How Writing Helps

One thing I've come to accept about myself is that I need to write. Usually I need to write in my journal to get all my thoughts and emotions out (where I can literally look at them). Today I feel that I need to be honest with my depression. I am fighting depression and I know it doesn't help to suppress it - I've tried that before! Facing and pondering it is the best cure I've found.

I've come to believe that depression is anger turned inward and it's usually a sign that I'm not being honest with myself. Nice girls don't get angry - they get depressed. So I've been asking myself, "what might you be angry about?" I might be angry at God as I see how hard it is to age...how can this be a good thing? This aging? I'm very likely angry at the seemingly unending nature of this kind of care giving. I'm quite possibly angry at Mom and Dad for not being more prepared for aging...they seem so surprised by it. I'm probably a bit angry at God for what sometimes feels like a stall pattern in my life. I'm sure that I'm angry that Mom and Dad didn't deal with the dysfunction in their relationship and how they still war with each other (even while still needing and deeply loving the other).

Now that I put all the reasons I might be angry (oh there are probably a few more) I now want to deal with it constructively. The best way I know how to do that is to list all the things I'm grateful for. And then to spend time being grateful. This isn't Pollyanna thinking - it is a choice available to me to change my perspective. I have so much to be grateful for and that is the place I want to shift my focus to. Here are a few things I am thankful for:
1. This opportunity to grow and learn more about myself through the two people who were most influential in my life during formative years.
2. A wonderfully comfortable bathtub that allows me to sit back and soak in.
3. Lots of time to think. reflect, pray and, yes, write.
4. Sweet moments of tenderness that I get to witness between Mom and Dad and that we all get to give to each other.
5. The truth that this caring for them is a privilege and that it won't last forever.
6. The uncomfortable stretching that happens as I face my own selfishness and choose to put their needs first (in a healthy and not co-dependent way!)
7. Two dogs that force me to get out for regular walks in the beautiful woods so close to our home.
8. Friends and family that tell me I'm important to them and check in on me.
9. A husband who has weathered many storms with me and is truly my best friend.
10. Children who bring me deep joy as they grow and challenge my perspective and love me just the same.
Finally, I'm so very grateful for Jesus, Who loves me too much to let me wallow in anger and self-pity but draws me into His arms of love and gives me the courage to face all my circumstances. Oh, and I'm really glad for music that enlarges my soul and gives voice to my emotions - I better go put some on right now.