Ben

The announcement just came - the one that I've dreaded for the past six weeks. Little Ben Towne has left his shell behind and hearts are breaking all around the world. I sit weeping for his family and can't imagine the searing pain they must be feeling. The sadness even strangers feel as we've been privileged to enter their story. Now we're privileged to carry some of their pain.

In light of this news the verses that God impressed upon me this morning seem even more alive. I was looking for my first passage to memorize as part of Beth's challenge and the following jumped out at me:
Romans 8:22-25
"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us, it's within us. the Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, anymore than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy."

This is my passage to memorize but Paul goes on to say:

"Meanwhile the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."
vs. 26-28 The Message Bible

For all those who've been touched by Ben, may we all come to know how he's enlarged our lives. Especially his family. Groaning for them, Heidi

Blogging about Beth

God has spoken to me during some really dark times through the messages of Beth Moore. I love how much she loves God and how it shines through in her life. I get a kick out of her southern style. I appreciate her delicate position as a female leader in a southern baptist environment. I believe that God is touching many lives through her ministry.

So I follow her blog and have now attached it to mine for a very special reason. She has a wonderful challenge for 2009 that I'd love to encourage anyone and everyone to take. When I read about it, my spirit leaped within me. I'm going to take it because I want to draw closer to God and I think she's right on in this challenge. So take a moment, go to her blog and read about it - she explains it much better than I could. You'll be glad that you did.

The Face of Christ in Charles

I got my Christmas gift in an unexpected way yesterday - I got to see Jesus. I didn't realize it at first, in fact, it took reflection today to help me see it. Let me see if I can explain....

The days leading up to Christmas were really difficult for me. Being snowbound and feeling the enormous pull to "do Christmas" just like normal had taken a real toll on me. I felt sick, I got sick and I so I did a 12 step e-meeting (people sharing their thoughts with each other on email). In my share I wrote the following:
"I'm also much more aware of the homeless in our own city. I've taken blankets and sleeping bags to Nickelsville and was hoping to join some friends in serving them breakfast on Christmas Day. I know this all sounds noble but what I'm really struggling with is a desire to go back to ignoring the needs of others. I don't want to see the faces of the poor people in Africa or the homeless in Seattle. Or I want to fix everything. I just don't want to live in the tension."

So you can see that I was really struggling. I wish I could say that I fought off the consumerism and only gave my kids homemade gifts and gave the money I saved to the homeless or the poor of Africa. But I didn't. In fact, despite all my big talk, I don't think our kids experienced a lesser Christmas at all. I did give some to the poor of Africa and some to Nickelsville but not as much as I could have. So it was in that frame of mind that I went to serve the people of tent city.

This is how it went....I got up really early and made several batches of cinnamon rolls - my Christmas Day tradition. Only this year, two batches were for tent city. The girls and I made it to the U District by the blessing of our friend Andrew's snow tires and skillful driving. When we walked in I was struck by two things - how many people from Vineyard Community Church were there and the smell of unwashed bodies. After handing off my cinnamon rolls I looked for someone to talk to. First I talked to Richard, the man from Nickelsville who takes in all the donations. I'd met him when I dropped off the blankets and sleeping bags so he was safe to talk to. We had a nice little visit but later I was drawn to a conversation with two women I really admire from VCC. It was easy to talk to them - much safer than trying to make conversation with a "homeless person," besides, we share common ideals and wounds. Finally we broke off our conversation and I was about to get my Christmas gift.

That's when I saw Charles. He was sitting all by himself and diving into a plate of ham and cinnamon rolls. I remembered what my sister-in-law said about their experiences with the homeless of Lake City..."they just want to tell their story," and so I sat down. After introducing ourselves I said, "so what's your story?" In retrospect, not the most gracious of conversation starters but Charles was gracious to me and began to tell it. I won't go into all the details but his is not an unfamiliar tale. Alcohol and prison play a big part in it as well as frustration with the system that professes to want to help but requires him to jump through some really strange hoops to get it. We talked about AA and al-anon - his disdain of people always telling what they used to do rather than offering solutions. He really wants to stay sober and so I encouraged him to keep looking for a meeting that is helpful and to get a sponsor. I talked about my need for a sponsor and how she keeps me from getting bitchy. Somewhere during this story, my girls sat down and got to hear much of his story. He told me about some amazing times when God intervened as he was ready to drink. He told me about his mom and her strong belief in God and we agreed that she is very likely praying for him. We talked about God's love for us and how He shows up in unexpected places. He said that I was his guardian angel and I told him that he'd been an angel to the young girl he'd tried to give $5 dollars to. (He also said that when I first sat down he'd thought "oh no, what does this woman want?")

This morning I realized that he was my gift - the face of Jesus in an unlikely place. The redemption of my Christmas as I realized I don't have all the answers, can't fix all the problems but can have a cup of coffee, make cinnamon rolls and spend some time hearing someone's story. I can wrestle with my greed, confess it, and take some steps toward being healed of this poverty of my soul. And I can choose to live in the tension - the "I can see all the problems but I can't fix them" tension. I can open my heart to Jesus and He can help me see that He's here. In our midst and especially with the poor. Even the poor in spirit like me. So thank you, Jesus, that You came and that You still come. And bless Charles today - get him through the ridiculous hoops to get the help he needs - bless him in ways only You can know that he needs. Thank you for sending Charles to me - only You knew how much I needed him.

Barbarians

God has called us all to be barbarians. I believed that when I was younger but somehow the responsibilities of marriage, family and serving churches buried that passion. In a word, I became civilized. I feel as if I'm waking up from a long seduction and am remembering my call: to follow Jesus no matter what the cost.


While flying home from Africa I sat next to a pastor of pastors. Benjamin and I had a nice long chat about his ministry to 13 different pastors in widely different parts of the world and how we see the church changing. He encouraged me to read The Barbarian Way by Erin McManus which I'm in the middle of it right now. He was right - it has awakened me; not to new ideas but rather to the call I first experienced. I've been praying for several years to fall more deeply in love with Jesus and this book is another step in the journey toward realizing my prayer. It is both exciting and terrifying to once again say "Lord my life is no longer mine - it belongs to You. Do with it as You see fit."


What does a barbarian life look like? Well, it's not safe, that's for sure. Just like Mrs. Beaver says about Aslan - He's good but He's not safe! And I think I've been playing it safe for quite a while now. As a mom, I really want to keep my kids safe - this is a dangerous world and it's all about keeping them safe. I read a thought provoking article about the impact that Adam Walsh's murder has had on our nation. The good and the bad. An article in the Times states the following: "for example, when Adam Walsh disappeared, there were databases on stolen cars, stolen guns and just about everything but abducted children. Efforts today include placing missing children's faces on milk cartons, every state participating in fingerprinting programs, and schools and stores have increased security. There is a national center, database and toll-free line devoted to missing children." I think we'd all agree that these changes are valuable and yet they've come with a high cost: terrified parents and children. We are all too aware of the dangers out there and have made safety a top priority. We've built bigger walls and have instilled "stranger danger" into our little ones. We've created an "us and them" mentality that leads to more fear and less community. I'm no longer satisfied with this mindset.

Being a barbarian means that I give up the expectation that God will keep my kids safe. He may not and I have to trust that He knows what's best for them ultimately & eternally. I'd rather not outlive my children but if their future means walking away from their Savior... well, that would be a fate worse than death. I'd rather my children experience life abundantly than safely. I'd rather they follow Jesus and trust in His loving guidance - even when doing so leads them through the "valley of the shadow of death". I'd rather they "fear no evil" than shield them from it. I'd rather have them be barbarians. Even if it terrifies me.

This Voice in My Heart...

is the title of a book I just finished reading about the genocide in Burundi. I knew so little about what happened there and it was only briefly talked about but is a major contributor to the troubles of the poor women there.

This Voice in My Heart is written by Gilbert Tuhabonye - a world class runner who escaped a massacre but not without debilitating injuries. He recounts how in the worst moments God spoke to him and assured him that he would survive. I encoureage you to read it for not only does it put a face to the suffering there but is also an inspiring story that gives hope - I got it from my local library. I really enjoyed the parts where he describes his life as a young boy; he made Burundi come alive for me again and I realized how much we can learn from the simplicity of his agrarian lifestyle and the vigorous discipline of their education. Even though their system is a far cry from perfect, his story highlights the emphasis they put on getting a good education - they know it's their one ticket out of poverty!

Gilbert now lives in Austin, TX and has no desire to go back to Burundi. This is despite the fact that there is much about life in Burundi that he still loves and even though much of his family is still there. The main reason he stays in America is that he fears for his life in Burundi. This only reinforced my sense of the instability of Burundian politics - how genocide is not only a part of their past but is still in their present and very likely part of their future. All the more reason to empower the women - they really are the key to positive change.

Turning 50 with No Hot Water

I had a delightful 5oth birthday - so many special moments and I felt totally celebrated. It was just my kind of day (actually a couple of days!) spent in small gatherings of good friends and, of course, my family. Thank you all so much for letting me know that you care about me. I think 50 is great!

The next night was a different kind of experience - an "oops, the hot water tank busted and the bathroom is a flood!" We just got a new heater installed today and are delighting in being able to run the dishwasher and washing machine. Although it was a bit inconvenient to heat water on the stove to bathe or wash dishes with, I really didn't mind it too much. I just kept thinking about what I have compared to what the people in Burundi have - I have it really good!

I've also been thinking about the homeless who are struggling in our freezing temperatures. My sister & brother-in-law are spending part of the night tonight in a temporary shelter so that some of their homeless friends have a warm place to sleep. I couldn't be more proud of them. They volunteer at a drop-in program called Stop, Drop and Roll where they've made many friends. Each Thursday night they spend time with the homeless of Lake City who come together to make meals and have a safe place to put their belongings for a few hours. It's a great program and I wish more churches would set up ones like it. I'm hopeful that this economic downturn will make us all care for each other more. The food drive at Ridgecrest (our elementary school) has been a huge success and it's a good thing: families with needs are up 40%. Seeing needs and responding to them - doing what we can with what we have. If we all do a little it adds up to a lot!

The Mud Puddle Revelation

I was in the woods again with our dog - we try to go every day and he really lets me know he's disappointed when I can't fit it in. He's my exercise barometer. Anyway, as we were walking, he stopped to take a drink out of a mud puddle. As I have done many times in our walks, I called him away from the water and told him I'd get him clean water when we got home. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks - how many men, women and children had I seen in Africa who drink water that is much worse than the puddle I didn't want my dog to drink? Ouch. What do I do with that? Guilt doesn't help the people of Africa - action does. So I remembered the website Adventconspiracy.com and went to it again. We have really cut down on Christmas and so I sent in a donation via their link: http://www.water.cc/living-water/get-involved/ways-to-give/ . In their words: "A child dies every 15 seconds because of the lack of clean water. It costs us an average of $0.98 to provide clean, safe water to one person for one year: every dollar makes a difference! Our goal is simple. Our vision is clear. Your help is crucial!" I'd rather do this than get a sweater from my husband - I have lots of sweaters. And lots of clean water.

Gloriose

Today I'd like to introduce you to Gloriose - I've been in email contact with Gloriose in order to find out more about her and get her story straight. And to wish her happy birthday - she turned 50 on November 21st! I now feel ready to tell you about her and am trusting that I can do her justice. We met Gloriose in Burundi and had no idea how her story would touch our hearts.

I wish you all could meet Gloriose, see her beautiful face and hear her sweet, gentle voice tell you of her passion for women. And she is passionate about women! She has an incredible heart that, first of all, loves God and secondly, breaks for the women of Burundi. She believes that God is calling her to minister to these desperately downtrodden but beloved women - I believe she is too!

Gloriose began a radio career 24 years ago and as her voice has gone out over the airways, so has her love and compassion. As Gloriose tells it, "I saw around me the life that other women led like my mother and I didn’t stop thinking that my Burundian society lived essentially off the efforts of women:
It is the woman who goes to the field to cultivate while the men go around pretending to work.
It is the women who look for food and who suffer when the children are ill.
Today it is the women who learn a small business to insure the family’s survival when the husband leaves home."

So she set out to do what she could to help. Having only become a Christian in 1991, by 1995 she began a ministry (with women from her church) to help the sick. These women share from their own meager salaries in order to bring food to the hospital and then to pray with the ill. (When you think hospital, don't think of our standard but rather ones where human rights are regularly abused. A Human Rights Watch news release quotes the following: "I had to come to hospital because I needed a caesarean delivery. When I got the bill, the doctor said to me, 'Since you have not paid, we will keep you here.' Life here is difficult. I don’t have permission to leave with my baby. We are often hungry here. I cannot stand this situation any longer.– Christine K., an 18-year-old woman detained with her baby at Louis Rwagasore Clinic, Bujumbura. )

As the years have gone by, Gloriose continued to reach out to and care for women. In her own words: "I think a lot about women. I pray for women. I encourage women a lot. Those who have heard me for a long time can testify that in my radio programs my interest is in women. I am convinced that God wants to transform our Burundian society, which suffers from so much evil during more than twelve years of war, using transformed women.

I suffer with the woman who lost her husband during the war and who does not know what to do with his orphans. I would like to do something for her.

I suffer when I see many girls and women give themselves to prostitution because of heartless men who, instead of helping them honestly, prefer to buy and abuse their bodies.

I suffer when I see women contaminated by HIV/AIDS because they were raped.

I suffer when I see the poor woman always tired for the survival of her children." As she learned more and grew in her relationship to Christ, she was led to a ministry of listening. With training, she has learned how to really listen and get to the core of a woman's needs.

So what is Gloriose's plan to help the women? She has developed a plan that is quite extensive in scope but also very practical. She has set up an association that will offer training and micro-finance to the women. Global Support has set up a fund to help get resources to Gloriose and I encourage you to pray about being a part of this support. If you are interested, please comment on this blog and I'll get you information on how to do so. I believe that Gloriose, with a little support from a lot of us, could transform the lives of thousands of Burundian women. I believe God has called her to do so and I'm obeying a calling to tell others about it. Please pray, please tell others about Gloriose and please consider giving of yourself to the women of Burundi.

A Night of Remembrance

A big thank you to all of you who came to the presentation last night. It was fun to tell the stories, show the pictures and hear your questions. A special thanks to Jesse for helping us with the computer challenges - we really needed you! What I'm a bit disappointed with is our lack of conversation about Gloriose. I'm really excited about coming alongside her and will be devoting an entire blog post to her life story. At the present, I'm looking for someone to translate her vision and story from French to English. I think it'd take me another lifetime to do it (hey, I brushed up on my French before going but I only had two years in Junior High and that was a long time ago!) Anyway, even though we didn't talk about her last night - you'll be hearing about her from me soon.

I was alerted to a special about genocide that will be airing several times on CNN. The link to find out about it and preview some of the special is: http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2008/scream.bloody.murder/ Not a pleasant title but it's not a pleasant topic yet one I believe we must face honestly and work for change.

Before I sign off on this entry I want to report that we got Ben's bike back. Most likely by the boys that stole it. I had Ben make a sign and post a $50 reward and so they brought it back on Friday morning with a story about finding it in the woods. Yeah, right. I'm very grateful to have it back and now it will be kept locked in the shed - all the time. And Ben is going to do some extra chores to help with the reward. Since he and I ride bikes together as part of our special time - it was really important to get it back. Even if by the rascals that took it.