Having Hope

Once again I'm back on the hopeful side, the "sunny side" of life and determined to not let myself get pushed to that overwhelmed place again. Today I took in the papers to have Dr. Lee sign them and they're finally finished and in the mail so I should soon be able to get some respite care assistance. The big turn actually came with a visit to Dr. Kirschner - Mom's neurologist. We have a series of steps to take with her medications to help deal with her hallucinations. He was so helpful, thoughtful and understands how challenging this can be. It will probably take several weeks to see some results but at least I feel we are moving in a helpful direction.

I also had a nice talk with Dr. Lee (while signing the papers) and I think he understands better what we are dealing with. I ran into a friend who's been through something similar with her parents and she told me that since Mom can rally herself and get out for things; she probably isn't ready for hospice. Someone else had told me that hospice likes to come in early to get to know the person and have a more normal relationship and that if it goes longer than six months then they will extend (so many people giving me so much advice.) I have to discern what is helpful and what is not. Then there is the fundamental difference between what hospice does and what their primary care physician is aiming toward. I really appreciate Dr. Lee and his sweet manner toward Mom and Dad (and me) yet his whole goal is prolonging life while hospice is geared toward ending well. I want both of them to end well with peace and joy - not clinging to this life but eagerly anticipating the next. I want that for my life and yet so much of the medical community is focused toward hanging onto life at all costs. And what a cost it is. I would rather live my life like the apostle Paul who said "For to me, living is Christ and dying is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which I prefer. I am hard pressed between the two; my desire is to depart and be with Christ for that is far better; (Phil. 1:21-23) He goes on to say that since he believes it will be for the good of others that he will stay "in this life." Our problem with death today is that we've lost that longing to be "with Christ." We no longer desire Heaven like so many believers before us. We are so focused on this life that we fear death and the next life. After our brother Neal died, I realized that I didn't know much about heaven. I figured that since that was where he now is, I wanted to know more about it. So I started reading and studying and found a wonderful book called "Things Unseen." It helped me so much that I'm now re-reading it to Mom (and Dad sometimes listens). I don't know how much she understands but she's enjoying it and it's helping me immensely.

I've had so many sweet and precious talks with Mom about how hard this is. She wants to know why it's so difficult and during one of those talks I had a flash of insight. I asked her to remember how hard the end of pregnancy is and that even though childbirth is scary, you are willing to go through anything to be done with pregnancy. I told her that is what happens for some people as they die. We often fear death and so we need to get to that place of desperation before we're ready to let go of this life. And I don't think we can even begin to imagine how amazing the next life will be. The closer I draw in my relationship to Jesus the more I long for this new life. Oh, I'm no more eager to die than the next person but as I learn to love and trust Jesus more I also long to know Him without limitations and that will only happen in Heaven. So I continue to speak well of what is coming and I trust that this will make it easier for Mom to let go when it's her time. Whenever that is.