Getting Caught Up

Wow, it's been a long time since I last wrote - so much has happened and I'm trying to distill what has taken several weeks to transpire!

I've discovered a new joy - talking with young parents (or rather, parents of young children). I was asked to meet with a Christian community called the Ohana Project to talk about parenting. I sat down and reviewed all my parenting books, wrote down all the things I wished I'd known before I had kids and asked several people what their advice would be. The end result was a lot of wisdom from several sources and the discussion that happened after we ate together was precious. When I think about what made it so fruitful was that I started the evening with a cute video of Hannah and Bekah when they were two and three. They really were so very darling and when I look at the videos I wonder how I could ever have gotten mad at them? But as I confessed to the group that night, I did get mad at them - one time I even kicked a hole in the wall.

Ahhhhh, the hole in the wall story. Now I can think about it without overwhelming shame but that wasn't always the case. When it first happened it was like a wound in our home that I couldn't hide - I just had to face it. First I had to face the girls and admit how ridiculous I looked (they laughed). Next I had to tell Hallack what I'd done - he was gracious, as usual. When my brother came to visit, I had to tell him the story; when friends came to visit, I had to admit what I'd done. It was several months before we finally got it fixed and I remember it so clearly. Now I see it as a way to open up discussion and to let vulnerability make it safe to talk about how very difficult parenting can be. None of us do it perfectly - no matter how badly we want to. That isn't the only time I've lost it while parenting - just one of my more memorable ones.

So I got to use that formerly shameful experience in a way that I trust will bring grace to tired parents. Isn't that just like God? To take our brokenness and use it to show us grace and then allow us to use it to heal others! I don't like to be broken but I am and standing in the ever flowing grace of God allows me to be present with my brokenness and immediately healed. If I don't feel His forgiveness as I admit and confess my sin, it's not because He's not offering it. It's because I'm not accepting it. I've spent too many years judging myself and trying to measure up to an impossible standard. Now I just want to live in humility and allow God's Spirit to gently point out my sin so I can turn back to my Loving Father and accept His forgiveness through the sacrificial death of Jesus. Not cheap, but not complicated. Grace, ever present and near as my next breath, Grace.