This has been the week of great sadness. It started earlier this week with tears from Mom and Dad over their circumstances and ended with the expected but still difficult news today that Mom's sister died. Interwoven have been teary phone calls from Hannah over relationship challenges. Tonight I feel tapped out but also grateful for moments of provision and grace. I'm especially grateful that I can call Adie, Gail and Mark at any time to get encouragement, love, support and very often a reason to laugh.
Last night as I was getting Mom ready for bed she said that she needed to get some sleep because they have that little child to take care of. I looked at her quizzically and asked "Ben?" And she said no, she couldn't remember the name but she thought Hib's son (my cousin Art who is now 56!) She looked so normal sitting there, smiling and talking nonsense - those moments still catch me by surprise. When she's lying in bed and has hallucinations (like the one on Wednesday where she thought she was in a hospital being abused...) I'm more prepared than when they just come out of the blue.
That helps me to understand why their primary care physician doesn't see the reason for looking into hospice. He doesn't see her lying in bed, refusing to get up to even use the restroom. He only sees her after I've coaxed, cajoled, bribed and threatened her to get up, get dressed and get in the car. When she's sitting there smiling and pleasant - she looks pretty "with it." That is why he sends her for a mammogram and bone density test (which I now wish I had refused). He really doesn't know how little she holds onto of herself. How fragile she is and how the most loving thing is to help her let go. A large part of her is so ready and then there's the part that doesn't want to leave Dad. I've come to believe that he really needs to give her permission to go - for both of their sakes.
I set up a visit to Grace Lutheran on Monday so that David Head (a dear friend and leader of their former small group) can talk with Dad. He's the spiritual leader that loves them both and can give Dad the comfort he needs and making that appointment saved the day for me. After giving Mom the ice cream she requested (I offered tea, she wanted ice cream) and then fixing Nachos for dinner; we ended the evening by watching "Black Beauty." By the time she went to bed she was all smiles and sunk into bed with a deeply contented sigh. I'm not sure where the news of Cordy's death went but I don't think it was in her conscious thoughts. My prayer is that she sleeps well and dreams of reuniting with people she loves.
With everything else going on, I was extremely frustrated to discover that our mischieveous dog had chewed up the papers I had finally finished up to send in to the long term care insurance. I'm trying to get some help with paying for respite care. This has been hanging over my head for several months and it was finally all ready to go - and now I have to start all over. This means I have to have new papers sent to me and have to have the doctor fill them out again. The only good thing that could come out of this is that this forces me to really explain to him what is going on. The tricky part is that either I need to have conversation with him over the phone or I'd have to do it with Mom there. Either way I can't do anything about it until Monday so I guess I'll just enjoy having the girls home.
Once again our house is full with life and stuff and love and I'm so glad to have the extra help. I'm sure I'll be able to get Dad out more with the girls home. Just in the nick of time. Thank You dear Heavenly Daddy!
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