I've been mulling over a version of this post for weeks, maybe months, and find that it's time for me to be honest: with myself, with our situation and with anyone who wants to take the time to read this. It has been a difficult month and so I'm facing my shortcomings, selfishness, and vulnerability.
First of all, I have to say that I'm coming to the end of myself (once again - I find that God takes me here because He loves me and wants me to grow and this is the latest in a series of "end of myself" episodes.) I'm grateful that He brings me here in loving, gracious ways and only periodically. I don't know how I could handle it if it happened all at once! Make no mistake, I knew this was part of the deal - this stretching and growing but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy it! I am grateful nonetheless.
The place of my stretching became obvious on my drive home from taking Bekah back to George Fox. We left Sunday at 2pm and less than 24 hours later I was on my way home. I connected my ipod to the car stereo and let it shuffle through songs randomly and just opened my heart up to God. As the songs played, I felt God's love and tenderness for me and I wept. For most of the drive. I wept because I'm emotionally exhausted (because I have NOT gotten the respite care that I need - a priority for the new year.) I wept because I heard God's love and tenderness for me. I wept because I knew He was calling me to love Him as I care for Mom and Dad.
That should be a no-brainer for me - something I've known since I first began to read the New Testament. Jesus told us that we best demonstrate our love for Him through loving others. It's what Mother Teresa lived out so well and what we all admired about her. I agree with that way of living life: in theory, in the abstract and as I look out over the brokenness of the world I often feel God's heart for the lost, the broken, the wounded, the widow, the orphan. I've often prayed to have the same kind of love relationship with Jesus that I've seen with Beth Moore, Billy Graham and a couple other Christian leaders who radiate a love for Jesus in their lives. On the drive home, I knew that God was calling me to live out that love for Him as I care for Mom and Dad. To love them just as if they were Jesus Himself. And that made me cry.
I do love my Mom and Dad. I have tenderness for their vulnerability and brokenness. I want them to live out however many days they have left with fullness and vitality. I want them to know how deeply loved they are by God and I regularly tell them so. At the same time, these two people have hurt me deeply (oh, all parents wound their children so I'm not telling tales!) Even though I know they loved me, they left scars on my soul when I was too little to defend myself. I don't even fully know how they scarred me but I know there is some pain there that even goes too deep for conscious memories. And that is why Jesus wants me to love Him by loving them. He wants me to be healed from all that as I love them. That is what love does...He heals (because God is love!) He forgives, He restores, He brings life and wholeness. That is why I so want that relationship with Jesus because "in Him there is life."
The part that I have to be honest with is that I was perfectly content loving them from a distance. When they were living in Wenatchee I thought they'd be there until they died and I was fine with that. I actually thought "John and Alex wanted them to live nearby so they can take care of them until the end." Selfish and distant... I'm embarassed to admit it but that is where I was at. When their health started unraveling, I found I couldn't stay so removed. When I tried going over more regularly, I realized how impractical it was to have them in eastern Washington. When I realized that God was calling me to obey the 5th commandment(honor your father and mother) I didn't hesitate but embraced His call willingly. As this call has evolved to the point where it is today - I see how God has been bringing me along one step at a time. I know that this will be a time of major transformation for me and I'm grateful for it. I realize now that had they stayed in Wenatchee and I'd stayed removed, I would've missed out on this amazing opportunity to grow, to love, to be healed. So sometimes I feel selfish that I have this experience and the rest of the family does not. My prayer for each of us is that we all take the time to love and be healed with our parents. I know that many times families wait until it's too late and I feel blessed to be in this place with them. And I know that I have a ways to go.
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