Coming up on a year....

I'm asking for prayers since I'm facing the fall with a bit of depression. I
met with a caregiver counselor and she said that I probably need
anti-depressants. The way she described my situation - like a car that is
trying to run with a rundown battery made sense to me. I am low on serotonin
and it's hard to even get started to do the things that help give me joy. I made an appointment for both Dad and me to go see our doctor and get some medical help.

I've noticed a trend with me...when I'm feeling lonely or overwhelmed and sometimes in despair I often go to Facebook. First to see how the girls are doing but once there, I get hooked by the postings I see. And then I do a dangerous thing - I repost articles that lean toward the left. My thought is always that if I post a particularly compelling article that some of my really radical right leaning friends will rethink their positions and we can come more toward center. A wrong thought in this political climate. So then I go back to a place of faith and hope and trust. Will either political party determine the future of our country or is God really God? I shudder to think what our future will be like if greed and hatred really are the driving forces. Not convinced that a democrat agenda will be the answer but, for me, it really is the lesser of two evils. Finally I have to say that my trust does not rest in a political party or a country but in the God who created this amazing world we live in. A God who loves not only me (and those who look and think like me) but every single global citizen. I refuse to let any election, any crisis or my own personal situation drag me away from that Truth.

I had a good talk with Dad last night after a pretty rough evening with Mom. One where she was sobbing, confused and wanting to go home. It does no good to try and reason with her so I simply sat, held her hand and prayed for her. I ended up putting her to bed even though it was only 5pm because she simply was too distraught. Dad lay down with her for awhile and then got up to talk with me. He is sad and trying to face the reality of her situation - a very brave thing to do. We are going to see Mom's neurologist this week and perhaps Dad should sit in on that appointment just to get a better sense of what is happening with her.

Here are some of the latest developments with Mom:

-she's taken to avoiding the cracks in the floor unless I remind her that it will not "break her mother's back."

-she no longer seems to be able to tell whether or not she's really hungry and always says she is, even after finishing a substantial meal.

-she has begun calling me "mommy"

-I've had to increase her seroquel (anti psychotic medicine) to three times a day instead of two

-her words increasingly come out wrong although I can usually make sense of what she's saying (ie "I need to let the picks go to will" actually meant "pills go to work.")

-she's often agitated and either scared or angry - the movie "A Beautiful Mind" keeps surfacing in my thoughts even though I don't know if it actually fits. Perhaps I need to watch it.

So that's some of my ramblings for today. I'm starting to pray for God to take her home sooner rather than later for she seems so unhappy. I do believe that she will go in the "fullness of time," and my job is to care for myself, Dad and her as best I can each day. A lot more daunting of a task than this time a year ago but the same call nonetheless. Here's to a year almost come to a close - a year that I'm sure has impacted me in ways I can barely understand. And for that I am very, very grateful.