Conversation with Mom

I've been in to see Mom several times this morning...to give her pills, talk with her about getting up and each time she has sent me away. Nay, begged me to leave her and I have done so even though she is wet (and that is usually motivation for her to get up.) This last time she told me that she wants to get out of here. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Where do you want to go?
Mom: To my own house where I won't be bossed around every minute of every day.
Me: Are you ready to take care of yourself? Make your own meals?
Mom: Um hmmm
Me: What is it that you don't like about being here?
Mom: Well none of us are happy, doesn't that make you feel bad?
Me: I know it's hard for you to not be in control. Do you know that I love you?
Mom: Not really, it doesn't seem that way.
Me: Well I do love you and I hope you can trust that I'm taking care of you in the best way I know how. Do you know who you are?
Mom: I don't think so.
Me: Do you know who I am?
Mom: No.
Me: Well how about I come back in about 40 minutes and then we'll get you into something dry?
Mom: I suppose so.
Me: Are you warm enough?
Mom: Not really (at which point I covered her up and let her settle back into sleep.)

It always helps to remember that she's not really herself and doesn't really know where she is when she's angry and somewhat mean. How hard it must be for a woman who was always so in control of her life to be out of it! I go back and forth between wanting to let her have her way and then making decisions that I think are for her best. Should I just leave her in bed all day? Is that really what she wants? Do I quit getting her up to go to the bathroom and for meals and to go out for her doctor's appointments? Am I prolonging her life for selfish reasons? Really, I'd like some help with this! Perhaps it really is time for a hospice evaluation and for both Dad and me to let her go. I appreciate all prayers in regards to this. She really deserves to live out her last days in the ways that bring her the most peace. When I told the caregiver counselor that Mom said 'I only want to do what pleases me' she said to me "good for her!" I'm learning to look at it that way as well.