Mom's Confusion

A new wrinkle in Mom's state of mind...she doesn't think she had children and was worried about telling Dad. In telling it to me, she caught herself calling him "Dad" to me and changed it to "Bob." Funny how the mind works...she knew that was somehow wrong. He's in with her now reminding her of all our names and telling her how much he loves her. Weeping all the time and it's breaking my heart. He also is showing signs of confusion, sometimes wearing Mom's clothes and she sometimes wears his. This morning when I asked him what he wanted to do today, he said, "I'll just exist." And this is also breaking my heart.

So I'm smack dab in the middle of realizing that I can't make things right for them. I'm not God and having them here is the right place but it's also not going to take away from the fact that they're slowly losing touch with this world in preparation for the next. I have to let go of my delusion that I can heal their minds, their bodies and their sorrow at aging, simply by loving them and having them live with me. This is hard and sad and necessary and all I can do is live in the grace that God gives me daily.

The past two days, Adie was here and it was so good to have her companionship. We talked and laughed and reminisced together. And she cut both Mom and Dad's hair - they look so much better! I found that having her here made Mom and Dad's confusion more of a reality. Usually it's just me listening to their ramblings and I can be a bit detached emotionally, directing them toward practical tasks and not taking it too seriously. With her here I found myself getting a bit hysterical and laughing at some of the wild things she was saying. Then I felt bad that I couldn't control my hysteria...I don't usually laugh at them. This sort of reminds me of grief and I suppose this is a part of grief. You can't control when and how it shows up and it doesn't always seem appropriate. Actually all of this feels out of control and I take great comfort in the truth that God is in control. And I will give myself permission to grieve the daily losses I am witnessing and in a way also experiencing. Sometimes I feel like my body is decaying right along with theirs (well, of course it is, just not at the same pace) and then I remember how Hallack felt the same way as he ministered to so many elderly people at Lake City Presbyterian Church. He would come home and tell me he felt some of the aches and pains they spent most of their time complaining about. And he was a lot younger than I am now so I'll chalk this up to that.

It helps so much to actually put this down in writing and i'm actually feeling much better. Dad was able to motivate Mom to get up and together we got her dressed and eating her breakfast. She now remembers that I'm her daughter! And from here we'll find something adventurous (adventuresome?) to do. Even if it's going to the grocery store and having lunch. And I will look for the many signs of life springing up all around us and I will rejoice.

Taking A Moment

I'm finding that nothing happens without me being intentional - especially writing. Too many days I've not made it to this blog so today I'm taking the time to reflect on where we've been the past couple of weeks. We've been:

-to Oregon to visit Bekah and catch Aaron in a Linfield game (just me, not the folks!)

-to see Dr. Lee and get a great report on both Mom and Dad's blood counts (and then to get assignments for six more medical procedures..."1 appointment always leads to 3 more!")

-to Safeway's pharmacy for tetanus and shingles shots (where Dad picked up two candy bars because "the sign said they were free" - but the fine print said buy 2 get 2 FREE)

-to the ER because Mom was started to see writing in her food and became extremely agitated and I suspected a bladder infection...I was right

-to the dermatologist where Dad got the growth on his face taken care of..along with several other pre-cancerous skin lesions

-to radiology for Dad to have a bone density scan (although we first went to the place where Mom had hers - in the breast center and they politely told me they don't take men!)

And tomorrow, I'm happy to say, we'll be going to North Shore Adult Care so that Mom and Dad can spend the day in their wonderful facility and I can have a day off. Everyone has been telling me to take care of myself and this is a big step in the right direction. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some guilt about taking them there but I'm not going to make it for the long run if I don't do this. I have a mammogram scheduled for the afternoon...for which I am overdue. In filling out the paperwork for North Shore, I had to count all the dr's appointments I've taken them to in the past year....34! (and that doesn't include the ER visits or the ones that Mark took Dad to :0). So I thought I'd better get a mammogram and physical for myself. And a day off once a week to remember that I am not God and they will survive without me. I know that it may be a battle to get Mom up, dressed and fed by 9:30 so I'm asking for prayers that it will go as smoothly as possible. She is not very reasonable when she has a bladder infection so this could be tricky.

So that is the news from our household as we finish up week 25...but who's counting?