She's Gone

I was going to wait to write this but I'm already a bit fuzzy on the timeline so wanted to capture as much of the bitter-sweetness of this time as I can.  Mom quit breathing about 3am Sunday morning.  I say about because Gail and I had both drifted off to sleep so we're not exactly sure of the time.  We had been taking turns sitting beside her, listening to her rattling breaths but assured by her calm facial expression that she was not in pain. We woke up at 3:30, realized that we'd missed her passing and at first I was upset but then I realized that she had picked the timing that was just right. She spared us those last lingering breaths that seem to stretch out interminably.  Just like Mom to leave us sleeping peacefully.

The whole timing of her death has had grace all over it.  I wasn't sure, when I asked Gail to come, if we really were close but it turned out it was "just in the nick of time."  Gail got here on Thursday (Mark brought her from the airport) and the hospital bed arrived just a couple hours later.  We had some EMT's move her because she was in pain and afterward began a regimen of morphine.  She was no longer able to speak and yet we could usually figure out if she needed water, was too hot or cold and if she needed more morphine.  On Friday she had a nice visit from dear friends (Floyd and Doris) and their pastor came up from Des Moines (during rush hour!) to bring them communion and prayer.  Mom seemed to be aware and appreciative.  Will and Corinna joined us in the evening and witnessed the communion and prayer- praying with us. We later spent the evening gathered around her bed, visiting and enjoying each other's company.  On Saturday morning, Mom's cousin, Susan came to visit and with Dad by her side, holding her hand, we passed the time reminiscing.  Later that day my sister-in-law and brother-in-law came to visit and they too had a chance to tell her goodbye and share good memories.  She was so much more alert on Saturday and stayed awake the whole day - that was a big change from her usual pattern.  Saturday night we had a birthday party planned for Ben who turned 15 on Monday.  I called all the parents to let them know that Mom was failing and while I didn't think she would pass during the party, I couldn't be sure.  The party was in a different part of the house so the ruckus could barely be heard in the living room.  The party ended at nine and Dad headed off to bed about the same time (but not before he did his darnedest to convince us that she wanted to come back to bed with him.)  A short time later, Mom's breathing changed and we could tell that her time was getting short.  We kept her comfortable and took turns sitting next to her, holding her hand and telling her we loved her.  Until we could no longer keep our eyes open.  And that's when she left us.  Sleeping peacefully.  I imagine that she lingered over each of us, maybe even kissed us gently as she had undoubtedly done countless times when we were growing up.  Our loving Mom, whole again.  From our side she went to John where he awoke and knew she had passed on.  He felt very comforted, told her goodbye and then fell into a deep sleep.  That's how we know she died shortly after 3.  John was the first to know.

While I'm sad, I'm finding it hard to wish that she was still here.   I'm so convinced that she's now in complete joy and reunited with so many loved ones.  It was the most difficult to go wake Dad up and tell him she was gone.  We called Adie and waited until she came down so that all three of us could comfort him.  His grief has been piercing and sporadic and I don't know how he's coping.  We have surrounded him with love - especially the first night when we gathered around his bed and prayed for him. So I do know how he's coping.  He has the prayer support of many people and the love of the Father who knows (more than any of us) the depth of this pain.  Thank you for your love and prayers and I ask that you continue as the weeks unfold.  With the deepest sense of gratitude, Heidi