you mean our girls?"
"no, the little girls we were supposed to take care of before they're adopted." To which I replied:
"here's the good news, Mom, that was a dream and you don't have any little girls to take care of." She then turned to Dad and said, "did you hear that, Bob? We don't have to get up and take care of those little girls!" He just smiled and nodded and I doubt he had any idea what we were talking about.

This morning was a bit more concerning...she couldn't come up with my name. I'm used to her not knowing where she's living so I asked her if she remembered where she was. Dad told me that she thought she was in a hospital and was asking for the nurse. I told her she was living with me and that's when I found out she didn't know my name. She kept telling me..."now don't tell me; Hannah, Bekah, ....I just can't remember!" Finally with a few hints and reminding her my name started with an H and was her favorite childhood story she finally came up with it. Just a little disconcerting.

So I made an appointment to talk with her cardiologist next week. I need to know what to expect and how to help her as she continues to fail. I've come to believe that her memory loss is more from lack of oxygen than a symptom of Parkinsons so one option I'm going to explore is getting her a tank to use at night. We'll see what the doctor has to say. In the meantime, I just try to find the humor and continue to remind her that she's safe and loved with me. And she is.

Gratitude

I've come to believe that our perspective/ attitude/outlook is what makes all the difference in our lives. I do believe we have a choice and that we are given countless opportunities every day. Some days I find it hard to be positive but I've discovered a couple practices that enable me to get back on track. First and foremost is time with God as I read His love letters to us - the Bible and then spend time in reflection and prayer. I used to read the Bible out of duty and without joy but now I experience the love of God being poured over me. A close second is the walks I take with the dogs in the woods where I get to marvel at the beauty of trees and watch Penny frolic with abandon. Everything falls back into place as I let random songs on my Ipod take me through all kinds of emotions: joy, sadness, grief, anger (even sheer delight as I rock out to Kool and the Gang :0).

So this season of Thanksgiving I want to acknowledge a few things I'm thankful for:
1. For the healing that takes place in my life and our marriage as I give control over to God.
2. For the opportunity to be stretched and grown as I care for Mom and Dad (and all the other blessings that come from having them in our home).
3. For happy, healthy, well balanced (but definitely not perfect) children.
4. For two new, clean and functioning bathrooms:0)
5. For good friends that I can share both joys and sorrows with (and that can share their's as well)
6. For the opportunity, every day, to give thanks for the abundance that I enjoy simply because I'm a US citizen.

May you find many things, both large and small, to give thanks for every day. Today, I'm especially grateful for hot coffee after a chilly walk in the woods.

Withdrawing

Mom's withdrawing from life. She wants to do less and less. She hardly got dressed at all last week and yesterday I gave up on trying to get her to church. I don't think she wants to go anymore and I doubt it would be meaningful to her at this point. So I'm going to need to find someone to stay with her so that Dad and I can still go. Her solution is for us to leave her at home, alone. I told her that was not going to happen and she said "don't you trust God to take care of me?" I do and I still want someone with her!

I wonder what is best for her at this point? I'd like to make an appointment with her cardiologist and just talk openly about what to expect for her. She doesn't want to exercise, move around, get out of the house and mostly she just wants to sleep. When she does move around she breathes so heavy that I'm afraid she's going to have a heart attack. And that's a very real possibility.

I was talking with a friend last night who had just sat with her mother-in-law while she passed from this life to the next. She said the end was not pretty and that singing and praying is what got her through (and this from a nurse who's seen close to a hundred deaths). This is another part of the journey that I have to surrender to God. I believe He will give me the grace to be what they need in the moment of death. It will be a privilege and I'm grateful for what I'm learning as we continue down this path together. I cannot worry about what that will look like - those kinds of speculations are futile and take away from the present. Fear and worry are two companions I'm learning to part ways with: gratitude and joy are so much more pleasant and since I do have a choice - I choose the latter! With gratitude and with joy I head into another day of unknowns but full of the knowledge that I have a Saviour who journeys with me and gives me strength!

Gail's Visit

The weekend of November 6th was Mom's 86th birthday and so Gail came to be with us to celebrate. And to give me a break. I took off with Ben on Friday afternoon to go and visit the girls in Oregon. We made it to George Fox in time to join Bekah at a jazz concert. Her "special friend" Leif, was playing drums during it and we ended up sitting right in front of his parents. Their relationship is sweet and I'm glad they're taking it slow. Bekah is doing so well at George Fox and seems to just glow with happiness every time I see her: such a confirmation that this is the right place for her. The next day we took Bekah to Linfield and picked up both Hannah and cousin Aaron for lunch and a trip to the Air / Space Museum. I just reveled in being with all the kids and enjoying their company. Bekah, Aaron and I watched the Imax film "The Dream is Alive" which is all about the space shuttle program. I have seen pictures of earth from space before but this was really something. Watching countries pass under the shuttle (they could circle the globe in 90 minutes) was spectacular and I found myself worshipping God throughout most of the 40 minute movie. I was moved to tears a couple of times thinking about all 7 billion people on our planet and how much God loves each one of us. Even though my limited mind cannot comprehend how He knows and cares intimately about all of us, I believe that He does.

Returning to Seattle on Sunday morning, we made it in time to join Hallack in worship and then it was home for Mom's birthday dinner with 13 of us. I know she really enjoyed it all and it was so special that all of her children (except Greg who was at work) were with her. The next day, Gail didn't have to leave until 4:30 so we had time to hang out and get caught up a bit. It was a wonderful extended weekend and I enjoyed it all. At the same time, I was ready to get back into our routine.

However, on Tuesday, the guys from Home Expressions came to start work on our bathroom and that has consumed much of my spare time and threw the routine right out the window! It was hard for Mom to have Jeff and Travis in and out all of the time - especially since we were down to one bathroom and all of us had to share it. I'm delighted to be able to say that the second bathroom is done (with a few trim things for me to catch up on) and just in time for the girls to be home.

I planted a whole bunch of bulbs on Wednesday and all the while I kept thinking - will Mom be around or aware enough to see them when they shoot forth next Spring? Will Dad? I have their angel sitting on a rock right outside the window and I planted the bulbs all around her. It should be a glorious sight come March and April and I'm hopeful that they'll be able to enjoy it. Once again I'm struck by the gift that this time is - the "living one day at a time" aspect of it. I have no choice but to rest in today.

Mom's Fetish

Mom has a Kleenex fetish. I know I have to have a box within reach everywhere we go so I have one in the car, by her bed, in the bathroom and their living room. It's the first thing she reaches for when she gets up and heaven help us if she doesn't have a pocket to put them in. So you'd think that I'd remember to take them out of her pockets when I do the laundry! Nope. I even posted a note on the washing machine that says "check for Kleenex!" but I still forget. Then when I take out a load to put in the dryer - what a mess. I usually have to shake out the clothes and run the vacuum to clean up the floor as well as the machine. Last night I thought I'd remembered it all but then found 5 or 6 napkins that must have been in Dad's pockets :0). Someday I'll probably long for the surprise of tiny bits of shredded paper spilling all over the floor. Right now it makes me laugh, sigh or groan but the lack of it will someday make me cry. So I'm cherishing this funny quirk and letting it be part of my stretching experience - most days that is!

Visitors, Adventures and a Week of Appointments

Last week my husband gave me a wonderful idea - to look up some old friends from their beloved church, Grace. I had heard them talk about David and Valley Head for years and had been meaning to call them and finally did so when Dad seemed like he could really use a friend. Am I ever glad that I did! They came last Friday and it was such a delightful visit. I loved hearing them reminisce and seeing Mom perk up (as well as Dad). It was fun to play hostess and Hallack made some really tasty blueberry scones. Since they now know where Mom and Dad are (it turns out they'd been trying to locate them for over a year) I'm sure that we'll have more visits from them and other members of their small group.

Then on Saturday, Greg and John came to visit. I know how much it means to them to have their children visit - so they perked up that day as well. This is what I really hoped would happen when they moved in with us - life. Regular visits from friends and family and the sense that they belong in the middle of things - not parked away in a gilded cage.

On Sunday we were able to make it to church and left from their to head up to Adie's house. We stopped to pick up Subway's $5 footlongs so that we could all make the drive and it was so pleasant (albeit rainy!) The folks hung out with Adie while I worked in her garden (a long overdue birthday promise) and it was nice for me to have that change of pace and for them to see Adie's sweet cottage and be able to visit with her. The drive home was uneventful and we were all ready for a good night's sleep.

This week has been less visits and fun adventures and full of tasks and appointments. We went in for Mom to have a banding procedure on her hemorrhoids - not her idea of Halloween fun but it was fairly frightening! I discovered that she needs to have more fiber in her diet so off to the store I went for Benefiber and Tucks medicated pads. Yesterday we had a follow up appointment to check on her coumadin as well as give a urine specimen for both Mom and Dad to make sure their bladder infections are gone. Having to urinate on demand is very stressful for Mom and yet I battled her to drink enough water because she's always afraid that she'll have to go unexpectedly. I can't seem to convince her that the Depends are dependable! While sitting in the doctor's office she said to me "I'm so tired of all this," and I know how hard this is for her. Today we have a mammogram and bone density appointment and I'm not thrilled about having to put her through these latest torturous tests. I know that I need to take care of her health and it had been a long time since she'd had a mammogram but...well NOBODY enjoys that test and really...is it absolutely necessary? I find myself weighing how important all these procedures are and the benefit of doing them. It was so freeing to tell the eye doctor that I wasn't going to bring her back after her near panic attack. I wonder about all the tests that their primary care physician orders so blithely (and the toll it takes on our medicare system as well as my parents mental state). This is where I wish I had a glimpse into the future and could see how much longer she has and then I come back to reality and know that I don't want to know that! I want to take each day as a gift and celebrate the life we have today. So...I guess we'll go to the appointment and then we'll find a way to enjoy life as well. I think we'll stop at the coffee shop housed in a church that we pass every time we go to an appointment. That will give us all something to look forward to!

Bathrooms

We have a new bathroom with a 5'6" roll in tile shower and new fixtures. Yesterday I ordered the final piece - a classy medicine cabinet. It's a beautiful room and one we've needed to remodel for 14 years! As I think back on the old room, I can hardly believe the difference and am grateful that we didn't remodel until now for we would never have thought to make it ADA accessible. Hannah says she's going to live in it when she comes home for Thanksgiving and I smile to think how much the girls will enjoy it. Ben and Hallack both use it but I have to confess that for me it is not exactly a sanctuary but rather a place of work(or maybe place of ministry is a better way to look at it.) I clean it quite frequently and now realize why their bathroom at Aegis never looked or smelled very clean. I used to think that they weren't cleaning it but now I know that it needs to be done daily or at least every other day. I'm so grateful for this spacious, easy to clean facility that works so nicely for Mom and Dad (or it really will when I get the mounted shower bar - Dad apparently pulled the curtain down again last night!) It's just not the place that I want to escape to.

So I'm delighted to say that next Monday the guys are coming back to get started on our other bathroom (which has also needed remodeling for 14 years!) Travis doesn't think this will take more than a week and I'm so excited about it. I'm not looking forward to all the work this will add to my schedule (emptying the bathroom, painting/trim work, finding places for all our stuff) or the challenge it will be to share the one bathroom (I told Mom yesterday that we're going to bring in the second commode in case there's a line up and she can't wait :0). When it is done, though, it really will be a sanctuary for me (and whomever else wants to use it.) Now if we can just make it through the week or so of remodeling, it really will be done in time for the girls' Thanksgiving homecoming. I'm grateful for a holiday dedicated to giving thanks as well as anticipating a house full of joy...and another new bathroom.