Where Does Her Mind Go?

I just finished checking on Mom this morning and she was really out of it. I think she knew who I was but everything else was up for grabs. Sometimes her delusions are funny or sweet like the time a couple of days ago when she was so worried for Dad. I asked her how her night had gone and she said it was "really shocking." When I asked her what was shocking she turned to Dad and said, "do you want to tell her or should I?" Since Dad was asleep I asked her to just tell me and with really big eyes she said "he was supposed to marry her and she broke off with him and married someone else." I thought it was kind of sweet that she was so worried about Dad's broken heart and wondered if that had really happened to him. Later on, when she was back in reality, I asked her if that had happened with Dad and she thought maybe it had - a long, long time ago. On another occasion she asked me if I'd seen what she'd been doing - cleaning the house (wouldn't that be nice? :0) After I gave her pills to her I said she better go back to sleep after all that work!

This morning, however, she was really frightened and nothing seemed right to her. She asked why did she have to be in this little place that was so hot? There were concerns about not getting enough to eat "they only feed me little sticks, I'm not kidding." Which I think might be a reference to the snack of pretzels I gave her the night before. You see, she'd had a rough day yesterday and just wanted to stay in bed all day. There were lots of tears and feeling sorry for herself so I spent time praying with her and encouraging her to count her blessings. Right now the glass is less than half empty and, while I don't want her to dwell in her misery, I do get that life is so out of control for her. She sometimes says " I just want to die" and I walk a fine line of encouraging her to live each day to the fullest and also let go and know that death is not this terrible thing but only birth to her next life. Does she believe that? This also taps into my fears (nothing like seeing your once all-knowing Mother shaking with fear) and I find myself going back to my faith, time and time again.

I did finally get her up for awhile and she usually rallies then and has a pretty good evening. Yesterday was a different story and after giving her a really late lunch I was trying to give her a snack so that we could have dinner together - that's the reason for the pretzels. She couldn't make it and went back to bed before we had dinner. Now I know that I should've gotten her up and fed her dinner anyway. Dad joined her about 7:30 because he knows how much she likes to have him with her (at one point this morning she said, "I just want Dad with me, holding my hand.") And I think he was also really tired. I checked on them before I went to bed, gave them all their nighttime meds and they seemed to be in good spirits. I sometimes wonder if that much time in bed is what gives her the really vivid delusions. She had really wet her depends and even the bed and that makes her really disturbed (who could blame her?) So after getting her up, changing her, putting down a towel and feeding her a banana she snuggled back into bed. I just went back and checked on her and she was much better. She said to me - "this place is so much better than that other place!" And so I wonder, "where did her mind go?" and why is it so scary?!