Now that life has settled down, Dad and I are missing Mom. I just said goodnight to him and we talked about how we miss her. He keeps waking up at night and feeling for her. I keep thinking of all the good and hard times from this past year and now I just feel sad. Little things like taking the "check for kleenex" note off the washer, or realizing how much more room there is in the garbage (without all her depends)or filling Dad's pill container and seeing Mom's empty ones or visiting the doctor's office with Dad and letting him off at the front door alone...all these things make me ache. At first the relief of not having all the care made me think I wouldn't grieve. And then I thought that I'd only grieve the Mom I used to know. Now I'm just sad about it all. I miss her funny comments and I even miss her grumpiness. I just miss her and I hurt for how much Dad misses her. I don't wish she was back because I know she's whole, complete, fulfilled. I just miss her.
It probably doesn't help that I've been reading through my blogs of the past year. What a year it has been and how grateful I am that I didn't know 12/2/12 was her date with destiny. I went to a "longest night" worship service and spent some time writing her a note. I wept as I wrote how I wished I could've been totally patient with her. You'd think that I wouldn't have any regrets since I took her in my home and cared for her so personally but I guess there's always room for improvement. I know that this time with her was her final gift to me. I learned so much and I did grow in many ways. I also got to say goodbye to her in degrees. Katherine (my caregiver counselor) says that it's like a long journey holding hands and you slowly let go. As she fades away, I'm trying to love Dad in a way that honors her and respects him.
So I'm thinking more about how important it is for us to look death straight in the face and live fully each day. I'm watching Dad decline and know that I have another death to walk toward - besides my own! He is failing mentally as well as physically and spent most of Tuesday thinking I was Mom. We're trying to figure out how to make the most of each day. Today we volunteered at the high school - helping hand out the fundraiser cookie dough. I know he feels lost and so do I. I am confident that God is in this and will give us the grace we need each day. I read a quote today that speaks to our need to face death and I'll finish with it:
For any culture which is primarily concerned with meaning, the study of death - the only certainty that life holds for us - must be central, for an understanding of death is the key to liberation in life.
It probably doesn't help that I've been reading through my blogs of the past year. What a year it has been and how grateful I am that I didn't know 12/2/12 was her date with destiny. I went to a "longest night" worship service and spent some time writing her a note. I wept as I wrote how I wished I could've been totally patient with her. You'd think that I wouldn't have any regrets since I took her in my home and cared for her so personally but I guess there's always room for improvement. I know that this time with her was her final gift to me. I learned so much and I did grow in many ways. I also got to say goodbye to her in degrees. Katherine (my caregiver counselor) says that it's like a long journey holding hands and you slowly let go. As she fades away, I'm trying to love Dad in a way that honors her and respects him.
So I'm thinking more about how important it is for us to look death straight in the face and live fully each day. I'm watching Dad decline and know that I have another death to walk toward - besides my own! He is failing mentally as well as physically and spent most of Tuesday thinking I was Mom. We're trying to figure out how to make the most of each day. Today we volunteered at the high school - helping hand out the fundraiser cookie dough. I know he feels lost and so do I. I am confident that God is in this and will give us the grace we need each day. I read a quote today that speaks to our need to face death and I'll finish with it:
For any culture which is primarily concerned with meaning, the study of death - the only certainty that life holds for us - must be central, for an understanding of death is the key to liberation in life.
Stanislav Grof
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