Mom's Confusion

A new wrinkle in Mom's state of mind...she doesn't think she had children and was worried about telling Dad. In telling it to me, she caught herself calling him "Dad" to me and changed it to "Bob." Funny how the mind works...she knew that was somehow wrong. He's in with her now reminding her of all our names and telling her how much he loves her. Weeping all the time and it's breaking my heart. He also is showing signs of confusion, sometimes wearing Mom's clothes and she sometimes wears his. This morning when I asked him what he wanted to do today, he said, "I'll just exist." And this is also breaking my heart.

So I'm smack dab in the middle of realizing that I can't make things right for them. I'm not God and having them here is the right place but it's also not going to take away from the fact that they're slowly losing touch with this world in preparation for the next. I have to let go of my delusion that I can heal their minds, their bodies and their sorrow at aging, simply by loving them and having them live with me. This is hard and sad and necessary and all I can do is live in the grace that God gives me daily.

The past two days, Adie was here and it was so good to have her companionship. We talked and laughed and reminisced together. And she cut both Mom and Dad's hair - they look so much better! I found that having her here made Mom and Dad's confusion more of a reality. Usually it's just me listening to their ramblings and I can be a bit detached emotionally, directing them toward practical tasks and not taking it too seriously. With her here I found myself getting a bit hysterical and laughing at some of the wild things she was saying. Then I felt bad that I couldn't control my hysteria...I don't usually laugh at them. This sort of reminds me of grief and I suppose this is a part of grief. You can't control when and how it shows up and it doesn't always seem appropriate. Actually all of this feels out of control and I take great comfort in the truth that God is in control. And I will give myself permission to grieve the daily losses I am witnessing and in a way also experiencing. Sometimes I feel like my body is decaying right along with theirs (well, of course it is, just not at the same pace) and then I remember how Hallack felt the same way as he ministered to so many elderly people at Lake City Presbyterian Church. He would come home and tell me he felt some of the aches and pains they spent most of their time complaining about. And he was a lot younger than I am now so I'll chalk this up to that.

It helps so much to actually put this down in writing and i'm actually feeling much better. Dad was able to motivate Mom to get up and together we got her dressed and eating her breakfast. She now remembers that I'm her daughter! And from here we'll find something adventurous (adventuresome?) to do. Even if it's going to the grocery store and having lunch. And I will look for the many signs of life springing up all around us and I will rejoice.