A Burden to Our Children

I've heard the saying, "I want to live long enough to be a burden to our children." Well I want to go on record saying that this is exactly what I don't want. When I tell our kids, one daughter's response is "I want you to put that in writing and renew it every year." And she's right, because once you get to that place you no longer have the capacity to make those decisions. And it sounds so easy to say when you're 50, 60 or even 70 something but if you're 80 something and still healthy it would be so easy to think, "I'm not going to be a burden." But the changes can come so fast and the health challenges so complex. On Friday night as I wandered the halls of the ICU I saw a lot of people being kept alive by machines and medicines that are costing hundreds of thousands of dollars. And I can't help but think of my friends in Africa and how this is not an option for them. When they are really, really sick...they die. No matter the age. I wonder what the best policy is for us who have the technology and resources to keep people alive should be. This is not a popular topic and sounds heartless but it does need to be discussed. As a nation, we cannot afford to keep paying for the extraordinary measures we now use to keep the elderly alive. Or the extremely sick. Just because we can doesn't mean we should.

The tough thing is to do this for someone else - to make these decisions for our parents. I will use our situation as an example. Mom had an emergency on Friday night due to her hemorrhoid procedure. Three weeks ago she had a banding procedure and after the band fell off she started to bleed. Had I any idea how serious it would get, I would have insisted that the proctologist's nurse find me someone to see immediately when she told me the doctor was not available and I'd have to wait until Monday. However, hindsight is 20/20 and I didn't have that kind of vision so I took her advice to see how things progressed and then panicked when I saw how much she was bleeding at 10:30 that night. Due to the blood thinners that she's on, she had bled nearly two cups when I went to get her ready for bed. I got her to the ER where she bled that much again three more times and then to ICU where she spent all night continuing to bleed as they gave her transfusions and medicines to reverse the effects of the blood thinners. All in all she had to have 4 blood transfusions, along with platelets and so many IV's of liquids that I lost count. Had she crashed they would have put her on life support and intubated her. All this for a woman whose heart, mind and body are all failing and who barely wants to get out of bed most days.

Am I glad that they saved her? Of course I am but I'm also aware that her death is coming whether I like it or not and are we utilizing our resources in the best way that we can? But, how could I stop this whole process without seeming cruel? Even though I know that where she is going is vastly better than the life she is living now! I can't, so I take it as a lesson for what I need to do for our children. Our generation (I'm talking Boomers here) needs to take the bold step and say that we will not take down Social Security and Medicare by our enormous numbers and growing medical needs. We need to do it now while we can and not force our children to make those decisions for us because we've bankrupted them. This is a complex issue and not one solved simply but I believe we have an amazing opportunity to be selfless here - not something our generation is good at being.

To finish the story, I'm happy to say that Mom is now home and the first night went well. She is eliminating the extra liquid they poured into her so she's had to be changed several times and I'll have a bit of laundry to do today. She and Dad are so sweet and we all know that we dodged a bullet this time. I believe that it was not her time to go and we are all cherishing the extra life she's been given. And I continue to be aware that each day is a gift for each of us and to live it as fully as I can. Without fear.