Parenting our Parents cont'd

I realized that I never finished my account of February 22nd - how we got to the place that we're at. I'm going to attempt to finish that account of this ongoing story. If for no other reason than to remind myself how God has led me through this process.

Be forewarned that this one is REALLY long!

The weekend I went to see Mom settled into rehab was traumatic for me. Seeing them sitting together and the fear in Mom's eyes when we had to leave her at night was excruciating. She claimed that she was being abused and shoved onto her bed and while I only saw kindness and caring from the staff....well, we weren't with her 24/7 so I couldn't be sure. Then there was the issue of Dad being left in the apartment alone - that was not working so we needed to move him into assisted living at Bonaventure (my brother calls it Bon Voyage). I became convinced that if we left Mom at that rehab facility she was going to die there; and my brother John agreed with me. What to do next was the big question?

On Monday I had it all arranged to get Dad moved into a one bedroom assisted living unit at Bonaventure. My big, strong nephews had the day off and they were planning to come help me move a couple pieces of big furniture - just enough for Dad to get by on. I spent the morning moving his clothes, toiletries and a few kitchen essentials. I was on my way to rehab so that Dad could sit with Mom while the boys were helping me and something very unexpected happened - my van just stopped working. I pulled over to the side of the road all the while watching my neat little plan unraveling. I called John and he came to get Dad to take him to Mom and I found a towing company that could get someone to me in 30 minutes. When I got to the Honda dealership it turned out the part was not too difficult, they had time and they could get it done by 5pm. So John met me at the dealership and graciously let me take his big diesel truck so I could get Dad and go back to moving him (all the while trying to get his work done - once again I want to thank John and especially his wife Alex for all the ways they cared for our parents in the midst of very busy schedules and demanding jobs.!)

After getting my van back, Dad and I headed to Bonaventure and began tackling moving his TV so that he'd have something to watch. One of the caregivers there, Tammy, just "happened" to be there during the morning and she'd already helped me to move his bed. A side note about Tammy is that we'd made connections on earlier visits and found out we have a mutual love for Jesus and "healing rooms." In case you don't know about them, they are wonderful places to go for prayer and healing of all sorts and they're springing up all over. Tammy had become a friend and advocate for our parents and prayed for them regularly so I wasn't surprised (too much) when she "happened" to be there just when I needed her.

So that evening we got a cart and started to move a few of the bigger items. Since Dad was having trouble walking, I convinced him to sit on the dolly and hold his big flat screen TV while I rolled him down the hall. I have to admit that it looked ridiculous so when one of the caregivers saw us and started cracking up - we just had to join in. Then, like an answer to prayer, all of the sudden John showed up and we were able to move the love seat and dining room table and Dad was set. But by now it was too late for me to head back to Seattle so off to John's house I went to spend the night - exhausted and wondering "why I was still in Wenatchee?" I don't believe anything happens by accident so I began praying and asking for wisdom on what to do next. I hardly slept that night and at 4:30 called my sister Gail who was in Chicago (or one of the many other places she frequents for work) and talked over all my concerns with her. A major concern was that Dad was not doing well with Mom gone and would go looking for her in the night. They are so used to each other always being there .... it's almost like losing your limbs - half of you. I got up and went back to Bonaventure to their old two bedroom unit to shower and get ready for the day. At 5:30 am I called my two dear friends/prayer buddies (who were meeting at our regular Tuesday morning Starbucks prayer time in Lake Forest Park). I needed their prayer/wisdom/support and the minute I heard their sweet voices I began to cry. Immediately they began to speak the word of the Lord to me - I knew it was because it ministered deep into my soul and provided a light in what seemed a dark tunnel. They told me that I was looking for a short term solution when I needed a long term one. They also said that I needed to tell my parents that I love them and want them with me. This was true (as a family we had already decided that we needed to move them to Seattle to be centrally located but were trying to find the right time and way to break the news). After listening to them and being prayed for, I was in a whole new space. Now with a light heart and easier steps I made my plans for the day - to get Dad back with Mom and talk things over with them. I did so with the confidence that this is what God wanted me to do. Mom was so relieved and even Dad accepted this (although you should've seen his eyes when we told him what we were thinking. Change can be difficult at any age but especially hard when you're 91!) I think he realized how Mom was giving up and he was willing to do anything to get her back to a place of hope and interest in life.

So I headed back that day to Seattle and dove into finding just the right rehab for Mom. After asking around and visiting several places I settled on Manor Care in Lynnwood which was a pendulum swing in the right direction from where she was in Wenatchee. We started the process of getting her transferred (thanks to lots of help from John) and here's where the details start to get fuzzy. At some point I headed back to Wenatchee to help get the final pieces of their lives at Bonaventure moved out. Before I got there, the big two bedroom had been emptied and cleared out and a storage unit had been rented (by brother Greg). I think that I didn't get there until Sunday afternoon but prior to that, Mark, Gail, Greg, John and his family and Adrienne had been working all weekend on cleaning the house out, the apartment and taking things to storage. Really...I don't know how we would've done it without everyone doing their part.

Here is where I need to interject one of the biggest blessings during this year of upheaval and that is how it has brought all of us siblings together. Even more than when our brother Neal died (and that bonded us as well) but this time we have all seen that our love for our parents and each other has been a life saver and a deep joy. I KNOW this is not always (or possibly even usually) the case. Many families fall apart in times of crisis and take out their stress, grief and pain on each other. We are not that close (in proximity or emotionally) and have differing views on politics and religion but our love for each other and our parents supersedes all that. Hmmmm, perhaps there is a wider application to our experience. Could it be that love, or lack thereof, is truly the crisis our nation is facing? Or even our world? But I digress....whatever the lesson to be learned, I am extremely grateful for the ways that each of us has been able to rise above our woundedness and differences and let love motivate our actions. Here's to you, dear brothers and sisters....you are truly the best part of my childhood and I can't imagine life without any one of you.

The next phase of this journey was to actually get Mom and Dad to Seattle. Gail drove them in our van and has her own story to tell of stopping to go to the bathroom. I went ahead of her in our little car (oh, yeah which Greg had to fix up for us since it was missing a brake light and Gail got pulled over in it. I almost forgot that piece!) Somehow I missed her call that they needed to stop so she had to do it without me (and Mom was using a wheelchair at that point:0) John followed us with his truck full of bed, TV and other essentials so that we could set Dad up in our house. We got Mom to rehab and settled her in and then took Dad back to our house where John had already set up his room.

After John and Gail went back to their homes, we settled into a routine where Dad would spend days with Mom at Manor Care and I would work and then go get him in the evening. It was a wonderful godsend that Adie could come down some days and her son, Will, also pitched in with the transportation and visiting. Sometime during the three weeks that Mom was at Manor Care, our daughter Hannah had a week off from college. She'd asked, much earlier, if her friend Claire could stay with us that week since home for her was Hawaii and too far to go. We, of course, said yes not having any idea what that her bedroom would be Grandpa's and they'd have to bunk in the basement :0). They were great sports and ended up helping quite a bit with cooking and transportation of Dad.

During this time I was really wrestling with wanting to move them in with me when Mom was finished with rehab. The rest of the family thought I was crazy (and I did too, sometimes) but the main thing that stopped me was lack of restroom facilities to accommodate Mom. That and the craziness of my job. So I resigned myself to the choice that Gail and I had found when she came to help with the move. We had decided on Aegis - an upscale retirement home with assisted living that was 1.7 miles from my house. The weeks in rehab were filled with physical therapy and visits from family and while she was making some progress, there were always scenes of Dad not wanting to leave her and her desire to spend most of her time in bed. She also claimed that they were abusing her but begged me not to say anything because then they would take it out on her. The one she was most afraid of was Lisa her physical therapist. I knew this to be delusional because I observed Lisa with her and she was the one who diagnosed Mom's Parkinsons. She pushed Mom but always with love and cheerfulness. On the last day she told Mom that she'd been influenced by her to pray and even go back to church. That goodbye scene made me cry as I thought about how afraid Mom had been in that place and yet God was still able to draw others to Himself through her.

After 3 weeks at Manor Care, Mom seemed to stop progressing and was withdrawing again. Being separated from Dad was taking a toll and she still believed she was being abused. One Sunday afternoon we found her sitting in her wheelchair, parked next to the nurses station. Her eyes were as big as saucers and she looked terrified. We took her back to her room and she started to cry. She didn't want to make waves and she was miserable sitting there but too afraid to say anything. I realized then that they didn't know what was best for her and it was time to get Mom and Dad back together. I found out that rehab could be done at home so we started the process to get them moved into Aegis. Once again, it took a group effort from Greg, John, Gail and me to get them settled in. Good times have been had around packing and unpacking boxes and suitcases - getting smaller and more condensed with each successive move. Little did we know then, that in eight months we'd need to do it all over again.

So I now settled into a routine of checking in on them daily or at least several times a week. When they first moved in, Mom was in a wheelchair and needed help with almost everything but being back with Dad was great medicine (as well as the home health care) so it wasn't too long before she was walking again and needing help mainly to shower. The Evergreen Home Health program was wonderful and gave us many suggestions for ways to help both parents succeed. Mark became a vital part of their care as he partnered with me in finding supplies they needed, building platforms to lift up their chairs, taking them to appointments and coming once a week to spend time with them. Mark has become my co-parent and really don't know if I could do this without him. I'm quite sure I couldn't.

The past eight months have been a blur of visits and appointments. I joke that one appointment always leads to three more and this has been true with visits to the dentist, optometrist, neurologists (they each have their own), cardiologist, dermatologist and primary care physician. We've discovered a backlog of health issues and have been working through them as they come up. One major issue for Mom was a recurrence of skin cancer on her nose which had to be removed. Their primary care physician, Dr. Lee, noticed it and had us go to a dermatologist who then referred us to a specialist which resulted in minor surgery. I say minor but when they called me in to go over the post surgery care (and before they bandaged her up) I almost gasped. The stitches ran from between her eyes, down her nose and then followed the line in her face to the corner of her mouth. It's healed up really nicely but it sure shocked me when I first saw it. None of us expected it to be that extensive so it really threw her for a loop. I spent the first night with them at Aegis to make sure she didn't get behind on her pain medication and that was when I discovered how goofed up she was on her sleeping patterns. At 3:30 in the morning she was wide awake, looking for a snack and talking a mile a minute. Poor Dad was following her around and trying to find candy bars (she has a terrible sugar jones but so do I so I must come by it honestly:0) so I sent him back to bed and got her a healthy snack. Finally I understand his exhaustion and why she wants to sleep during the day.

(As I'm typing this, I'm listening to the monitor and hearing her talking to him - she's awake and has been for the past 3 hours. It started with a fall in the bathroom and I've been monitoring her since. I'm not sure if this is typical - Dad wouldn't complain, but once again I get why he's been so tired of late.)

The sleepover helped me to see that they were coming to the end of their time at Aegis. Mom had begun withdrawing again and Dad had told Mark that he "hated it there." For my part, I hated the sense that they were "parked" there. One day while passing through the lobby, they saw someone being taken away in an ambulance. Dad remarked, out loud, "that's how we're all going to leave here." At first Adrienne was appalled but we laughed about it later.

The final realization that I was called to care for them in our home came through a series of circumstances outside of what was going on with them. First of all, there was the sense that I was finished with my call at Lake Forest Park Presbyterian. I knew that it was time to move on from there but wasn't sure what was next. I was actively seeking what God had for me next but didn't know what, where or when. Secondly, I was realizing that with Hallack's new position as interim pastor at North Creek Presbyterian, he was going to be much less able to pick up the slack at home. He would have longer hours, more responsibility and be further from home. I knew that it would be important for me to be around more for Ben (especially since Bekah would be headed off to college in the fall.) The final piece of the call fell into place the week that Bekah was trying to make her decision on which school to attend. Her first and best choice had been George Fox but the financial aid there was quite a bit less than the other schools so we'd ruled it out. She really agonized over the rest of her choices and I finally said to her, "Bekah, if money weren't the issue, where would you go?" and without a moment's hesitation she said, "George Fox." All along we'd felt that it was the right place for her but the lesser aid was an issue. I have been working hard at not letting money be the final determining factor on anything and putting my trust in God instead but paying for college is a big challenge. A faith stretcher. In the moment that she said "George Fox" it all came together for me. In my mind I saw all the tumblers from a combination fall into place (just like what happens when unlockng a big safe) and I knew what I was being called to do - move our parents into our home. That revelation came the last week in April and now, five months later, it's a reality. Oh, it took a lot to get here: untangling myself from my position at Lake Forest Park, remodeling a bathroom, cleaning out space to incorporate their household into ours, shuttling two girls off to college as well as transforming Hannah's room into one for Mom and Dad . I'm still finishing up trim work and have more painting to do but every week we get a little more settled in. Who knows how long this will be? Only God does and wisely has not given me roadmap but just enough light to take it "one day at a time."

I've marveled at all that has gone on these past 10 months and am truly grateful for this opportunity to be stretched in uncomfortable ways. I try to remind myself, when it seems a bit too much, that diamonds are formed under great pressure and nothing worth doing is ever easy. That helps a bit but what helps the most is knowing that I'm learning to "honor thy father and mother, that it may go well with thee and thou mayest live long on the earth." I learned that commandment so many years ago in catechism but am now learning how to live it each day.