Seeing Dad Decline

It's been a rough couple of weeks in transition.  Dad and I are trying to make the best of every day but some days we just stumble through.  Earlier this week, I asked him if he wanted to go shopping with me and he said "yes, I haven't bought Ruth a Christmas gift yet."  I didn't say anything but was praying grace for him while aching inside.  He thought for a while and then said, "but Ruth is dead."  The dementia that is setting in is both a blessing and painful.  He is not nearly as grief-stricken as he would've been a year ago but he has to keep remembering that she's gone.  He just seems lost without Mom to anchor him.

I'm feeling sad, numb, overwhelmed and, at times, perfectly at peace.  Dad is also cycling through many emotions and I'm trying to balance giving him space to grieve with activity.  I know he needs both so I just try to give him options.  Thursday was a very difficult day because we went to pick up Mom's ashes.  He said he wants to keep them here because it's all he has left of her.  I had picked out a nice urn and as we unpacked it from the box we were both struck with the finality of the label which reads "the cremated remains of Ruth Marie Stoll."  He fell apart and cried himself to sleep.  I sat with him, praying, reading Psalms, listening to music and rubbing his back before he told me to "go join the other mourners."  I have noticed that time has lost relevance to him and sometimes he thinks Mom just "died yesterday."  I heard him cry out to God in the middle of the night and I went to check on him.  He seemed to be sleeping but I couldn't get back to sleep for a couple of hours.  I try to use those awake times to pray.  We are in God's care - I know it deeply and prayer helps me stay in a place of trust.  I continue to ask for prayer as I know that is what is holding us up.  Blessing on you as you hold loved ones close this Christmas.  In the Name of the One who left the peace of Heaven to bring us peace!