A quick trip to Oregon - Hannah is home!

I'm back from a last minute trip to Oregon.  Hallack thought I needed to get away for a couple of days and it turns out he was right.  It's been a "hellava" week.  First I need to say how grateful I am for a husband who really sees me, wants the best for me and sometimes even knows what that is before I do!

It started last week when Joelle Thomassen was given about a week to live.  Joelle was my sister-in-law's mother-in-law and a lively member of our holiday gatherings.  She had been fighting lung cancer and was getting ready to have chemo when they discovered that the cancer had spread all over her body.  What a shock to go from thinking about treatment to preparing for death in a matter of moments.  She spent an amazing 8 days on the 12th floor of Swedish surrounded by family and friends who loved her and she took her final breath on Friday morning.  I took Bekah to say goodbye on Thursday and told her that I'd be back with Hannah on the following day (who was returning from Ecuador that night.)  We were on our way down to Linfield so that Hannah could see all her running buddies that she'd been missing for the past 4 months.  When I found out that she wanted to be in Oregon by one o'clock, I almost cancelled our visit to Joelle.  After all, that meant we'd have to be there by 8:30 or 9!  I had Hannah call to see what my sister-in-law thought but she said to go ahead.  That is why we had the extreme privilege of being two of the last people to see Joelle alive.  Scott and Cheryl (her son and daughter) had been awake with her all night and her breathing had slowed to the point that we almost thought she had gone while we were standing around her bed.  We got to hold her hand, tell her we loved her and I prayed with her.  It was so peaceful and beautiful and went a long way toward alleviating my concerns about doing this with Mom and Dad.  We left after about 30 minutes and before the hour was up we got the text saying she was gone.  I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that truth so I can only imagine how difficult this has been for her sweet husband, Norm, her children, grandchildren, sisters and the rest of her big extended family.

On the Wednesday before, I got an email telling me that my cousin had passed away and a memorial service is scheduled for this Thursday.  I plan on going and taking Dad with me because Sandi was his sister's child and I think it will be really good for him.  Mom will not want to go because she barely wants to get out of bed.  The next day after finding out about Sandi, I heard that the son of my pastors at Vineyard Community Church had passed away.  Ben was in his mid thirties with a wife and two small children.  He also had been battling cancer and in his case it had gone on quite a while with all the ugly side effects that treatment brings.  Finally, I have been getting reports about a 17 year old named Josh who is one of my nephew's best friends.  Josh has been fighting cancer for over two years and is now nearing the end of his battle.  He took 5 radiation treatments in order to shrink the tumors in his head enough so that he can make one last trip to Hawaii with his parents and friends.  The last I heard they left yesterday so I'm praying for a memorable and enjoyable trip for all.  Death has been all around me the last week and it has been weighing me down.

The final straw didn't actually land on my pile until the drive home yesterday.  That is when I took a moment to call my spiritual director, Julie Anderton.  Julie has been in my life for the past seven years and has taught me how to really hear from God.  She sat with me through some of my darkest days and brought the light of Jesus to places of despair.  I'd heard she was having memory troubles so I called to check in with her.  What she said knocked the wind out of my sails.  She told me that she has Alzheimer's and that it's progressing rapidly.  In fact, she had friends who'd come to help her pack and get her on an airplane to join her sisters on a final trip to England.  She said that she was glad I'd called because she wanted to say goodbye to people who'd been important to her before she no longer remembered them.  I'm weeping now just as I did when I hung up with her and when I called her later to say how important she has been to me.  The sadness of Julie's situation brings home to me the despair I fight daily of living with someone who's no longer the same person.  Julie's attitude underscored why she has been such a powerful influence on my life.  She was rejoicing in all the people surrounding her and was looking at the future with a light heart and gentle acceptance.  I feel the pain of this loss (even though she's not been a regular part of my life for a couple of years) partially because Mom's attitude is so opposite.  She can be very difficult to work with and is often demanding, frustrated, or complaining.  I don't know how Julie will be as the disease progresses but I'm hopeful that her sweet spirit will prevail.  Either way, dementia is a cruel way to lose someone and I'm just a little envious of how neatly Joelle's life has ended (as if death is ever neat!)  At the same time I recognize that though she got to say goodbye to everyone and had very little discomfort there is no such thing as a good death.  It's all hard and wrong on this side of eternity.

On this side of eternity we have to look beyond the pain to the bright hope of new life.  On this side of eternity I weep for all the losses and the people drowning in their grief but I choose to have faith that this will all day make sense when we are birthed into a new life.  I reread the book "Final Gifts" a couple weeks ago and passed it on to Joelle's family last week.  The timing was undoubtably providential as it helped all of us understand this passing as we read the stories of many who'd already made the journey.  If you have eyes to see and hearts open you know that a new life is beckoning and loved ones are waiting.  None of us make this final journey alone and that gives me great hope.

So I enter back into my routine here with Mom and Dad;  saddened by the losses and  recognizing my battle with depression.  I choose to lift my eyes up and see from "whence cometh my help."  I'm very grateful that I have Bekah home and (after taking care of her grandparents while I was gone) she really gets it.  She told me that she understands my feelings of depression and being isolated.  She did a wonderful job and I couldn't be more proud.  She handled it all - messes, meals and motivation (all with Hallack nearby) and I can't believe that she was willing to take it on for my sake.  I also know that this was a defining moment for her and will continue to shape her into the woman of God she is becoming.   God is GOOD.  I'll close with something Julie has said that has been a lifeline to me these past 7 years - "God is terribly efficient, He uses absolutely everything for your good."  I've experienced this in the past so I cling to it now.  His grace IS sufficient.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today is Dad's 93rd birthday so he got up, took a shower and put on his dress slacks and tie.  I thought it was in honor of his special day but he said he thought it was Sunday!  Another sign that he's slipping (that and the fact that he took Mom's pills this morning - yikes!)  It has been a really good day full of cards, calls and flowers/chocolates from Gail.  I took him this morning for a pedicure and in a couple hours we'll head up to Marysville to meet up with Adie for dinner.  All in all a great day.

Mom had a visit from the memory tester that works with the UW.  18 years ago, Mom signed up to have her memory monitored and since it hadn't been done for two years, she was due.  Sheila asked her a bunch of questions which Mom completely failed.  For instance, she asked her to name as many 4 legged animals as she could and her answer was "1948."  Actually her answer for everything was either 1948 or 1958 no matter what Sheila asked.  Even I didn't know how much her memory retreival had slipped.  After 5 minutes or so, Sheila talked with me privately and said "what has happened in the past two years?"  She said she'd not seen anyone slip so rapidly and thought this was more than Parkinsons.  I'll have a chat with her case manager and then they'll send me a neurologist.  I'm looking forward to hearing what he has to say about her, and he will be someone vested in really understanding what is going on with her.  Not like her current neurologist who is almost always 30-60 minutes behind schedule and who talks with us for 15 minutes and then gets up to walk us out the door.  I'm not sure he has any real idea of what's going on with Mom.  He means well and he is the one who wrote the prescription for hospice evaluation but he certainly doesn't have the motivation to really evaluate what is going on with her.  So I look forward to the experts from the Group Health/UW memory study and I'm very grateful that I have this gift of additional help.